When Kiddo #1 begs for a sibling...

ErikaMG

What do you do when your little one begs for a sibling? My 4-yr old son said to me out of the blue yesterday "Mommy, you have to give me a brother and a sister before I grow up." (yes, he said AND. Yikes!) I stuttered a bit and said, "Uh... we're working on it, kiddo..." and fought back tears... The last thing I want to do is traumatize the poor kid by crying when he asks for a sibling! But a part of me can't help feeling overwrought with guilt. Like I'm failing him somehow by not being able to conceive... and if the RE can't help us, if the IUI(s) don't work, will he be hurt and disappointed and lonely? How will I tell him he's not going to get a brother or sister if it comes to that? It's not his fault of course, but the added pressure of him wanting another child in the family as much as we do is almost unbearable sometimes.

Oh, listen to me being such a negative nancy! I'm usually not like this - just feeling a little more fragile than usual today. Sorry!

Flamingemu

I usually tell L that she has so many friends that are close enough to being her brother or sister. Then make up some excuse about how much she is loved that she doesn't need another sibling.

TBH, I deflect these convos quickly because I do blame L for not being able to have a sibling. I joke on here that L broke me. And while I don't tell her that, it is always in the back of my head and I don't want that to come out when she asks.

ErikaMG

@Flamingemu - sending you the biggest hug right now. I am SO feeling you. Bravo for being so self-aware, and acknowledging and owning the difficult emotions so that they aren't projected on your little one.

I'm curious about your background, and why you believe L had something to do with your difficulty TTC a #2. Only if you don't mind sharing, of course. Not trying to be nosy!

ellebelle2384

DD says she wants a brother and a sister all the time. One day we were out on a walk and she legit said "I want a baby sister. And I want mommy to put her in her belly and keep her safe." I had to bite my lip to not cry because I don't feel like I can keep any of my babies safe in my belly. I try to acknowledge quickly and then move on to another topic, like "That would be great. Hopefully one day!".

ErikaMG

@Ellebelle2384 - Big hugs to you. It's amazing isn't it how an innocent question can have such heavy connotations for us? Like you I try to acknowledge quickly and then distract him with something else, but sometimes he can be really stubborn and it's all he wants to talk about!

Flamingemu

@ErikaMG L came out so fast and furious that part of the placenta was left behind. That left me hemorrhaging in my bathroom 2 weeks PP. I had to have an emergency middle of the night D&C. Obviously, none of this is her fault. She didn't do anything at all, but my inability to conceive #2 is all related to her birth and I harbor that in the back of my mind. Totally irrational, but I feel better and more at peace being able to 'blame' something besides my terrible body for not being able to have future children.

ErikaMG

I hear you, @Flamingemu. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it must have been so scary! Continuing to root for you - I hope L gets her sibling despite the obstacles... and that your next birth is EASY!

Davie813

DD hasn't asked yet (she's only 2), but it's not a conversation I'm looking forward to.  Big hugs to all of you. >:D<

AprilDrew04

My 5 year old DD has been asking for over a year now. I can't even begin to think about what I will tell her if it never happens. That hurts more than my own sadness of not having another.

I used to tell her we are working on it, then she told our entire church that her mommy and daddy were working on getting her a sister.

GK2009

These are difficult conversations.  Every month I don't get pregnant my first thought is that the age difference between my son and another child (hopefully if I get to have one-- knock wood!!!) is getting to be so large.  My son is 3 and a half and loves being with other kids and gets sad when they have to go home.  He hasn't asked for a sibling, but it makes me feel bad.  With that said, I know that he has lots of cousins and friends and will always have someone.

I am sorry you are all going through these emotions too.  I hope that despite all of these obstacles in our way... all of our children get to have siblings someday soon.  Wishing everyone the best!

Davie813

AprilDrew04 said:

My 5 year old DD has been asking for over a year now. I can't even begin to think about what I will tell her if it never happens. That hurts more than my own sadness of not having another. I used to tell her we are working on it, then she told our entire church that her mommy and daddy were working on getting her a sister.

Ooofff...  I'm sorry.

Davie813

GK2009 said:

These are difficult conversations.  Every month I don't get pregnant my first thought is that the age difference between my son and another child (hopefully if I get to have one-- knock wood!!!) is getting to be so large.  My son is 3 and a half and loves being with other kids and gets sad when they have to go home.  He hasn't asked for a sibling, but it makes me feel bad.  With that said, I know that he has lots of cousins and friends and will always have someone.

I am sorry you are all going through these emotions too.  I hope that despite all of these obstacles in our way... all of our children get to have siblings someday soon.  Wishing everyone the best!

I think about that too, as well as about my husband's and my advancing age...

Flamingemu

@AprilDrew04 I know her telling the entire church was probably terrible, bit I can't help but to smile at the thoughts going through some of this old ladies heads!

Flamingemu

ErikaMG said:

I hear you, @Flamingemu. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it must have been so scary! Continuing to root for you - I hope L gets her sibling despite the obstacles... and that your next birth is EASY!

Thanks, but our journey is pretty much done. Just waiting to get fired by the RE later this week.

Frenchteachermama

(((HUGS)))) love you ladies!!!!

AprilDrew04

Truthfully I was in a good enough place the day she did that to be able to see the humor in it.

Huge hugs to you all. This place is a bitch to be at.

spfclr

I have two baby nephews and every time we leave one of them my DD says she wishes they were her brother.  She has twice told daycare that I was pregnant, and used to regularly ask when God was sending her baby sister.  It's so tough, but since it happens so often I've become immune - I am confident she has a really wonderful life and doesn't know what she's missing in either the good or bad sense with a sibling so it doesn't make me sad.

I think I am to the point of being OK with never having another baby for myself, but the sibling thing kills me.  Over the past few years I have seen friends go through loss of parents and one loss of a spouse.  Siblings, even many years spaced, are such a support to each other - I hope I can provide that for my daughter.  BUT I do know a couple only children and they have their friends and their spouses family to help them through the tough parts of life, as well as their parents.  I know that either way she'll be fine, we all will - I just need to focus on that more. 

I hope all our kids having siblings at some point!

tryfor2

Our 3yo keeps asking us for a baby sister. He tells us he wants to hold her, feed her and play with her. Every time he sees a baby he says "mamma I need a baby too ". It kills us because we've had 3 Mc in the last 2 years. We want another baby soooooo much and everyone keeps telling us that our son is perfect we don't need another baby. While they are right, our son is perfectly imperfect and the love of our life, we feel guilty for not being able to give him a sibling. He would make a wonderful brother.
We are just starting fertility treatments and my husband is already stressing like crazy.
I pray God plans on us having another blessing soon.
And the selfish side of me thinks that if one more person tells me to give up, or it's God's plan and God's timing, I might freak out.
This is the last thing we ever expected after having a beautiful healthy first pregnancy.
Sorry for the rant.
May God bless us all with little ones soon!!!

spfclr

I'm always surprised to hear people say that their son asks for a sister or daughter asks for a brother - my daughter is fully on the little sister bandwagon (the exception being wanting her male cousins to be her brothers, but as far as fantasy it's only girls).  I wonder what makes them want one sex over the other, just what they are seeing that their friends/cousins have?

spfclr

On Arthur last week Binky's family adopted a baby girl from China.  International Adoption is not something I've even considered, but my daughter has been telling everyone she sees that her doll is her adopted sister from China.  I've been explaining all over the place that it was on Arthur so I don't have everyone thinking that we have plans to adopt a baby from China.  I've found it more awkward than telling her teachers that I'm not pregnant - kids are too much .

ErikaMG

@kvsend - OMG that is so funny! Your daughter is hilarious in her expression of her desire for a sibling. It's great that you can laugh at it, even though it's hard. We asked my son if he'd prefer a brother or a sister, assuming he'd want a brother. But we were surprised when thought about it carefully, and said "well, since I'd be a brother, then I think there should be a sister." As if a complete family = one mommy, one daddy, one brother and one sister. Not sure where he gets that from since we know all sorts of families, but there it is - the mind of a child!

spfclr

@erikamg - interesting insight .  Although I am fine with my daughter mentioning her sibling desire at this time, I obviously have my other moments of sadness during this process, and irrational feelings like when Daniel Tiger's mom was having a baby and I couldn't (I really had a tough time with that for some reason - ha!).  I feel where you're coming from and I hope you're having a better day today, and the moments at the brink of tears are few and far between for you!

chels0120

My 6 year old DS asks all the time and cannot understand why I have lost babies and his friends get new babies. It breaks my heart because I can't comfort him any more than I can reason it myself!! My fingers are crossed we can all give our babes siblings.

ErikaMG

Thanks for sharing your stories, ladies. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this. Funny/sad story - my mother was over the other day and I finally told her DH and I were trying for another baby and she was trying to talk me out of it. One of her arguments was "where will you put another kid? You only have two bedrooms? You'll have to move again." I was trying to explain to her that our 4-yr old DS can share his room with a sibling at least for a few years, and that it will even be better for him because he doesn't like being alone. DS comes over and looks right at my mom and says "Nanna, I can make room for another child! There's plenty of room for both of us!" My heart just exploded, and so did my moms. She shut up after that, and even later said we have her full support!