Moms with sons

SummerOH

So there's a saying that your son is your son til he gets a wife, your daughter is your daughter for life. Do you agree in your observations? Is this something you ever think about? I know it's crazy to think about now, just curious because my sister and I were debating it last night (she has 2 boys, no girls). My MIL has 3 boys and adopted a girl. I dearly love her and am probably closer to her than my mom, who is a bit crazy, so I think it's not true, but my sister thinks it is. Thoughts?

mommaSimpkin

Definitely not.. In my opinion.
DH is a complete mommas boy. Before and after we got married. MIL says "jump", he says "how high".
He's even super close to my mom. He's wrapped around her finger too.

My DS is a huge mommas boy. It's like he sees me as his best friend. I don't think that's ever gonna change.

aphilli8

It's true from what I've seen of my brother and cousins. I'm irrationally nervous about being a mother in law to somebody who thinks my sons are "too attached" to me. Totally wished these twins made three girls total lol.

g8trkim

Lurker here

In the case of DH and I, this seems to be true. But I attribute that more to our mom's personalities. It's definitely not a hard, fast rule.

UptownPearl

My DH's parents made him choose between me and them, so in our case it's true, but his mom is a control freak. All my brothers adore my mom and that will never change! Just don't be a controlling mom. When he gets married accept his wife as your own daughter.

Emott13

I think it's completely in how you approach the subject. You can play "MIL" or you can jump right into being "mom" to your DIL. In the case of Me and DH he actually has a better relationship with his mother since getting married, and I love her dearly. My parents were not so accommodating to my brother's new wife and it has pushed him away. Obviously it depends on the woman he marries, too, but I think if they're raised with a good relationship with you, they'll want a woman who has a good relationship with you, too.

JandJ62914

My MIL loves to quote this and she's made me feel like she blames me because DH hardly calls her. His sister calls their mom every day, but he chooses to call once a week to check in since going away to college 12 years ago. It has nothing to with being married to me! She is over bearing and doesn't respect boundaries so this is a choice he's made. I actually encourage him to call more frequently.

She also constantly says, "When a daughter gets married you gain a son, when a son gets married you lose a son." This bugs me because it makes me feel like in her mind she gained my SIL's husband, but not me! I've said something and so has DH, but she still says it.

I think it depends on the people involved in each case... If the son stops calling because the wife forces him to always choose her family instead it's one thing. But if it's been that way since before the marriage then I think it's an unfair statement!

Ju111310

It's an irrational fear of mine. I have one son, and if this LO is a boy I worry that I'll be more alone as an adult then if I had a daughter. I tell my H that we might need 3, because I think I'd be a better MIL if I had three boys vs two. If there were three DILs, maybe I wouldn't annoy them as much lol

I know deep down that it just depends on what sort of relationship you have with your children and their spouses. My MIL has two sons and the other one lives 8 hours away, so she is super overbearing and always barging in our house and overstepping boundaries. In the past, we had a decent relationship but she has never been close to my H. However, she really caused the mama bear in me to come out when I had DS and now I can hardly stand to be in the same room with her.

mollyj931

It's kinda true in our family. We are much closer to my family than DH's but that has a lot to do with location.
I'm much, much closer with my mom than my MIL.

MrsTeacher25

My MIL has two boys. Both are very close to her. I'm also very close to her so that might make a difference. I have a DS (we haven't found out the sdx of this baby yet) so I surely hope it'snot true for us! I think it has more to do with family dynamics and personality. I hope...

aphilli8

I think the biggest factor is the woman (or man) that they choose to marry.

EtA: this obviously goes both ways, but I think it's more prevalent with sons. Hence the saying. For example, the previous poster who went "mama bear" on her mil and can't stand to be in the room with her. Grandparents overstep boundaries. That's what old people do. I think women are a little more forgiving when that happens with their moms then when it happens with their MIL.

bella2210

My SO and I don't speak to his mother but that's because she grossly overstepped our boundaries when I announced the pregnancy. It looks as though I'm having a son(confirmation in a week and a half) so this topic is definitely on my mind. It really depends on the parent, I think. My Mom got on board and began being helpful/supportive despite her own concerns. That is the mother I will strive to be and hopefully I will have a different experience with my son than she has had with hers.

willashbaby

DH's Mom is very unbalanced. She is legitimately bipolar but abuses meds and is not someone either of us want in our lives. I would say that DH chose "us" vs. "me" over her. He wanted to have a life he was happy with, that involved mostly shutting her out. It is what it is. She knows not to battle with me though, she will not win.

danasphillips

Not true in my family. And DS is also a mama's boy.

mollyj931

aphilli8 said:

I think the biggest factor is the woman (or man) that they choose to marry.

EtA: this obviously goes both ways, but I think it's more prevalent with sons. Hence the saying. For example, the previous poster who went "mama bear" on her mil and can't stand to be in the room with her. Grandparents overstep boundaries. That's what old people do. I think women are a little more forgiving when that happens with their moms then when it happens with their MIL.

Totally agree with this. I'm much more likely to tell my mom if she pisses me off or how I want things with the kids than my MIL.

LauraFi

I think it varies so much person to person with how the relationship evolves between parent and child as the child grows up. So no, I don't think the saying is true. My MIL only has one child still living in the same area as her and that is her daughter, they are quite close, but both her sons moved away for work. I think my MIL feels like she gained a daughter when I married my DH, we don't see each other that often due to living far apart but we as a couple try to Skype/FaceTime regularly (which I initiated and got them using Video chats because that's how I keep in contact with my family too, rather than just the phone). And my parents love my husband and don't feel like they lost a daughter. With my parents I could see my Nana saying that she lost a son because my dad even after my parents were married was still going to their house to mow the lawn and do a bunch of stuff for them but that pretty much stopped after my parents had kids, and my Nana likes to blame my Mom for everything. So it is more with what the parents expect from the kids. As you grow up, become independent, and life changes you don't have as much time to spend with your parents. I wonder if Dads have a similar type of saying?

thereisalight

It's true in my family. My brother just informed my mom he can no longer see her because my SIL has issues with her. My SIL is extremely dramatic though, and has issues with me as well. I've done a lot of soul searching to figure out what it could be that I have done wrong but I've had to conclude that she has issues and is prone to drama. My mom and I are both very warm, friendly, and welcoming.

As far as my husband goes though, we are very close to his family. I see them more often than my own and absolutely love my mother in law.

So I guess I'm just really hoping my son/ sons? don't marry crazy...ha!

Karenin

In many relationships I have seen it's true, BUT I think that that is also because the women in those marriages tend to be more the ones running the social aspects of things- planning holidays, planning get togethers, etc. When that's the case, I think if you're closer to your family you will tend to gravitate towards them more, and if your DH is more laid back, unless you're excluding his family completely he's not going to care much. I also see a lot of wives and MILs have almost a power struggle tension that husbands and FILs don't seem to have, which can distance you. Recently my mom's best friend's son had a baby, and she and her DIL have never fought but definitely are not close, and the baby was in the NICU and when my mom's friend visited, she was never allowed to hold the baby. This woman is such a sweetheart too, but even if she wasn't, I feel like the DIL doing that was really low. Both of my kids were in the NICU and while I wanted to be with them exclusively, I made sure ALL the grandparents got a lot of time with them too.

I am definitely closer to my parents than DH's, but his family is great and my MIL has only ever been inclusive so I don't have that problem. I have a son and I am already conscious of not creating a rough situation with whomever he marries when he grows up b/c that scares me.

SummerOH

Sooo I just noticed I posted this as a question. Damn fat fingers while mobile! Hope that doesn't mess anything up...