Help with husband

marikkita12

my husband is terrified about becoming a dad because babies scare him. He says he's excited about having a toddler and teaching them to ride bikes etc etc but babies make him uneasy. Do you have any suggestions for a book I could give him that might help him deal with his baby anxiety and maybe prepare him to be a dad. I apologize if this topic has been brought up in the past but I can't search through old threads on the app. Thank you for all your help and advice.

lotsofsunshine

I wish I had advice for you. All I know is once that baby is in his arms, it all changes. They says moms become moms the moment they know they are expecting. But dad's become dad's when they meet the baby. That doesnt help at all, I'm sorry. Hope some of the other ladies on here know how to help. Good luck.

ska8471

I don't have great, life changing advice either...but I agree with PP in some ways when she mentions that "dads become dads when they meet the baby." I think the fear of the unknown just takes over a little. 

I did come across this on pinterest the other day: https://www.parents.com/parenting/dads/101/pregnancy-books-for-dads/#page=2

Might be helpful? I've not read any or shown the list to my husband but maybe you might find something helpful? Maybe show him the "Dads" message boards here on TB, if he'll read them? Pinterest in general has some decent links to expectant dad advice, etc. 

Hopefully some one pops up who can offer you some same-life-experience advice!

satuttle1014

I don't think there is a book or advice that will necessarily help. My DH before I was pregnant and now is like I hope I'm a good dad, I don't know anything about babies, etc. and I'm like well neither do I. Dad's become dads when they actually see the baby. DH was super nervous about me being pregnant but I feel like each day/week he gets more and more excited. I think he just has to get used to the idea and as the process goes along he be less scared/nervous.

lalala2004

Do you have any friends or family members with little babies? He might feel a little more comfortable if he gets to hold one and doesn't break it. The more babies my DH has held, the more comfortable he has gotten with the idea of having a little baby.

meggyme

lalala2004 said:

Do you have any friends or family members with little babies? He might feel a little more comfortable if he gets to hold one and doesn't break it. The more babies my DH has held, the more comfortable he has gotten with the idea of having a little baby.

I second this. Once he sees that they're not as fragile as men think he'll be a little more secure. Maybe have him talk to other dad friends that may have felt similarly. Also, unless you adopt you never get a toddler to play catch with unless you first have the infant.

marikkita12

Update: I found two books at Barnes and noble that have a chapter specifically on dealing with the anxiety that comes with becoming a dad and answered a lot of the questions he's been dealing with. As far as playing with babies, my bff has an 11 month old and he plays with her all the time and has since she was born. Hopefully the books help and he can get back on my timeline and hopefully get me KU this month. His sister is getting married in June and we are both in the wedding party so we kind of need to be there and I would hate to fly across the country super pregnant or freshly popped

Disneygeek77

Honestly, I would echo his feelings back to him and say " Yup, I know.  I'm scared too.  Babies are scary.  We will just have to be scared together.""

als1982

I think you're overthinking this.  He's allowed to be scared.  Heck, babies scare me too.  Just let his comfort come at his own pace, without pushing it.

lalala2004

als1982 said:

I think you're overthinking this.  He's allowed to be scared.  Heck, babies scare me too.  Just let his comfort come at his own pace, without pushing it.

It's not like she's saying he isn't allowed to be scared. She wants to help ease his anxiety. What's wrong with that? Nothing wrong with being proactive. Basically telling her to ignore what she perceives as a problem with possible solutions isn't exactly helpful advice.

als1982

lalala2004 said:

als1982 said:

I think you're overthinking this.  He's allowed to be scared.  Heck, babies scare me too.  Just let his comfort come at his own pace, without pushing it.

It's not like she's saying he isn't allowed to be scared. She wants to help ease his anxiety. What's wrong with that? Nothing wrong with being proactive. Basically telling her to ignore what she perceives as a problem with possible solutions isn't exactly helpful advice.

It doesn't sound like his fear is a roadblock in their having children, thus it's not something I would push or worry about.  Honestly, if my husband handed me a stack of books to read in such a manner as has been suggested, I'd just find it annoying and somewhat condescending.  It's his fear.  Let him figure it out.  Let him be the proactive one, if that's what HE wants.  And my advice is helpful.  It's just different than yours.

Xstatic3333

marikkita12 said:

Update: I found two books at Barnes and noble that have a chapter specifically on dealing with the anxiety that comes with becoming a dad and answered a lot of the questions he's been dealing with. As far as playing with babies, my bff has an 11 month old and he plays with her all the time and has since she was born. Hopefully the books help and he can get back on my timeline and hopefully get me KU this month. His sister is getting married in June and we are both in the wedding party so we kind of need to be there and I would hate to fly across the country super pregnant or freshly popped

My H is also less comfortable with the baby stage. I plan to deal with that by delegating and letting him do some things his own way once we have a LO. Of course, I'll be a FTM so who knows what could really happen.

Re. your timeline, just wanted to make sure you're aware that many airlines won't allow you to fly in your third tri, or you may need a doctor's note (which you can only get if everything is going perfectly). I'm a firm believer that weddings aren't a reason to delay TTC unless you want them to be, but wanted to make sure you knew. We all only have a 20% chance each month even with perfect timing. GL!

marikkita12

His fear is being a bit of a roadblock I the sense that he's avoiding sex altogether. I finished my period on Tuesday of last week and we have only had sex once (we averaged eod before ttc) and he freaked himself out and stopped halfway through. I obviously want him to be comfortable with the idea and I'm not going to push him but I want to do everything in my power to help him reach that level of comfort sooner rather than later.

Edited because I fail at using quotes

Disneygeek77

To go along with what @als1982 is saying, I wouldn't try to give him books as I honestly don't think that will help.  I think it will only cause his anxiety to get worse or may even lead to resentment and shame.  I believe first he just has to acknowledge that being scared of having a new baby is scary and is very normal and common and he isn't alone in his feelings.  Heck, even when we were trying for our fourth baby, we were still scared about how all the things that could go wrong and how having another baby will effect our lives, but we still did it.  We just did it scared.  

FWIW, our first child actually passed away when she was four months old.  She had several birth defects and spent her entire life in the hospital.  When we discussed trying for a second baby, I was terrified.  I was scared of the same birth defects happening again, I was terrified of a different set of problems and I was mostly terrified of losing another child.  I don't even know what I wanted at that time,  maybe for the heavens to part and for God to exclaim from the heavens that all was good and we can go ahead and try for another baby.  But one thing I did know is I didn't appreciate people trying to tell me not to worry or  be scared and everything was going to be ok.  I wanted to yell " Are you kidding me ?  I know first hand how sometimes everything doesn't work out ok, so don't tell me that." The best advice was from my mother.  I was telling her how scared I was to have another baby as I didn't think I could handle anything going wrong at all.  She then told me that it was ok to be scared and I was just going to have to go through it scared.  She obviously couldn't tell me that everything was going to be ok and obviously I wasn't going to get some divine message that the new baby would be healthy.  I was simply going to have to go through it scared.  She was right.  Once I embraced my fears and anxieties instead of ignoring them or shoving them down, I started to feel a little bit better and had to go into every Dr appointment and every ultrasound knowing that I might find out bad news that day. It was actually quite freeing.  Luckily, all went well and I had a healthy baby and then another healthy baby and another healthy baby.  

So this is my advice to you.  Acknowledge his feelings, let him be free to feel his emotions in front of you and make sure he feels free to talk to you freely without fear of judgement or trying to fix him or cheer him up or that his fears aren't real.  Just listen to him, but most of all let him know he isn't alone.  

Xstatic3333

I think @Disneygeek77 has spot on advice. Also, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you had to go through.

If it's as bad as you say, books could make him feel pressured. Maybe talk with him a bit more about his fears, or offer to wait a month or two if he's really having a rough time. I hate to say it but it sounds like he's not 100% ready, although sometimes it just takes one panic moment to push someone over the hump into feeling more ready (with life in general, not just babies).