Just want to feel better :(

mt1403

Hello everyone...I have been looking through a lot of your post for the past month and I first want to say to each and every one of you that I am deeply sorry for your losses. I have felt so alone in this entire process and even though it sucks to be on here, it helps to know that there are others who truly understand what it feels like. I thought that I would be better by now but I am having such a hard time and I didn't know where else to turn. Here's my story...(I apologize now if this is too long or I start ranting but I just need to get this out before I lose my mind). My entire life, the only thing that I've been 100% sure of was the fact that I want to be a mother and my biggest fear in life has always been that I may never become one. If it were only up to me, I would have had 10 kids by now but my DH who likes to think logically felt that we weren't ready to start a family quite yet and I reluctantly agreed after putting up a good fight. Early this year, we finally decided that we were ready and started TTC. I was so excited and hopeful and couldn't wait to see a BFP. This past May, something just felt different and I thought that we had finally conceived. I became pretty obsessed with testing during the TWW and was testing pretty much everyday even though I knew it would be negative because it was just too early. On May 27th, I was 12DPO and I woke up early to test because I figured at 12 DPO there was a slightly higher chance that I would see a BFP. I took a First Response test and set my timer for 3 minutes and waited. When the timer went off I was sure that I would see a negative but there it was, a faint second line that was dark enough that I didn't have to squint or tilt the test at a weird angle to see it better. I immediately broke into tears and started shaking while staring at the test. I couldn't believe it, I was pregnant. I pulled myself together and got ready for work. I was in the best mood and had a great day at work. I hadn't told anyone about the positive test yet because I obviously wanted to tell my DH first but I wanted to tell him in a cute way so I needed some time to go to the store and pick up some things. When I finally told my DH we were both over the moon excited and couldn't wait to start telling people but we only chose to tell a few of our really close friends. All of our family lives out of state and we didn't want to tell them over the phone so they didn't know yet. For the next few days, I have no idea why but I kept taking tests in the morning. I guess it was fun to see a BFP come up, however, about a few days after my first BFP I started noticing that the second line was still faint and not getting any darker. In fact, it looked fainter than the previous ones. Just to ease my mind, I took a Digital and it said I was pregnant so that made me feel better. I did some research online and asked a close friend and everyone kept telling me that a line was a line regardless of how faint it was. I had already made my appointment with my doctor and figured I would ask when I saw her. Six days after my first BFP, I went to the bathroom and noticed a little brown discharge when I wiped. I just figured it was implantation and read everywhere that brown discharge in early pregnancy was completely normal so I did not see any reason to worry. Exactly one week after my BFP, I woke up with horrible cramps and when I went to the bathroom had bright red blood just as it it were AF. I immediately started crying. I was devastated and couldn't believe this was happening. I was told I had just experienced a chemical pregnancy. I had never heard of that before and was just told "It's very common and happens in most first time pregnancies, don't worry at least you know you can get pregnant". Are you kidding me? That's it? If this is so common why have I never heard of it? My heart was broken and I didn't know how I would get past this. Fast forward to today and it has been a little over a month since my chemical (here comes the venting). I have good days and bad days but I can't get over being angry about what happened. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant and it is killing me. At work there is a girl that just had a baby girl a few weeks ago, one just had her baby shower and is due next month and another friend of mine just found out she's having a girl. I really want to be happy for them because they are my friends, but it kills me to constantly have to hear about this baby talk all the time. I want to be a good friend and I told the girl closest to me about what happened. She is 18 weeks along. Her and I got married two days apart so we planned our weddings together and always thought it would be fun if we got pregnant at the same time. She knew about my BFP and we were so excited that we started planning on taking classes together and going shopping together, everything was going to be perfect and our little munchkins would grow up a few weeks apart. When I had the chemical, I knew that being around her would be the hardest. I felt it was important to be honest with her about how I was feeling and being the good friend that I am I told her that yes I was sad and sometimes I didn't want to talk about her pregnancy. She also used to send me a bump picture every week but I asked nicely if she would please stop that until I was emotionally ready. She was very understanding and supportive and agreed. I told her I wanted her to enjoy and celebrate her pregnancy and that I didn't want her to feel like she had to walk on eggshells when she was around me. It was been so hard especially now that she is showing and she just found out she was having a girl and now that's all everyone talks about at work. Since not a lot of people at work knows about what happened, I keep getting asked, how's the baby making coming along? I don't want to feel angry but I do. I find myself crying and screaming and asking why did she get to keep her baby and I didn't? I just want my baby back. It's not fair and I don't understand what I did wrong. I apologize to my baby and ask for their forgiveness that I couldn't keep them with me. I feel so lost and I hate the fact that a lot of people minimize the loss by saying "well at least it was early" or "it was just a bunch of cells". I try to tell myself those things to lessen the hurt but I can't. That was my baby and I want it back. I don't want to celebrate anyone's pregnancy right now and I don't feel like I should apologize for that. My DH hasn't been as supportive as I was hoping. I don't know if he just doesn't know what to say or if it's his way of coping, but he's one of the ones that said "at least it was early, we will try again". The truth is I'm terrified of trying again. What if it happens again? I don't want to talk about this with my friends or family because everyone feels like I should be over it and moving on by now. Am I being over dramatic? I put on my I'm okay face but I am dying inside. I think about it all the time and break down a lot. I just want to feel better I'm sorry again for this being so long. Best wishes to everyone!

rachrobertson

I am so sorry for your loss. How early you lost your baby should not minimize your loss. He/she was still your baby and you already had big plans for their arrival and your future. I have found that miscarriage is a very lonely group to be part of. Even having others that loved your baby too around, doesn't really ease the pain because that was YOUR baby, not theirs, so their pain will never be like yours. I am expecting again and my mc seemed to cause a healthy baby boom for everyone around us. We haven't announced yet, and I am surprised by how angry I am that everyone else is so comfortable pushing their healthy pregnancy in my face knowing what we just went through. For all they know, we are still TTC after our loss and still don't filter around us. Makes me so mad. So, nothing I say will make you feel better, maybe it will make you feel less crazy for feeling how you feel, but, miscarriage sucks and we will never be the same person we were again. My SO had a different way of dealing with the loss than I did too and that was difficult. Sorry again for your loss.

MamaBish

I am so sorry. A loss is a loss no matter when it happens. Take as much time as you need. It's not always something a person can get over, sometimes it's just something we have to live with and get used to feeling. I will never be over it and I am unapologetic about it. Do what you need to do for you. ((Hugs))

JMagana

Im very sorry for your loss its never easy at any stage.My husband and I TTC for a year and a half before we conceived but we miscarried at 3 weeks. After my first miscarriage I was told something on this site by one of the wonderful ladies and that it "the moment you see those pink lines or a happy face whatever it is, you become a mother " and those words were dead on. Because most of us have planned half of our childs life by week one of knowing. I completely emphasize with you when you say everyone is pregnant around you. Its tough when everyone is due but you. I currently have 8 friends that are expecting right now one of which I also work with and her due date was very close to mine, although im trilled its a bit over whelming. My husband I just had our second miscarriage 5 days ago we were at 7 weeks this time. The most unfortunate part of pregnancy is how common miscarriages are the percentage is pretty high during your first trimester i believe 20-25% . It goes down in your second trimester but miscarriages happen for a multitude of reasons sometimes the baby isnt developing as he or she should so your body will terminate on its own. Sometimes its environment are you under extreme stress ? Etc.... in my case the 1st miscarriage was most likely due to the fact the dr found out i had very low progesterone levels. Progesterone levels are important because it has to do with the lining of your uterus making it a a happy safe home for your growing baby. Most the time we will never know what causes the miscarriage its fusturating and scary. Let yourself grieve and there isn't a certain time frame to go by. I found this site is really helpful but also friends and family are great support i dont know if you have that available but if you do use them for support. I made our baby a small memorial by our weeping willow tree the memorial helped it was special to give the baby something to know he or she wont be forgotten and I have a place to go visit my little peanut. There is always a chance for a miscarriage but I hope you are able to get to a point where you feel you are ready to try again I hope your fear wont stop you and I do understand that fear to loose another baby but my desire to be a mother is stronger. I wish you all the best in your journey to become a mother. Know you are not alone

humest2

I am in the same boat with the rest of the ladies here and i pray that all of us will get thru this tragic event sooner than later. My horror story started when i went for my supposedly 10 week + 2 days prenatal appt and 1st US (this was my first pregnancy ever). Everything was fine until the us, when the us tech advised us the gestational sac was only measuring 6weeks and 4days and she didn't see a heartbeat. The tech used the wording "we were in a black hole period" and would just have to wait and see what happens. Then I was going for HCG bloodwork every 2 days to monitor my levels, slowly but surely my levels were dropping dramatically. I miscarried my baby yesterday at 13 weeks and 2 days, even though my baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks my body still retained my pregnancy for 13+weeks. Which is a bit unbelievable to me, I just can't believe my body held on to a non viable pregnancy that long. I am still confused on what/how to feel about this situation...I kinda feel as if my body was playing a trick on me this whole time. I just pray for better days for all of us who've had to go thru this and hopefully our bundle of joy will come in the near future. You are definitely not wrong, I feel the exact same way about everybody else being pregnant except me. Sometimes I think its wrong for me to feel that way, but I can't help it.