Choosing Godparents

siempre595

I wasn't sure where to put this question, but will hope for some experienced parents here to share their stories and help me out!  Excuse the length, it's complicated.  

I am a new mom to twins, boy and girl.  I'm Catholic and my husband is Methodist.  Neither of us is very religious, although I was raised VERY Catholic (Catholic school for 12 years, weekly church visit, daily prayer, etc).  My husband was raised to go to mass weekly, but has not gone in over a decade.  We were married by his minister in a very short, Christian but not terribly religious ceremony.  

After some discussion, we've decided to baptize the babies Catholic.  I feel some attachment to my religion even though I don't agree with every detail of it.  My husband feels no attachment to any religion and agrees that we want to give the kids some exposure to religion and it makes sense to go with mine since it's more important to me.  

So we are about to move to a new state for my husband's job.  We know NO ONE there.  There is a lovely Catholic church and school literally blocks from our new home.  Rather than cart the babies across the country to my hometown, I'd like to have them baptized in our new church there and start some religious education/experience in our new city.  So here is the rub.  We must pick at least one Godparent.  And according to Catholic faith,they must be Catholic.  One "witness" my be non-Catholic.  

My mother is Catholic, now semi-practicing but has fallen away from the frequent worship.  My father is not now nor has he ever been religious, he's baptized Lutheran but I suspect is actually agnostic.  My husband's parents are quite active in their Methodist church, in the choir, on the board, etc.  I have attended mass with them several times and found it is mostly a social event for them but they are, nonetheless, much more involved in their church than my family has been in years.  His mother already stated something about "having our minister come baptize these babies."  I quickly told her that my husband and I had not decided the details about that and we were not ready to do that.  She backed off but appeared surprised.  She doesn't know we are going to have them baptized Catholic.  I suspect she will be hurt.  Worse yet, I will likely have to choose my mom as the Godmother, I have no one else to choose who is Catholic and able to travel to the baptism most likely.  My sister is not involved in my life for years.  I have wonderful friends who would be good choices, but they live over 1000 miles away and may be uncomfortable with the distinction given that we do not see them frequently anymore.  My husband does not have any Catholic friends.  If I choose my mom, his mother will feel slighted.  She already feels slighted because my mom has been invited more frequently to help me care for the babies, as my husband has traveled some since their birth in May.  My mother in law is a bit of a kook and can be a difficult/strong personality at times;  I tend to avoid her honestly if possible.  I don't dislike her, but she is dramatic and I am not, it leads me to naturally avoid her.  

I am feeling guilty in general about this coming issue.  As though I am eliminating my husband's family (specifically his parents) when I do not intend to do so.  If the Catholic church allowed non-Catholics to be godparents I would do what I could to involve them.   

We have discussed just asking my friends to be the Godparents, thereby eliminating ALL grandparents and family, trying to make it more "even".  Perhaps this would work...or offend everyone more.  

Since the twins' birth I just feel trapped in trying to please various family members by every major action we take (who helped me in the hospital, who stayed in our house after their birth, who was invited to see the babies and when, where my husband accepted a job, who is helping us move, who is riding in the car with us for the move, who stays in the house with us after the move, and now the big one....who gets their name on the baptism certificate).  It's non stop drama, primarily with his mother, she already called last week and wanted me to "quit your job sooner for this move"....I'm an ICU physician, it doesn't work that way.  I want to cause the least drama possible.  But I feel trapped. There is no one to pick without hurting one or more people.  

jasminelorraine20

Asking someone to be a God-Parent to your babies is a very private and personal matter. They are the person that you would trust to give your baby Religious guidance in any event that  something happens to you and your DH. FWIW, we drove to my home church in NY to have LO baptized/christened and the person that I chose to be his God-Mother (SO is not religious and went along with my traditions and beliefs) lived in SC at the time and traveled the 13 hours to be there for it. It is a big deal IMO- big enough to where if you asked your closest girlfriend to be your LO's God Mother , she may be honored and travel for it instead of feel awkward. As far as your Mom and your MIL are concerned- you said that the God-Parent has to be Catholic. Your Mom is Catholic and your MIL is not, it's not a favoritism or you leaving out DH's family- it's your Mom fits the criteria. If MIL wants to get bent out of shape over something like that, then that's on her. She won't be any less involved in her Grandchildren's lives hopefully.

MyCousinVinny

It seems as though you have a lot on your plate with taking care of twins, moving, etc.  Is this something that has to be done right away?  I know of a few people that simply postponed baptizing their children until life settled down.  There's really no rush, people can be baptized at any time.  It may give you some time to get settled in your new home and meet new people or give you some time to think of someone you would really want to have as their Godparent.

I agree with PP, this is a private and personal matter and whatever you choose to decide, people will have to respect it whether they like it or not.  

jasminelorraine20

MyCousinVinny said:

It seems as though you have a lot on your plate with taking care of twins, moving, etc.  Is this something that has to be done right away?  I know of a few people that simply postponed baptizing their children until life settled down.  There's really no rush, people can be baptized at any time.  It may give you some time to get settled in your new home and meet new people or give you some time to think of someone you would really want to have as their Godparent.

I agree with PP, this is a private and personal matter and whatever you choose to decide, people will have to respect it whether they like it or not.  

I agree with all of this. DS was baptized the day after his 1st birthday. We definitely gave ourselves time to settle in before dealing with all of that.

siempre595

Good suggestion.  I will probably wait.  My husband has the idea that this needs to be done right away, even though he is not at all religious.  Will keep thinking about it. 

maelily15

Just some input from an agnostic family: I was raised non denominational Christian and my DH was raised Catholic. Neither of us are practicing actively. We are not religious and are not baptizing our daughter until she can make her own decision. But we did choose godparents in the case that something happened to us. We chose people we would trust to raise our daughter as we would. It's an intensely personal decision but we did make it common knowledge amongst our families and wrote up a living will because we want our wishes honored by all, regardless of whether or not they agree with them.

jerseygirl227

Perhaps your MIL assumes that her church will baptize your children because it is the church in which you were married.  Of course, assumptions are never a good thing.

I agree with the PPs.  Take your time,  You have a lot going on right now.  Good luck!

Anne Mommy

I had DS "blessed" by a chaplin at the hospital. I think the general reasoning behind having them baptized right away was so they didn't go to hell if they died. (not my personal beliefs, but whatever) 

Of my 3 kids, we have family friends of MH and my siblings for the first 2. #3 is getting our friends as godparents. I used the local church because I wanted to have DS start his church life where we go. My cousins all travel to their "home church" for baptisms- even though it's 4 hour drive for most of them. It's whatever you want. 

ADWCal

You may want to check with your local church as it may be different in different areas, but at the Catholic church here (Canada) we were required to have one Catholic Godparent and we could have one non-Catholic, but Christian, person as a "Christian Witness", basically a Godparent.  Perhaps, if it's the same where you live, you could chose someone from your husband's family to be the Christian Witness - that's what we did.

Louddog

Given all you have going on, I'd second delaying the baptism date.  As for your choosing a God-parent and your MIL….., that is a decision to be made by you and your husband in the best interest of your child's catholic upbringing.   No one else gets a say in the matter!  Its not a popularity contest or obligation.  I kinda ran into this issue with my in-laws.  Some of them felt entitled to be chosen as the Godparents.  They are practicing Catholics, but they openly disagree with certain teachings of the Catholic faith…abortion, contraception, etc.   Because of that they were not chosen.  We ruffled a lot of in-law feathers by doing so but that's just too bad.  When they protested, I suggested they review the Catholic teachings about selecting Godparents.  Choosing a Godparent is not about them….its about your child's soul.  And as a Catholic parent, your child's soul is the priority. 

In your case, your mother is Catholic and your MIL is not.  This is a no-brainer….the Church makes is very clear that the best candidates for Godparents are Catholics and preferably those who truly fully practice the faith.