IUI - fears and struggles

dragonfaerie

My husband and I have been TTC for over two years. We have done all of the diagnostics and will be starting Letrozol this month with IUI. Despite having been told multiple times by our insurance that everything is covered, we just found out today that they cover diagnostics but not treatment. Fortunately, our clinic has good discounts for self-pay patients, but it's still more out of pocket than initially planned. The vacation we had planned on taking may not happen now. Believe me, I am willing to sacrifice for my child, but it is a disappoint and very unexpected. So what was a bit stressful but exciting has now become very stressful.

I'm really struggling with everything that goes along with this. My husband feels extremely emasculated and so I feel like I have to be strong for him while I'm breaking down on the inside. I have wonderful friends but I haven't really been able to rant and cry yet about how unfair this all feels. There is a part of me that wants to yell at my husband for being upset even though I know he has every right to be. I just don't know how to cry with him, I don't know how to be broken at the same time as him. And I feel guilty. Not about having fertility problems, but that I am spending our money on this. Please note: my husband is very supportive and totally okay with whatever we have to do to have a baby, but it doesn't stop the guilt.

How do you deal with it? What resources have helped you?

AMT&THC

I am dealing with something similar to this so I am interested to see what other say. We have been fortunate to have insurance pay for IUI but it hasn't worked so now we are on to IVF which will cost us out of pocket. We have talked ourselves to death about spending the money to have a family and each time it turns in to one of us reassuring the other that this is really what we want to do. Well, mostly him reassuring me (and then I feel guilty that I have made him tell me for the thousandth time that he wants to do this). 

He's pretty stoic about it all which to be honest can get on my nerves. I think it's for the best that we both don't break down at the same time, but geez, a little annoyance or even some anger every now and again would make it seem like he cared a little more. I know he does, of course, but I can't keep the emotions from erupting out of me like Old Faithful in Yellowstone. He is more like a tranquil pound that ripples in the breeze. He struggles with the emasculating thing too. I even feel a little disloyal writing that here because I know it would embarrass him. This whole thing embarrasses him. Talking about it is interesting to say the least. 

I'd say I struggle with forgetting about it long enough to talk about something else. This board has really helped me a lot. I can say stuff here that I am feeling and then I don't have to be as annoying when he gets home. I think if he knew that you guys, he'd buy you all diamond rings because I have been better about not mentioning it every day since I've been on here. 

We still have work to do on funding the IVF and deciding when to do it. We haven't even been to our first appointment, but the talks have begun. I still have this last IUI for August coming up. The guilt is there though about spending the money and taking more time and not being the couple we always have been through this. It takes a toll and if one wants it more than the other I think the guilt makes it worse. 

MKLEWIS2010

I think the thing to remember is we all deal with things differently. These issues can either tear a couple apart or bring them closer together. DH and I spoke about who would know what we are going through and who wouldn't. We also agreed that at any point where one of us feels like we can't keep going we would reassess the situation. I used to feel guilty because I was always crying and emotional. But then I realized that this is normal. When we had our BFN it was even worse because I knew he was disappointed but he didn't react like how I reacted. I think having this forum helps because we understand each other. Things like this happens and is just another mountain to climb just make sure you guys are climbing that mountain together. Work with each other and remember that this isn't something we did to ourselves but something that happened to us and we will all get through it one way or another.

dragonfaerie

Thank you, having a place to vent and talk about all of this is definitely helpful. Gotta keep on keepin on.

ErikaMG

Offering understanding and big hugs. Not much to give in the way of advice, other than what's already been said. May you get your BFP soon, and may this all become a distant memory...

smdrodgers

I think for us there is guilt all the way around. Should we have done things differently? (Got married sooner, etc.) Should we spend money on this? (IUI vs. IVF, different levels of donor sperm, etc.) But we tend to be on a cycle of one of us is stronger than the other at any given point, sometimes we do cry together, sometimes not, but at the end of the day the best way for us to get through this is not to let it completely consume our lives.  We take vacations, but we take smaller trips.  On the days that we really need to talk about what the other person is feeling we do, but it isn't part of every conversation.

The boards are definitely helpful, the women are so supportive even if you are lurking (like I mostly do!).  My RE's clinic also hosts support groups, which I am thinking about attending, since friends/family don't really get it, and it's nice to have a sounding board that isn't your hubby

Best of luck to all of us!

misshopeful1

I feel guilty because I have unexplained infertility. I know it's not my fault but it's my diagnosis keeping us from having kids.
Our second IUI is in a couple days and we have to pay a large copay. But our insurance is great and I'm grateful, fertility treatment is expensive no matter what.
We're not ready for IVF and I don't think we'll pursue. That's scary because I'm 32 and I feel like we're behind and running out of time.

agriffin92013

@misshopeful1  I know what you mean.  My DH numbers are great and I feel bad because I'm the reason he can't have another child.  And having to spend our savings on fertility treatment.  We discussed it and we are not going to pursue IVF either.  It's a lot of money and it would be all out of pocket.  I'm 36 and I told him after this year I think I'm done.  It's been a long and hard 2 1/2 years

misshopeful1

@agriffin92013 I am so afraid we'll have to just stop. I know he hates seeing me so sad and upset. I don't think I will be fully satisfied with life in general if we can't have a baby. That's a big statement I know.

agriffin92013

@misshopeful1  I understand.  I have a stepdaughter and even though I treat her like I would my own child it's still not the same as having my own.  

mclorn

@misshopeful1 just my understanding, but I don't think an unexplained fertility diagnosis means the problem is you... I think it means both of you check out fine, it's just not happening... it could be a lot of different factors... I'd hate for you to feel guilty over your diagnosis (regardless of what it is); unexplained really just means that they do not know why it's not happening..... maybe your RE has explained it differently, but that's my take!  Try and have a good weekend and regain strength.  I know it's so hard........... xoxo

misshopeful1

@mclorn thanks for your kind and gracious words. I think I needed to hear them. It's been a rough couple weeks. I'm hoping the weekend is restorative.

mclorn

@misshopeful1 no use adding blame and guilt to all the other emotions we unfortunately have to face!  Rest and be well. 

riveridgional

@misshopeful1 yes to what @mclorn said. Everytime I get down on myself, DH points out that it still could be him and we are truly in it together with no blame placed on either of us. It's so hard not to internalize unexplained infertility!

pumaprnc7

I'm in a similar situation with you except I have to pay everything out of pocket, insurance will not cover anything. It can be very frustrating and we have decided not to pursue IVF if it comes to that point.

Befree2013

I don't have any answers for you, but you are not alone in your struggles. I got tears reading this, infertility is just not fair