It looks like I'm going to be a single mom at 43 :( — The Bump
Pregnant after 35

It looks like I'm going to be a single mom at 43 :(

My marriage has been falling apart and this morning seemed to be the last straw for both of us. We both said ugly, hurtful things. His mother later came over and let me know how angry she was with me, too. I just want to pick up and leave, but it's not so easy. See, I gave up everything to move to the UK last year and I have no friends and no support here. I've never felt settled or like this was my home from the very beginning. I don't want to cut my husband off from his child, but when I move back to the US, he will be. Since I'm here on a spouse visa, I cannot stay if we are not living together (wouldn't have qualified for citizenship until 2020). Our child will be a dual citizen, so when he/she is older, I certainly want to encourage a close relationship between them. However, there is a high probability that he will not be there when our baby is born (not to get too much into it, but he has Asperger's and no job/ not much money to fly back and forth). My parents would be willing to buy him a ticket, but I don't know where things will stand between us by January when the due date comes around. 

He said he hates me for making him into the kind of man he hates, i.e., one who is not there for his child, and I feel terrible about it. I know how much he wants to be a dad, but there's no way I can stay here if our marriage ends. I'll be kicked out of the country, so I'd rather leave on my own before that happens. It's a bad situation all around. 

Sorry if I rambled. I am really sad this morning. 


Re: It looks like I'm going to be a single mom at 43 :(

  • I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're facing this situation. I can imagine it's terribly hard.

    I did just want to say, however, that you're not the one who is making your husband into "the man whose not there for his child." Two people make a relationship what it is, and the circumstances are what the circumstances are in terms of your options for staying in the UK.

    I assume there's not an option for your DH to move to the US, in which case it would be like you accusing him of being to blame for making you into a single mother.

    I do kind of want to slap your MIL for putting her 2 cents worth in.

    I hope you're able to find some peace as you move through this process, and that you are able to find some support around you too.

    We're always here for you to vent and to use as a sounding board.

    Best wishes to you!
    Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old

  • My mother wants me to ask him to come with me to the US, but we haven't talked since his mother left. I have a feeling he'll say no and his mother will be against the idea also. 

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  • It sounds like a break from his mommy may be just what he needs! Relationships are tough and pregnancy is very stressful, I don't care how anyone makes it look. If you want to, I'm sure you and your husband can work through that. Everyone gets mad and says things out of anger, that's definitely something that you can both apologize for and move forward working on a new plan (since what you've doing isn't working). And I agree with @KateLouise, you aren't making him anything! Like I said, it sounds like a break from his mommy is what he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself instead of blaming you so he can be a father himself.
  • Right there with plainjane8350 ... I also feel anger towards your MIL. I had my first child overseas and felt isolated and alone. It's incredibly I sensative of your MIL to get in the middle. I would die if my MIL, or my own mother for that matter, knew specifics of arguments / problems my husband and I have gone through.
    As PP's have said it takes 2 to create any situation and you can not be blamed for things you can not control.
    Although I can not specifically relate with your husbands issues I have a pretty good idea of how stressful it has been for you.
    Just know there are women out here that understand and wish the best for you!
  • Thank you all for taking the time to read and giving some empathy and sage advice.

    As it stands now, we are talking. A lot. That's really good because our communication was at a virtual standstill in the weeks before this fight. I have not spoken to his mother since Monday, but I need to find a constructive way to let her know that I feel she overstepped her bounds. Additionally, I need to have ''the talk'' with my husband about not informing her of every thing that goes on in our marriage. Those conversations will wait until my head is in a better place.

    I am going home for 8 days to the US to see my parents, and I look forward to some rest, home cooking and familiar sights. Hopefully, I will return with a new perspective on things and my husband will have had time to reflect as well. 

    One thing stands: we love each other and want to raise our child as a family under the same roof. 

  • Honestly, I wouldn't worry about your MIL right now. That's his job. As she senses that she's losing control, she'll probably just get even harder to deal with. If anyone's going to say anything that makes an impact, it needs to be him anyway. I'd just focus on continuing to communicate with him. Happy to hear that things have improved!
  • Keep the mothers out of your marriage! Its between you, your husband and God. You can work through anything if you want to. The only counsel you should be seeking is God's. He's the only one that will provide you with the strength and wisdom you need.
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