Name tradition dilemma - thoughts?

kettlekitten

sorry this is another boring name post.... But I need the opinion of random Internet strangers.

DH just informed me a couple of weeks ago that he wants to continue the tradition of having the fathers first name as the sons middle name.... which of course sounds like no big deal, and the front running first name sounds fine with it, but when he says that I think the following things...

- DD's middle name (may) has meaning for both of us in that it is an anglicised version of a Chinese word, and DH and I met in China. May is also both DH and my birth month so it has a significance for all of us. If DS has DH's name then it's like I'm excluded altogether.
- the kids already have his family name so his name is being continued that way
- DD looks like DH, SIL and FIL so they get their genes carried on and get to have all the 'oh she looks just like xxxxx at that age' moments
- I feel like it's this patriarchal thing where the dad is sufficiently important to have his name carried on and the son is important enough to continue a tradition, but the mother, who does all the fricking work, doesn't even get a nod and the daughter isn't worthy of carrying on a tradition.

I knew that this tradition was in his family but didn't know he felt strongly about it til he said 'oh I thought we had decided to use my name as the Middle name' and I was like 'whaaaa....??' He conceded we could use another M name as the middle name but I can't come up with one I like under pressure.

YES I know I'm overthinking all of this! It's only a middle name after all. What do you think?

Miz_Liz

I get it. When DS was born I told DH I wanted to use my dad's first name as his middle name because I felt it was the closest my dad may get to carrying on his name. My oldest brother has 3 girls who will hopefully one day marry and then they will have their husbands' last names and then my other brother doesn't even have a GF so who knows if he will ever even have kids. DH agreed and my father was so touched by it he cried. I felt the same - he was already going to carry on DH's (and my) last name, so to me it only seemed fair that my family name be carried on in some way shape or form too. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

abmommy15

My husband has the same tradition and we are sticking to it but giving our son 2 middle names. The first will be his dad's name to carry the tradition and the second was totally my choice. That way we both felt like we had a say. Is that an option for you?

kat+1

My family has the same tradition. My brother has 4 middle names and when my son was born we had picked out his name as William Ian lastName.
As soon as I saw my son it was like oh well that's not his name. So his name is William daddy's name grandpas name lastName.
I love that he has his fathers names.
And our daughter is going to have my name and my mothers name for middle names

SassetteSmurfling

I completely get where you're coming from. I think if I was in your position it would just depend if I liked DH's name or not. I personally really don't like my DH's name and I would never use it as a first or middle name for a son. However, I like the feminine version as a middle name for a girl. The only reason we didn't use that for DD2 is because I didn't like the way it sounded with her first name.

But I think since the kids carry on fathers last name (typically) there is no need to carry on a first or middle unless you both truly like the name anyway.

deviduke412

I personally don't see the big deal. But that's me. My dh and I decided early on that our son will have his middle name and if we ever have a daughter, she will have my middle name. That's the farthest family names go for us. Yes, we are the ones that carry the baby for 9 months, etc. But I don't see why that gives us any more entitlement over the father? Just with my beliefs, the patriarch is important and is the leader of the house so I would want my children to carry on his name and not mine.
Now if you don't like your dh's middle name, that's a different story. I wouldn't want my kid to have a name I didn't like. But it sounds more like you just don't want it Bc he wants it and that you would feel left out. You are having a boy though so it makes sense that he'd have a name after his father and not his mother. Can you guys start your own tradition and branch out from the "norm" of his family and pick a name you both love? Anyways...just my thoughts. And I'm an internet stranger.

ChanelLovesB

DH has a similar tradition but the middle name is god awful. DH agrees. But to keep with the tradition LO will have DH's first name and middle name initial. We then decided that I could pic a second middle name for the babe Bc I really feel like his name is forced and not special to me. That was our solution. Not perfect but a compromise. Hope u two can see eye to eye and decide.

lifesabeach85

I totally get where you're coming from, but for me it would depend on if you have a family name you would rather use. If, for example, you wanted to use your father or grandfathers name or your maiden name for the mn I would go with that. But if you just want to use a random name I would give preference to tradition.

Saratiff

Personally I don't see the big deal. It's the middle name spot. It's means something to your husband and his family. I don't see it as a hill to die on. Our dD name has no significance to me or my family but her middle is DH grandmothers name. He loves it and I like it.

qtjo5

Lurking from July. My DH culture is that all children, regardless of sex, have the father's first name as their middle name. So He and his brother and sister (all three of them) have their father's name as their middle name. This is expected to follow w our children. My son has DH name for a middle name. Our future children will too. I knew fhis well in advance, so I am okay with it.

Saratiff

qtjo5 said:

Lurking from July. My DH culture is that all children, regardless of sex, have the father's first name as their middle name. So He and his brother and sister (all three of them) have their father's name as their middle name. This is expected to follow w our children. My son has DH name for a middle name. Our future children will too. I knew fhis well in advance, so I am okay with it.

Props to you momma! I would have a harder time with girls having dads name as a middle but like I said. For me I just don't care as much.

jenandbrett

I honestly dont see the big deal either. It seems to be really important to him and you don't have a preference, so where's the problem? You will always be his mom and the bond the two of you have will be like no other. There will be hundreds of traditions you can pass on to him and create as your own. Would you rather pass on the legacy of his father and grandfather or explain that his name doesn't follow their tradition bc you were feeling jealous? You love this man enough to create a life with him, I see no reason to hurt him like this, especially when you don't have an alternative choice. As for the daughter not being important enough to carry on a tradition, I don't get it. You could have given her your middle name, but you didn't. You chose a different middle name that was important to you. It was your choice, not something forced on you.

puccagirl77

I agree you are overthinking it. Both of my daughters will have my middle name, so you can feel a little better about the patriarchy maybe?

kettlekitten

Thanks all for your opinions... I vacillate between one end of the spectrum and the other (it does matter...to It doesn't matter). So the consensus based on the posts above is... That People have different opinions

I guess I feel like me and DH are a partnership, and until DD was born we contributed equally to everything. so it feels like one kid having a name from one parent was favouring one over the other. I felt we deliberately chose a name for DD that was part of both of us. I would have felt silly and perhaps overly self important giving her my name. It's not jealousy as much as it's just a tradition I don't love, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter that much....

Thanks again for your thoughts!

Saratiff

kettlekitten said:

Thanks all for your opinions... I vacillate between one end of the spectrum and the other (it does matter...to It doesn't matter). So the consensus based on the posts above is... That People have different opinions

I guess I feel like me and DH are a partnership, and until DD was born we contributed equally to everything. so it feels like one kid having a name from one parent was favouring one over the other. I felt we deliberately chose a name for DD that was part of both of us. I would have felt silly and perhaps overly self important giving her my name. It's not jealousy as much as it's just a tradition I don't love, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter that much....

Thanks again for your thoughts!

But your does care and doesn't feel self important and it's his tradition. And you just said it matter that much so why not let him keep his tradition?

I guess I don't understand how following his tradition and honoring your husband in this way makes you any way less part of the partnership.

kettlekitten

Sure. I also said I am back and forth about whether it matters. On the one hand I think let him have his tradition, on the other hand I think, shouldn't I feel 100% happy with the name we give our only son?

As to the second part of your comment @Saratiff - hadn't thought of it in that way... Good point...

At any rate let's just say this will be the least of my worries very soon!!