NWMR: DH vent

mommymegan831

I know this board is dead now, but I really could use some anonymous feedback.  I'm just so pissed off right now and I'd like to know if I'm just a crazy B who, as DH puts it, complains about everything, or if my issues are valid.

1) A little backstory, I'll try not to rant too much.  Since having children 5 1/2 years ago my DH has become very devoted to his parents.  They're about 10 min away and although we used to see them once a month, now its weekly.  This close relationship really irks me because we're still not that close, they still totally favor their other children/ grandchildren, because they're there 4-5 times a week and totally take advantage of my inlaws for daily free child care and meals.  Since having children DH will go away for a night here are there but, except last year when the 4 of us went on a cruise, he will only go on vacation with his family, when 8 adults and 4 kids rent a townhouse down the shore.  I've never been a fan of this vacation, I'd rather us all get a hotel room in the same complex, but I've lost that battle and we go every year.  Because we keep different hours then the rest of them (we actually put our kids to bed before 10)  we get a downstairs bedroom and everyone else is on the 3rd floor.  The bedrooom has 1 twin bed and a queen.  My daughter, now 5, slept in the twin, while my son, now 3 slept with us.  This year the unit we usually get was booked so we have a different unit in the complex.  The set up of this room is 2 twin beds and a futon.  I'd say we all have athletic body types, none of us are over weight, but none of us are supper thin.  My husband is over 6' and each child is very tall, both over 90 or 95% for their height.  Am I wrong to think this isn't going to work and we need another bed?  I have slept with my kids in their twin beds, but as a middle of the night I just need to sleep sort of thing, I don't see how this is going to work as my week's sleeping arrangement.

2) (much more simple!)  DH came home yesterday and said he was going to paint the living room.  There are many rooms in our house that could use a fresh coat of paint, I really didn't think the living room was one.  I really liked the nice light shade of blue we had painted it.  Today my husband comes home with a gallon of white paint.  I explained, nicely, I really didn't want the room painted, to which he responded too bad I'm doing it.  Then set up shop and painted while our kids were running around and I'm trying to get dinner done.  I don't like the white.  I think it's going to get dirty and dingy, and I really liked the color we had.  What I'm even more pissed off about is that he didn't care what I had to say.  People spend weeks picking out paint, and home owners typically choose colors rather than blah genetic white.  I never bring it up, but I make more money than he does, although I'm off in the summer and I think he gets jealous of that and thinks I should be doing stuff for him and the house all day rather than spending time with the kids, so this is just as much my house as it is his and I'm beyond pissed that he'd do this without caring about what I have to say at all.

So, am I over reacting?

SharonB222

I understand your vent BTDT and your are reacting to something and it's an overreaction to those issues. IMHO you have real concerns that are not those. Maybe you touch on it with "he didn't care what I had to say." Time to think about what you really want and start making requests! I have been reading "Playful Parenting" and I think it would equally apply to Playful Spousing. Sure we get angry, really angry, but even so it can be turned around playfully when we are aware of the underlying issue (and it's done so kindly and the other person doesn't feel mocked). Easier said than done. Now that I am getting a bit more sleep I can imagine I might do this for myself some.

For the paint, I could imagine (in a kind, playful way) repeatedly moving it to a room I want painted, hiding it, or switching it out to a color I want, or giving the kids a go at it (I hear paint is much more washable now)... if I had it in me, I would help DH paint if he promised to paint the other rooms and then we'd all go out to eat. Like I said, I can imagine. On a bad day I would just say he didn't care about me and kick a hole in the wall... er, not that I've ever done that.

My DH is from a different culture and his mother and aunts cook for their adult children and grandchildren every day - it's completely normal. We're the odd ones that we moved away and don't expect that when we visit. If the two Twins and futon won't work, put any offense aside and make a request in a we-can-work-this-out way. I was worried about the situation at my sister's - our relationship is strained and I (or was it DH?) suggested we get a hotel to avoid the issue - but my sister said we'd work it out and the 2 Full beds were fine; she and her BFF camped outside with the girls (boys upstairs, parents downstairs).

You are obviously frustrated and I totally get that. BTDT - for me it often correlates with sleep and stress. In those times I say to my DH, "I told you the engine oil was low and asked you to change it -a week ago- and you haven't and it's running poorly now -something could happen to me and the kids- why didn't you do it when I asked?" Instead I was relatively rested and said, "The car is now running poorly, when can you take it in for an oil change?" He must have been rested also, b/c his response was, "Tuesday". There is a God. Wishing you better too!

VOR

I think your issue here is that your DH doesn't really seem to care about what you want/think.  I hate to jump to it, but I really have to think that you all might benefit from some counseling. 

YOU should have a say in how you spend your vacation.  It sounds like you're willing to go on the trip w his family - you just want your own space where your family actually has room and don't all have to sleep in one room.  The fact that he prioritizes actually being IN the same house w/ his parents vs the comfort of his family (you and the kids) speaks volumes.

Same with the paint.  He's giving you a huge middle finger here.  To just go paint a room when he very clearly knows you like it the way it is??? 

I don't know- I think you all have deeper issues here and I htink you need outside help to bring them up and to work through them.

CarrieB.

The vacation wouldn't bother me as much. One kid could sleep on the floor on a blow up mattress. But the paint would seriously piss me off. Why doesn't your opinion count on paint color? You share the living room. And if he really wanted it white, couldn't be at least involved you and let you help choose the specific color. Personally I prefer a little off white with a warmer tone. If he disregards your opinion frequently, either he's not listening or doesn't care, which sounds very difficult.