Who has control of the guest list at a baby shower?

DrillSergeantCat

DrillSergeantCat

The back story on this is a woman in a facebook group I'm in was not invited to her best friend's baby shower with the excuse being that it's being hosted by her sister and they don't get along. The best friend claims that she has no control over who was invited.

wisco29

The mother to be BUT if the host can't accommodate 120 people then it's more of a compromise or the mother to be needs to have separate ones, just like bridal showers.

Inlaws, co workers, family etc all have separate showers if that's an option

DrillSergeantCat

She had originally planned a surprise shower for the best friend and invited the sister. The sister then planned a non-surprise shower for the same day and invited everyone from the surprise shower list except this person.

Monkeybutt80

I couldn't participate in the poll; I think the mother to be sets the guest list, but the host sets the guest number limit. 

mamaek

I'd say the mother to be. However, there can be a run down of the list with host and discuss if need be. No baby shower experience here but bridal shower/bachelorette. Thinking works similarly.
I imagine if host invites a bunch of random people then mother to be isn't really focus there. It's not a party for the host.
To me, these types of events are more intimate and I want to see people there I actually know and care for.

DrillSergeantCat

Monkeybutt80 said:

I couldn't participate in the poll; I think the mother to be sets the guest list, but the host sets the guest number limit. 

I totally agree with that, but the MTB told her friend that she specifically wasn't invited because her sister didn't want her there.

Aussiechicka

KittyCatKCCO said:

She had originally planned a surprise shower for the best friend and invited the sister. The sister then planned a non-surprise shower for the same day and invited everyone from the surprise shower list except this person.

Wow that sister is a piece of work!

DrillSergeantCat

I probably should have put all of this information to begin with, but I really was trying to not skew the poll in any way. 

saltedcaramelgelatos

::::lurking:::::The host would have the ultimate say on the number of guests. But I feel the mother to be should have some input as to who is invited.

I guess it's awkward when you have grown adults act like children.

DrillSergeantCat

saltedcaramelgelatos said:

::::lurking:::::The host would have the ultimate say on the number of guests. But I feel the mother to be should have some input as to who is invited. I guess it's awkward when you have grown adults act like children.

Agreed. IF the response when she asked if she was invited was that she went over her guest limit and just HAD to invite Aunt Millie, I'd understand, but the reasoning was that the host just doesn't like her. If it were my shower and my hostess decided not to invite my best friend, I'd kindly explain to her that I want her there and they don't have to pretend to like each other. My two best friends are hosting my shower and they don't like each other. They're doing it because they love me.

mamaek

KittyCatKCCO said:

She had originally planned a surprise shower for the best friend and invited the sister. The sister then planned a non-surprise shower for the same day and invited everyone from the surprise shower list except this person.

wisco29

Cakesk said:

I'd say the mother to be. However, there can be a run down of the list with host and discuss if need be. No baby shower experience here but bridal shower/bachelorette. Thinking works similarly.
I imagine if host invites a bunch of random people then mother to be isn't really focus there. It's not a party for the host.
To me, these types of events are more intimate and I want to see people there I actually know and care for.

I had two bridal showers #1 was done by my bff I supplied the list of people and she approved the number. I also helped pick the date that worked for me, Same for Bach party...

#2 I got an invite in the mail, made my mom come with me... I had no idea who would be there and I only knew date and time because of the invite- I don't recommend that option.

mamaek

wisco29 said:

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Cakesk said:

I'd say the mother to be. However, there can be a run down of the list with host and discuss if need be. No baby shower experience here but bridal shower/bachelorette. Thinking works similarly.
I imagine if host invites a bunch of random people then mother to be isn't really focus there. It's not a party for the host.
To me, these types of events are more intimate and I want to see people there I actually know and care for.

I had two bridal showers #1 was done by my bff I supplied the list of people and she approved the number. I also helped pick the date that worked for me, Same for Bach party...

#2 I got an invite in the mail, made my mom come with me... I had no idea who would be there and I only knew date and time because of the invite- I don't recommend that option.

Same here. MIL had one for me. I knew about 10 people out of 150 (which to me, that number is just ridiculous). Shower was bigger than my wedding X_X

MyCousinVinny

Whoever is hosting gets the most say over the guest list, in terms of who is invited as well as how many are invited.

Now, many hosts will ask the MTB for their input on who they'd like to be invited.  But there are some hosts (cough, MILs, cough) that are excited to host their friends and family to sort of, show off.  In cases like that, you kind of have to suck it up and go with the flow.

In general, whomever is paying gets the final say.

mcklough

KittyCatKCCO said:

She had originally planned a surprise shower for the best friend and invited the sister. The sister then planned a non-surprise shower for the same day and invited everyone from the surprise shower list except this person.

oh no she didn't! I'm a biotch so I would yell at my sister and make sure my friend was invited or I would ask her to not throw my party because it would be tainted knowing that is how it started.

wisco29

MyCousinVinny said:

Whoever is hosting gets the most say over the guest list, in terms of who is invited as well as how many are invited.

Now, many hosts will ask the MTB for their input on who they'd like to be invited.  But there are some hosts (cough, MILs, cough) that are excited to host their friends and family to sort of, show off.  In cases like that, you kind of have to suck it up and go with the flow.

In general, whomever is paying gets the final say.

Haha that was me and my mom... Whispering "who is that again?" To each other and we still make fun of the fancy food they served! I sucked it up and went with it for my bridal shower

Monkeybutt80

KittyCatKCCO said:

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Monkeybutt80 said:

I couldn't participate in the poll; I think the mother to be sets the guest list, but the host sets the guest number limit. 

I totally agree with that, but the MTB told her friend that she specifically wasn't invited because her sister didn't want her there.

I think the sister-host is being petty and childish, but with that said, is she hosting it at her house? I think the host has some veto power, but should be exercised with caution. For example, if a friend of the mother to be had an affair with the host's husband - yeah, she gets to veto, even though she should be a bigger person and realize that the shower isn't about her but the mother to be. If the host just doesn't like the way the mother to be's friend looks at her? Grow up and invite her. 

RissKay

The # of guests should be run by the host, but the guest list should be up to the mother-to-be.

This was actually a huge point of tension between my MIL and I. My mom was hosting, and MIL wanted to invite all of these people I didn't know. I told her I wasn't comfortable with strangers (to me) coming to my baby shower.

She pitched a fit, started this whole big deal and ended up not coming at all. She did something similar during my bridal shower, so I wasn't all that surprised.


In this scenario, the sister should've invited the best friend ESPECIALLY since the friend had invited her. The shower isn't about you, the host, it's about the MTB and baby.

DrillSergeantCat

MyCousinVinny said:

Whoever is hosting gets the most say over the guest list, in terms of who is invited as well as how many are invited.

Now, many hosts will ask the MTB for their input on who they'd like to be invited.  But there are some hosts (cough, MILs, cough) that are excited to host their friends and family to sort of, show off.  In cases like that, you kind of have to suck it up and go with the flow.

In general, whomever is paying gets the final say.

Not saying you're wrong, but that seems shitty. Like it's no longer about the MTB and all about the hostess. 

brushesnbrunch

The sister host needs to grow up. Sheesh!

surferP528

It also may depend on the background info of why they don't get along.  If she just doesn't like her, she should get over it. If this girl slept with her man, or did her wrong in some way then I think BFF has to suck it up and stay home.

MyCousinVinny

KittyCatKCCO said:

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MyCousinVinny said:

Whoever is hosting gets the most say over the guest list, in terms of who is invited as well as how many are invited.

Now, many hosts will ask the MTB for their input on who they'd like to be invited.  But there are some hosts (cough, MILs, cough) that are excited to host their friends and family to sort of, show off.  In cases like that, you kind of have to suck it up and go with the flow.

In general, whomever is paying gets the final say.

Not saying you're wrong, but that seems shitty. Like it's no longer about the MTB and all about the hostess. 

It is shitty, to be honest.  But I look at it (not sure what etiquette states) the same way as who is paying for someone's wedding.  If the bride's parents are pitching in funds, then they should get a say in the wedding.  If you don't want them to have a say, then their money should not be accepted.

And since baby showers are gifts to the MTB, technically she should have little input, as it's rude to dictate the specifics of your gift.

But many hosts, even when I hosted a shower for my sister, asked the MTB for her input on the guest list.  Most do but some don't and when they don't, that's when it applies.

DrillSergeantCat

Monkeybutt80 said:

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I think the sister-host is being petty and childish, but with that said, is she hosting it at her house? I think the host has some veto power, but should be exercised with caution. For example, if a friend of the mother to be had an affair with the host's husband - yeah, she gets to veto, even though she should be a bigger person and realize that the shower isn't about her but the mother to be. If the host just doesn't like the way the mother to be's friend looks at her? Grow up and invite her. 

She is hosting at her house and I agree that if she had stolen from her or slept with her man, that's a definite reason to say she can't come. It's literally just their personalities don't mesh.

DrillSergeantCat

MyCousinVinny

She invited everyone else from the surprise shower except for this one person. It seems like she did accept MTB's input.

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MyCousinVinny

Wait, I just need clarification because I'm a little confused.

So there are two showers on the same day: one is a surprise and the other isn't.  And the guest lists are the exact same except the best friend's friend?

DrillSergeantCat

MyCousinVinny said:

Wait, I just need clarification because I'm a little confused.

So there are two showers on the same day: one is a surprise and the other isn't.  And the guest lists are the exact same except the best friend's friend?

There were two showers. The person who asked the question (Summer) had planned a surprise shower for her best friend and invited the sister. The sister then planned another shower on the same day and invited the same people with the exception of Summer. Sister called Summer and chewed her out for planning a shower so Summer cancelled hers. 

MyCousinVinny

Oh, I see, sorry.  That's a really crappy situation and her sister sounds like a peach.

It sucks that Summer cancelled her shower.  If my sister had done that to me, I would've told her that I wasn't attending and I'd be going to the one my best friend was throwing and she could either come or not.

MamaFroFro

I don't think the poll question even matters in this scenario. If I were the mom to be I would cancel the shower. What ridiculous, unnecessary drama. Mom to be should not have to stress about any of this, and it is incredibly selfish and immature of the sister. Also, a surprise shower isn't ideal either because the mom to be should have some say in the shower! If it were me, I would cancel and if someone who is caring and drama free offered to host, I'd except that person's offer.

inomniaparatus

My mom is hosting my shower and asked for my guest list. 

I'm sure if I came to her with 100 people on it, she'd be like - "trim it!" 

But, I (of course) didn't and am pretty much inviting the minimum the restaurant will even accept (40-50)

My mom just got married and she's inviting her new husband's family-- people I met once who I don't know well but I don't really care. More gifts for me, I guess  

cMichelle0423

MyCousinVinny said:

Whoever is hosting gets the most say over the guest list, in terms of who is invited as well as how many are invited.

Now, many hosts will ask the MTB for their input on who they'd like to be invited.  But there are some hosts (cough, MILs, cough) that are excited to host their friends and family to sort of, show off.  In cases like that, you kind of have to suck it up and go with the flow.

In general, whomever is paying gets the final say.

This. I mean *most* hosts would probably ask MTB for a list of people they would like to invite, but I don't think they HAVE to. Throwing someone a baby shower is a gift in itself, and no one is required to throw MTB one.

Op's scenario, well her friend's, is crappy but has nothing to do with the poll question. People are just being ugly for petty reasons and if I were the MTB I would cancel both parties and call it a day.

Timmysgal02

I have hosted 2 baby showers before, purchased everything with my money & told the mothers to be the budget before hand. And they could invite whoever they wanted to invite regardless of my feelings, as long as it was in budget. It was 3 hours of my life to celebrate the mothers to be, and seeing them 100% happy is what that day was about!

SoSweetTea1124

I always thought that the host of the party has ultimate control over the guest list. As the mother to be you give your list of must have's so that invitations can be mailed out, but ultimately its up to the host to send out those invites. I don't agree that the host has the right to leave anyone off the list as important as one of your best friends. If the guest list is too large to them to be able to accommodate they need to consult the MTB and see if there is a way to trim it down. Ultimately the host is paying and can decide to cut whoever they want. 

lilqt3929

The host should inform the mother to be on how many people she is able to accommodate and the mother of the bride should provide a list to the host of who she would like at her shower. The host shouldn't have a say just because she doesn't like someone else (how childish) when you are throwing a shower for someone else. It's totally fine to not like someone but come on, deal with it for a few hours and get over yourself or don't offer to throw the shower! I have some of this in my family and it drives me absolutely nuts, I finally had to put my mother in her place since she will have to deal with MIL for every birthday party for my kids in the future. Luckily, it worked and she actually went out of her way to include MIL in preparations for my baby shower for my 1st.

acuteangles

Women can get so nasty even in the best, most celebratory circumstances!  It's amazing.  One of my friends asked me for my address for her baby shower, which was held at her own house but hosted by a friend, and then several weeks passed and I never received an invitation.  The friend who hosted it has never really liked me, for reasons I do not fully understand, and I think she just decided to go ahead and leave me off the invite list and not tell mom-to-be.  Well, mom-to-be called me and asked why I hadn't RSVP'd and we sorted it out and I attended, but I was still kind of baffled by the host's behavior.  Plus, the invite included requests of things to bring to play baby games and whatnot (like a childhood picture) and since I never got an invite, I was excluded from several games.  Probably most awkward baby shower I've ever been to!