In-laws strange reaction to miscarriage news.

vintagevice

On June 27th I had a natural miscarriage at 13 weeks. Having to share the heartbreaking news was extremely difficult. Over a month later, I'm still surprised by the lack of acknowledgement from my husband's side of the family. Not one person had said they were sorry for our loss or asks how we are doing. I'm not looking for sympathy or want to dwell on our loss, but they act like nothing happened and it's really weird. We had been TTC for over 8 years and this was our first pregnancy. Just wondering if any of you are surprised by the lack of reaction from loved ones?

rachrobertson

Omg this was us. When we had our loss, we found out on Monday that there was no heartbeat and went back Wednesday to decide if we were going to do a d&c or pill or wait to miscarry naturally. Ended up having a d&c that Friday. My MIL called for a 2 minute phone call with DH on Wednesday and that was it. The next week I sent her a picture of DD and she asked how I was doing and when I told her my feelings of the loss etc, she changed the subject. This happened two more times and I just stopped bringing it up and am building more resentment for her. At one point, she felt it appropriate to tell me that my SIL's friend was pregnant, but they didn't want anyone to know yet and it is inconvenient for them because it was an accident and they have a trip to Mexico planned this year. After that comment, with no acknowledgement of our loss, I quit talking to her and don't initiate conversation with her at family gatherings, but will talk to her if she starts conversation. I just can't believe she could lose a grandchild and just ignore it yet, when her elderly mother died 4 years ago she would not stop bringing it up and still tries to use that loss as a reason to always have Christmas at her house. I wouldn't care, but I work in healthcare and have to work Christmas every other year and her house is far from work. So, years I work, I wouldn't be able to see my 2 y.o on Christmas day if we didn't have the gathering at our house or my SIL's house. Her mom lived 1000 miles away and they were never together for Christmas, so why 4 years later she thinks she can try to make me miss my daughter on Christmas because the circle of life happened and her mom passed is beyond me. Whew. Rant over. You are not alone and it has definitely affected our relationship with DH's parents.

daisy62103

Sounds like my inlaws. They have had NO response whatsoever and haven't asked how I (we) are doing once. We saw them a couple weeks ago and didn't say anything. They are pretty odd though, not very warm at all. Still, it's disappointing.

katempar

My in-laws were kind of supportive when we first told them and haven't said much since. But we live in different parts of the country and aren't very close.

We've told several close friends though, and besides an initial apology, they haven't really asked how we're doing. It definitely stings, but I've chalked it up a lack of understanding. Until you've experienced miscarriage, you don't know how painful and traumatic it is. Maybe your situation is different, but that's kind of how I've rationalized any weird reactions.

valleric

Agreed... The few close friends I've told never ask me about it or how I'm doing, they have sympathy but no empathy. All 3 have 1 or 2 children and no mc. I'm glad they haven't had to go thru mc like me, but it'd be nice if I had someone who understood how I feel, what I'm going thru, and just talk about it.

DrKariC

@katempar I think you're right. I think some people don't get how big a loss it is, and I think others are so afraid of saying the wrong thing they don't say anything and end up seeming cold. And some people just suck. 

@rachrobertson Your MIL sounds like a piece of work - sorry that you have to go through this AND deal with her. 

It's hard not to have people who get it. And I feel like it changes how I think about certain people - their reactions when I'm going through something really help me know what kind of people they are.

rachrobertson

I agree @DrKariC , my opinions about many people have changed since my loss. Some for the better, some I have become more distant towards.

RiveraLuv04

My mom and sister wanted me to lose my first pregnancy and I did and now I'm pregnant again I'm not telling them! I'm sorry for your lost you know what I'm sorry but next time don't tell them anything about the baby, people like that make me upset cause they can't grasp the suffering the mother and father go through

kickassi78

You know, it's weird. My mother in law and sister in law were the exact same way. I have had 4 miscarriages, we only told them about 2 of them since after our 2nd miscarriage I just didn't want to tell anyone until it was safe to tell. But with the two they knew about, I have not heard one word from either of them regarding the losses. Not a phone call, not an "I'm sorry how are you doing" when I see them. Nothing. 

 I just chalk it up to them not sure how to approach me about it. I think they feel like they are picking a scab by bringing it up around me. Or they just don't know what to say about it. I know they were saddened by the news when my husband broke it to them, but not a word to me at all since then. But it does make it a little awkward because I KNOW they are thinking about it when we see each other, but they just act normal like nothing happened. It's a bizarre approach as my friends and family have all constantly asked how I was doing and checked up on me. But mums the word on his side. 

I'm not hurt by it...like I said, I think they just don't know how to approach it so ignoring it all together is what they seem to be doing. But it still is an odd approach when you are supposed to be considered family. 

CarmelFairey

First, I'm very sorry for ylur losses. Sometimes inlaws especially women can be awkward in relating to each other. I am sure they'll be over joyed when you two do conceive. Good luck and be encouraged.

vintagevice

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories and making me feel less alone about mine. I really do think my in laws simply don't know what to say or do. It's weird that they didn't say anything at all, but I'm sure they do care.

I do have to say some of the people that have offered the best support surprised me, second cousins that I barely know or some of my husbands band mates have stepped up to the plate and sent wonderful and simple emails or texts after hearing the news through the grapevine. Sometimes, the best thing to hear is simply, "I'm sorry," "thinking of you today," or "how are you?"

I wish all of you ladies the best of luck and I hope our weird in-laws get a clue. Also, a big congrats to @RiveraLuv04 on your pregnancy!

sfleiss

My in-laws were exactly the same, not one peep! Which was especially odd, since when we told my MIL we were expecting, she literally sobbed for over 5 minutes, as if someone died, that bad, bc she was so happy. When she heard of our mc, didn't call, text, email, NOTHING. Even in person, never mentioned it or asked how I was. I guess I expect it from my FIL, because he probably doesn't know what to say, and my BIL, who is just clueless, but really, my MIL?! Thank god I have my family for support, but yes, I do dislike my MIL a bit now. It is easy to focus on the negativity of people during this time bc we are in such a sad mind frame and are negative ourselves. I know it's hard, but try to put that negative energy aside, and focus your energy on you recovering emotionally and physically and trying to get through another pregnancy and seeing what we're are truly all desperately trying for, a beautiful, perfect, little baby.

mamalucy15

My FIL and BIL have been completely clueless on what to say to us so they stay away right now and it hurts not because I want them to acknowledge me but acknowledge the fact that they had lost there first granddaughter and neice it also hurts because that's all the family My husband has and there not here for him but I do my best to help him while I still have to help myself it's so hard we decided we'd try counseling at our church to help us in our grieving process. My parents on the other hand are completely mean they don't understand or try to understand that we are in pain they just brushed it off like nothing happened it upsets me so much but I've decided since they weren't happy at all about being first time grandparents so when we do end up getting pregnant again I don't think I want to share the news with them till I'm due or maybe even after the baby arrives.

katempar

I hate hearing, "Well, everyone goes through rough patches." I mean, yes, it's true. But some people experience rougher patches than others. I have heard from women who miscarried years and years ago that the pain and grief stays with you for life. It gets easier, but never goes away completely. There are some women who will never have to experience that. The pain of a woman who miscarried should not be cheapened or dismissed or grouped along with everyone else's "rough patches."

almostahawk

My in-laws have been lovely.  As have my friends.  It's my own mother that's been insensitive.  She is only trying to help by making it sound like nothing's happened, but it's doing the complete opposite and making it worse.  She immediately brushed it off with the 'you will have a baby in the future' and 'you wouldn't want a child that was disformed anyway' and 'I think I might have had a miscarriage in the past [...] I don't know, but I had a really heavy period.' and 'these things happen.' and 'it would only have been a speck.  Imagine losing a baby late in the pregnancy.'

Well thanks mum.  That's super comforting.  

I think that's what's made me so obsessed about the size of my baby (which incidentally would have been much bigger than a speck and would have had fingers).  Like I need to feel it was big to validate my sadness.  Which I know is total rubbish and I would be as sad at 5 weeks as I am now at 9, and no more sad had it happened a week later.  Everyone here is sad because of what would have been as much as what was.  We've been to the future countless times since we found out we were having a baby.  Just because it was in our minds doesn't make the loss insignificant.

As I said though, it's made my grief more difficult.  I wanted to do more that flush the chain when it happened but as I mentioned in a previous post, the miscarriage was more horrific than I imagined and I was in a state and wasn't brave enough to look.  I regret this now, because I wanted to see.  And maybe I want to see more now so that I would have something to remember to prove that it wasn't nothing.  I don't have the scan picture or anything.  

queen_frostine

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear this. We haven't told anyone yet. We discovered a blighted ovum at the appointment we thought we'd see the heartbeat at - we were planning on announcing after that. I plan on bringing it up when I have gotten some distance and the patience to deal with other people's reactions. Right now, dealing with other people is something I'd rather avoid. 

But, on the other hand, I can understand the poor reactions. I have never thought of miscarriage as being a big deal until it happened to me. And honestly, other people's miscarriages aren't a big deal to me. They don't feel important at all. So it's hard to understand how invested someone else was in their pregnancy. It's very different than the dream *I* dreamed. (Of course, that's no excuse for saying idiotic things... so ultimately silence might be the best, safest response.)