Do I need an attitude change? — The Bump
August 2014 Moms

Do I need an attitude change?

DS is almost 1 and I love being his mom but I am having a hard time being a mom and a wife. Does that make sense? I give and give to DS and I feel like I have nothing left for DH. It doesn't help that DH doesn't seem to understand my struggles and isn't very supportive.  He seldom asks if I need help and whines if I ask for help.  I am becoming resentful of him.  And I am starting to question whether we can parent together, and that's an awful feeling.   DS had to stay home from daycare today because of a fever. I am almost of out vacation days at work. DH says he can't stay home, he has to save his vacation days for a hunting trip. So my MIL took DS.  What a bunch of bull!  Oh and DH says I have a bad attitude.  He hasn't had to change his way of life nearly as much as I have and we are having a hard time adjusting to the "new us".   Anyone else struggling with this?  Maybe this is just how it is and I do need a new attitude.  There are so many nights when I say under my breath, you are such an a**!!!!!  And this can't be good for DS.  I often think to myself that I don't like my husband anymore. Can you still love someone but not like them, or who they are?  It takes me being a push over of a wife for everything to go smoothly - on the surface. The be seen not heard mentality. As long as I just go with what DH wants, all the time, everything is fine. Don't complain about a darn thing, don't expect a darn thing from him, don't put in your two cents or have your own opinion.   I do not know what happened to us but what we had isn't there anymore.  bah!  

Re: Do I need an attitude change?

  • You are not alone!!! I have been struggling with the exact same issues. I dont feel like my husband is a jerk but he definitely doesnt help unless i ask. I makes me so mad at times. We both work (my schedule is a little less stressful and time consuming) but i am gone from 7:30-3 and then i take care of baby (only have one), make dinner, feed baby, bath time, nurse, put to sleep, clean up kitchen etc! I get so pissed at him because he doesnt see the kitchen as dirty and pick it up for me when i am taking care of the baby. Agh! I feel like just recently i have had multiple melt downs because i feel like we are just room mates. We barely talk, no sex, no us time. We have discussed this issue so many times and finally i feel like (with a lot of effort from me) that we are getting us back but it is not the exact same. I guess on a positive not my husband doesnt complain or treat me bad. But this baby has really effected us and our relationship. Its almost like we have to create a new us and it takes so much more work because we are exhausted, stressed, and have no time for really us. I feel your frustration, and it is a hard road and i hope it gets better. But know this, you are not alone with your feelings!
  • luv4LOluv4LO
    Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Photogenic
    Thank you, that's exactly it!  I am so quick to call names, especially when I am mad, like I was when I wrote my initial post.   But sometimes I think, who are we and what are we doing?!  It does take a lot of work on both parts and its not easy.  
  • Sometimes i also feel like my husband thinks i can handle it all on my own (like i dont need him) so he just will sit and watch tv while i do stuff. Thats when i get so angry so i have learned to ask for help and kind of fit him into my routine with baby. Like at night i usually take a bath with the babe and i have my husband get baby out so then i can shower :) since he knows what i need from him i feel like it isnt an argument. It is such a balancing act and sometimes i jusy shut my mouth and push through it too. My friend said, once you have a baby there is no going back and nothing is the same. It is so true so just trying to make a new "you/us" is kind of the journey. My LO doesnt sleep through the night and i feel like that takes such a toll on me and i dont feel like staying up to make time for hubby. But recently i realized that is so important so now a couple nights a week we pick a show to watch together for like 30 min, just to sit and be together. Baby steps :)
  • luv4LOluv4LO
    Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Photogenic
    I am so glad you replied :) I needed those reminders. My husband is the same and thinks, "she's got this" because I don't ask for help. Our LO doesn't sleep through the night yet either and sometimes I don't have it! haha! and I just break down.   Your friend is right, once you have a baby nothing is the same.  I know I've heard that before but you don't really know until you are in the thick of it.   Thanks for the reply!  :)
  • Sounds like you both have different expectations. You need to sit down together (or even with a therapist) and talk this out. It's only going to get worse.
    Married November 2009
    Clara, August 2014 
    Baby Boy due October 2017
  • I'm sorry! It does suck when there's no communication between you and your SO. DH and I have been up and down with our relationship over the years and 2 kids later. There's bad days and good days. I've found it does help to flat out let DH know what helps me, and tell him that I appreciate when he does help. When I approach it that way, he seems more receptive. That being said, we still have our bad moments... Aka when asking for too much help comes across as nagging? It can be a fine line some days and then it just boils down to the fact we need to work on communication again.
  • bluepony0628bluepony0628
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment Photogenic
    edited September 2015
    I totally get this. Hubby works all day and I stay home with DD. Mostly now it's get home and play mindcraft But I've made him bathe her and he seems to like that. Lately he's been the one to read and put her to bed. I think men are just dense sometimes and need to be treated like our kids, haha. Hopefully it gets better for all of us and soon!
  • I 100% feel you on this! BF and I both work the same hours, sometimes he'll be out before me, but I'm the one to pick up from daycare, come home and immediately make and feed dinner, than bath, and soon to follow bed. BF watches his TV shows as DS wanders around and I do dishes. I feel like BF is just a giant kid sometimes and I have to be the responsible one to step in all the time. Unfortunately it has taken a toll on our us time because I'm exhausted come time to go to bed, so no sex, no alone time. Slowly taking steps to right it, but because I started it. MEN!!
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