All the feelings.

sm59603

It's overwhelming. The first ultrasound at 8 weeks showed 7w3d growth and no heartbeat. HCG blood test and second ultrasound confirmed our loss. I didn't think it would hit me this hard, but I am losing my isht pretty rapidly.

I feel angry that the doctor was so nonchalant about everything, and how insensitive she is/was. Angry that she acted like it was just another day, like I should have expected this. I am angry that I can't shake this depression, that I have let myself get to a place I have not seen in years. That I can't stop randomly crying, I keep snapping at my boys and I shouldn't, I should cherish them but everything just pisses me off or makes me cry.

I feel guilty because I did not want to have another unplanned kid. We have two already, I was seriously dreading telling everyone we were going to have another baby. I was more worried about what my family would say than I should have been, as if they have any impact on our lives from 5 hours away. I was more worried how my kids would react, how we would fit all of us in a car, how we'd squeeze another human into our tiny 3 room cabin. I should have been excited to find solutions, not dreading the future's inconveniences.

I feel sad that I let my baby down. I did not provide a hospitable environment for the growth of my child, which means that I have ultimately failed as a parent. I'm sad that our family won't ever feel complete because we lost a child. Yet I don't feel valid in that we never even saw a heartbeat, so can I really claim to have lost anything? Much less something I wasn't prepared for or very excited about?

Maybe after the miso I can get over this. We have no family close by, not many friends. No one knows how I am handling this because I don't really talk about things to anyone, even my husband. I'm worried about the misoprostol experience because in our house one person is always home with the kids and the other is working (we work at the same place, alternating shifts) so we lose money if we are both home. I am terrified of racking up more medical bills from complications because we do not have insurance.

Sorry for the rambling ranting/venting. I think part of my problem talking about things is that I don't want pity or knowing glances or meaningful advice. I have a long history with depression (me and depression and mania aretightlikethisyaknow). I know what my issues are but it helps to get it out and be heard without having to tell someone I see all the time who will bring it up later. So, if you have read all this, I truly thank you, from the bottom of my warped little heart.

ceclarlinetlo

I say this only with empathy and sympathy but not pity: I am very sorry for your loss. From the bottom of my equally warped little heart - I'm glad you have found this place to get all your feelings out.

katempar

Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart broke when I read your post because you articulated so many emotions that I have felt. Your feelings are completely understandable. The same thing happened to me -- went in for my 8 week doctor's appointment only to find out that nothing was growing inside me.

Please don't feel guilty. I know it's hard not to, but you deserve better than that. It would be strange not to feel anxious and nervous upon finding out that you are pregnant. Those feelings are normal and expected, and they had nothing to do with why you miscarried. Don't beat yourself up over it. If miscarriage had to do with how much we love our children, it would never happen...

We have no family nearby either, and live in a new city with no friends, so I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel so lonely every day. It is not easy. But I know you can get through this. You can ALWAYS vent and talk to us here. We understand what you're going through and will support you every step of the way.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better and more hopeful, but please know that you have a home here.

DrKariC

I'm so sorry for your loss. Here are some things I'd like you to know:
1. It doesn't matter if you never saw a heartbeat or how far along you were. We're moms and when we lose our babies we feel grief and it's ok to feel sad. It would be weird not to feel grief. I found out at 7w5d and never saw a heartbeat either but I still miss my baby.
2. Nothing you worried about or stressed about with your family or anything else caused this. This is not your fault. Our babies leave us when there's a genetic problem that doesn't let them live, and nothing could have prevented that.
3. Unfortunately miscarriages really are just another day for OBs, that's how many women have experienced this too, but your doctor still should have treated you kindly and realized what a loss this was for you and I'm really sorry about what you experienced. I hope you're able to find a doctor you feel comfortable with if you decide to change to someone else.

It's a big loss and we're here for you.