I really did not expect it to hit me this hard this month. I had told my husband that it would be okay either way. When ever God was ready to give us another child we would be ready and until then content. Having my period show up yesterday was a hard blow. I want to know what I did not do this that that we did last that worked. I know I may not have ovulated when I thought I did. I know medically my body could have done something odd and I also know that this period is awful. The cramps are intense. The mood swings are awful. And the pain in my heart is really. I just really want this baby. My baby. I want the baby that we lost. I want my life back. I need to know this pain and heart ache and emptiness will get better. One of my friends had her d&c yesterday and that has brought up a lot of emotions as well. The hospital I work for tired to call me in to work on our OB floor for a few hours today.. I couldn't do it. I cant face that floor. And if I am being honest with myself I am bitter to the mother that holds her new born. I can't do that. Not yet. Sorry I feel like that has been one big ramble of thoughts but it feel so much better just to feel like even one person it listening to me.