Visitation?

ErinLily44

I had been going out with my boyfriend for a year when I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 so it wasn't the best thing but I already have a son called Blake. My boyfriend treated Blake like his own son and loved spending time with him. He moved in with me and things were going so well. I was completely in love with him and I thought he was too. When I told him he said he needed some time to think about it. I understood cause it was big news and he was only 21 so I didn't want to rush him. When I came back from work most of his things were gone and there was a note explaining how he couldn't cope and it was too much to deal with. I was heart broken and because I now had no money coming in to pay my rent I had to move in with my mum. I really needed a job but I'm unemployable as I'm pregnant and have no qualifications. The father of Blake doesn't pay any child support either. Last month I got a text from my ex-boyfriend saying that he wanted to be a part of his child's life. He made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me but wanted to help raise his child. This was such a shock as I wasn't even going to ask for child support from him. I got him to meet up with me over lunch (thanks to advice from you guys) and he told me what he wanted. He said he's happy to pay child support but only for his child, not Blake. He also wants to meet his child a few times a week and wants to be there for the birth. I got some legal advice but can't get much more as I lack the money to pay for it. I don't know whether he should get to see his child once a week, once a month, twice a week? I could really use your advice here guys?

rue:D

How often he sees his child should be a decision that you make based on your own circumstances.

If I were you, I'd offer once a week as long as he is current on child support and see what he says.

As far as Blake, if I were you I'd be taking his father to court over the child support you have not been getting. I know the legal advice won't be cheap but in the long run I think it will be worth it, especially if you can get all the back child support due to you from Blake's birth forward.

SarahAnne1101

Try calling your local Family and Children services office. They usually have connections to offices that only deal with child support and file it for free. 

CCasey2015

I know where I am we can contact "legal aid" and get free legal advise. Try to google it & see if they have one in your area. Good luck!

gerbies

It seems that the ex-boyfriend should have visitation. I would start with 1or 2 days a week and see how he does. If he's an engaged and attentive father (and his family is as well), eventually custody could be 50/50. It is not uncommon for a really young guy to freak out like he did. Women are not given that choice since we are carrying the baby. Meet, settle on a child support and visitation agreement...put it in writing, have both sign and have it notarized if you want to avoid courts.

ErinLily44

Thanks so much!

jharrison119

You should think about your child in this situation . Children need their fathers just as much as mothers regardless of what's going on between you two . If he wants to help take care of his child && see him . Let him . I would allow visitation as much as possible bc it'll benefit your baby in the long run . Hope that helps .

Also look into collection unemployment && government assistance to help you out as much as possible . && look up work from home jobs for moms . There's a lot of there .

Good luck !

JaqiDec04

I'm sure the help out there varies by the state you are in, but I would definitely check out your local courthouse, they may be able to direct you in the direction of legal aid, and help you file paperwork for your older son Blake. Your ex-bf is not responsible for his care. Blake's father is. And if you don't currently have a child custody agreement in place for Blake, they can help you do that too. Tell them you have no money, it shouldn't cost you anything.

As for the new baby...until its here, custody and child support can't be hammered out, but you should be ready to file paperwork as soon as possible after it is. With no custody agreement in place, things can get ugly, quickly, if one parents wishes too.

For example, my BIL & his crazy wife broke up. She called the cops, had him arrested for domestic violence (he never touched her), took his car, drove to where their daughter was, called the police, and because nothing was in place, we were forced to hand over the baby, even though the woman was mentally unstable, had just attempted suicide 24 hours earlier.  The police can do nothing without a custody agreement.

Please look into your options. There are lots of them out there for people in your situation. You just have to look for them, and sometimes you have to look hard. If the first person tells you, they don't know, ask some other questions. Don't give up.

amberrmariee20

@ErinLily44 I have a son from a previous relationship as well. He's now almost 4... My boyfriend treats him like his own, but my sons father is still in his life. We have a court order set in place he gets our son 3 nights one week and 2 the next, we get along for the sake of our son. We can mutually agree on things together for our son. Sometimes my boyfriend tends to be a little over protective of my 4 year old, because at one point my sons father wasn't in his life. It's difficult when your not with the other parent. But I wouldn't push the new baby on the dad, but if he wants to take the child then let him. In the end keeping children from the other parent only affects the children in the long run. Not saying you will, but I've seen mothers keep their children from the father because they are jealous of the new girlfriend or just because ... It's sad really !

ErinLily44

amberrmariee20 Thanks so much! I once tried to get in contact with Blake's real father but he wanted nothing to do with it. The police also said that he was a risk to Blake as he had been abusive in the past so I cannot let him be part of his life. However, I will try and seek out some child support. I completely agree with what you've done though and hope I can do the same

amberrmariee20

ErinLily44 said:

amberrmariee20 Thanks so much! I once tried to get in contact with Blake's real father but he wanted nothing to do with it. The police also said that he was a risk to Blake as he had been abusive in the past so I cannot let him be part of his life. However, I will try and seek out some child support. I completely agree with what you've done though and hope I can do the same

Yes and sometimes it can be extremely difficult ! You can't force someone to be in your child's life but you can encourage their relationship if they chose to have one !

Luccie

I just want to say that you should not condition visitation on child support.  The right to visitation is not  conditioned on being current on your child support obligation, although many mothers seem to suggest that it is.  Legally, they are dealt with separately, and neither is a condition precedent for the other.  You want the best for your child, which is having two active parents in his or her life.  Remember that when things get challenging.  

Nonetheless, you can deal with both in the same agreement.  Be cautious before going to government offices to seek child support and assistance.  The system is very broken. An underemployed father who ends up in prison (depending on jurisdiction you have no say on this) is of very little benefit to your child.  So, if you can work it out amongst yourselves without government intervention, you should. Countless studies prove how beneficial it is to have an active father in one's life, and you should do all that you can to give that to your child.

ErinLily44

Thanks for all the help. I met up with my ex-boyfriend for the first time since he walked out. He agreed to seeing his daughter (once she's born) once a week at first. He had also agreed to pay some child support and is happy for me to seek legal advice and things to d that. He seems really excited and I'm very happy that I've managed to find a way that he can be part of his daughters life. As for Blake's dad, I don't know where he lives or have any contact information and I'm happy not to speak to him. The child support would be helpful but if I did find him then I suspect he wouldn't be happy about it. So thankful for all your advice!

J1D

ErinLily44 said:

I had been going out with my boyfriend for a year when I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 so it wasn't the best thing but I already have a son called Blake. My boyfriend treated Blake like his own son and loved spending time with him. He moved in with me and things were going so well. I was completely in love with him and I thought he was too. When I told him he said he needed some time to think about it. I understood cause it was big news and he was only 21 so I didn't want to rush him. When I came back from work most of his things were gone and there was a note explaining how he couldn't cope and it was too much to deal with. I was heart broken and because I now had no money coming in to pay my rent I had to move in with my mum. I really needed a job but I'm unemployable as I'm pregnant and have no qualifications. The father of Blake doesn't pay any child support either. Last month I got a text from my ex-boyfriend saying that he wanted to be a part of his child's life. He made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me but wanted to help raise his child. This was such a shock as I wasn't even going to ask for child support from him. I got him to meet up with me over lunch (thanks to advice from you guys) and he told me what he wanted. He said he's happy to pay child support but only for his child, not Blake. He also wants to meet his child a few times a week and wants to be there for the birth. I got some legal advice but can't get much more as I lack the money to pay for it. I don't know whether he should get to see his child once a week, once a month, twice a week? I could really use your advice here guys?

Again in regards to if you should get back with your ex, no, you really shouldn't. You said he made it very clear he didn't want to be in a relationship with you. I think you need to let this one go