Baby dust? A poll.... (trigger warning?)

VTKatie

First, this is not meant to offend. I am just trying to get a grasp on this. Let me start off by saying I have never used the phrase. I find it completely douchey. But I saw some very intense responses with regards to the use of the term, and it caught me off guard. I understand there are a lot of sensitive people that participate on these boards, and many that have lost children. But is the term "baby dust" ever actually associated to a lost child? I lost my mom a few years ago and she was cremated and I never think of her as "mom dust", it just seems very strange to me......what are your thoughts on the term?

hboaz

Why does it matter? And why, if you are aware that people here may find it offensive, would you make an entire post dedicated to it?

Malibu45

?

RiverSong15

Every community has their own culture around this term. On this community, it is considered very offensive. Regardless of your own personal views, the culture of the community is what matters. Would you walk into a friend's house and deliberately do something that offends them just because you personally don't find it offensive? No? Then don't do it here.

letyourheartbeyourguide

It's late and I have a headache, but I don't understand why you're making a poll for this. There are people on this board who have said they are personally offended and upset by this term. It doesn't matter to me if that's 3% of the board or 99%. Whether or not I'm personally offended, I respect the feelings of those who have expressly indicated the term is offensive and wouldn't use it at all. I didn't even like seeing it in the title of the post.

hboaz

VTKatie said:

First, this is not meant to offend. I am just trying to get a grasp on this. Let me start off by saying I have never used the phrase. I find it completely douchey. But I saw some very intense responses with regards to the use of the term, and it caught me off guard. I understand there are a lot of sensitive people that participate on these boards, and many that have lost children. But is the term "baby dust" ever actually associated to a lost child? I lost my mom a few years ago and she was cremated and I never think of her as "mom dust", it just seems very strange to me......what are your thoughts on the term?

Also, QFP.

RiverSong15

Malibu45 said:

I assumed it was a term just meant to give you good luck while TTC?? I guess I was wrong?

It is considered offensive to loss moms who had to cremate their children; their babies are literally dust. Regardless of the intent behind the term, it is considered offsensive on this site.

Also, I'm side-eyeing the people who voted that they think ppl are just trying to start shit...

ETA: spelling and mobile don't mix well...

VTKatie

hboaz said:

Why does it matter? And why, if you are aware that people here may find it offensive, would you make an entire post dedicated to it?

Because I have been a member of TB community for years and want to know people's honest opinions' on the matter.  People get offended for a myriad of reasons and I just want to understand where it comes from. 

Malibu45

I had no idea I'm sorry. I used to be on a different site and people used it to give good luck vibes while TTC

Everycol0r

Malibu45 said:

?

Why the dirty delete?

Malibu45

Because I wanted to take it back after I realized what it meant on this site. It wasn't a dirty delete. I had an honest question.

hboaz

VTKatie said:

hboaz said:

Why does it matter? And why, if you are aware that people here may find it offensive, would you make an entire post dedicated to it?

Because I have been a member of TB community for years and want to know people's honest opinions' on the matter.  People get offended for a myriad of reasons and I just want to understand where it comes from. 

You know where it comes from. You said so in your original post. Even if only one person found it offensive, don't you think it's rather insensitive to make an entire post about it, knowing full well that that term is not appreciated here?

VTKatie

RiverSong15 said:

Every community has their own culture around this term. On this community, it is considered very offensive. Regardless of your own personal views, the culture of the community is what matters. Would you walk into a friend's house and deliberately do something that offends them just because you personally don't find it offensive? No? Then don't do it here.

And this is the type of response I am looking for. Just an explanation of feelings around why things like this are/aren't accepted.  I am not looking for justification. 

LadyMillil

I try not to offend people in my day to day life. That means I sometimes avoid doing or saying things that I do not find offensive because I know the people I'm interacting with are bothered by the term or actions. I've never been pregnant so I can't begin to imagine the pain one feels when they've lost a child and if I can make it easier for anyone dealing with loss then why on earth wouldn't I avoid doing things that I know upsets them. Like pp I respect the feelings of others on thr board and would never use this term. It doesn't matter to me how many people dislike the term or why they dislike it. It makes me angry to see it in the title of this post.

KyCat

letyourheartbeyourguide

VTKatie said:

People get offended for a myriad of reasons and I just want to understand where it comes from. 

But you know the connotation of the term, so you know where it comes from. I'm not saying that this is your intention, but it comes across as dismissive. When the people who have the direct experience of something - whether it's cremating a baby or anything else - tell me their thoughts and feelings on it, I trust them. If they say something is offensive, I believe them and respect that. It's totally irrelevant if I personally get it or relate.

Sometimes people don't know the connotation of it (like those other sites where it's tossed around like rainbows and sprinkles), but once you learn otherwise I cannot understand continuing to use the term.

edit: block quote fail

AL_TwinCities

Everycol0r

Malibu45 said:

Because I wanted to take it back after I realized what it meant on this site. It wasn't a dirty delete. I had an honest question.

When you delete your original post = dirty delete. Doesn't matter if it's an honest, asinine, silly, or legitimate question.

It's considered rude. You've already been quoted so it didn't matter anyways.

Malibu45

So sorry I was rude

VTKatie

Once, again, I don't use the term, nor am I justifying it's use.  I am just trying to understand if it's actually offensive, or if a select few are  trying to stir up drama whenever possible. Last year I was a very active participant on the TB and people used this term on multiple boards. It's only been since I came back over the last month that I have seen this negative response to it.  I am not condoning it's use, just wondering where it came from.

ecmb

*ticker warning*



What was the point in this post? People find it offensive. End of story.

Everycol0r

Malibu45 said:

So sorry I was rude

Your original post didn't have anything wrong with it, just to let you know. You asked a fair question & leaving it there would have helped others who had the same question/thought.

kerismatic

VTKatie said:

RiverSong15 said:

Every community has their own culture around this term. On this community, it is considered very offensive. Regardless of your own personal views, the culture of the community is what matters. Would you walk into a friend's house and deliberately do something that offends them just because you personally don't find it offensive? No? Then don't do it here.

And this is the type of response I am looking for. Just an explanation of feelings around why things like this are/aren't accepted.  I am not looking for justification. 




You already know the explanation! You're creating unnecessary drama and offending people in the process. Cut the crap.

Edit to try to fix block quote

hboaz

Yes, we picked a random term and deemed it "offensive" just to stir up drama. You caught us.

WTAF

letyourheartbeyourguide

VTKatie said:

Once, again, I don't use the term, nor am I justifying it's use.  I am just trying to understand if it's actually offensive, or if a select few are  trying to stir up drama whenever possible. Last year I was a very active participant on the TB and people used this term on multiple boards. It's only been since I came back over the last month that I have seen this negative response to it.  I am not condoning it's use, just wondering where it came from.

But why is "stir up shit" an option? You're negating people's feelings. It's like saying, I know people have said they're offended but it's not offensive to *me* so they must be trying to start drama. How about this - I'm white, but when a person of color says they're offended by a particular word/phrase I don't run around saying "but it doesn't bother me! stop starting shit!"

And why would someone fake being insulted to start shit? They're much better off posting a pee stick and asking if they're KU.

Lulucooks

It's so horribly offensive. Thankfully I have never had to deal with such tragedy, but even when I heard/read it before knowing that it could be construed as an offensive term it was cringe worthy. Because that is not how babies are made. No dust is involved. No fairies. No sprinkles. It doesn't feel like you are wishing me luck, it makes me feel like we are all 12 years old playing a MASH game. Fairy tale and fantasy will not get me pregnant. It's an offensive and asinine term. We are better then that. And then to make a thread all about it seems even more insensitive, because you knew what the term was associated with. It's not a topic that should be voted on.

lalala2004

This thread and poll is beyond pointless. This is goIng to cause more drama than the issue with the term ever could. What were you actually thinking, OP? Where did you really expect this to go? You already knew why people said the term was potentially offensive!

For what it's worth, I never even heard the term until coming here and learning it could be offensive. I'm personally offended by how idiotic it sounds more than anything else.

mrsespigreen

OP, if even one person find the term offensive because they said it reminded them of their LO they cremated, I feel like as a community we shouldn't use it out of respect. To make a whole poll out of this and to even ask makes me feel like you are belittling someone's actual loss, one that I have personal gone through 

VTKatie

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

letyourheartbeyourguide

VTKatie said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

Are you even reading what people commented? You've basically just confirmed what I said before, the phrase doesn't bother *you* so you think it's stupid if it bothers other people. How is that supportive?

mrsespigreen

VTKatie said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

A)I know I didn't vote and am sure many didn't out of principal

no one use it to refer it to their lost child because its offensive

C) clearly after what many said about this poll and this was your comeback? I don't think you belong here if you are still not getting the point

hboaz

VTKatie said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

We do get your point. Sure it's a stupid term and you are more than likely correct that no one would actually use that term to refer to the loss of their child. But could hearing that term still remind someone of their loss? Yes, it could.

As you said, for a "group that is supposed to be supportive" you are clearly not supporting those that have expressed their desire for this term not to be used here. Please, let's just drop this and move on already.

Lulucooks

VTKatie said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

But even if they dont, it can conjure an image that is upsetting. It can turn a normal day of bumping into a painful reminder of something that no parent should ever have to go through, but unfortunately do. Why would you want to remind someone of that? I can't imagine the depths of hell I would go through if something happened to a child of mine. My heart aches for people who've had such a loss. I would never want, even unintentionally, to bring that to the forefront of someone's mind; because I'm quite sure it never really leaves your thoughts.

Edit typos.

Also, I went back and voted in your horrid poll, which I previously didn't even want to be a part of, so that maybe the "it's offensive" out numbers the "it's lame" since you seem to think that it's more lame then offensive

Everycol0r

VTKatie said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

Maybe you should do this poll over on the loss board (I'm being facetious, absolutely don't do that) and see how many of them find it to be a "stupid" term. Do you not understand that all sorts of people lurk on this board that are not "part" of the TTGP community?

I had never heard of baby dust before this this site but once I saw that THIS... THIS community AS A WHOLE found it offensive I made sure to never use it. Because like you stated, this is a suppose to be a supportive community and I support and respect my fellow members who have had the tragic horror of loosing their sweet babies.

This poll is offensive.

ETA: Since when does the minority dictate to the majority?

Daybird11Six

Everycol0r said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

Maybe you should do this poll over on the loss board (I'm being facetious, absolutely don't do that) and see how many of them find it to be a "stupid" term. Do you not understand that all sorts of people lurk on this board that are not "part" of the TTGP community? I had never heard of baby dust before this this site but once I saw that THIS... THIS community AS A WHOLE found it offensive I made sure to never use it. Because like you stated, this is a suppose to be a supportive community and I support and respect my fellow members who have had the tragic horror of loosing their sweet babies. This poll is offensive.

ecmb

VTKatie said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

Of course no one uses this term to refer to the loss of their child!!!!!!!!

It is offensive bc it REMINDS them of the loss of their child(ren) and creates a horrific image for a painful experience.

People are not being "corrected" when they use it bc others find it "lame" and want to "stir up drama." They correct people bc it is a horribly offensive term and is disrespectful to those who have had losses in this community.

I find this entire thread, it's topic and your attitude toward it to be incredibly insensitive.

VTKatie

Daybird11Six said:

Everycol0r said:

I am glad to see most people in the poll are like me, in the "lame" camp.   But I do think most people are missing my point. In a group that is supposed to be supportive, I think there are a lot more legitimized things to correct than a stupid term that nobody actually uses to refer to the loss of their child.

Maybe you should do this poll over on the loss board (I'm being facetious, absolutely don't do that) and see how many of them find it to be a "stupid" term. Do you not understand that all sorts of people lurk on this board that are not "part" of the TTGP community? I had never heard of baby dust before this this site but once I saw that THIS... THIS community AS A WHOLE found it offensive I made sure to never use it. Because like you stated, this is a suppose to be a supportive community and I support and respect my fellow members who have had the tragic horror of loosing their sweet babies. This poll is offensive.

BUT this isn't a loss board, it's a board about trying to get pregnant. And if you have experienced a loss, and are lurking on a board about women trying to get pregnant, I imagine your skin is thick enough that some stupid term isn't going to wreck your entire day.  If I had posted this on the loss board, I could understand the backlash.

I stand by my thought that this is a ridiculous thing to call someone out on, and just one more way to turn off new participants.  I was here before most of you, I chose not to leave after the mass exodus.  If this poll is SO offensive and disgusts you so much, prepare for motherhood. You will need skin a lot thicker than that.

Everycol0r

And you assume just because this isn't a loss board there are no ladies on here who have had a loss?

Everycol0r

I could tag so many people who post here on TTGP in this thread that have had a known loss, one of which had a very, very late term loss. Many of these ladies float the TTGP & Loss board.

VTKatie

So many post its....lol.

ecmb

@VTKatie
For someone who says they've been a member for sooooo long you sure missed some important etiquette around here.

There are more people on TTGP (that aren't just lurking but are actually trying to get pregnant) that have had a loss than there are that have not. They're on this board because their babies died and they're still trying to GET and STAY pregnant.

Just don't use the term and respect others. How hard is that?

And if you're looking for a community here, I'd consider this a FAIL.