Newbie intro and looking for help *loss mentioned*

crazypixies

Hi all,
I am new to this board, but have been lurking on this and several of the infertility boards for a while. Please excuse me if I don't use all the proper acronyms, and please be nice. I am sorry that we all have to be here, but I am happy to meet you and I am wishing baby dust to you all.
My DH and I have been TTC for a year. DH is 29 and I am 30, and we have been married for 6 years. I teach Kindergarten and my DH is a research scientist. Our TTC journey has been a long and frustrating.
After trying for 10 months, we finally got our BFP only for it to end with a chemical pregnancy four days later. I kept testing, but only got the faintest of BFPs on all the FR tests I was taking, and now wonder if I just wasn't producing enough HCG to sustain a pregnancy. We were so happy when we finally got a positive. We were talking to my flat belly, talking about what kinds of baby furniture we wanted, then while we were out grocery shopping, I started getting cramps and when we got home I was bleeding. I was completely devastated. I have been struggling with depression ever since.
Also frustrating is the Infertility testing process. It takes so long to get appointments scheduled and to get results back, and right now, all I want are answers. Right before my CP, I had finally gotten my GP to refer me for infertility testing, and had been scheduled for an appt. but canceled it due to the BFP a few days before I was supposed to go in, and then had to wait another month to get in to the doctor once we lost the baby. We finally got started on the testing process this month and are awaiting DH's SA results. My tests have come back and all were normal except for my FSH levels, which are slightly elevated. No answers as to why yet, and we won't see the doctor until DH gets results.
It has not helped that since I started TTC, two of my sisters, a cousin who is a minor, and one of my best friends have all gotten BFPs. I am so incredibly jealous, and sometimes I have the hardest time seeing their big bellies and can barely stand looking at these people that I love so much. And holding my cousin's baby for the first time was so hard...something I desperately wanted to do, as I adore babies, but also something I wanted just as desperately to avoid. My family has a history of being fertile Myrtles, so they do not understand my feelings about this at all. The many comments of "just relax" or questions about when we are going to have a baby are starting to drive me nuts.
DH and I have been tracking O pretty much since the beginning. I always get O spotting and have an LP of 13-14 days. Which brings me to the question part of this introduction...can your LP vary at all? I thought it was supposed to be pretty constant. I got a +OPK on day 13 of this cycle, had O spotting on day 13 and 14, and then had O confirmed by a progesterone 21 test at the doctor's office. At this point, I am two days past when I expected AF but keep getting BFNs. There are no signs of a BFP or of AF that would be out of the norm for my LP (I am a horrible symptom spotter, so I pay attention to every little thing and always think it is a sign of a BFN, but then AF always shows her ugly face, usually after a few hours of warning cramps.) although I did have cramping at 11 dpo, which could have been implantation, but were not like when I got BFP. I know stress can affect O...can it also affect your LP? Is it possible to wish away AF if you did in fact O? At this point, visions of a second CP or an ectopic pregnancy are running though my head due to the test not being able to pick up any HCG. I am absolutely terrified and am driving myself a bit crazy.

crazypixies

BTW, by CP I meant chemical pregnancy, not cervical position. Sorry, my mistake.

GoldenKeys

Welcome, and I'm sorry for your loss.  Your FSH levels fluctuate throughout your cycle and it might be slightly elevated due to your CP, which can affect your levels for several cycles afterward.

Additionally losses, including CP's  can 'reset' your LP to a 'new normal'.  Even so, LP's can vary between normal cycles up to about three days.  It's not *that* set in stone, especially because pinpointing ovulation through temping is very helpful but not an exact science.

You definitely sound as if you are in the 'crazy making' phase of TTC and we've all been there.  Do your best not to obsess. It won't affect your cycle ( not matter what people say) and it won't affect your fertility but it can drive you insane and erase the joy of TTC.

The best thing to do would be to pay a visit to an RE (NOT an OBGYN!) to explore you options.... GL!