Another day, another stupid comment

beckihall

Today I had ANOTHER person ask me when I was going to start having kids. I turned to facebook (where I've been documenting my struggles with infertility ) to vent about how rude and inconsiderate it is to ask a woman that.
Then I received my daily stupid comment. My sister, who is pregnant with her 4th child in 6 years, commented about how she feels the same pain when people ask her if she knows the baby's sex.

I don't have enough eye rolls to convey how I feel, so I figured I'd share and laugh about it with you ladies!

Anyone else have any crazy comments lately?

AMT&THC

Darn sisters! I love mine so much but that gal can sure complain about her kids and her life. I was just at her house earlier in the week and she lamented about how my mom wants to watch her kids instead of the babysitter she has hired. She just has too many people that are interested in helping her out! haha! (She is a SAHM and she has a babysitter twice a week plus my mom offering to take the kids on the regular who lives 5 minutes away.) It's just funny. I know that she likes to use me as a sounding board. We are best friends. But, she just sounds like she takes things for granted sometimes. I guess we all have our crosses to bear, right? Your sister is maybe trying to relate with you but is not doing a very good job at all. Is she usually someone who needs a lot of attention? Sounds like it could be a comment aiming for attention as well. I am sorry!! 

beckihall

She's been horrific through this while experience, I try to be understanding, but it's driven such a wedge between us. I know deep down she is just genuinely ignorant to my feelings. It's so rough, im sorry you have to listen to your sister complain, I know how hard it can be!

AMT&THC

That's too bad that she has been and continues to be horrible about this. It'd be different if it was a friend and you could easily distance yourself. It's harder when it's family. 

KidShrink

Maybe our sisters could all hang out. Mine's been pretty bad too (not anything recent though...we live 6 hrs away and there's always been a bit of a wedge between us, but it's grown considerably over the past few months as I can't bear to listen to her stupidities at this point. I feel your pain ladies!

lilmissslp

I'm so sorry! It is such a painful question and I don't understand why people think it's ok to ask. I have a coworker that asks me all the time when we're going to have kids and anytime I feel sick, she says, "you're pregnant". Nothing about this is easy!

lilmissslp

I was trying to add this picture too

riveridgional

It's pretty ironic. I've come up with a few responses for the "next" time I get asked ot hear an annoying insensitive question or comment that I can quickly pull out. However, every time I come up with a good response, I stop being asked the question or told the comment! Here are a few of mine (I'm pretty open about my struggle, so I'm not afraid to really point out someone's insensitivity):

"They are so lucky they can [go out late any night, go on vacation, etc.] whenever they want."
Holstered response: Yeah, infertility is SO much fun! And the amount of money you get to spend on it...girl, you have no idea what you're missing out on!

"It must be killing your mom that you don't have kids yet! I know she's been dying for a grandbaby"
Holstered response: I think she's fine. She's not the one breaking down every month. She's got 3 other bodies to give her grandbabies. I have one.

"When are you going to have kids?"
Response: I guess when my body decides to start working.

"Just stop trying and it will happen"
Response: Wait, you mean I'm not supposed to have sex to get pregnant!? Wow...I've been doing it wrong this whole time. Thank you!

These are the only ones I can think of off the top of my head but there are others. I swear, though, every time I tell myself or my husband, "The next time ___ says or asks ___, I'm going to say ___," I never hear that comment or question again.

Anyone else have any good stock responses to annoying questions or comments?

krbjoy

Whenever I am asked if we have kids, when will we have kids, or etc I just respond by saying "We're working on it!" They usually just drop it or say well you better get on it. Or if it's the guys at work say "no, don't do it! Trust me". Seriously. Working with all men is grrreeat! I don't know why they bother to ask, but they always do.

KidShrink

Here are a few I've thought of:

'Well, it doesn't matter if it doesn't work, at least you'll be an auntie!' - 'Oh, right, because that totally makes up for it, doesn't it?'

'Stop thinking about it, relax, go on a nice vacation, you'll see, you'll come back pregnant!' - 'Well so far, we've tried Cuba, Florida, Turks and Caicos and Italy...do you know of any destination that would be more baby-making friendly because clearly my choices weren't that great'

'Yeah but you guys are so busy and stressed out! You had a lot going on in the past few months'- 'Well, last I heard, people did get pregnant in concentration camps and that sounds a lot more stressful than my life.'

'Uh, this is so hard, this kid is always crying and I can't get any sleep...' - 'I'd rather be awake because of a baby crying than because I'm crying from not having a baby, but I guess that's all relative'

FatPony

I would more turn it back on the person asking. 'When are you having kids?' 'Right around the time you learn to mind your own damn business'

2legbaby

I had a friend ,who has a 1 year old now, embarrassed to take off the cover of her swimsuit due to her persistent "post baby belly" compared to my flat abs....I would give up my flat abs in a hot second to have a little post baby pooch! I think friends, sisters and other relatives who have had babies just don't understand what comments might be hurtful to those with IF. 

If anyone has come up with some great come back to "just relax and it will happen" let me know. Despite knowing all our medical issues my mom still likes to say this...so far I just come back with.."actually 10,000 tests tell us that no amount of relaxation is going to result in making a baby on our own" LOL

beckihall

@2legbaby My tubes are completely blocked and my sister keeps telling me "don't worry, the sperm will find away" I FEEL YOUR PAIN GIRL!

bookworm40

@2legbaby what is it with mothers?!?!? My mother has been with me every single step of this very hard journey and knows all of the issues we have and has heard it right from the mouth of my RE (she went with me once when my DH couldn't be at the appt) yet yesterday she still had the nerve to say well if this IVF cycle doesn't work than just try on your own for a couple of months it's bound to happen. Really? Wow I didn't know she heard anything different than I did!! Ugh. Family.

oxinfree

My sister in law (I don't have a sister), is in the same boat. Do you think maybe its because we're family that they don't really filter as much?!? 

@2legbaby YES! Give me the comeback when someone shares it with you! I'm dying for one in my repertoire! LOL. Maybe I'll try "If the magic is in relaxing, I should be pregnant with a litter"  or how about going ultra personal on them with something like "Well we tried that. We also tried having sex in the upside down giraffe position, but that didn't work either... guess we're at a loss"

ooooh dear.....

@riveridgional - great suggestions! I particularly like the "wait I'm not supposed to have sex!?" one EXCELLENT!

AshKazmi

"You need to hurry and get pregnant!"
Oh hey great idea buddy!

"You can't understand until you have kids."
Yeah, that one stings more than anything. Thanks for once again making me feel inadequate.

mummysmomma

My favorite is maybe your not trying hard enough. Really. The amount of monitoring, sex, doctors, patients....isn't hard enough lol The BF and I normally respond one of two ways...if they know what's going on - once my body decides not to be complicated... If they don't know - it's I. The works trust us. Some people that don't understand infertility don't always say the right thing. It wasn't until I sat my dad down and gave him a full detailed explication that he stopped telling me to try harder or just relax it will work.

AdorkablePixie

Thankfully I don't have a sister to make insensitive comments. Only my three best friends know, and only one of them knows all the same people I know. She has been very good about the whole thing. She pretty much NEVER complains about her children. She has a two year old and a five month old and I never hear her say a negative thing about them. She rarely asks me how things are going, she knows if I want to talk, I will bring it up. I'm so very lucky to have her. I tend not to bring it up though, because I know she doesn't really get it. Sometimes she tells me it will happen eventually, but I don't think she gets the extent of how things are.

Anyway, I love some of your responses to comments! My MIL use to constantly make comments. Those have stopped, much to my surprise.

ast3037

::sigh:: yeah... at the beginning of our trying I told everyone but I didnt think this would be such a long process.  9 months later nothing.  ugh why did I tell people? smh

Navarro1126

Was at a family function on Saturday when i decided to hold my baby niece. I fed her and she fell asleep on my chest (my favorite feeling) it was constant staring and comments from my family telling me how "good" motherhood looks on me and asking what we are waiting for? Gggrrr...they know my husband went through Chemo a few years ago and that infertility was going to be an issue. I know they don't realize how their comments affect me but I don't know how to tell them to stop and don't want to stop holding babies

oxinfree

@ast3037, unfortunately one probably isn't all that better than the other. Not telling people, you'd be constantly fielding questions of WHEN you would start. It can feel embarrassing or just hard, but ultimately, opening up can be quite therapeutic. 

For me laying it all out on the line, and being brutally honest/open about it all (no matter how weird it makes others feel) has been my saving grace. That way too, my close friends are often sure to break the news to me personally and as gently as they know how so I don't end up with quite as many Facebook shockers. 

I found around 9 months to be a very difficult time. It's when you really start to wonder about things, but try and keep as positive as you can and confide in a few really close friends or family if you feel you are able to. You might find some friends don't know how to support you, but others will try everything they can to understand even though they never possibly can.

I hope you are successful on your journey and find a happy ending sooner rather than later!

@Navarro1126 - wow. that's so incredibly hard. I know how much love we have for our friends kids and nieces/nephews, but it can also sting incredibly badly. I actually have a theory that we who struggle were given the gene "meant" to be mothers, because it was the only way we would have the strength to overcome our obstacles. I'm not sure how comfortable you feel opening up to them, but sometimes a simple response to the when are you having kids question is just "when we are so blessed to, but for now, I guess i'm blessed to be an aunt" etc. I know how hard this is just with my friends' kids, and am now about to be an aunt myself. Our love for other babies doesn't take away the pain of not holding our own. Big hugs to you.

 

Navarro1126

@oxinfree Thank you for your response. It is very difficult to express myself without getting teary eye but i may have to be more open about my feelings. I will definitely use your suggestion. Thanks again xx

lilmissslp

@Navarro1126 I'm the same way. Two years later and I still have a hard time talking about it without getting emotional. My husband and I have been married 3 years and are both 30 so we're really getting the question a lot. I'm torn…it's a private struggle that I don't want to tell many people but at the same time I'm so tired of the questions. I think I'm going to start saying that we'd like to have children but it's been very hard for us. Good luck to you all!

Oh and talking about stupid comments, I had a friend (who is very into yoga) tell me that my chakras are just blocked and I need to meditate and do yoga. Oh is that all it is?! So I've spent two years trying, surgeries, hormone pills, shots, X-rays, tests, IUIs, etc, and all this time it was just my chakras! Lol I wanted to punch him.

AdorkablePixie

@lilmisslp It is amazing what people will say isn't it?! Like yoga is going to help. It might help you relax, but I seriously doubt it's going to get you pregnant! Otherwise we'd all be doing it. lol

lilmissslp

@AdorkablePixie it really is! I'm sure yoga couldn't hurt but I don't think it's the magic answer to my problems!

AshKazmi

lilmissslp said:

@Navarro1126 I'm the same way. Two years later and I still have a hard time talking about it without getting emotional. My husband and I have been married 3 years and are both 30 so we're really getting the question a lot. I'm torn…it's a private struggle that I don't want to tell many people but at the same time I'm so tired of the questions. I think I'm going to start saying that we'd like to have children but it's been very hard for us. Good luck to you all!

I know what you mean. I very recently came out(for lack of better word) about our struggles on instagram... Obviously leaving out details, but it felt like a huge weight lifted! My aunt who also had fertility issues was like I couldn't believe you did that, but she said she understood why I did it. It's such a lonely journey we're on and sometimes I just need a little support. As long as they don't give useless advice, but a little "hugs and prayers for you" is what I need to hear.