Infertility

Advice needed

So not sure how to handle this situation but I"m reaching my breaking point and need some advice. I"m going to try to keep this short but want to give you as much background info. I have a friend who only lives about a mile from me. In May 2014, she was passing by my house, walking actually with her family (husband and one kid), and saw me outside of my house in tears. I was on the phone with the nurse because I was going through a miscarriage. She stopped over and asked what's wrong. I was so distressed that I told her. In Feb 2014, she miscarried as well and told me about it when it happened. So since then, she has been on this journey with me while TTC since the miscarriage. She has been TTC also and had three IUIs and got pregnant. She is now about 12 weeks. Just so you know she is the most caring, genuine, kindest person you will ever meet and has a huge heart.  I know that she is also bored as hell since she is a stay at home with one kid and a full time nanny. So since I started seeing a fertility specialist in July, she has been all over me. I mean I get a text almost daily "How did the blood test go?" Ummmm, I don't know, it was just a blood test. "How do you feel?" "when's your next appointment?" etc. Honestly, I am worried and obsessing now over this TWW that the last thing I need is someone texting me constantly asking about my every move. I mean she will ask me on a monday, for example, when my next blood test/US is and I tell her friday at 9am. No joke, Friday at 9:05am I get a text "How did it go?" Most of the time, I don't even have a chance to talk to my husband first about test results or whatever because she's all over it. She has also offered to take me for my HSG. So, she is a great friend, but it's just getting to be too much. Of course, I can say "Do you mind just not bringing it up all the time? I promise I will tell you things when I'm ready." But I feel like that could cause some tension. I mean should I ignore the texts? What do I do? Throughout the text conversations, I have even changed the subject but that tactic has not worked. sigh.

Re: Advice needed

  • It sounds like your friend is trying to be very supportive and to make sure you know she is there for you. So, I think she will completely understand if you are honest with her. I'm sure if she knew she was adding pressure on you or making the process more stressful, she would stop immediately and apologize. when you talk to her, I would just start off with and stress to her that you really appreciate her thinking of you and wanting to be there with you. Tell her how great it feels to know she is there if you need to talk about anything, however, [how you feel]. I would also be straight out and say you were worried telling her this may cause tension between you two and that is the last thing you want.

    You don't want what your feeling to grow so you start distancing yourself from a friend who can actually understand what you are going through. I think she will completely understand and appreciate you telling her. I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is contribute any stress over a process she personally knows is stressful.
    Married to DH 10/6/12
    TTC since 5/14
    Unexplained with (controlled) hypothyroidism and suspected ovulatory dysfunction (but, I do ovulate on my own)
    Clomid 50 mg 3/15 (unmonitored) - BFN
    Clomid 50 mg + metformin 4/15 (unmonitored) - BFN 
    First RE appt. 5/15; Natural cycle 5/15 monitored with 2 mature follicles and Pregnyl Trigger (full dose) + prometrium - BFN
    6/15 HSG - clear tubes & normal uterus; great PCT test results
    TI - 100 mg Clomid + prometrium (AM & PM) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 6-7/15 (monitored) --> no additional response and thinned lining - BFN
    TI - Injectables (follistim + Gonal-F, Ganirelix, & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 9/15 --> 3-7 mature follicles (3 definites and 4+ that could have matured due to trigger) @ O -->BFN + 5 large cysts
    BC for 2 weeks due to cysts
    TI - Injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & full dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 10/15 --> 1 mature follicle --> BFN 
    TI - Last attempt at injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + crinone (AM only) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 11/15 --> 3-4 mature follicles --> BFP!! 11/27/15 @ 13dpo (shockingly, actually waited until then to test)

    Beta #1 @ 16dpo (11/30/15) = 1,075
    Beta #2 @ 19dpo (12/3/15) = 3,150
    One baby: Saw heartbeat @ 5w5d (114 bpm; baby measuring 2.3mm)

    "Great Things are Happening"
  • Thank you. Exactly it's great to actually have a friend that does understand and I appreciate having someone that I can talk to about this. But I want to talk about on my own time and be the one that brings it up. Or even if she brought it up like once a month it would be ok.
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  • I completely understand, and I'm sure she will too! Good luck with your talk!

    I actually have the complete opposite problem. I have a friend I tried to open to about it. I was telling her about my first RE appointment and she shut me down and told me she was grossed out. I literally only told her I was excited everything went well on that appointment and I was excited I had 2 mature follicles. I completely can't understand how that is gross. Anyway, I've kinda shut her out completely, which is the last thing I want to do, but I can't stop thinking about it without feeling angry and hurt. I know I need to talk to her about it but I don't see it really changing anything. I'll still feel like I can't even talk to my "best friend" about one of the most important and stressful parts of my life! Grr..oh well! That's why we have these boards, right?
    Married to DH 10/6/12
    TTC since 5/14
    Unexplained with (controlled) hypothyroidism and suspected ovulatory dysfunction (but, I do ovulate on my own)
    Clomid 50 mg 3/15 (unmonitored) - BFN
    Clomid 50 mg + metformin 4/15 (unmonitored) - BFN 
    First RE appt. 5/15; Natural cycle 5/15 monitored with 2 mature follicles and Pregnyl Trigger (full dose) + prometrium - BFN
    6/15 HSG - clear tubes & normal uterus; great PCT test results
    TI - 100 mg Clomid + prometrium (AM & PM) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 6-7/15 (monitored) --> no additional response and thinned lining - BFN
    TI - Injectables (follistim + Gonal-F, Ganirelix, & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 9/15 --> 3-7 mature follicles (3 definites and 4+ that could have matured due to trigger) @ O -->BFN + 5 large cysts
    BC for 2 weeks due to cysts
    TI - Injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & full dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 10/15 --> 1 mature follicle --> BFN 
    TI - Last attempt at injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + crinone (AM only) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 11/15 --> 3-4 mature follicles --> BFP!! 11/27/15 @ 13dpo (shockingly, actually waited until then to test)

    Beta #1 @ 16dpo (11/30/15) = 1,075
    Beta #2 @ 19dpo (12/3/15) = 3,150
    One baby: Saw heartbeat @ 5w5d (114 bpm; baby measuring 2.3mm)

    "Great Things are Happening"
  • I agree with @riveridgional. That is great advice I couldn't have said it any better. It's hard when you can't talk to the closest people in your lives. I kind of backed off from telling my sisters whom I am very close to about the second round because it was so painful to talk about and they understand. I haven't told them the good news yet and it's killing me but I plan on telling them as soon as all my bloodwork comes back well this week.

    @riveridgional maybe you should talk to your friend and ask her if there is a specific reason she doesn't want to talk about it? Tell her how you feel. Not everyone will understand thank God for these boards but it's really nice when family and friends understand. Hopefully both of your friends will be more in tune with what you need from them
    Me - 32 
    Husband - 32
    TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
    IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
    FET 7/2015 - BFP


      Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thanks. Do you think your friend may be dealing with fertility issues too or no?
  • @Drove2u No, she isn't even dating anyone at the moment.

    @MKLEWIS2010 I'll take your advice when I talk to her. That's a good question to ask.
    Married to DH 10/6/12
    TTC since 5/14
    Unexplained with (controlled) hypothyroidism and suspected ovulatory dysfunction (but, I do ovulate on my own)
    Clomid 50 mg 3/15 (unmonitored) - BFN
    Clomid 50 mg + metformin 4/15 (unmonitored) - BFN 
    First RE appt. 5/15; Natural cycle 5/15 monitored with 2 mature follicles and Pregnyl Trigger (full dose) + prometrium - BFN
    6/15 HSG - clear tubes & normal uterus; great PCT test results
    TI - 100 mg Clomid + prometrium (AM & PM) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 6-7/15 (monitored) --> no additional response and thinned lining - BFN
    TI - Injectables (follistim + Gonal-F, Ganirelix, & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 9/15 --> 3-7 mature follicles (3 definites and 4+ that could have matured due to trigger) @ O -->BFN + 5 large cysts
    BC for 2 weeks due to cysts
    TI - Injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & full dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 10/15 --> 1 mature follicle --> BFN 
    TI - Last attempt at injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + crinone (AM only) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 11/15 --> 3-4 mature follicles --> BFP!! 11/27/15 @ 13dpo (shockingly, actually waited until then to test)

    Beta #1 @ 16dpo (11/30/15) = 1,075
    Beta #2 @ 19dpo (12/3/15) = 3,150
    One baby: Saw heartbeat @ 5w5d (114 bpm; baby measuring 2.3mm)

    "Great Things are Happening"
  • Do you think she may be jealous? If she's your best friend I find her reaction interesting. There must be something else going on with her. Do you guys talk about sex or periods or anything like that or does that gross her out too?
  • I have had the opposite problem. Really haven't had anyone to talk to and my DH works long hours so he never goes to appts with me. My sister doesn't seem to care and my sister in law definitely doesn't care. She usually wants to go to happy hour and talk about her problems.

    Married: 8/29/2009
    TTC- since we got married (off and on)
    TTC with focus: Since July 2015
    Currently had 2 rounds of failed IUIs, failed TI monitored cycle
    December 2015: Starting 1st IVF cycle
    January 2016: Retrieval
    March 2016: Pending Transfer (I have 3 PGS tested embryos waiting for a womb)
    April 2016: BFP, the old fashioned way.

  • Well it's good you have all of us then. :-)
  • @Drove2u stick to "the truth will set you free". 9 times out of 10 being honest and telling the truth will solve it.

    Married: 8/29/2009
    TTC- since we got married (off and on)
    TTC with focus: Since July 2015
    Currently had 2 rounds of failed IUIs, failed TI monitored cycle
    December 2015: Starting 1st IVF cycle
    January 2016: Retrieval
    March 2016: Pending Transfer (I have 3 PGS tested embryos waiting for a womb)
    April 2016: BFP, the old fashioned way.

  • @Drove2u I have never talked about periods, sex or anything like that with her. I'm usually a pretty private person. I literally just told her we had been having trouble, went to our first appointment, and I was excited because everything seemed okay so far and i even had 2 mature follicles on a natural cycle (RE thought it could have been related to Clomid use on the prior cycle through my OBGYN). Maybe she is jealous since she isn't dating anyone and I guess now I'm moving on to a different level of my life. I'm not sure. I think she's a but immature (seems to LOVE drama) and I have the same experience with her as @babyexpress seems to have. It's been a pretty one-sided friendship where we just talk about everything in her life. My frustration at this one-sidedness is part of why I haven't said anything to her yet. I get angry when I think about it, and I'm worried I'll say something that will just lead to a fight. But, honestly, I haven't spoken to her much in the last few months because of it, so I guess I just need to have the talk anyway. It's obviously affecting the friendship by not bringing it up, so I guess it really can't hurt. I was thinking I would just get over it, but it's hard especially when I really could have used someone to talk to this last cycle.
    Married to DH 10/6/12
    TTC since 5/14
    Unexplained with (controlled) hypothyroidism and suspected ovulatory dysfunction (but, I do ovulate on my own)
    Clomid 50 mg 3/15 (unmonitored) - BFN
    Clomid 50 mg + metformin 4/15 (unmonitored) - BFN 
    First RE appt. 5/15; Natural cycle 5/15 monitored with 2 mature follicles and Pregnyl Trigger (full dose) + prometrium - BFN
    6/15 HSG - clear tubes & normal uterus; great PCT test results
    TI - 100 mg Clomid + prometrium (AM & PM) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 6-7/15 (monitored) --> no additional response and thinned lining - BFN
    TI - Injectables (follistim + Gonal-F, Ganirelix, & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 9/15 --> 3-7 mature follicles (3 definites and 4+ that could have matured due to trigger) @ O -->BFN + 5 large cysts
    BC for 2 weeks due to cysts
    TI - Injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & full dose Pregnyl) + prometrium (AM & PM) 10/15 --> 1 mature follicle --> BFN 
    TI - Last attempt at injectables (Gonal-F, Ganirelix & 1/2 dose Pregnyl) + crinone (AM only) + vaginal estrace (AM & PM) 11/15 --> 3-4 mature follicles --> BFP!! 11/27/15 @ 13dpo (shockingly, actually waited until then to test)

    Beta #1 @ 16dpo (11/30/15) = 1,075
    Beta #2 @ 19dpo (12/3/15) = 3,150
    One baby: Saw heartbeat @ 5w5d (114 bpm; baby measuring 2.3mm)

    "Great Things are Happening"
  • @babyexpress and @riveridgional not all of our friends will remain so through our life some people only come into your life for a season or forever. Relationships should never be one sided. It seems that these "friends" might have some jealousy towards where your life is and some people really only like when everything is about them. When going through infertility issues you already feel alone so having "friends" who are not really there for you makes it worse. A true friend in my opinion would listen to your concerns so when you are upfront about how you feel I hope they take it into consideration and try to be more supportive. Good luck and if it doesn't work out I always say you find out who your true friends are in your time of need.
    Me - 32 
    Husband - 32
    TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
    IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
    FET 7/2015 - BFP


      Pregnancy Ticker
  • @babyexpress I have the same problem. My sister was my best friend before all this and now we never talk. When I was trying to talk to her about my tubes being completely blocked she said "well the sperm will find a way." I couldn't believe it, like really? What route will they take? Lol
  • babyexpressbabyexpress member
    edited August 2015
    @beckihall Lol, yah that wasn't a very helpful comment. My sister has said "your going to end up with multiples, aren't you worried?" That's not helpful and I can't worry about that. She gets pregnant very easily, so she doesn't get it. My sister in law has aborted children, so we know she won't have any fertility issues. I don't have a single friend that has had fertility issues. They get married and BAM pregnant. Then BAM pregnant with baby #2 1 1/2 yrs later.

    My realtor is the only person I know and she did everything. Clomid, IUI, IVF - nothing worked. She ended up adopting 2 kids.

    So you could say I really enjoy this forum :)

    Married: 8/29/2009
    TTC- since we got married (off and on)
    TTC with focus: Since July 2015
    Currently had 2 rounds of failed IUIs, failed TI monitored cycle
    December 2015: Starting 1st IVF cycle
    January 2016: Retrieval
    March 2016: Pending Transfer (I have 3 PGS tested embryos waiting for a womb)
    April 2016: BFP, the old fashioned way.

  • My little sister (who also had endo and was told many years ago it would be difficult for her to get pregnant) got pregnant her very first month of trying, just before we started our first femara cycle. She was asking questions, and eventually said 'well if it doesn't work, at least you'll be an auntie'. Because being an auntie (of a kid I live 6 hrs away from) really makes up for everything.

    I've been talking with my husband about this group and how great it is, and he seemed a little envious. He's been lucky though to have one male colleague go through the same thing, so at least he's got him to talk to.
  • jdl330jdl330 member
    edited August 2015
    I'm sorry you're going through this with your friend. I agree that the best thing to do is be open and honest, but I can't say I would have the courage to do that myself. I hate confrontation, so I think I would just stop answering the texts right away and maybe fill her in every so often. I know that this is "running away from the problem" but we have too many things to think about without one more stressful thing in our lives!
  • Exactly. No joke I just got a text from her "how are you feeling?" I mean I just had the IUI done on Wednesday. I'm not feeling anything yet. I haven't responded but thinking about saying "I've actually been really busy so haven't thought about it until now. Lol" what do you think? Maybe she will get the hint?
  • @Drove2u Just write back "trying not to think about it" if she doesn't get the hint to leave you alone about this subject than ignore her moving forward. At least on future texts regarding this process

    Married: 8/29/2009
    TTC- since we got married (off and on)
    TTC with focus: Since July 2015
    Currently had 2 rounds of failed IUIs, failed TI monitored cycle
    December 2015: Starting 1st IVF cycle
    January 2016: Retrieval
    March 2016: Pending Transfer (I have 3 PGS tested embryos waiting for a womb)
    April 2016: BFP, the old fashioned way.

  • She wrote back "oh sorry I reminded you. Oops"
  • I'm a little late to the party here but, I am like @jlynn330...I'd probably try to avoid the texts or do exactly what you did by texting you were trying not to think about it and hope she'd get the hint. I have no one to talk to about this besides you guys and my DH! That poor guy has been through the ringer this past weekend with our BFN! I love my friends and love my sister but my sister has 2 kids and just can't quit looking at me like she feels sorry for me and the few friends that I have told have reacted with anything from "you should leave it up to God and not mess with nature" to several stories about how they know people who know people who thought it would never happen, went through everything I'm going through and then it finally did. I love a good success story, don't get my wrong, but it so many times comes out like I should just stop worrying and move on. 
  • @amt&thc I am so sorry for the BFN.  I know how painful it is.  Its so hard to go through this alone, and the crazy thing is 1 in 6 couples face infertility.  I really hope things works out for you soon.  This community is amazing because we understand each other, where others dont even though they might mean well.  
    Me - 32 
    Husband - 32
    TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
    IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
    FET 7/2015 - BFP


      Pregnancy Ticker
  • @MKLEWIS2010 Thank you. It is hard to do this alone. I feel a lot better reading other people's success stories (like yours - I am truly happy for you) and about the struggles. So many of the struggles are the same and it's just nice not to feel like I have a dark secret no one knows about all the time. It feels dishonest to go around telling people I am feeling great and really enjoying my summer when I just got a BFN. I feel like it gets harder each time we start again to put on that smile. I'll feel much better in a couple of days and after the IUI I'll be so excited during the 2ww. Some of it is just the drugs that make me emotional, I know that! Thanks for listening :-) See this is what I am trying to say....hahaha...You read this, you understand. That's nice. 
  • MKLEWIS2010MKLEWIS2010 member
    edited August 2015
    I sure do because that is exactly how I felt! And even know I told my nurse this morning i live one blood test at a time because I am so fearful of something going wrong. It's so hard to keep the faith that it will happen and even harder when you can only talk to your spouse or even if you have a friend they can't understand sometimes you don't even know how your feeling there isn't a word yet created to describe it. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully the next round is a BFP.
    Forgot to tag you @AMT&THC
    Me - 32 
    Husband - 32
    TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
    IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
    FET 7/2015 - BFP


      Pregnancy Ticker
  • @AMT&THC I feel the same way about people who tell me to "leave it up to God" or "just relax and don't think about it and it will happen."  I want to yell at them and say, "relaxing isn't going to make my hormone issues go away!!" I'm sorry about your BFN. When will you be getting your IUI this time around? I know I probably read it on the August IUI board, but it's hard to remember after reading so many posts every day.
  • @MKLEWIS2010 Thank you for the luck! I wish the same good luck for you. I can only imagine that it must be surreal after waiting for so long. 

    @jlynn330 I will go in for my IUI around August 11. I'm on 4 ampules of Menopur each night right now. My next apt is Thurs morning. So, back on the roller coaster, buckling my seat belt, and climbing to the top of the first big drop! At least I get to stop feeling fat and that huge zit on my chin is receding. That effing progesterone is my nemesis. When is yours? I can't remember either. I'm sorry!!
  • @jlynn330 You have your first IUI Thursday...I just saw it! I'll be the following week so we'll be close! Lots of good luck to you!!
  • I can relate with the friends situation, in fact, I'm very close with my sister and now tease with her that she's on period watch, bc each month at about that time I start getting questions like "how are you feeling, are you late?".. Anyways- Id probably go the most non-confrontational route possible and hope she gets the hint first Like you did before making it a big conversation, or make it kind of a joke to express your feelings without hurting hers (maybe I just don't have the guts to be more straight forward), because it sounds like she's being the best she can be (and over achieving!) at being supportive! Glad you ladies are here to talk to bc it's hard to let anyone in this little fertility world.
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