2nd Shower

DrillSergeantCat

Is there ever a time that the most strict of the posters here will find a second shower acceptable? My dilemma...I don't want to be rude by having a shower for a second baby, but my oldest will be 19 by the time I would have a shower. I obviously don't have any of his old belongings to use anymore. 

eliztheforrizz

To clarify, has someone offered you a shower and you are wondering whether to accept or not, or are you talking about throwing your own second shower?

DrillSergeantCat

I've actually had 2 or 3 friends offer. I just see constantly it being said that a second shower is tacky, rude, and gift grabby.

wassuphoes

Knottie30790171 said:

I've actually had 2 or 3 friends offer. I just see constantly it being said that a second shower is tacky, rude, and gift grabby.

Personally, I wouldn't side eye this too much mainly because the gap is so large. That said, I would still keep the guest list on the smaller side. But don't rely on getting a ton of essentials if you accept. A lot of people just want to buy cutesy stuff.

missemmawoodhouse

The only thing I can somewhat get on board with is if it is the father's first child - even then, I wasn't thrilled to send a gift to an aquaintance in this situation. I did receive the shower invite about a week before the out of town shower so that may have played into it.

I'd still turn down a second shower if I had another child no matter the age gap.

VOR

Knottie30790171 said:

 I obviously don't have any of his old belongings to use anymore. 

So what?  Look, I really don't want to be snarky about this and realistically, if you were a friend of mine, I'd probably happily come to your shower. 

BUT this reasoning???  So what?  You want to have a child, great.  Why is it my responsibility to buy you the stuff you'll need? 

DrillSergeantCat

VOR said:

Knottie30790171 said:

 I obviously don't have any of his old belongings to use anymore. 

So what?  Look, I really don't want to be snarky about this and realistically, if you were a friend of mine, I'd probably happily come to your shower. 

BUT this reasoning???  So what?  You want to have a child, great.  Why is it my responsibility to buy you the stuff you'll need? 

It's not your responsibility and I think you read more into that than intended. I added that because the typical reasoning against a second shower is that you can re-use the stuff from your first child. 

fwtx5815

Knottie30790171 said:

Is there ever a time that the most strict of the posters here will find a second shower acceptable? My dilemma...I don't want to be rude by having a shower for a second baby, but my oldest will be 19 by the time I would have a shower. I obviously don't have any of his old belongings to use anymore. 

Unless this is the father's first child, no age gap of any length makes it okay IMHO.

Showers are meant are first-timers, in this case to welcome a new mom to motherhood and with a 19yo you've obviously been there, done that.

People that are close to you will likely ask if there's anything you need/buy gifts on their own without needing to be invited to a shower anyway.

DrillSergeantCat

fwtx5815 said:

Is there ever a time that the most strict of the posters here will find a second shower acceptable? My dilemma...I don't want to be rude by having a shower for a second baby, but my oldest will be 19 by the time I would have a shower. I obviously don't have any of his old belongings to use anymore. 

Unless this is the father's first child, no age gap of any length makes it okay IMHO. Showers are meant are first-timers, in this case to welcome a new mom to motherhood and with a 19yo you've obviously been there, done that. People that are close to you will likely ask if there's anything you need/buy gifts on their own without needing to be invited to a shower anyway.

This is the father's first. 

fwtx5815

Then IMO the father should be in attendance and the invite list should mostly consist of his family and friends that you have met while you guys have been together (rather than the same folks who went to your first shower).

But I'm sure others will weigh in given this new bit of info. I'm curious what others think about it

DrillSergeantCat

fwtx5815 said:

Then IMO the father should be in attendance and the invite list should mostly consist of his family and friends that you have met while you guys have been together (rather than the same folks who went to your first shower). But I'm sure others will weigh in given this new bit of info. I'm curious what others think about it

I'm not in contact with anyone that was at my first shower except my mom so that won't be a problem, there!

MyCousinVinny

Since it's his 1st child, I would agree that a second shower is acceptable.  

Latina211508

Go ahead and have a second shower. You may do as you wish. Everyone has their own opinions. But that won't affect your life. I love to go to showers no matter if it's someone's first or second. Enjoy it!!

DrillSergeantCat

I'm almost positive that no one in my circle would think ill of me. I've had 3 people offer to throw me a shower and a few others tell me to make sure they get invited to it. 

ChiccoBeanz

Knottie30790171 said:

I'm almost positive that no one in my circle would think ill of me. I've had 3 people offer to throw me a shower and a few others tell me to make sure they get invited to it. 

Girl accept the gift of a shower. Even Ms. Manners has a section about it. I'd use Ms. Manners and those things. They already have it posted. No worries, I'm sure it will all turn out great. Best of luck to you and your LO.

DrillSergeantCat

Jonesy288 said:

Knottie30790171 said:

I'm almost positive that no one in my circle would think ill of me. I've had 3 people offer to throw me a shower and a few others tell me to make sure they get invited to it. 

Girl accept the gift of a shower. Even Ms. Manners has a section about it. I'd use Ms. Manners and those things. They already have it posted. No worries, I'm sure it will all turn out great. Best of luck to you and your LO.

Thank you. I've got a much closer set of friends this go round and they're already clamoring to get their hands on my squishy.

dufferoo

To me, having a second shower 19 years after the first doesn't automatically sound gift-grabby, but when you mention that the reason you want it is because you need new stuff, then it kinda does. If your friends do decide to do it, the classiest thing to do would be to keep it very small and informal.

DrillSergeantCat

dufferoo said:

To me, having a second shower 19 years after the first doesn't automatically sound gift-grabby, but when you mention that the reason you want it is because you need new stuff, then it kinda does. If your friends do decide to do it, the classiest thing to do would be to keep it very small and informal.

As I said in a previous comment, I included that part because I often see the reasoning for no second shower being that you should reuse items from the first baby. 

VesperLove

I guess I have a very different stance on this.

I don't see a shower as simply being about gifts like so many people do. Yes, they almost always include gifts ... but, I see it as a celebration of a baby/becoming a parent (even if it's becoming a parent AGAIN). I think a new life is always something to celebrate so I'm all in favor of a shower for every single child no matter how close together they are.

Now, whether you request gifts or not might be a different story. I threw a few sprinkles for my sister (she has four kids) and we always withheld registry information on the second through fourth child. If people asked, we would share or we'd just say gifts aren't necessary. Some of those people would still bring something. 

If people want to throw you a shower, let them and enjoy it. I think anyone you are close with, who is a part of your life, knows it's been 19 years since you've done this, etc, wouldn't bat an eye ... and if they did, then it's their choice not to go.

GingerTurtles

kyleneum13 said:

I don't see a shower as simply being about gifts like so many people do. Yes, they almost always include gifts ... but, I see it as a celebration of a baby/becoming a parent (even if it's becoming a parent AGAIN). I think a new life is always something to celebrate so I'm all in favor of a shower for every single child no matter how close together they are.

Well, you could also feel the sky is purple but that doesn't make it so. The very name of the party comes from women gathering together to SHOWER the mother-to-be with gifts to welcome her to motherhood (or shower the bride with gifts to set up her home). Whether you think it or not, the sole reason for a shower is to give gifts. 

Don't want it to be about gifts? Don't call it a shower. Words matter. If a guest receives an invitation to a shower, they know they are obligated to bring a gift, since that's the purpose of the party. 

Quazel

GingerTurtles said:

kyleneum13 said:

I don't see a shower as simply being about gifts like so many people do. Yes, they almost always include gifts ... but, I see it as a celebration of a baby/becoming a parent (even if it's becoming a parent AGAIN). I think a new life is always something to celebrate so I'm all in favor of a shower for every single child no matter how close together they are.

Well, you could also feel the sky is purple but that doesn't make it so. The very name of the party comes from women gathering together to SHOWER the mother-to-be with gifts to welcome her to motherhood (or shower the bride with gifts to set up her home). Whether you think it or not, the sole reason for a shower is to give gifts. 

Don't want it to be about gifts? Don't call it a shower. Words matter. If a guest receives an invitation to a shower, they know they are obligated to bring a gift, since that's the purpose of the party. 

This is an opinion question so yes, her feelings are important here. You may feel shower means gifts but in my world, we shower/sprinkle support. Most people will bring gifts but it is never, ever required. Words do matter, perhaps you should rethink yours.

OP, I would be shocked if anyone irl side eyed your friends throwing you a shower. I would imagine all of your friends and family would love to celebrate with you. It is up to you if you choose to share registry information but, by all means, let your LOs celebrate with you.

GingerTurtles

Quazel said:

kyleneum13 said:

I don't see a shower as simply being about gifts like so many people do. Yes, they almost always include gifts ... but, I see it as a celebration of a baby/becoming a parent (even if it's becoming a parent AGAIN). I think a new life is always something to celebrate so I'm all in favor of a shower for every single child no matter how close together they are.

Well, you could also feel the sky is purple but that doesn't make it so. The very name of the party comes from women gathering together to SHOWER the mother-to-be with gifts to welcome her to motherhood (or shower the bride with gifts to set up her home). Whether you think it or not, the sole reason for a shower is to give gifts. 

Don't want it to be about gifts? Don't call it a shower. Words matter. If a guest receives an invitation to a shower, they know they are obligated to bring a gift, since that's the purpose of the party. 

This is an opinion question so yes, her feelings are important here. You may feel shower means gifts but in my world, we shower/sprinkle support. Most people will bring gifts but it is never, ever required. Words do matter, perhaps you should rethink yours. OP, I would be shocked if anyone irl side eyed your friends throwing you a shower. I would imagine all of your friends and family would love to celebrate with you. It is up to you if you choose to share registry information but, by all means, let your LOs celebrate with you.

People will bring gifts because to society at large, a shower is a gift-giving party. That's what the rules of etiquette tell us. That's why etiquette exists -- to tell us how to act in social situations. So an invite to a shower = bring a gift. Just because your social group has decided they don't like that definition, doesn't make it so. 

tbasinski

My friends are throwing me one as it has been 10 years since my last baby. I also have the different father situation going. I honestly don't have much interest in the idea, but my older daughters are super excited about it so I agreed when my friend insisted on throwing me one. I don't need anything but I am very appreciative of whatever gifts I receive. I am excited to celebrate the addition to our family, and to find a way to get my older kids involved.
I think the whole how many kids can you have showers for thing must be geographical, because over here people have them for every baby.
I don't think a shower is a welcome to motherhood deal. That's called childbirth. A shower is a way to celebrate a baby and help prepare for his or her arrival.

OliveOyl2014

tbasinski said:

My friends are throwing me one as it has been 10 years since my last baby. I also have the different father situation going. I honestly don't have much interest in the idea, but my older daughters are super excited about it so I agreed when my friend insisted on throwing me one. I don't need anything but I am very appreciative of whatever gifts I receive. I am excited to celebrate the addition to our family, and to find a way to get my older kids involved.
I think the whole how many kids can you have showers for thing must be geographical, because over here people have them for every baby.
I don't think a shower is a welcome to motherhood deal. That's called childbirth. A shower is a way to celebrate a baby and help prepare for his or her arrival.

I'm not sure how childbirth is considered a welcome to motherhood. Lots of women have multiple children. So when you give birth for the 4th time, that's a welcome to motherhood? A baby shower is a way to help prepare for a baby's arrival. But if you already have children, it's expected that you should have most of the big things that you need. You shouldn't expect friends and family to help you prepare for each child. That's your responsibility. And I'm not talking about your situation specifically with the 10 year gap, just about your statements in general.

LDSJM123

I find nothing in wrong with a second shower (or 'sprinkle' I have seen) if there is a big age gap in kids or if its the fathers first child. A friend of mine had 3 boys in a row and then got pregnant with a girl. Her sister threw her an adorable "sprinkle". I had no problem gifting her and did not feel that she was being "gift grabby". I'm also not much of a traditionalist either  

violetigerlily

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/comment/12606159#Comment_12606159

In my community, second or subsequent showers are the norm and have been since long before I was born.  Regardless of whether or not the word "shower" has to mean showering the mother with gifts (as opposed to support/love etc), culturally here it's always been more about celebrating and anticipating the impending arrival of a new member of the family/community.  While I understand the etiquette rules in general and can see how they would be a great guide to follow if it's the norm for your community or you're mixing different social circles together, they don't always apply in every situation. Certainly planning a shower before the baby arrives at all in some cultures is taboo entirety--we aren't all the same.  I'm having my first so it's a moot point now, but if I turned down offers for a second shower, especially citing etiquette rules, I would actually get side-eyed by my community as being snooty by valuing Miss Manners more highly than their practices (not saying that's what any of you are though--it all depends on your community) and denying them a chance to celebrate.  Just a thought.  If multiple friends are asking you about it and willing to host, and you want to have a shower, it sounds like it's better to go by their feelings in this case than the more strict rules of etiquette and hurt or offend them.  

YogaSandy

violetigerlily said:

In my community, second or subsequent showers are the norm and have been since long before I was born.  Regardless of whether or not the word "shower" has to mean showering the mother with gifts (as opposed to support/love etc), culturally here it's always been more about celebrating and anticipating the impending arrival of a new member of the family/community.  While I understand the etiquette rules in general and can see how they would be a great guide to follow if it's the norm for your community or you're mixing different social circles together, they don't always apply in every situation. Certainly planning a shower before the baby arrives at all in some cultures is taboo entirety--we aren't all the same.  I'm having my first so it's a moot point now, but if I turned down offers for a second shower, especially citing etiquette rules, I would actually get side-eyed by my community as being snooty by valuing Miss Manners more highly than their practices (not saying that's what any of you are though--it all depends on your community) and denying them a chance to celebrate.  Just a thought.  If multiple friends are asking you about it and willing to host, and you want to have a shower, it sounds like it's better to go by their feelings in this case than the more strict rules of etiquette and hurt or offend them.  

Little off topic (I can't bold / don't know how on mobile). In my community showers are usually find after the baby is born. I have heard of one that happened before baby. My mom, even though my sister threw it, asked if I wanted it before or after DS was born. I told her of course after, because if the unthinkable happened, I'd be stuck with all this stuff in my house. I wouldn't have been able to handle that. I also didn't put his furniture (ok, let's be honest, DH put it together but I wouldn't let him any early) until a month before he was born. It was only that early because DH generally works out of town during the week. It had been in the basement for a month (as we live six hours away from any city and bought it when we were out). I barely bought anything until 7-8 months (even then, it was only that early because my mom had me at 32 weeks and I was worried about that). I had a deal with my parents. If anything happened, they would come and take everything away before I got home.

To:Dr - I understand why some cultures view it as taboo to have a shower before baby is born.

I don't agree with second showers - unless it is the dad's first, or a work shower (if she didn't work there with her first).