Advice please...

Motomama67

okay so... My godson is going to be 2.5 years old this month and is out of control. His mother is my bf and has been for 15 years, we are very close. His mother has crohns and is very sick from time to time and will have hospital stays for up to two weeks. And her son stays with us while she's in the hospital.

Can I first start with the child's sleep schedule...! He will nap at around 7:45PM-9pm and then go to sleep for the night anywhere from 1am-2am ... Wtf right...??? Then he will sleep until 4am, wake up and watch more TV.. Then back to sleep around 7am until 11am or noon. I have tried to explain to her what she is doing is not good for him to be so out of whack and especially if he needs to come stay with me. My DS(5) goes to sleep at 8 maybe 8:30 . And we're in bed shortly after him.
Then there is his diet... Went to her house the other afternoon and he was just waking up for the day (12:30) and woke up in a screaming fit. She gave him 3 packs of fruit snacks and 2 cookies and chocolate milk for "breakfast" the kid eats nothing but junk food. Obesity runs in his family and his dr has already been concerned about his weight.. Ha but shoot what do Drs know... -_- and it doesn't help when allllll he does is watch tv. Literally..

She never takes him to socialize with other children. No parks or any sort of playtime with children. And because of that he has terrible play ethics. When we visit my DS is miserable bc of how bad he throws fits about sharing etc. on top of it he has a 2 word vocabulary. Yes, I know every child learns at his own pace but he's not getting taught. The only two words he says is "no" and "on" and will just point to what he wants and then throw a drag out fit if you don't get him what he wants when he wants it.

He also shows many signs of autism. I have tried to point it out and I've tried to get her to take him to early intervention speech therapy and she thinks I'm just being a worry wart. HELP ME! How do i tell her she needs to get her shit together!?!
P.s. Sorry for the rant. Just so frustrating and had to get it off of my chest and I know I'll get good advice here..

VexedMommy

Is your friend a single mother or is there a father involved in raising this child also?  If there is, maybe you could have a heart to heart with the father since you're getting nowhere with the child's mother. 

Motomama67

Yes the father is involved! He's usually pretty strict. I don't understand how someone could be so oblivious to such a wacked out situation?!! Ahhh

Bettytteb

I think your best route is to approach the situation in terms of your concern and your feelings about what you are observing, (without being accusatory as this will promote defensiveness), expressing how much you care about your friend and the child. If she and the father disregard your concerns, there is really nothing more you can do. How they raise their child is unfortunately not in your control, and you might just need to find ways to cope with your frustration about it. Unless of course their behavior rises to the level of abuse/neglect...then you should definitely call child protective services (which you can do anonymously).  

CarrieOct15

I really see where you are coming from, and I would be concerned as well. HOWEVER.. I think you need to keep in mind that there's only so much you can do to get the mother to change her behavior. It would be one thing if she was abusing or neglecting him, but what it really sounds like is she makes different parenting choices than you. If he really does have behavioral or speech issues, or possibly even Autism, then those things will surface once he is in school, no matter how much his mother ignores it. 

Also, could there be other things going on with the mother that is taking her attention away from her son? Maybe she is struggling with depression or something else is going on. Try approaching her as her best friend, instead of her son's godmother, and see if she will open up to you. Instead of saying "I'm concerned about your son," maybe try "I'm concerned about you."

VexedMommy

Motomama67 said:

Yes the father is involved! He's usually pretty strict. I don't understand how someone could be so oblivious to such a wacked out situation?!! Ahhh

In that case I would definitely bring it up to him.  If he hasn't been around small children before he may assume that this is just normal toddler behavior.  Doesn't Crohns disease require a certain diet to stay healthy?  If so, is she following it for herself?  She may be justifying her dietary cheating by saying the junk food is the only thing her son wants to eat. 

Gapeach83

We have already been taking steps with DD2 on speech. She only says 3-5 words. She is 19 months we recently got tubes in her ears because fluid build up was causing her to not understand the words. It was like she was hearing you talk underwater. She points but we always say what she is pointing to. This is to encourage her to talk. At 2 if her speech hasn't improved she will go to speech therapy. It breaks my heart but I want to do what's best. At 3 years old schools here put you in a program if you have speech, behavior or other issues in a program called babies can't wait. She can look into that it's a half day program. It would be good for her and him to get on a schedule and going to school and programs will help that. No parent wants to hear their kids are behind. Some parents refuse to believe it. I hate that DD2 doesn't talk but it's our reality and we got to do everything we can to help her ignoring it only makes it worse.

Motomama67

VexedMommy said:

Motomama67 said:

Yes the father is involved! He's usually pretty strict. I don't understand how someone could be so oblivious to such a wacked out situation?!! Ahhh

In that case I would definitely bring it up to him.  If he hasn't been around small children before he may assume that this is just normal toddler behavior.  Doesn't Crohns disease require a certain diet to stay healthy?  If so, is she following it for herself?  She may be justifying her dietary cheating by saying the junk food is the only thing her son wants to eat. 


Yes! And she has had bad flare ups to the point of having blood transfusions. She absolutely does not follow a diet but she doesn't work or do anything for that matter so she eats as she pleases bc the bathroom is just right there always. It's a shame really and her dr wants to give her surgery but if she gets the surgery she's afraid she will get taken off disability... It's pathetic really

Motomama67

See I knew I would get good advice!

Motomama67

@Gapeach83 that's a really really good point I never thought about that and good for you taking the steps you need to for your child. Good mama

Motomama67

@CarrieOct15 you are exactly right and really it isn't my business its Just so frustrating and I feel so bad for the life he's getting set up for him

CarrieOct15

Motomama67 said:

@CarrieOct15 you are exactly right and really it isn't my business its Just so frustrating and I feel so bad for the life he's getting set up for him

I understand. A close friend of mine has a son with Autism, and sometimes I can't stand the way she handles him. I feel like she could be more sensitive to his unique needs, but she just insists on treating him like he doesn't have Autism. When he gets overloaded and freaks out, she just treats him like he's being a bratty child. Frustrates me to no end, but I have to step back and let it go. 

apritch88

You're getting lots of good advice. 

My husband has Crohn's and it has been a real struggle at times. When people with Crohn's are in a flare, the crappiest food for most people is sometimes the best for them because their digestive tract is so worn out and ulcerated that being able to easily digest something that provides a high calorie count is the only way they feel almost human. We have a friend with really bad Crohn's disease who lives on McDonald's while he is in a flare in order to avoid losing too much weight and feeling even weaker and crappier.

Also, if she is at the point of getting blood transfusions that means that's she's highly anemic from losing so much blood. Anemia causes lethargy and fatigue. Maybe she's given up on the hard parts of parenting like proper nutrition and sleep because she's just too exhausted. Depression is also VERY common in Crohn's patients. 

As a side note- there is no diet that is associated with helping Crohn's patients. Every patient is different and has different foods that trigger their symptoms (or sometimes it's not food related at all), and sometimes even if they follow their diet to a "T" they flare anyways. It can make the person feel helpless and completely out of control. Additionally, the process of identifying food triggers is extensive and not widely supported in the medical community. It is important to know that almost half of Crohn's patients have IBD as well, which is highly affected by diet. Identifying these two separate diseases made all the difference for my DH. He now uses diet to control his IBD and medication to control his Crohn's.

It's a really complicated disease. I hope your friend has good doctors.

Not trying to make excuses for her, just saying, that there could be medical reasons why she is making the parenting choices she is making. 

Motomama67

@CarrieOct15 sounds like your in a similar situation. I tried to explain to her that a child being autistic is about the way the brain is wired and the sooner the child receives help the raider and better it is for them. It's sad seeing children neglected of the care and tools they need to set them up for the best life possible.