SIL annoying the crap out of me!

jenbstevens

My sister in law (brother's wife, not husband's sister) is driving me crazy. She has 10 year old twins and I lived with them every summer from when they were one to six. I did this in addition to working as a nanny during college, so needless to say I know something about taking care of kids. I do not in any way proclaim to know everything and I know I don't have nearly the experience of a second (or more) time mom. Basically I am fully aware of how much of a shock being a parent will be, no matter how much experience I have.

We are at times very close but she is also very vocal and judgey about random things like my choice of wedding dress and wedding cake (almost three years ago when I got married) and now about me knowing when my baby shower will be, even though I know literally nothing else about it.

Recently she posted a video on my facebook wall all about people who say things like "my baby will sleep through the night at 3 months, my baby will never cry, my baby will never use electronics" etc and how that is not the reality because being a parent is hard. I'm not someone who EVER says things like that! When I responded by saying I wasn't in any way expecting this parenting thing to be easy, she continued to be snarky and say how different it is than nannying (which my friend brought up just to illustrate that people who have been nannies know it isn't easy, not that we know HOW not easy it will be). Even my mom texted me to say that she doesn't understand why she is acting that way.

This was mostly just a rant but does anyone else have a similar situation with a sister in law (or anyone else) and have any advice for how to deal with it? I don't want to start a fight, I just don't understand why she is being so patronizing. Am I just being too sensitive to what was probably meant as a joke?

Beckah31

She's sounding like a twatwaffle. I'd say either ignore her antics, or if she really gets your dander up- unleash the hormones and tell her to shut her pie hole! Not her baby, not her business.

Mizuiro007

I had a lot of issues with my brother. His was easy to figure out why though. They'd been trying to conceive and he was being nasty out of jealousy. It isn't much better now that they're expecting as well.

He would do things like when I was pregnant with my son and had announced on FB, he started posting all these articles on why you should wait to announce until at least 12 weeks and articles on how you should announce. We had had an ultrasound and shared with family. Hubby's sister was super excited and admitted she couldn't keep it a secret so we shared the news around 9 weeks so she could brag openly. It was just an ultrasound and a short little thing on how we were excited and when we were due.

With their pregnancy they announced on FB at 7 weeks before even seeing a doctor or having an ultrasound. I was incredibly annoyed but just make myself focus on being excited.

My MIL has made all sorts of odd comments but she's admitted she isn't comfortable with babies and just needs time to adjust. She's now starting to get excited and already has a ton of Christmas presents for the baby.

You could always just approach her with it. Say something like you're not sure if she means it this way but this is how you're taking it. Past that all I can say is I've made "water off a duck's back" my mantra this pregnancy.

jenbstevens

Mizuiro007 said:

I had a lot of issues with my brother. His was easy to figure out why though. They'd been trying to conceive and he was being nasty out of jealousy. It isn't much better now that they're expecting as well. He would do things like when I was pregnant with my son and had announced on FB, he started posting all these articles on why you should wait to announce until at least 12 weeks and articles on how you should announce. We had had an ultrasound and shared with family. Hubby's sister was super excited and admitted she couldn't keep it a secret so we shared the news around 9 weeks so she could brag openly. It was just an ultrasound and a short little thing on how we were excited and when we were due. With their pregnancy they announced on FB at 7 weeks before even seeing a doctor or having an ultrasound. I was incredibly annoyed but just make myself focus on being excited. My MIL has made all sorts of odd comments but she's admitted she isn't comfortable with babies and just needs time to adjust. She's now starting to get excited and already has a ton of Christmas presents for the baby. You could always just approach her with it. Say something like you're not sure if she means it this way but this is how you're taking it. Past that all I can say is I've made "water off a duck's back" my mantra this pregnancy.

That sounds horrible! And I'm sure made it really hard to be happy for them when they weren't happy for you.

I haven't tried to confront her about this, but any time I have confronted her over something similar (like my wedding dress), she says I'm being too sensitive and she's entitled to her opinion. No one in my family bothers to say anything anymore because she just doesn't get how rude and judgmental she is!

The crazy thing is, my other sister in law (husband's sister) has had a lot of trouble conceiving (two miscarriages over the last few years that I know of) but is still managing to be wonderful, supportive and excited.

ChiccoBeanz

I'm ALL for ignoring ineptitude, but I agree with @Mizurio007 you can totally approach her. Or mention it to your brother and he can tell her. I don't know your family dynamic. I tell my fiance when his sister pisses me off and I keep my distance ,as a respect thing and he does the same. I tend to go 0-100, so I try to take space before talking to ppl about issues I think that are worth talking about. You can also totally block her on fb or make it so you have to approve posts first, might be more annoying though and its totally passive aggressive. But have a convo, and let her know you appreciate her insight, but you'll let her know if you need help. If she doesn't get it, spell it out for her. 

jenbstevens

ChiccoBeanz said:

I'm ALL for ignoring ineptitude, but I agree with @Mizurio007 you can totally approach her. Or mention it to your brother and he can tell her. I don't know your family dynamic. I tell my fiance when his sister pisses me off and I keep my distance ,as a respect thing and he does the same. I tend to go 0-100, so I try to take space before talking to ppl about issues I think that are worth talking about. You can also totally block her on fb or make it so you have to approve posts first, might be more annoying though and its totally passive aggressive. But have a convo, and let her know you appreciate her insight, but you'll let her know if you need help. If she doesn't get it, spell it out for her.

I haven't confronted her about this specifically, but when I have in the past she always says I'm being too sensitive and she is entitled to her opinion or she was just joking and I need to lighten up. I assume that is what she would say about the video in particular. She never EVER apologizes for hurting anyone's feelings, she just acts like it's their fault for getting upset. When we used to fight, my brother always told me I had to be the bigger person and apologize, even when I was a kid (and in my teens) and she was an adult. She never takes responsibility for things like this, it just seems to make it worse.

I used to try and go to my brother and he took a very "not my problem" attitude (see above, telling me to apologize even when I did nothing wrong). She and I truly have been best friends over the years so he sees it as my issue with her to resolve. Obviously this hasn't really lead to great feelings between me and my brother either, so now I don't feel like I can even talk to him about it. I have definitely been keeping my distance besides replying politely to her fb posts, but she is coming to visit soon (she lives in MA and I'm in CA) so I can't avoid her then unfortunately.

ChiccoBeanz

Hmm, well for one thing, stop politely responding to her. Ignore her posts, and when she gets a clue she'll ask what's up. Then let her know her posts are rude and you don't like them, regardless if she's joking or thinks your too senseitive. Let her know she needs to respect your feelings even if she doesn't agree with you. Leave it at that. She can get mad, she can tell your bro... is what it is. She is doing something you don't like. You asked her to stop... she can either respect it and stop and maintain the relationship or she can be an asshole and play the victim. It's up to her, but you have to do what is best for you.


If you don't want to do that, that's okay too. But then you have to quietly put up with it. Weigh your options and decide like that. As for your bro, I guess he takes the whole when you are married you are one thing to the heart. But I guess why he takes her side. But you don't have to always be the bigger person. Homegirl is older than you and he enables her shirt behavior. I'd have told him that, but like I said I go 0-100. Just consider your consequences and how they effect your immediate family and go from there. That's the best you can do. I don't pay my in laws much mind anymore. They do things just to do them and I learned to not give it energy. It helps a lot. Maybe try that?

Mizuiro007

I get the SIL issues causing brother issues. I had a close relationship with my brother until he started up with my SIL. Now things have happened I can't forgive. It's one of those were she has odd, judgy opinions and since she has them then it's their opinion as a couple.

Even with that, she was excited for my pregnancy. She was just "yay! It's a baby". So this was one of the rare times they were not together on it. I will be honest, with my SIL, she was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and has had some therapy to work on it.

Now there are differences coming up with our parenting. I tend to let it go as, not my baby not my business. They go off on weird stuff like since I have a pack n play I'm wasting my money on having a crib and planning to get another one for this baby (convertible cribs and DS is nine months so won't be done with his crib yet). I have yet to say something to them about buying a huge house so they can have their hobby rooms but aren't planning a baby room (after giving me flack for co-sleeping with DS in the pack n play by my bed the first few months).

My grandma is fond of saying "I don't have to live with them." It's like you mentioned. We've just all given up and vent to each other when they go really off.

ChiccoBeanz

@Mizuiro007 girl you are good.

fiorip

Reading your post I cannot believe how I am going through the exact same thing with my brother's wife! OMG! She has two kids under 2 years old and she's constantly providing motherly advice, telling me what to buy, what to do in the future like she knows everything! I mean, she's a new mom too and she's had sooo much help, she has barely been with her kids on her own. Imagine hearing comments like this ALL THE TIME: "you're gonna breastfeed? I doubt that you can, breast feeding is overrated, my babies were formula fed and they turned out just fine, super smart, smarter than any kid" "I was looking at your amazon registry and you're missing a diaper genie, you have to get one, it's one of the most important things ever" "my babies don't watch tv, I hate it when parents let babies watch tv" "you should reconsider the crib you've register for, the one I have is much better"

My brother and she got married 2 Years before me but my husband and I have been together for a lot longer than them, before I got married she was always giving me advice on relationship (seriously annoying! They got married after a year and a half of dating, my husband and I were together for almost 9 years, she wasn't even in the picture for a long time); while I was planning my wedding she would always send me crap and give unsolicited opinions which drove me insane, I confronted her about it and it just got worst. I've found that if I don't try to argue with her and just nod and smile I won't have to deal with her sarcasm and her snarky judgy crap.

jenbstevens

@fiorip I think nod and smile is where I'm at right now. Glad I'm not the only one! Also lol at the formula thing cause she does the same thing, the twins were formula fed.

ksark

I have the same issue with my older sister. She actually sent me that same exact video! Like you I do not even say stuff like that. I was also a live in nanny for a long time and I know the struggle will be real. I have confronted her numerous times, and thought we had a break through but it always goes back to the same snarky comments. My family tells me "o you know how she is just apologize and move on." I am always like for what? She has admitted to me in the past that she is jelouse of my life. Which I find rediculas. Maybe your sil has a jealously issue?

ChiccoBeanz

You ladies are good. I have 0 patience for things like this. I also have no problem telling people "thank you for the advice, but I'm not there yet. If I need help, I'll ask." If they don't get it, I straight up say I don't want their advice or I would have asked them. They can be mad all they want but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. I have a cousin that gives advice sometimes. I honestly blankly stare at her and then say thanks. I have a mother, 5 aunts with kids, 6 cousins with kids, at least 5 coworkers with kids, the bump community, and a good number of friends with kids.... everyone else can back away. Oh and I can read. Some people just have no respect for boundaries.

redfallon

Take Ouiser's advice and tell them that they can take their advice and videos and hateful comments and...

fmraglio

First of all I have to say sorry you're dealing with such a twatwaffle. My SIL is god-awful and I know how frustrating it can be. In fact I had to re-read @fiorip post multiple times because my SIL is the exact same way.

Honestly sometimes you just have to cut those people out of your life for awhile and if that isn't possibly then significantly cut back on their involvement in your life.

DH and I won't let my SIL and her kids around our family once this baby is born because we feel they are toxic and their sense of entitlement is damaging on others around them so we are starting to plan now on how to continue life without them come December. Unfortunately since it is DH's sister we will still see her at family events and what not but anything you can do to avoid these toxic people is going to help you out in the long run.

Of course there will he backlash initially, but if they're that much of a twatwaffle then you have to do what's best.

willashbaby

If people are posting things to your FB wall or tagging you in things you don't like then just delete the posts or remove the tags! Done! They'll get the message.

Gingermom15

I don't have any advice to offer, but dang you ladies have some patience. My SO's mother made a rude remark about a possible baby name and I flat out told her she lost all name privileges and won't know his name until he is born. She's really going to hate it when she finds out we're using the name she hates. Ha!
Good luck and stay sane! lol

jenbstevens

@ksark I do think jealousy might play a part here. My life is very different than hers ie we are in our late twenties and have stability their family doesn't have in their forties... also it was VERY easy for me to get pregnant (like, first month easy) and it took them years of trying and ultimately in vitro to get pregnant, so there might be some jealousy around that too. And yup my family tells me the same thing, it's not worth it just apologize and move on.

@chiccobeanz I think it isn't the advice that's the issue, it's that she treats me like an entitled child when I'm not. The post only annoyed me because it implies I'm one of those people who says things like that when I am not in any way. In fact, she doesn't offer any advice, just judgment and snark :-/

To be honest, her kids mean the world to me and cutting ties with her would also mean cutting ties with them and I just can't do that. She cut off her sister (like her blood sister) for a combination of them both being ridiculous bitches, and I can't stand the idea of the same thing happening to us. Also, my other brother is getting divorced and that crazyness really puts in perspective that this is just a major annoyance, but venting and hearing what you ladies have to say is really helpful!

I also just want to say I love everyone's use of the term twatwaffle because that perfectly matches how I feel about her right now!

ChiccoBeanz

Well, I'm glad we were able to help. Just do whatever is best for you and your family. That's what matters in the end. 

Mizuiro007

@ChiccoBeanz I've learned a lot of patience dealing with my dad. He's had repeated head trauma on top of decades of alcohol abuse. He has periods, like lately when he's very high functioning, other times it's very much like trying to talk to someone with dementia. He gets things mixed up, becomes confused and agitated, paranoia... someone acting judgy and snarky is easier to deal with in comparison.

*edited for quotes