TMI- what happening in the bedroom?

mishmardhiono

Hey girls,

I have to know, have you and your partner started getting intimate again?

We are 10 weeks post birth (cesarean) and I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with my husband but he tries every night. To the point I try fall asleep before he comes to Bed just so I don't reject him again.

I'm pretty sure it's driving a wedge in our relationship, he's frustrated I keep stalling and I'm Getting resentful having to fend him off all The time. It's driving me insane and making me so uncomfortable.

It's the last thing on my mind but the main thing on my mind at the same time. I don't even like kissing him on the lips incase he tries again.. Pre pregnancy we had a great life in the bedroom..

Is this normal, should I give it time or is it time to speak to the doctor??

klkonwi

Well I have a broken vagina...... So there's that.
My husband asks me if "Virginia" is fixed yet.......... Bah.

ChardeeMacDennis

I think it's 100% normal to not want to have sex when you're exhausted and overwhelmed and it's just going to hurt anyway. However (and I feel weird saying this, because you NEVER owe sex to anybody) maybe you should just do it anyway? We finally did last night. Was I looking forward to it? Definitely not. Was it pleasurable like it used to be? No way. But it's like that first postpartum poop. It's gonna be terrible but you just gotta do it. You will be relieved that you're over the hump (ha ha) and obviously your husband will be happy.

Also maybe you could try doing some sexy time things but with penetration off the table. Lower stakes, still good for rebuilding intimacy.

mishmardhiono

Thanks, I've already done this twice.. It was his 30th so he got sexy time And once before that.. There's just no desire to even pretend like I want it it's terrible haha. Why don't they have male version of a vibrator..

I don't think he gets it that sexy time for me is him washing the bottles, changing her and bathing her 100% without calling out to me. That's sex for me right now haha

TheEA

My dh and I have only had sex once since my c/s almost three months ago. It was awkward and I didn't feel the least bit sexy but it was nice at the same time. It made me feel closer to him than I've felt in many months... That being said, I think it's normal to have no desire, especially after a c/s. It took much longer for me to have a desire after my first c/s. (I think it took about 3 months.) If you feel like your lack of desire is super out of character for you then talk to your doctor. It never hurts to talk about it.
Also you should probably tell your husband(if you haven't already done so) that you are not ready for sex instead of repeatedly shutting him down. It's only fair to keep him in the loop.

jessieR358

My episiotomy still hasn't healed 6 weeks pp so I'm on pelvic rest for another month. I told my husband if my tear burns like hell to pee there's no way he's getting sex. I flat out told him I'd rather sleep than have sex this point anyways.

ChardeeMacDennis

mishmardhiono said:

Thanks, I've already done this twice.. It was his 30th so he got sexy time And once before that.. There's just no desire to even pretend like I want it it's terrible haha. Why don't they have male version of a vibrator..

I don't think he gets it that sexy time for me is him washing the bottles, changing her and bathing her 100% without calling out to me. That's sex for me right now haha

Well then I bet time and sleep will be the cure. Perhaps someday your DH will realize that by helping out he can give you time and sleep and get a little something in return.

dancegurl1118

We have a date for sex tonight. For the first time. It's our 3 year anniversary of getting married tomorrow so I figured..I had to bite the bullet. We have a $90 bottle of wine (we won it...I'm too cheap for that!) and I have a lot of lube. I'm terrified just typing this. I really am so scared but I have to. Add on the fact that I get a UTI 75% of the time after sex and......ugh.

klkonwi

@dancegurl1118 good luck gal! I'm pulling for you! Lol

klkonwi

The wine should help ^^^^^%

paige0704

I'm 8 weeks out And still have no desire... Hubs keeps asking I feel bad but yet I don't bc I'm just exhausted and the only time we could would take away possible sleep time for me sooo.... Lol I'm sorry but my sleep right now is more precious and things still don't feel 100% right down there idk I guess I have to just take the plunge and get it over with yuck

mishmardhiono

jesshrou said:

My episiotomy still hasn't healed 6 weeks pp so I'm on pelvic rest for another month. I told my husband if my tear burns like hell to pee there's no way he's getting sex. I flat out told him I'd rather sleep than have sex this point anyways.

You poor thing.. Hopefully it heals quickly and he doesn't find out haha...

Dancegurl, could take yourself back a few years... Get nice and messy before the deed. All romance out the window and try drink cranberry worked for me

staceyfern

We have not had sex yet ( 11 weeks pp today). I have pelvic floor muscle issues which kept him away from down there and the My hubs just had hernia surgery two weeks ago. That buys me another couple of weeks at least. Never thought I would feel happy not to have sex!

jrbcoug11

7 weeks pp c/s here and we had sex for the first time last week. The hus hasn't been pressuring me but I just want things as close to normal as possible. It didn't start off well but it ended well

lovethatcolosun

I still have 0 desire to have sex at almost 9 weeks pp. I know I need to do it....just don't want to mentally. With my first I did it at 6 weeks once cleared and I started crying. We waited a while after "the incident" because I was afraid of a repeat performance. It feels different than before and after the "trauma" of having a 9 pounder come out of there I wasn't mentally up for something else going in there. Add to that breastfeeding on the regular, being exhausted, not feeling sexy, and fluctuations in hormones....I'm just not in the mood.

Words of advice, have a good talk with him about it. Tell him how your feeling and that it's not personal. Men take rejection to the heart and if you don't level with him it may drive a wedge between you. I would add that you may just want to start slow with just simple cuddling to increase the intimacy. Maybe suggest that when you're ready you will make the first move to initiate sex and that it will be obvious when you do or create a code word for when it's go time so there's no confusion. Whatever works best for you. Good luck!

dancegurl1118

I just ate 4 pieces of pizza and half a philly cheese steak sub so I'm definitely ready to get down.

I told DH not to take it personally if I'm drunk. Watch...this will be the first night in 2 weeks that LO doesn't sleep through the night and I'll be too drunk to care for her!

addingon

I have to say, after the terrifying experience that was deciding to have sex at 4 weeks PP, things have been good! It didn't feel 100% normal at first, but I wouldn't say it was painful at all. I also feel like the more often it happens, the better it is again and my drive has come back to normal. Just wanted to give a different perspective so anyone who hasn't tried yet isn't too worked up. They're not all horror stories!

Good luck gals!

JessHeppell

sleep happens in my bedroom. and DH pouting.

HoosOnFirst

@dancegurl1118 I was drunk our first time pp too. We went to a wedding 2 weeks ago without LO. Open bar, hotel room booked... So I knew it was inevitable. Of course we ran late so we had to stop at a store in between the ceremony and reception to pick up condoms and lube. Awkward.

I'm glad we crossed that bridge. We did it a second time on our "first date" anniversary. I was sober and not really in the mood that time though - I really feel dirty (like hello covered in spit up!) and fat, I can't help it. I feel bad DH initiates it every single time.

shabanil

Research shows that breadtfeeding reducing your libido. I'm blaming that.

marlener25

Almost 10 weeks PP and so scared to have sex and no desire either. DH didn't want sex when I was pregnant and I did, and now he wants it and I don't. Needless to say, it's been a while and I am so afraid it's going to be awkward. Also my hubby works mid nights (he's a cop) so that really kills a lot of our changes too. I refuse to do it when the baby is in the room, and we have a three year old, too. So just finding time to do it has been hard too. But I do have the wine and lube ready. I do want to get the first one over with so we can get back to normal. Gotta get LO in his own room soon!

krystleshel

Just throwing in some helpful insight. I was terrified. We did it the day I came back from my 6 weeks & it hurt. I actually saved my bubble bath for after it so I could "recover." BFing, extra skin/pounds in weird places, & being exhausted makes me feel about as sexy as a potato, but every time we've done it, it's gotten easier. We don't even use lube now - 10 week PP. I agree with pp who said it was like the first poop, you know it sucks, but you psych yourself up & do it.
*also, my DH has been like superman lately, which helps my libido knowing he's there to help if I am exhausted & that the dishes are already done. Tell them that is the new fore play

dancegurl1118

Almost 12w PP..just took the plunge...used a shit ton of lube (and wine). It was fine. Different, not necessarily enjoyable bc I was so worked up about it, but fine. Definitely, ahem, looser than before (I had a hymenal ring that tore so I'm guessing that's the difference) but...definitely not even close to as bad as I was expecting. Wahoo.

carajeanp37

11 weeks pp and still technically have 5 weeks to go before I'm cleared - I feel terrible but it's the only good thing about my difficult recovery, it keeps giving me an excuse to put it off! I was super not into it while pregnant either so I think we have had sex about 5 times in the past YEAR. Typing that actually made me just feel really bad.. Poor guy

mishmardhiono

I bit the bullet last night, it was fine. Certainly not like it used to be but fine is good for now. I feel a lot of tension has gone..

But then LO decided she wanted to be grizzly from 2am -7am (first time ever) and DH put the covers over his head and slept soundly so he's back in the drought zone

rklinge0

I bit the bullet at 7 weeks and since then we have had it 4 times total. The first 3 weren't enjoyable and hurt. The last time I was actually close except my dh was too quick, damn him.
I kind of agree you will just have to bite the bullet. Its going to be worse the longer you wait.

almakie

8 weeks pp and SO has said that we'll take it nice and very slow which has easied my mind a lot. I ended up crying because I felt like pressure of doing it got to much.

Maybe just start by doing other things nice and slowly and eventually you get there. Good luck!!

katyertl

11 PP and we've had sex maybe 4 times. They were all actually really good. We only had a 4 lbs 11 oz baby so Virginia never really hurt afterwards and sex was enjoyable. Just super tired. Plus I work 4pm until around 10pm. So by the time I come home from work in dead tired. I feel bad for hubs but we were 3 years long distance before marriage becAuse he was stationed in Cali and I lived back in our hometown in wisconsin, not like that's an excuse that we should be used to it. But that's what I like to think lol

Sammy K

I'm almost 10 weeks pp and DH won't. Our doula got pregnant with their 3rd baby only 3 months after #2, she was EBF AND they used condoms. So DH is too freaked out until he gets snipped. He hasn't found anyone he likes and one didn't want to do it because he's under 35. Seriously?! Not your decision! It's going to be a while...

slr1229

Did it burn for any of you? We've done it maybe 3x now (8 weeks pp) and each time it burns at first inside then slowly disappears? Strangest thing. Definitely not as enjoyable but obviously it'll get back to normal at some point.

HayesRN13

Aw.. What about oral? I'm sure he would not be complaining about not getting any Virginia....maybe you can do that until you get back in the mood? I'm a horrible example as we have been cheating since 4 weeks pp...

HayesRN13

slr1229 said:

Did it burn for any of you? We've done it maybe 3x now (8 weeks pp) and each time it burns at first inside then slowly disappears? Strangest thing. Definitely not as enjoyable but obviously it'll get back to normal at some point.

Use lube, as your body won't be as naturally lubed for a while .. Especially if you are breastfeeding

heidiiwa

I'm in the minority here but I still enjoy sex, even though I'm breastfeeding. One thing I don't want though is DH anywhere near my breasts...I keep my bra on during sexy times under the pretense of being leaky. It just feels icky when he grabs them after LO has been eating from them. We started having sex at 5 weeks 6 days and it hurt a little at first, but now feels good and pretty much like it did before. We've just been doing it maybe once every few days when LO is in the swing or his bouncy seat and is content to be there for awhile.

elizab14

I go to a weekly mom's group and this week's topic was jokingly named "happy vagina or sad vagina?" I was in a room full of women with babies from 8 weeks to 6 months and just about everyone shared how there is little desire, not feeling sexy, too tired, and absolutely use lube. It was nice to know that not only am I not alone in my sad V phase but I shouldn't expect myself to be ready to jump back on the horse....pun intended.

Sammy K

heidiiwa said:

I'm in the minority here but I still enjoy sex, even though I'm breastfeeding. One thing I don't want though is DH anywhere near my breasts...I keep my bra on during sexy times under the pretense of being leaky. It just feels icky when he grabs them after LO has been eating from them. We started having sex at 5 weeks 6 days and it hurt a little at first, but now feels good and pretty much like it did before. We've just been doing it maybe once every few days when LO is in the swing or his bouncy seat and is content to be there for awhile.

With DS, I always wore a bra too because I would leak and dripping breast milk was a huge turn off for me. I also had a "look but don't touch" rule for my breasts. Don't feel bad.

paige0704

Going to plan to have sexy time tomorrow and obviously need some lube do you guys have any recommendations? I'm super sensitive to products and will get yeast infections from basically any foreign products ...but gotta find a lube that hopefully won't affect me?

dancegurl1118

@paige0704 I use "wet" lubricant. That's the name..ha. I'm super sensitive to any Ph change in the vicinity of Virginia and it's been fine whenever I've used it. You can always order it via Amazon and have it there in 2 days!

On a side note I just put a tampon in due to my Mirena bleeding. So over pads. Between sex yesterday and now this...pray for Virginia.

paige0704

@dancegurl1118 can that be bought in a store or only online?

virginiaunicorn11

rklinge0 said:

I bit the bullet at 7 weeks and since then we have had it 4 times total. The first 3 weren't enjoyable and hurt. The last time I was actually close except my dh was too quick, damn him.
I kind of agree you will just have to bite the bullet. Its going to be worse the longer you wait.

Ditto on all this, exactly. I told DH that every time I think about sex, the words "scar tissue" are also in my thoughts. That put it into perspective for him, and he backed off.

The last time we had sex was enjoyable. I have lowered drive, probably due to BF and also because we fight waaaay more than we ever have. I need to feel good about our relationship to have sex. DH doesn't feel good about our relationship if we aren't having sex. It's a tough spot to be in, but we are working through it.

dancegurl1118

@paige0704 I'm sure it's at an "adult" store. Not at a regular store like KY or astroglide. It's silicone based so I don't think it can be used with condoms. But I've used it for years when needed.

theletlers

I took the plunge a couple days before my 6 wk pp check. But to be fair I was not allowed to have sex since I was 26 weeks pregnant. And the first 20 weeks I was throwing up a lot so sex just didn't happen. I think the weeks post baby were hardest on DH though because my now huge knockers were just out all the time! He has been a very patient man in the last year. But we should all give ourselves a break. We carried a baby inside our bodies for ~40 weeks, went through labor and birth, and possibly breastfeeding. We all have given up a lot of ourselves physically, so if having sex isn't something you want to do then don't feel badly about it. My DH and I have had it a couple times and it's a little uncomfortable. I'm usually sore for a couple days afterwards, so if I don't feel like being in pain for the next few days I don't feel badly for saying no. It helps too that I told him to let me sort of ah hem "ease into it." (Honestly I think he finds that kinda hot--like he doesn't know when it's gonna happen) But for those of you still having that burning feeling at first that was helpful for me. And for sure on the lube!!