The Dreaded PND?

emsillick

I've noticed a few of you referencing a 'four month funk' and reporting general feelings of low mood and negative body image. I'm just wondering - if any of you are having/ have had experience of it - whether that's what I'm going through, or if it could be post-natal depression?

I know I should consult my GP, but I am scared for 2 reasons:

1. I've suffered depression before and hated the medication I took and the fact that it made me put on weight, although it did make a difference, I suffered a number of other side effects which I don't want to experience again. Counselling has never worked for me.

2. I'm scared, in some illogical way, that people will think I am an incapable mother or that I'm unfit to look after my child.

I don't ever have thoughts about harming myself or my baby, I adore him and can still find joy in his smile and laughter. I keep him happy, fed, clean and he sleeps well... I'd do anything for him, but I can't seem to do the same for myself.

Most days I just long to be able to stay in bed. I panic when I have to look after my son by myself and count down the minutes until hubby comes home from work, and then I just cry and am horrible to him even though he is lovely to me and does all he can to help.

My boy sleeps 10 hours through the night but I find it impossible to get more than 3 or 4, I can't settle. I wake up and dread the day ahead. I don't want to go outside, talk to friends, get dressed or cook for myself. Most days I stay in pajamas and eat crap, which is totally unlike me as previously I was incredibly healthy, sociable and had lost most of my baby weight. I do the bear minimum I can get away with and mostly just spend the days in silence. I try SO hard for my son, so much so that I am exhausted constantly, even when I manage to nap during the day. I force myself to play and laugh and talk to him but it is an ENORMOUS effort. I don't want to move, think or talk and I just feel numb. Some days it is too much to pretend and I just let him play safely by himself and feel incredibly resentful when he needs me.

I know that I am prone to depressive episodes, and I know the things I need to do to pull myself out of them, but this feels so much worse and more hopeless than any others I've been through and I can't bring myself to even try to get out of it. I feel like the worst, most selfish human-being on the planet and like I am going to be the worst mother for my child.

And yet there are times when I feel fine, or even happy, when I'm with my friends talking about other things or on my own reading a book, or when my son goes to bed and I get to have a bath... But none of them are when I am alone with my son and mostly, I'm happiest when he is napping near me or I am on my own, or someone else is coming to look after him, which rarely ever happens.

I have explained all of this to my other half more than once, yet he asks me on a daily basis 'what's wrong?' or says infuriating things like 'cheer up, it's not all bad,' and I want to scream at him. Sometimes I do. I can't understand why he doesn't get it, and yet I cannot explain it myself. We normally have a great relationship and I love him dearly, but I cannot stand him complaining about work, making jokes or asking things of me at the moment. This just makes me feel worse as he is incredibly sensitive and takes it all to heart, meaning I always feel like the bad guy. I spend my time feeling permanently guilty as I would quite happily let him do everything and work, whilst I disengage from the world and sleep all day. I don't do this of course, but anything more is an intense struggle and I wish he could understand. He tells me all the time I am a great mother, I'm doing fine and functioning perfectly well, but why doesn't he hear me when I tell him that I'm not?

I'm aware this is an incredibly melodramatic, whiny post but I desperately need to vent to someone who knows what I'm going through.

secretbaba

Whilst reading your post, at first I thought you sounded as though you were in fact going through the four month slump, and that getting outside and doing something different (with or without baby) would help. However, reading more into it, perhaps it would benefit you to see your doctor. If only because your own worry about what it may be, may be making you feel even worse. The more you overthink it, the worse you are getting. Hopefully that makes sense.

Edited to say - don't ever feel like you are a Bad mother when you find it hard to cope! You're doing your best and string help is not weakness, it shows strength.

KD32412

My advice is that you should seek some professional help. What you described above does not sound like everyday "baby blues", seems more like depression. Please don't be worried about the side effects and what others will think of you, getting help is what is best for you and your baby.

Your husband sounds wonderful, but sometimes it can be very difficult for others to understand how depression works. Since you have experienced this before, I think you know what you need to do. If possible, look into support groups -you mentioned counseling never worked, but maybe the therapist wasn't a good fit for you.

Again, err on the side of caution and talk to a professional. They can help you decide if you really need medication/therapy. When you look back on this time of your life, you want to remember your sweet baby and all your happy, crazy, funny, loving, amazing first months. Best wishes. *hugs*

murrayce

You're a great mom and doing a great job. Whether it's post partum depression or not, I think it would be a great idea to see a doctor and talk through what might help. Just like how we try to be patient with our demanding little ones as they get used to this world, try to be patient with yourself and how you're feeling. Even if it's not your first baby, you're in a whole new world and adjusting is difficult. Even if on the outside you're handling everything great and have got it together, you may be feeling differently on the inside, and that's ok. Try to be kind to yourself, and know that you're not alone. I say talk to a doctor and see what they recommend and then go from there.

beatlesgal4

I think you've done an excellent job of making observations and of trying to figure out what's going on. It seems like more than a slump to me, but you know yourself better than we do. I understand the fear of visiting your GP and of possibly having to take medication or see someone, and I also understand the worry of seeming like an unfit mother. It's so clear, though, that that does not describe you! You may have to ask yourself if any side effects from a medication are worth it to feel better. You could also explain to your doctor your concerns about your previous medication and see if there's something else you both could try. Depression doesn't have to mean your life is "out of control" which in this case does not seem true. I think a lot of people think about mental illnesses in extremes, but a milder version is still something that can be improved. Just as there are milder and more extreme cases of diabetes, but they all have some sort of treatment, if that makes sense. I hope you know that you are not alone and that you are not any less awesome despite anything you may be going through!

SharLovesAlex

I agree with all PP's...you're a great mother, don't let your emotional state diminish that in any way. But I do think you should seek the help of a doctor. This sounds like more than just a 4 month funk. Just to be on the safe side, I'd contact a doctor. I hope things get better for you.

torie2132

I agree with everyone and just wanted to share support!

I was on anxiety medication before having my baby, but after I had him it wasn't working. At all. Now I'm on a different kind and it's working wonderfully. I was the same way - easy for me to go on downward spirals. I try to stay on top of it. I was on Zoloft right after baby since I tried to nurse. Then back on my old meds. Then I made the change.

Also - Id been feeling extremely fatigued, dreading being alone because of the energy Id have to exert to keep my little guy amused or feeling loved. Sometimes I can barely move Im so tired. Combined with a few other symptoms I went to my GP and found that my iron was extremely low. So low that tomorrow I'm getting an iron infusion. So keep in mind other things can absolutely be wrong. I'm so anemic I'll need two iron infusions and possibly have to remove my birth control insert to stop bleeding. That's been fun too.

Hang in there mamma, you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of him!

emsillick

@torie2132 I didn't think about iron deficiency, though my mum keeps telling me to get it checked.

Thank you all so much for all of your words of encouragement and support, it's good to know that I'm not alone. It comes and goes, but right now it's all the time... I will definitely go to the GP to get checked xx

torie2132

It can have way more of an impact than you'd think. I'm just glad my mom pushed me to go. I was exhausted and really just completely apathetic. I get a lot of help and my baby sleeps 12 hours a night so I'm not only getting a good nights sleep - but down time to paint my nails or work on my meditation coloring book (no really. It's wonderful for my racing thoughts) or just be with my husband. But Id just find myself completely pooped. Having to nap again, it really can snowball.

Besides that just yeah, take care of yourself I even feel like I should practice what I preach. Eating hasn't been my main priority and I take medication for not having my thyroid and I frequently forget those.

You aren't alone. I hope you'll update soon!!

emsillick

Thank you everyone!

Just to update you all, things started to feel worse and worse and the days seemed to stretch endlessly until I just found myself crying every time my baby did. My Mum took me to the GP who have me antidepressants straightaway and asked me to check back in two weeks time, she has also asked my HV to support me through what she has diagnosed as most definitely post-natal depression.

I'm at the point now where I am scared to be alone with my son, not because I think I would ever hurt him or myself, but because I am so incredibly fraught with anxiety all of the time, forgetting stuff and generally not being able to cope that I get too overwhelmed and break down. Not good for anyone. This has happened so quickly, as I was really enjoying motherhood for the first 2-3 months.

So my OH has taken a little time out of work to help me through what I hope will be the worst of it, whilst I am starting the medication and seeking help. He is a lot more relaxed now that he understands the diagnosis and that he isn't to blame. I feel so much more at ease with him around.

I won't lie, the particular meds I am taking have dreadful side effects for the few hours after I have taken them, but after that just make me feel tired and slightly nauseas- apparently this is normal, as it is just the body adjusting, but it's not the case for everyone.

Looking forward to getting better and embracing, and enjoying, motherhood and my beautiful son again.