Postpartum Depression
melanier26
member
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venting - long
melanier26
member
Hi everyone, I'm going through a lot and feel bad always dumping it on my husband so I'm here to vent.
My son was born 16 days ago. I had internal and external tears and lost a lot of blood and am now anemic and also have a bruised coccyx, so physically recovery has been tough. We came home when my son was 3 days old and were home for about 15 hours before we had a pediatrician appt and from there were taken by ambulance to the hospital NICU because our son was dehydrated, hypoglycemic and jaundiced. We spent the next 5 nights in the hospital getting things under control. Unfortunately his direct bilirubin level is still elevated and they don't know why. They say it may level out on its own but he is being monitored as an outpatient.
Because of all of this I'm so anxious that he will get dehydrated again. I'm having a little bit of a hard time with breastfeeding (painful latching sometimes) and have seen a breastfeeding consultant a couple of times. When it's painful I spend all the time in between feedings dreading the next time he's hungry. When it's not painful I spend the time in between feedings feeling anxious about making sure he's eating enough. I want to go out to the stores or just...rejoin the real world but I'm too anxious about being out when he needs to eat. I'm not confident enough to feed him in public under a blanket or anything so I just stay in at home.
I'm also experiencing a selfish feeling of not wanting to "share" my baby with anyone other than my husband. In particular my in-laws. He's my first baby and just with everything he has gone through I just hate knowing that when we are around other people, I won't get to hold him.
Sorry this is so long and disjointed. Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read it.
My son was born 16 days ago. I had internal and external tears and lost a lot of blood and am now anemic and also have a bruised coccyx, so physically recovery has been tough. We came home when my son was 3 days old and were home for about 15 hours before we had a pediatrician appt and from there were taken by ambulance to the hospital NICU because our son was dehydrated, hypoglycemic and jaundiced. We spent the next 5 nights in the hospital getting things under control. Unfortunately his direct bilirubin level is still elevated and they don't know why. They say it may level out on its own but he is being monitored as an outpatient.
Because of all of this I'm so anxious that he will get dehydrated again. I'm having a little bit of a hard time with breastfeeding (painful latching sometimes) and have seen a breastfeeding consultant a couple of times. When it's painful I spend all the time in between feedings dreading the next time he's hungry. When it's not painful I spend the time in between feedings feeling anxious about making sure he's eating enough. I want to go out to the stores or just...rejoin the real world but I'm too anxious about being out when he needs to eat. I'm not confident enough to feed him in public under a blanket or anything so I just stay in at home.
I'm also experiencing a selfish feeling of not wanting to "share" my baby with anyone other than my husband. In particular my in-laws. He's my first baby and just with everything he has gone through I just hate knowing that when we are around other people, I won't get to hold him.
Sorry this is so long and disjointed. Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read it.
Re: venting - long
I too worry about not producing enough milk. I started pumping as often as possible and do supplement with formula. Now he only gets one formula bottle a day but at the beginning it was more often for sure. The milk I pump goes in the fridge for DH to use when I leave the house. I'm finding that an hour or so a dag away from baby is making me a better mom overall.
Firstly, stop beating yourself up and be kind to yourself: you are integral to your baby's wellbeing and happiness, so taking care of you is taking care of him.
Do not worry about how your in-laws, or anybody else, feels right now. What's important is you and your baby, and you have overcome a lot. If you don't feel up to visitors, tell your husband you need some respite for a week or two, or have a word and ask him to gently inform people that you are nervous about anyone holding the baby right now. They have years to get to know their grandson! But these first few weeks and preserving your sanity are crucial. If you feel too awkward to tell the truth, wear your son in a wrap and say you don't want to unsettle him, or that the midwife has advised he's not handed around right now. Remember it's about you and your baby, no one else.
Lastly, try not to expect too much of yourself right now. I know you feel an itching to get out and re-join the world, but there is so much time for that, and to adjust to breastfeeding in public, but don't expect it all to come right away. Even without all the complications you've had, you have just carried a tiny human around for nine months and then undergone the physical and mental exhaustion of birth - give yourself a break and focus on the one thing that is most important: feeding your baby.
I bet you're doing a fantastic job and anybody in your position would feel anxious, but keep going a day at a time and keep in touch with your pediatrician or health visitor about your little one's hydration and overall health. I found the first six weeks were just a matter of pulling through! I felt like it was the end of the world when my son had low-blood sugars and was treated for jaundice, I was a sobbing wreck! But he was fine. He's 5 months now and couldn't be any healthier. Lots of babies have health problems at the start, but modern medicine is a miraculous thing and they seem to be overly cautious when it comes to babies!
It does get easier and less frightening, I promise!