Wondering if I should stay.

Carazona5

Maybe I'm just having an overly emotional morning but I'm feeling overwhelmed and really discouraged about this whole TTC thing right now. . Maybe there's something to the whole "you're trying too hard - it happens when you aren't trying." advice people always throw out. It's annoying to hear that because it IS somewhat of a science but then again, if I had a dollar for every accidental pregnancy I've heard about in my life, well I could probably afford fertility treatments.

I'm only 4 months in but I'm also almost 36 and for my own personal reasons, I would rather not get pregnant any later than that age. Once I would get pregnant, I have so many other fears. Most everyone I know and so many on here that I see miscarry the first. I know it's not a rule that it has to happen but i also know it's pretty common. That's a fear, as well as the fact that it takes almost a year to even have a baby once you're pregnant and I feel past the age I wanted to start as it is. Again, I realize you can have babies into your 40's now and whoever wants to do that, more power to you and I have nothing against it. But for me and my own personal reasons I would rather not start much past the age I am now. Physical reasons mostly. Because of that we are open to adoption and would love to do that weather we have our own pregnancy or not. We were planning to have one and adopt one or two anyway. I would be fine with only adopting. So I'm feeling lately like we may just skip right to that. Which that can be a long process also. I might try the whole "we aren't trying but we aren't preventing either." For awhile and see how that goes.
I feel like the more effort I put in and don't see a positive result, the more overwhelming and discouraged and frustrated I get. And I can't help symptom spotting and thinking I'm pregnant every month and it's just such a let down. And I'm sure those things translate as stress and don't help me at all when it comes to this.

But I love it here and have gotten to know some usernames and I love having fun here. Just not sure what to do and needed to talk a little I guess.
Maybe I just give up too easily.

thistle8677

@Carazona5 I wish I could give you a huge hug. >:D<
It is so easy to get caught up in the fear of the unknown.
I'm personally doing a lot of self talk, I email with @CarrieandRoy, I've decided not to temp this month and just use opk's.
I'm also looking for an acupuncturist, not just for fertility, I'm also hoping to just find some healing and relaxation.

You have every right to feel like giving up, and honestly, only you know if/when you should stay here, but I hope you do!

Maybe change it up this cycle. Just do one thing differently and see if that helps you feel better. Do you have any hobbies or like to exercise? Get a massage? Nails and hair done? Visit with friends?
I'm just throwing out some ideas. I think I realized this last cycle (I'm 4 cycles past d&c), that I NEED to reconnect with myself and I need to change up my routine.

They do say change is the only constant.
I've decided to embrace the changes instead of continuing my go to methods.

I hope my words help you and I hope you feel better soon. Xoxo

Carazona5

Thank you so much, that actually helps a lot and I'm so sorry for your loss earlier. It's nice of you to still be so encouraging to others.

I'm pretty active, I like to jog and go on hikes with friends, and I just entered a 5K color run for November with a few friends and sister in laws and yes LOVE getting nails done. I do have some hobbies I haven't done much of lately like drawing, that I could pick up again or switch up my exercise routine. I want to try kick boxing actually.

Thanks again. I'm not leaving just yet, I'll give it some thought but I'm having a rough morning about it for some reason.

thistle8677

@Carazona5 thiz ttc business is not for the weak hearted. Especially when we feel pressure to get pg due to maternal age, including or excluding medical issues.

You're so allowed to have a rough time and I'm glad you posted.
Just the other day I was so angry that I wasn't pg, when I was SO SURE I was. I mean I would have put money on it....unfortunately, it wasn't my month.

Just know that we're here for you.
It's nice that we have one another...it gets weird when I start using acronyms with family and friends...they're all...."huh?!"
Haha. It makes me laugh and it makes me glad I can come here and throw around our secret language and bitch, vent, obsess, laugh, cry...

Anyway, if you need a peptalk, you go it!

thistle8677

*btw, I'm not trying to create new cool ways to say "this"...my phone changes words all the time. Annoyjng. ~:>

Knottie16743552

I hear ya sista! I'm also 36 and this is killing me. I'm only 3 mo trying but god it's so disheartening. Blah!
This group really helps me keep my head up though.

And @thistle8677 - awesome chicken.

">

Sporty1216

As others have said, I think you have to follow your heart on this. I always find myself looking for anecdotal evidence of whatever it is I want reassurance about and it turns out there is a story for every circumstance--both encouraging and discouraging! In the end, it comes down to each of us and our partners, I think, to make the call that is right and healthy for us. I've only been on this board a few days, and I can already attest to its helpfulness, though. Community matters. Hang in there and I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make!

Carazona5

@thistle8677 Thatz ok my phone changes words too! Thanks again for all your kind words

thistle8677

@Carazona5 anytimez )

3JTMom

It actually sounds like you have a pretty good perspective on the whole issue. It is good to vent and just "talk". We hear ya! Hugs!

carrieandr

I'm 37 and I wish I wasn't this old, but I want kids so I do my best to accept my situation. I hope you can come to terms with it, too. I don't see a difference between having a baby or adopting at this age, unless you would be adopting older children. I think it's great that you want to adopt, by the way. I'm just not clear on what's making you unsure about having one of your own.

KLake42

I think that whatever your reasons, you absolutely have the right to decide how you want to proceed, and when you might be ready to stop.  It's your body, and everyone in your life should respect your choices. 

So yes, when you decide you're done, you are allowed to be done.  Go ahead and give yourself permission to be okay with that.  You can be done when you say you're done.

Maybe knowing that you have that absolutely valid choice will help strengthen you for trying some more, if you want to.  But you don't have to.

I kind of have this idea, for me.... that the right kid is out there somewhere.  Maybe I give birth to them, or maybe I find them when I decide it's time to pursue adoption.  Maybe they're not where I think they are, you know?  But one way or another, I'll find them (or they'll find me).  

That's how I see things for me.  I won't presume how life will unfold for others.  But I do believe that you are on the right path for you, even if you don't know what's coming next.  Just take care of yourself, breathe, sleep, and see what the next day has to offer.

thistle8677

@KLake42 I love your vision and attitude toward your future child(ren).
Beautiful and lovely.

There's a comfort in trusting in the process and allowing your heart to focus on bringing that soul nearer to yours.

Awesome. Thank you for sharing your ideas.

Sporty1216

Agreed, @KLake42 ! That is a lovely way to think of things. I often tell myself a similar thing--that the right baby will come at the right time--but I like your way of putting it even better!

jilligan14

I think that feeling like giving up is just a natural part of this process. It's hard when there's so many obstacles lined up in the way (being older, rate of miscarriage, etc.). I often think about just heading right to adoption, although it seems like just as complicated of a process (and also lengthy, expensive, emotional, etc.). Some days it's just hard to know what to do and all I can do is cry. We stopped contraceptives way back in Nov. 2012 and it just seems ridiculous that we don't have a baby by now. But every day that I feel like giving up, I tell myself, "just a couple of more cycles..." Obviously you need to follow what's right in your heart and only you will know that. Don't feel bad about wanting to give up. If you need to give up for a few cycles or forever, then that's what you need to do. Or if you need to just contemplate about giving up and vent to us about it, don't worry. We get it.

@KLake42 - such beautiful words about connecting with a child! It made me feel so hopeful about the future. One day at a time...

Designermomma

OP, have you and your husband been tested? It took us a year of trying to have our 1st child when I was 30. Then 3.5 years of trying to have our 2nd. I gave up several times but finally got serious and said to myself "This is happening now!". I had several tests done by my OBGYN and she couldn't find anything wrong but I was temping and tracking my cycles and they were wonky and hard to predict so my friend reccomended a hormone specialist. He put me on a diet to regulate my cycles. (Sugar, bread, dairy and soy elevates estrogen which mine was too high) It was rough but it really did balance me. At the same time, DH was tested and turns out, he had low count & motility. He modified his diet also with advise of his dr. and within 6 months I was prego! It's ok to give up and take a break for your sanity. Just be open and try different things, who knows, something may work. Hang in there.

Carazona5

CarrieandRoy said:

I'm 37 and I wish I wasn't this old, but I want kids so I do my best to accept my situation. I hope you can come to terms with it, too. I don't see a difference between having a baby or adopting at this age, unless you would be adopting older children. I think it's great that you want to adopt, by the way. I'm just not clear on what's making you unsure about having one of your own.

I guess the difference to me is just physically what carrying and giving birth (or having a c section even) does to a body and the recovery time and all that. I just feel like each year I get more back issues or ankle issues or things like that and I just don't want to add to all that and then not be able to play with or keep up with s small child properly. I know pregnancy brings some of its own things as well and that's ok - I'm willing to do it now. Just not too far into the future because I feel like each year it will be a little worse. This is just for me personally, and my own personal physical issues. Not saying it's for everyone or that it's a bad thing for the body in general.

And yes we're open to older children but I do at some point really really want a newborn. Weather I carry it or not. I'm open to it all really.

Carazona5

Designermomma said:

OP, have you and your husband been tested? It took us a year of trying to have our 1st child when I was 30. Then 3.5 years of trying to have our 2nd. I gave up several times but finally got serious and said to myself "This is happening now!". I had several tests done by my OBGYN and she couldn't find anything wrong but I was temping and tracking my cycles and they were wonky and hard to predict so my friend reccomended a hormone specialist. He put me on a diet to regulate my cycles. (Sugar, bread, dairy and soy elevates estrogen which mine was too high) It was rough but it really did balance me. At the same time, DH was tested and turns out, he had low count & motility. He modified his diet also with advise of his dr. and within 6 months I was prego! It's ok to give up and take a break for your sanity. Just be open and try different things, who knows, something may work. Hang in there.

Not yet but we have an appointment set for August 28th for those things

dolphin012

@Carazona5 - wanted to wish you well in sorting things out. I hope you are having a better day today . 

Tomerine

Just wanted to say that I understand. You have to know your limits and if you truly feel D.O.N.E, then respect that. No matter what you decide is best (and it's obviously YOUR decision) be kind to yourself. This whole process is so hard. It's natural to question any and all of it.

Carazona5

Thank you everyone. I think all this just kind of developed the other day because so many things seemed to happen at the same time. For 2 months of TTC now something has prevented us from a lot of BD at the times we need to most. (Mostly minor illnesses popping up, one of us out of town for work,etc.). Then also two more people in my immediate circle came up pregnant, and one NOT in my circle who I'm sorry, does not deserve a baby. She's an ex friend who was married to a man she had been with for 5 years, then cheated on him and left him for another guy a year after they got married. Then married that guy within 7 months of meeting him, convinced him to cut his 2 year old son out of his life because she didn't like him, and then 9 months later left HIM for a new guy and that's who she's pregnant with now. Only she's still technically married to the second guy. And before this she has said she never wants kids to drag her down because she's an "actress" (independent things that don't even pay) and she also doesn't want to "screw up her body". But guy number 3 is rich and she told people she was just going to secretly stop taking her birth control because she needed to keep this one around. He's now paying for her divorce. Nice. It just kills me when people can behave anyway they want, hurt whoever they want, and get everything they want. Especially a baby that she probably doesn't really want. But I've worked in child care, nannying, preschool teaching for years. Kids are my life and I feel like I've raised everyone else's but have such a hard time getting my own!

Ok rant over but that's what brought on my negative post the other day. I'm just frustrated with a lot right now. But I think it's easy to say"I'm just going to give up and not think about it." But who am I kidding? I'll still know when my periods are and be thinking of all this stuff and timing and everything...sigh.

carrieandr

I'm glad to hear it was probably just your frustration talking.  Because unless you have some kind of medical issue, there's nothing wrong with carrying a child at 36 (or older).  I'm 37, and although my eggs are getting old, my body is not!  It is fully capable of carrying a child and I deserve to have that experience.  There is no need to put arbitrary limits on ourselves.

Carazona5

CarrieandRoy said:

I'm glad to hear it was probably just your frustration talking.  Because unless you have some kind of medical issue, there's nothing wrong with carrying a child at 36 (or older).  I'm 37, and although my eggs are getting old, my body is not!  It is fully capable of carrying a child and I deserve to have that experience.  There is no need to put arbitrary limits on ourselves.

I understand, it's just also I've had some back problems and worry about that. I've been told those only get worse when pregnant so I worry sometimes.

Knottie16743552

Holy cow what a psycho lady! (The gold digging manipulative baby momma) She seems like she probably also does not deserve the new guy either. I've known women who have done that (get pregnant to keep a guy) and it's just so awful IMO...

Carazona5

Knottie16743552 said:

Holy cow what a psycho lady! (The gold digging manipulative baby momma) She seems like she probably also does not deserve the new guy either. I've known women who have done that (get pregnant to keep a guy) and it's just so awful IMO...

It is awful. It frustrates me that it happens for people like that and not people like us. . Or at least how easy it seems for them and how hard it can be for us.

carrieandr

@Carazona5, I had surgery for a herniated disc in December (from a lot of REALLY heavy lifting last June) and my surgeon said I could TTC two weeks later.  And my back feels soooo much better than before the surgery.

Just thought I'd throw that out there, in case it is a disc issue...

Carazona5

CarrieandRoy said:

@Carazona5, I had surgery for a herniated disc in December (from a lot of REALLY heavy lifting last June) and my surgeon said I could TTC two weeks later.  And my back feels soooo much better than before the surgery.

Just thought I'd throw that out there, in case it is a disc issue...

Oh wow that's good! Glad you're feeling better! Mine isn't quite figured out yet because it seems to come and go so much.

KLake42

Wow, she's a nut!  But I suppose that people like that at least give us something interesting to talk about, bless their hearts.

(I'm terrible, but I love good dish.)

I also have back problems.  I finally found out it's because I have disc degeneration in my low spine.  When I'm older, it will probably fuse and stop hurting, but for the next 20 years, it will give me trouble.  Getting some physical therapy helped a lot, since I learned some tricks for supporting it better--mainly using internal muscles, so I'm doing Kegels all the freaking time (let's see if it keeps me from peeing all over myself every time I sneeze, once I'm pregnant)!

lyssaroony

@Carazona5, it really is ridiculous that those type of women can have babies. I really feel bad for the kids involved. Every child should be loved and nurtured. Not used as a pawn!

I really hope you are gaining more clarity regarding continuing to TTC. You are in my prayers!

MntnGirl

@Carazona5 - Do you walk? For me, walking strengthens core muscles and helps with back issues (that don't require surgery) and I am also hoping it will help my body with pregnancy and labor. I'm almost 41 and we've been TTC about a year and other than the ex-friend situation, I can relate to your concerns. I worry about how hard it'll be on my body and how tired I will be and I also worry about the AMA related risks, but I know I'll be so excited and DH is extremely supportive and if I have to be on bed rest or just limited activity I can count on him (there could be multiples in our future). I can relate to your frustration and I'm glad you posted your update.

Carazona5

I actually do walk and I run too and it seems to worsen for a day after either of those and then go away again... It's really frustrating that when I go for a run one day I'll feel good that day and when wake up the next morning unable to move without pain all day. Not muscle soreness, just blatant back pain. But the day after that it's gone and I go back to normal life. I haven't been able to figure out what it is and I'm unwilling to take any pain meds right now while trying to TTC. Plus I've never taken any medications besides over the counter stuff. But I had a consult at a running place where they evaluate your gait, etc and I got expensive new shoes, and also have another doctor appointment soon so hopefully I can get it sorted out


I also just want to say I appreciate all your support here so much! Everyone has been great and I'm not going anywhere right now, but I think it's just overwhelming to me to post in every single WTO and TWW thread and to stress over charts and opks every day... For awhile until my fertility appointment later this month I'm just trying to lay low about it all and not stress.

Carazona5

Aaaaand my sister in law is pregnant. That's 6 people in my immediate circle now. I can't not be happy for this one tho. She's my age, super sweet and a nice person and she lost one recently so...

But still kind of hard not to get choked up about it. My husband even text me from work and is bummed today too. Not because of her news, just the lack of ours and the timing of it I guess.

But like I said she deserves this so at least there's that. And it's one more little niece or nephew for me which is only a good thing.

I just want it to be my turn

SaltyStar09

It's hard.  Even when we're happy for someone, we can still feel sad for ourselves.

Carazona5

Make that two of my sister in laws. Same day. Lol wow!

Knottie16743552

And you makes THREE!!!

Carazona5

So weird now to think about!