need to vent — The Bump
Pregnant after IF

need to vent

My MIL is coming to our house for a surprise visit tonight ( I already had plans for my nieces to come) regardless as soon as my DH told her I was pregnant she said make sure she doesnt drink.  She did know of the fertility treatments and everything.  I cant deal with someone telling me things 1. I already know and 2. why would she think I would do something to jeopardize my pregnancy when I tried so hard to get pregnant.  It drives me crazy that people always want to tell you what to do and not to do.  First of all I feel like I know way more about my body and the process of getting pregnant and the reasons for losses, etc than most other people.  People who dont have fertility issues or getting pregnant by breathing are usually in my opinion somewhat clueless as to how the body functions.  I am not looking forward to her visit because the last thing i need right now is someone telling me anything when I am pretty sure I know more about this than they do.  I am already nervous enough and doing everything I can and I know if "God Forbid" something happens it wouldnt be because of something I did or did not do.  And the crazy thing is for the most part we have a good relationship. Do any of you guys feel the same or am I being petty?
Me - 32 
Husband - 32
TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
FET 7/2015 - BFP

  Pregnancy Ticker

Re: need to vent

  • No, it's like a freaking MIL thing. My MIL is driving me crazy. One of the first things she asked when we announced to them- "are you taking vitamins?"
    Seriously. I told her I take a lot of medications, with a very "duh" tone of voice.
    It's only gotten worse. She questions everything we do and makes plans for us. Apparently I'm getting a new couch and she has already planned my babies sleeping arrangements. She has perused our registry and told DH her opinions on the items.
    Thing is, we used to have a good relationship too.
    GL. I hope it turns out better for you. But you aren't being petty, IMO.

    Two years, two losses and three IUIs...

    We are having TRIPLETS!

    EDD 1/26/16

     GGB born November 2015!

  • I don't think you're being petty! I feel it's ridiculous to tell any pregnant woman not to drink or smoke or jump off a building - it's all common sense and knowledge at this point. And to say it to someone in you/our position is even worse.
    The only thing I can say is maybe she doesn't know what to say to someone who has struggled. I know my mother and in laws know of no one else who have struggled with fertility, so it was hard for them to ask questions or talk about it. Maybe your MIL is only saying things she knows for certain - you shouldn't drink- because she's at a loss for other things to say.
    I have been told things from family that I thought were crazy but when I calmed down and thought about their perspective, it made a bit more sense. And I have gone on to explain to people that while I appreciate their input, my DH and I know way more about pregnancy and my body than most people because of our struggles and we probably understood more than they thought. That seemed to help both sides of it and would often lead to a bigger and better explanation from us on how fertility works and about our journey.
    If she starts it up again tonight, try and take a deep breath and use it as a teaching moment. The better she understands your side, the less likely she'll continue to say things out of place that could upset or hurt you.
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  • MILs get batshit when grandkids come.  bat. shit.  Just tell her, "Listen, it took me a really long time to get here, and I've done nothing but research how to get and stay pregnant.  I am aware I should _______________________________(insert stupid advice here)"  and leave it with that.  

    Mine tried to tell me that as a dental hygienist I shouldn't take x-rays because its bad for babies.  Not only telling me how to be pregnant but how to do my job as well.  ::Huge eyeroll::


    June 19, 2010 - Miracle Baby Girl

    Round 2
    Since March 2013
    BFP April 2013 - Missed M/C July 2013 @ 12w6d
    BFP December 2013 - CP @ 4w3d
    Eight medicated cycles, three IUIs: FAIL
    IVF #1 Antagonist - January 2015: CP/FAIL

    IVF #2 April 2015: Microdose lupron Flare
    ICSI, CCS Freeze all
    6 blasts biopsied/5 normal

    FET #1 June 25, 2015 6AA and 5AA blast transfer
    BFP 3dp5dt!
    Beta 8dp5dt 195.2, 10dp5dt 474.8, 12dp5dt 977, 22dp5dt 25,580
    <3 Twins! Our boy and girl coming end of February!  <3

  • Not pety at all!! Just tell her to stfu and keep moving. Thankfully both my mil's didn't do that. But I did get stupid advice from coworkers who don't even have kids. Bye Felicia.

    Long of the Short:
     TTC since April 2013  DH 42 y/o I'm 30  Dh had vasectomy reversal Feb 2013 after 3 months developed scar tissue 
     First Re appt was September 2013 OOP for everything minus meds  
    DH's TESE surgery December 2013
    First cycle was February 2014 BFN none to freeze
     Second cycle was April 2014 BFP ending in Chemical Pregnancy none to freeze
     Third cycle June 2014 BFN none to freez
     Fourth cycle October 30th 28 retrieved, 13 mature and 12 fertilized
    PICSI, assisted hatching and fresh sperm from my DH's TESE surgery used
    5 FROZEN from a freeze all cycle! 
    FET completed on DECEMBER 9TH!!!
    Beta #1 13dp5dt BFP!! 800
    Beta #2 15dp5dt 2100
    Beta #3 17dp5dt 3600 
    First Scan January 5th! Everything looks great! Heart rate of 121!
    Second Scan January 20th. Baby Justone13 looks amazing. Heart rate of 175!
    Baby Girl is due August 27th
    Liv Annmarie born 8/25 7lbs 6oz 21 1/2 inches long 

  • Yeah, your annoyance is justified, I think. It's quite a patronizing thing to say. On the other hand, since you have a good relationship with your MIL, perhaps her intentions were good, and perhaps she didn't mean for her "advice" to sound so clumsy and insulting. I would wait to flip my lid and see instead if such patronizing comments become a habit. I'm preparing myself mentally for all the indignities - strangers and friends and family alike all taking a proprietary interest in my body because I'm expecting, people I don't know trying to touch my stomach, all manner of intrusive strangers from lactation consultants to internet trolls treating me like an idiot and insisting that I, the mother, am the least qualified person to judge what's "best" for my baby that I've nurtured in my own body for nine months. Even though pregnant women are the ones coping with maddening hormones, it seems everyone else around them are the ones who go insane. In any case, I feel extremely lucky to be pregnant, and I'm going to do my best to ignore all the white noise and enjoy it. Congratulations! Wishing you a healthy pregnancy :)
  • Thank you all for your advice.  I think @mrsbwivf and @kcbabo78 are right she probably didnt mean anything by it and doesnt know what to say.  I remember when I was telling her about the the process of IVF and I gave her the info she didnt really try to understand she said its too much for her.  Also when it didnt work the first time she said it would happen naturally and when we told her she said see I told you it would happen naturally. We were like no we did another round, If we have been trying for 4 years and it never happened I highly doubt it would happen naturally for us.  I think for some people getting to really know your body and the process of pregnancy and having a baby might just be too complicated.  She also changed her mind in coming over last night since we already had plans for my nieces to stay.  I really appreciate all of your advice.  Its crazy how people can be intrusive and think that they know everything about babies because they have one, I always wonder why they dont remember how annoying it was when they were in our positions.  Happy and healthy pregnancies and babies to all of you :)
    Me - 32 
    Husband - 32
    TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
    IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
    FET 7/2015 - BFP

      Pregnancy Ticker
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