Is it selfish to....?

Hector33

Im a FTM so have no prior experience apart from all the horror stories I have heard! Im wondering if it is selfish to ask for no visitors at the hospital when bubs comes in to this work and for a couple of weeks after we get home? We want to allow for maximum bonding time and so we get into some kind of routine.

ChiccoBeanz

It is all a matter of perspective my dear. 

Disneygeek77

No visitors for a few weeks ?   Eeeeeeeee,  yeah that is a bit much in my opinion.

Is there a way you can compromise like no hospital visits longer than an hour or no overnight house guests ?

MyCousinVinny

Hector33 said:

Im a FTM so have no prior experience apart from all the horror stories I have heard! Im wondering if it is selfish to ask for no visitors at the hospital when bubs comes in to this work and for a couple of weeks after we get home? We want to allow for maximum bonding time and so we get into some kind of routine.

For me personally, no visitors at the hospital seems reasonable.  For a few weeks after birth, not so much.

I couldn't imagine not letting our immediate families meet our child until he/she was already a few weeks old.  That just seems...cruel.  You will still get plenty of bonding time with your baby, even if you sacrifice a few hours of visitors.

DrillSergeantCat

Yes, it's selfish, but it's also your right. That is your baby, not your friend's and family's. You can specify at the hospital that you only want your parents visiting and anyone else will be turned away. It's rough being at the hospital with nurses coming in checking on you and the baby. Use that time to rest. Once you get home, I'd set my own visiting hours. When someone asks if they can come meet the LO, you can say "sure between 5-7pm works for me."

Jessie42613

I can't imagine telling close friends and family that they aren't permitted to visit the new baby for several weeks after they arrive.  However, you CAN control these visits.  No need to have an open door policy at your home.  Tell people when a good time is, and don't be afraid to decline company if you know it's not good for your schedule.

I'm a FTM as well and right now my plan is no hospital visitors for a few hours after baby arrives.  I also want some quiet, private time.  But I think it would make me sad to have no visitors at all...

jenbstevens

I don't think it's "selfish" since you are doing in what you feel is the best interest of your baby. I don't however think it's appropriate to keep your family and those who care about you from seeing your baby for that long. Babies that little are not interrupted by visitors, they sleep most of the time anyway, and you have plenty of time to bond even if you allow a few hours worth of visitors over the first few weeks.

Hector33

Um more concerned about people just turning up at home whenever they feel like it because "oh I was just driving past" or it was a good time for them to come amd visit and having no consideration for how im feeling or how the baby is feeling. I think I would feel comfortable with visitors coming at a certain time rather than just turning up thanks everyone.

Bigboobsmcgee

Personally I think FTM's overthink this part of having a baby but if you feel that you need all that "bonding" time then go ahead and dictate who can visit and when. You are the parent after all.

For the birth of both of my kids I had to opinion of "the more the merrier" about visitors at the hospital. I was over the moon with excitement after having my kids and didn't mind that people came to visit for maybe a total of 2 hours of the 24 that I was in the hospital. I had PLENTY of bonding time with both of my newborns, especially in the middle of the night when it was just the 2 of us.

Just a little perspective for you.

Disneygeek77

You can take it on a case by case visit.

If someone calls and it isn't a good time, be honest and tell them that, " I''m sorry but now is not a good time.  How about tomorrow around 2 ?"

If someone shows up unannounced at the doors you do the same thing " Oh, I'm sorry you came all this way but now is not a good time.  How does tomorrow at 2 sound ?"

KateLouise

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Hector33 said:

Um more concerned about people just turning up at home whenever they feel like it because "oh I was just driving past" or it was a good time for them to come amd visit and having no consideration for how im feeling or how the baby is feeling. I think I would feel comfortable with visitors coming at a certain time rather than just turning up thanks everyone.

In this situation, it's perfectly acceptable not to invite people in, or to say it's not a good time. I remember with our 2nd; baby had just gone to sleep, DH had taken DD1 out for a while so I could rest, and I was just about to go and have a sleep. MIL turned up on the doorstep unannounced, to drop something off, and I just didn't invite her in. I said, "great, thank you, you should have let us know you were coming out." Then when she said, "it's quiet here today." I said, "yes DH has taken DD1 out so I can have some rest." and then I stared at her, until she got the point and left.

But my MIL used to always turn up unannounced, so I got used to saying, "now's not a good time."

Other times people do turn up genuinely just to drop off a gift or some food, and truly have no intention of staying.

Not There Yet

I live a couple thousand miles from my family, so we didn't have any hospital visitors at all when my son was born and only my parents and brother about a week after the baby was born. My sister-in-law had a similar strict policy on no visitors the week after they got home. I don't think it's selfish, it was really nice actually. It lets you get a grip on being a parent and become the expert on your child. You may find  that a week is enough private time before you want to show the baby off though.

irsikb

I'm having the same conversation with my husband. We both have really big families who are all really excited, it's the first niece/nephew (we don't know the gender) &grandbaby on both sides.

I'm also a little nervous about the timing of baby, flu gets started around here in fall.

We have compromised to immediate family visiting in the hospital 2 hours after delivery. They can stay in town as long as they wish but not at our home, and visiting hours are from 11-7 in our home. However, we have a condo in the area that we rent to vacationers in the summer (we live in a high tourist area) so this may not be a viable option with hotels and such.

Thanksgiving is 2 weeks after I am due so we will invite extended family to visit at that time.

I've already set the expectation with friends that I'm excited to introduce baby, but that I ask that they wait for the green light from
Hubby and I to visit.

I'm also a first timer and I want the bonding but more importantly I want to figure out what the heck I am doing with the basics before people visit. I still have what my friends call "first time shyness" figuring out breast feeding is not something I want to do with an audience. I also want to make sure that We get to focus on baby while in in the hospital so that we can ask any questions without being distracted by people coming and going. As I said, we are the first in our families so I don't have a sister or cousin or any real experience.

Obviously these are all fluid plans and things can always change but I think it's important to let people know your wishes before hand so that they don't get their feelings hurt. They are taking time out of their day to visit and say congrats so it's also important to respect their time as well.

pettycrocker

It is your kid. Do what works for you and SO. We asked for no visitors at the hospital, and I arranged for visits at home when I felt up to it. 

Jessie42613

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like having my MIL come stay with us immediately after the baby is born would be the best thing ever.  She'd help with cooking, cleaning, watch the baby so I can have a nap or a shower, and not require or expect me to entertain her.

That's sorta my policy on all visitors.  Like, if you're going to be in my house that's awesome, but you're going to *help,* not fart around and cuddle my baby until she gets fussy then pass her back off to me.  Cuddle her, then go make yourself useful and load the dishwasher or get the chicken in the oven, lol.

MamaHolland

My baby will be born in cold and flu season. Nope I don't plan on a lot of foot traffic.

celainev

Hector33 said:

Im a FTM so have no prior experience apart from all the horror stories I have heard! Im wondering if it is selfish to ask for no visitors at the hospital when bubs comes in to this work and for a couple of weeks after we get home? We want to allow for maximum bonding time and so we get into some kind of routine.

In the hospital it is completely up to you.. But to not allow anyone after you're home? That seems a bit drastic. I'm not sure about your relations with your family, but if they are good, I don't honestly believe in the whole "this is your baby so do what you want." Personally, I feel my parents and my DHs parents have every right to see my baby as they raised us both well. Then again if your relationships have been poor I can understand wanting alone time.
But in all honesty I don't know how having some close friends and family visiting you is going to effect your "maximum bonding." I'm pretty sure you can be extremely bonded and still have visitors. It is actually healthy for the baby to be held by someone that isn't you.

shaunahf

I couldn't wait to show my kids off. Loved having company, it's such a joyous time. I had lots of quality time with baby still.

Mamabeagle

Compromise my dear. Most parents don't immediately let family in at the hospital the second the baby is born, they wait a few hours. My mother wants to move in with us for two weeks the day the baby is born, and DH and I love the idea of her helping, but we agreed on a few days to ourselves as a new family but we are absolutely allowing family to visit. It takes a village.

keallenrmt

I found people were very respectful when DD was born. No one showed up unannounced at either the hospital or our house and anyone who wanted to visit asked first. Most brought either gifts for her or food for us and all were more than happy to hold her for a while so we could eat or shower. This time we won't be announcing DD2's birth until we're ready for visitors as I'll be having a c section but I am actually quite nervous about being home alone with 2 young kiddos (DD1 is 17 months) so I will welcome anyone who wants to watch one or both for a few hours so I can sleep or shower or whatever. You might find your decision changes once LO is born and you want to show them off to family and friends. I would just wait to see how you feel after and go from there.

midge519

My opinion on this is that yes you will want your bonding time but I think your time frame is excessive. It is your baby so do what feels best for you.

We've started telling people that we want people to swarm us at the hospital. Sounds crazy to most people but with both of my other children I loved the visitors and distraction in the hospital, and I never rested there so might as well enjoy it. Our hospital does have a limitation to how many at a time so that'll help it from being overwhelming. Our reasoning is also so when we get home we don't get bombarded. I'm all for people coming to visit at home (I have a few family members who don't visit in hospitals) but if you're coming to my home it is because you are understanding that I am not entertaining anyone, if we say its time to leave then you respect that, and it has to be a good time for us. I love the idea of having the nurses being able to shoo people away if we need space. I have a big family and they will visit so this is whats best for us.

ZoeyRaeJames

I don't think you're being selfish. YOU and your Hubby are the parents, and have every right to do what you feel is best! My hubby and I are honestly hoping that I will be able to have our child out of state, IF given to OK to move finally from where we're currently at. More so because we want to be Home HOME, before and after our baby is born. That, and it will take a good week drive, for those that choose to drive. Which would be MORE likely for most people I know, is to drive! And if we can't move, I want my Hubby ONLY on the room with me. And at least a day after that. Hopefully though, we can be be back in our actual home state, instead of where we don't want to be!

Be honestly, I don't think you're being selfish. You are doing what you feel is best. Go for it!

nram25

I don't think you're being selfish at all you're being a mommy. I've been thinking about limiting visitors at the hospital and no visitors at all until a week after we're home. Everyone's so excited about our twins being that their the first and both of our family's are huge and everyone's already saying "Oh, I want the girl" "while the others are saying, "I want the boy" l. I can just tell it's going to be hectic. So I think I like the idea of PP of setting a visiting hour time when we're home. Not worrying about needing help or anything because my mom will be around the first couple of months to help out.

cMichelle0423

KittyCatKCCO said:

Yes, it's selfish, but it's also your right. That is your baby, not your friend's and family's. You can specify at the hospital that you only want your parents visiting and anyone else will be turned away. It's rough being at the hospital with nurses coming in checking on you and the baby. Use that time to rest. Once you get home, I'd set my own visiting hours. When someone asks if they can come meet the LO, you can say "sure between 5-7pm works for me."

I agree with this. I didn't allow visitors with the exception of a couple people after I had both my boys (separate pregnancies). I think it's okay to wait a couple days after you get home too. Maybe bit weeks but a couple days. In my experience, you don't get a lot of rest at the hospital. I constantly had nurses and hospital staff in and out of my room and never got more than 10-20 min of sleep at a time. So maybe use those first couple days home as a chance to bond and recharge your batteries a little. Either way it's your call. Your experience, your baby, your call.

TacoSarah

New babies sleep - a lot. You will literally be on a 3 hour cycle of feeding, a bit of activity time and then sleeping. The whole 'bonding' thing in the first few weeks is over exaggerated IMO. And you will be exhausted, nice visitors who bring food and help you by watching the baby while you shower or do you time will be your biggest allies. Take all the help you can get.

Knottie15742183

I think having people visit in windows (5-7) for example is more reasonable.

In theory of course you would want max bonding time, who wouldn't ? But if your a FTM why not take advantage of people willing to support you even if it's just as company

redfallon

This is what we did with our daughter and do not regret it one bit. No visitors at the hospital and no visitors at home for at least the first two weeks. We wanted to be able to get things down on our own without people telling us how to do it. We had enough of that after the grandparents and such started visiting.

It's also not always about bonding with the baby for two weeks. You'll have some physical things going on with you postpartum that you may feel more comfortable running round in your underwear w/o having to think of people coming over.

When we had people come to visit, they didn't exactly help do anything. They sat on the couch and we fed them and entertained them. The one time that I tried to take a shower on my own while my sister and niece were visiting, I left DD (2 mos old) with them out on the porch and they didn't even look at her. They were too involved looking at their phones and computer.

If you are going to have people over who actually want to help you, then that's one thing. If you are going to have people who only want to hold the baby while you vacuum or cook dinner, then I see why you wouldn't want anyone coming over for a while.

ETA: Inlaws live about 2 hours away and my family are all at least 6 hours away. If they lived closer, then maybe we could have set up some limited visiting hours within those first two weeks, but we would have had people staying overnight with us, which was more burdensome.

mhwood

When our former neighbour had a baby, she printed up a sign which she would hang on her door through out the day. It stated that now was not a good time to visit, and that if the person wanted to call or email to find out what would be a better time, they could do so (not in those words, but you get the drift). It cut down on the number of interruptions for feedings, it also meant that the baby wasn't being woken up by ringing doorbells or knocking.

I thought it was a brilliant idea.

4N6s

No visitors at the hospital makes sense.

SaltyMcNulty

Just my 2 cents - it was much easier to have visitors for a short time at the hospital than at home.

Also, OP - I hope you don't plan on asking grandparents to stay away for a few weeks. That would be very selfish.

KittyCat84

Sorry if this hurts your feelings, but you asked for opinions Yes, I think it's selfish. Yours/his parents and siblings are probably looking forward to your child immensely, and not allowing them to see him/her because you want to bond and get into a routine is kind of a lame excuse IMHO. You are still able to bond and stick to a routine whether family stops by or not. If you need privacy for feeding, need to sleep or rest, family member is holding the baby too long, etc. you can always cut the visit short. If you take control of the visitations, you will have no problems bonding with your child and sticking to a routine. It's your right to allow who you want and when you want them to come over. Know when to say no and when to say yes, and you will be fine Know that preventing family from seeing your child for 2 weeks may cause enormous hurt to your family and a rift in your relationships. However, this is your child and you and SO have the right to do what you will. Just some things to take into consideration. 

ashhsa

I don't think it's selfish, at the end of the day if someone wants to visit you and you are not ready for visitors, and they get upset or angry THEY are being selfish, as they are completely disregarding your feelings. Birth is one of the hardest things you will go through physically and emotionally (or so I hear) so at the end of the day, it's not just about the baby it is about you and your recovery also. I don't think you can keep people away forever, but a few days is not much to ask... I will be only having family at the hospital, no friends.

keallenrmt

TacoSarah said:

New babies sleep - a lot. You will literally be on a 3 hour cycle of feeding, a bit of activity time and then sleeping. The whole 'bonding' thing in the first few weeks is over exaggerated IMO. And you will be exhausted, nice visitors who bring food and help you by watching the baby while you shower or do you time will be your biggest allies. Take all the help you can get.

Agreed. You really won't be missing much in the first few weeks but you will be exhausted so I say allow maybe close friends and immediate family over after a couple days, you'll want the break. But make sure to tell them if they come over they're not there to cuddle with baby, they're expected to help and give you a break. At least bring a meal for you or wash the dishes or something and if you want them to go, they go. Yes it's your baby but it's also going to be someone's grand baby, niece or nephew or family member and I think it's a little selfish to not want to share with people who are happy and excited for the arrival of a new baby tho I do see where you are coming from.

SummerFall03

I had people visit me at the hospital and it was overwhelming. I think saying "no visitors at the hospital" is completely selfish but for a great reason! You have a lot to soak in, and it's a very happy/scary/emotional time! Personally, when I was at the hospital, I had a lot of people telling me what to do, and it scared me even more. This time around, we are only having a couple of people visit, but for the most part no one. We are having my in laws visit a few weeks later. I think you should just ask people to make arrangements to visit, and stress you don't want drop ins, especially until you can get yourself in a rhythm.

2-Step

I do think it is pretty odd to ask for a few weeks of solitude and honestly you might find that you actually want some companionship from close friends/family during those first weeks. I can see a few DAYS, but weeks seems excessive. Even just someone to sit with the baby while you take a shower can be a lifesaver and you might find yourself regretting making that decision. You can always say its not a good time if someone wants to come, but if you flat out say no one can come for a few weeks you will be left without the option to take help if you need it. 

What you might do is have a "meet the baby" get together and schedule it for a couple weeks after your due date and let people know that is what you are doing. I have a friend that did this and it greatly cut back on the number of people that felt they needed to drop by before then. That way she had time to get ready, prepare and they just ordered in some food and everyone got to feel like they had a chance to see the baby and no one overstayed their welcome.  

Do you plan to stay completely in the house in seclusion for those weeks? I would be weirded out if I was told not to visit the baby and then I saw you out with the kid at the store or something. Honestly, I think it is good for kids to get used to people, sounds and being transported around as early as possible. Your routine will always involve those things, so total seclusion isn't really going to serve as a typical "routine". 

PrimRoseMama

Hector33 said:

Im a FTM so have no prior experience apart from all the horror stories I have heard! Im wondering if it is selfish to ask for no visitors at the hospital when bubs comes in to this work and for a couple of weeks after we get home? We want to allow for maximum bonding time and so we get into some kind of routine.

NO. You don't get that time back or do-overs. If you want it-- take it & make no apologies.

PrimRoseMama

KittyCat84 said:

Sorry if this hurts your feelings, but you asked for opinions Yes, I think it's selfish. Yours/his parents and siblings are probably looking forward to your child immensely, and not allowing them to see him/her because you want to bond and get into a routine is kind of a lame excuse IMHO. You are still able to bond and stick to a routine whether family stops by or not. If you need privacy for feeding, need to sleep or rest, family member is holding the baby too long, etc. you can always cut the visit short. If you take control of the visitations, you will have no problems bonding with your child and sticking to a routine. It's your right to allow who you want and when you want them to come over. Know when to say no and when to say yes, and you will be fine Know that preventing family from seeing your child for 2 weeks may cause enormous hurt to your family and a rift in your relationships. However, this is your child and you and SO have the right to do what you will. Just some things to take into consideration. 

Are you a first time mom?

I vehemently disagree with everything you've said. After birth you are tired, dirty & leaking. It's NOT SELFISH to want privacy & not entertain visitors. It's just not.

Birth & newborn care is not a spectator sport.

Grace213

Selfish, no. Maybe a little naive but you're a new mama and that's ok! We had only family visit in the hospital and friends while I was on leave from work. (I would try to avoid anyone for the first few days. My milk came in HARD when a friend was visiting and I had to cut her visit short cuz I was in so much pain) but after a bit when you realize you're incredibly sleep deprived you'll rejoice at the offer of someone coming over for an hour or so! I cried every time my parents visited cuz that meant a nap for me!!!

Unknown

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Jessimuca

I'm a little late to this.

Before my (now) 14 month old was born, I was very adamant that I wanted a ton of privacy and didn't want any visitors for a while. Initially my husband and I debated a bit because his family isn't in town. We ultimately reached a compromise that we would go with the flow in terms of visitors and communicate about our needs in the moment but with the strict rule of no overnight guests.

This ended up being the best decision we made. I had no idea how excited I would be to share our baby with the world. I had a really hard time with the baby blues and it was so nice to have people around and lots of support, especially after DH returned to work.

That being said, we have a circle of family and friends who are very considerate and helpful so they never overstayed their welcome and made sure we weren't trying to entertain them. If thugs were different in that regard we would have acted accordingly.

I am really happy that we had to the no overnight guests rule in place because it allowed us time to decompress together and prepare for the late night feeds together. We also really connected as a couple at that time of day and I'm looking forward to that time again with this baby as well as the visits.

Sorry for the novel but my point is that you'll never know how you're going to be feeling until you're actually in the situation and you may surprise yourself. I'd say keep an open mind and communicate a lot with DH and close friends and family before and after the baby comes. You'll know what your family unit (you, DH and baby) needs at that time and then you act accordingly in a respectful way.

Monkeybutt80

I think it's yours and your SO's decision. I think it's only selfish when you start allowing one set of grandparents to visit but not the other. But if you want privacy and want to take time to bond privately, I don't think there is anything selfish about it. 

With that said, like some pps said, you may be surprised at how others' excitement of meeting your baby for the first time can make you happy and excited also.