November 2015 Moms

MIL not doing well.. feeling anxious and worried, and need advice

abateman3589abateman3589 member
edited August 2015 in November 2015 Moms

I like reading all of the happy posts on here so I'm sorry to bring some sad news to the community, I just really need some advice from fellow pregnant ladies.

My MIL lives in England (we're in the U.S.) and has been sick with a variety of respiratory issues since I first started dating my husband about six years ago. I should also note that she is only in her mid-50's but has not stopped smoking cigarettes even though she has to have supplemental oxygen support (she smoked 3 cigarettes in a row before she went to the hospital the last time) so she doesn't seem to want to help herself. From my perspective (and I know this is harsh), she is not a happy person and wants everyone to feel pain around her so she does a lot of this for attention. Thankfully his sister lives close to his mom and his cousin lives with her and have been taking care of everything. For the past 2 years, my husband's sister will contact him and say they think his mom is about to pass away from something (pneumonia, we were told cancer at one point which we found out later she was misdiagnosed, etc.). At first my husband would be really upset when he heard the news but as time has gone on he has become numb to it and has told me honestly a few times he wished the waiting was over and she wasn't in pain any longer

His sister messaged him a few days ago saying that his mom is really sick again and that they think she only has a few months to live. He pretended to be okay with it, but I could tell he thinks this is it too and is taking it hard. I am so worried about the timing of her passing as it will be either right before or right after our baby is born. We spoke a little bit about our plan if she does pass, and at first he told me that the baby is number one priority so he wouldn't go over if it was so close to the baby's due date or if our baby was already here. I thought it may be nice for him to see her now but he said he doesn't want to see her in her current state, so I haven't tried to push it. The next day he told me that he decided he needs to go over for the funeral and to help his sister with her affairs. He said it would only be for 3-4 days but it's so far away from where we live. I completely understand that it's his mom and he needs to be there for his family, but  I don't want him to miss the birth and I don't think I can make it without him if it's 1-2 weeks after baby gets here. I sound so selfish but I am pretty emotional about the situation and really wanted this to be a happy time in both of our lives (it's our first). I don't think it's right to tell him how I feel and I want to be there for him, but I really don't know how to handle the situation. I'm trying not to stress out about it because I'm not really sure anything will happen and I don't want stress to affect the baby. After our last conversation he hasn't brought it back up. Has anyone been in a similar situation before and/or have any advice for how I should be handling this?

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to put some color to the situation. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Re: MIL not doing well.. feeling anxious and worried, and need advice

  • No advice or guidance but I am praying for you MIL and your family..
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  • Thanks for the perspective ladies. It's honestly too expensive for us both to go, but I agree I think he should try and see her soon. He is really against that idea and doesn't want to see her in her fragile state so he is definitely going to wait until she passes. I don't think that's a great idea but I do want him to be OK with his decision and don't want to argue with him about it. Again, I know it sounds selfish, I have just been dealing with a lot of pregnancy scares and some depression and I feel like an emotional wreck already. I would certainly want to be with my family during this time and feel so bad that I can't really see straight right now. Anyways, I appreciate the advice and the kind words. I wouldnt want to put anyone in this situation but it makes me feel better I'm not alone.
  • Also, thoughts and prayers to you and your family @JamieA322
  • Good thoughts and prayers for you and yours
  • @abateman3589 Thank you. And remember that you're never alone in any situation. We are only given what we can handle.
  • Do you have close family or friends that can come help you in the event he had to leave shortly before or after the birth.
    I would follow his lead,if he feels he needs to go to the funeral and help his sister, I would be as supportive as possible. Obviously he doesn't want to miss the birth or the first couple weeks with your LO, so it is no doubt a very difficult decision for him. Hopefully it will not come to that.
  • Echoing PP's.. Is there anyone who can be 'on call' to come stay with you in case he needs to leave at an inconvenient time? Sorry you are going through this - thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
    Me: 28, DH: 40
    Married 9/28/13
    DS born 11/12/15
    EDD 8/13/18
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