Scared and alone

arcadiia

think i've broken up with my OH.. Heartbroken and scared for the future need hugs.

strlitemiss

I'm sorry. I don't know you so I don't really know if this is a good thing or not. Maybe you could give a backstory?

HBirdie

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I want to say that I know so many strong, capable, amazing single parents. You can do it! We will support you as much as you need. Hugs.

arcadiia

I live in NI, and we moved down to Dublin (which is basically a different country as not part of the UK) a few weeks ago. Found out we were preg and thought it might not be a good idea living hundreds of miles away from what we grew up in. We know how the world works in the north and healthcares free because of the NHS.

As soon as we came down I hated it. I knew nothing and knew noone. He already had friends down here and got a job right away managing a busy bar and the hours are ridiculous! Leaving at 5pm and coming home at 9:00am!

After 2 weeks i couldnt take the loneliness anymore. I sit all day on my own and just cry all the time (hormones aren't helping) and he knows how I felt! He asked me to give it another week, I did, and things have just gotten worse. I felt harsh but I had to give him an ultimatum, either move back home with me or I have to end this relationship. He said he had to think about it.

All I want is to be in my hometown with my family and friends and have people to talk to/some support!

I booked my first doctors appointment up North for thursday and first thing he said was "have to see if im working first"
.. That broke my heart!

Tonight, he hasn't come home from work, but instead he has travelled up to Belfast in the middle of the night to see his kid from a prev. relationship.

That was it for me.. I have never felt more abandoned in my life! He has left me and the puppy in the middle of nowhere with no money or a way to get home. I can't get over how selfish he is being.

And now he's saying I'm the selfish one for not giving him time to think? Think about what?! Shouldn't be and the LO be the most important thing?!

Sorry there's so much more to it but I'm so upset.

It's a joke that these forums are my only outlet/ way to think about the baby. This should be the happiest time of my life!

name1109

You can do it!

C3Duffy

Oh love. I'm so sorry. So many ((hugs)) your way.

notasycophant

Okay lets try and compartmentalize @arcadiia .

A) You've just made a huge move away from everything you love and you don't like it.
What you're going through is normal. You can't assimilate or make friends if you don't go out and meet people(ie a job) or (hobbies).You need more than a few weeks to decide if you like a place or not. Trust me, I never lived in a place more than 4 years growing up due to my father's career. It takes at least 6 months to adapt.

B)I'm not sure how far your hometown is from Dublin, but if you can go for your apps there, Maybe you could stay over a few days with family?

C) Your OH sounds like he's responsible. Has a job &visits his child from a previous relationship . That's two plus points isn't it? I get that you felt like he was abandoning you, but won't he be back tomorrow for work?

D) I would step back slightly and give him time to think. You've just made a move. Moving back a few weeks later does sound a bit rash & unreasonable when you think of it doesn't it? Especially since your financially dependant on him. He needs a job if he's going to provide for you and the LO.

FreshBakedBrownies

Some people say everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure that's true! Sometimes crappy things just happen and you have to figure out how to make the best of it.
Wishing you strength to find the best option for you and baby.

HBirdie

I completely agree with @notasycophant and I also want to add this- pregnancy is weird. Hormones are weird. You shouldn't make huge, life-altering decisions without really taking time to rationalize and think things out very, very carefully. Feeling lonely and scared only magnifies this. Please think about taking more time! New places are so, so hard, but it will get easier. I hope you and DH can talk and work things out. It sounds like you love him, you're just disappointed in him.

Edit typo

pbtoast

Agree with @notasycophant and @hbirdie.I know this has been said a trillion times around the boards but I also think it's true that men handle pregnancy differently than women. We are already experiencing life-altering changes whereas men often don't "get it" until the baby has actually arrived or perhaps later in pregnancy. I know this has been a struggle with me and my SO as well. I think you are definitely justified in feeling upset, betrayed, and alone, but I also think that if otherwise the two of you are solid, you may be able to get through this. Having said that, if you decide this relationship is not right for you, you absolutely can do it on your own and we are here to support you if you need it!   

arcadiia

1. I'm not financially dependent on him.

2. He hasn't seen his kid in nearly 3 months.. Not that responsible

3. My hometown is 3 and a half hours away and cost nearly £100 to get there through public transport

4. Ive tried to get a job but I know if I did, I still wouldn't be happy

5. I'm young, having a baby with no support. I need to be around people I know.

Coming down here was a massive mistake that I'm now paying for !

arcadiia

I love him but I just can't rely on him.. He's shown me that time and time again!

He makes me feel bad for even being pregnant in the first place.. I just want someone to be happy for me

wisco29

I agree with @hbirdie and @notasycophant moving is major and it can take quite a while to adjust.
We moved, I got ku with dd 3 months later... I still didn't know anyone and had already gone through 2 jobs because I was so unhappy and couldn't adjust.

You just need to stick together right now, it's a big adjustment to move and then to add a pregnancy into the mix can make things a lot more tough for adjusting.
Try talking to him calmly and instead of talking down and saying how alone you feel ask him how he feels and what he's thinking.

My h got super crabby and quiet when i was about 20ish weeks, finally I got him to talk and he was stressed about taking care of all of us. If your h is the only one working and providing he could be even more overwhelmed. Doesn't make him a bad person at all

Good luck

camusoh2011

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed and sad right now. Pregnancy can be very lonely at times, especially for a first time mom. I found that in some cases it makes it worse when the father has other children (whether they see them often or not). Part of me wants to tell you what some of these other ladies have said; stick it out for a bit longer, try and breathe and relax and give the new place a chance. Another part of me wants to tell you that you need to do what makes you feel happy and comfortable. Maybe that means moving back with your family for a bit and giving the daddy some time to think about how he feels about your relationship. Whatever you do I hope you start feeling better and getting more support.

canavara

Agreeing with @pbtoast. Guys can seem very insensitive during pregnancy... they don't have the same hormones and they don't have the bond you already have with the baby since it's inside of you--so for them, it's easier to be a bit more removed from the emotional aspects of it.

But moving somewhere new for sure is rough, even when you're not pregnant. Maybe refocus the conversation with him to be not so much about how much you hate where you are now (that can change with time) but more about the relationship between the two of you and what kind of support you need from him exactly? Your personality is likely somewhat different pregnant than it is not pregnant and that unpredictability can really throw just about anyone off, whether they're your DH or just a random friend.

arcadiia

@camusoh2011 thanks, I'm going to start putting me and baby first and be comfortable. I keep worrying that if I stress to much something bad might happen

lauren0571

FWIW I feel like I can relate to the moving to a new country and being far away from family/friends/support. We moved from the U.S. to Luxembourg about 4 weeks ago. My husband works crazy long hours and I am at home with our two year old son. It's hard to not feel isolated and homesick.

Like others have mentioned, I think it's important to get out there and try to meet people if you do decide to give the place a chance. I know, easier said than done. Once my son gets into a crèche I will be looking into places that need volunteers (like you, it's unlikely I will be able to find work here). Maybe you could look to see if there are any meet up groups for expats or maybe something for expecting moms?

I am sorry you feel like you are not getting the support you need for your SO. I'm sure it makes it harder. I would also agree with the others that you might want to give things some time before you make any big decisions. While what you are feeling is valid, emotions are often magnified by pregnancy. At the end of the day only you know the full story. Trust your gut and take care of you and your LO.

VitaLuna

Everyone has already contributed good feedback. I would also say that maybe you take a few days, go back home, and see how you both feel afterwards. Sometimes it can help to get a break from the immediate situation in order to think a little more clearly.

arcadiia

@VitaLuna thanks, that's what I'm going to do

purty4u

Go home sweety. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life bringing a little you in this world. If your bf can't see how much you sacrificed then he doesn't appreciate you. Family and friends will be there for you and if and when your bf comes back let it be known you will not deal with neglect and neither will your child. help him understand he isn't needed but if he wants to be a part of his child's life he needs to get his priorities straight. But for now go home back to your comfort zone around loved ones that will support you.

strlitemiss

He's at work what do you really expect him to do? Just curious?

chelenwhisarbo

Sounds childish running a bar at night and having his friends but you not knowing anyone and not caring how you feel. I moved an hour away from my family to be with my fiance and finding out we were having a baby. I really wanted to come back to have my parents. And hes coming here for me because he knows its best. Do whats best for you and the baby. And hopefully hell do whats best for you and the baby soon too. I hope all goes well for you. Its hard without people you trust! Maybe hes just not use to the idea yet and needs to figure out what he wants.

mtkbaby

Good luck! I don't think I have any good advice for you because I don't know either of you so I don't really know everything. But I can tell you that I am thinking of you and hope for the best for you and your baby!

charliegoldengirl

It sounds like you know what is best for you... Follow your heart.

PaniaO

I agree with PPs that now is a very tough time to be making drastic decisions. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug as you do so, as I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling in this difficult situation. I hope you're able to get the emotional/social support you need to enjoy the blessing of your pregnancy and your sweet baby when they arrive. Glad you're reaching out to those who are here for support in F16 along the way. It sounds like therapy could be helpful for you during this phase, even if that's hard to envision. Best of luck to you--and tons of self-care vibes!

4N6s

You need to have your own life when you're with him. You can't rely on him for your happiness. It seems like you feel alone because you don't have a purpose there...
Get a job, volunteer somewhere, pick up a hobby, make some friends, etc.
You can do it, but you need to put in the effort too. It doesn't sound like it's all his fault.

Irisini

Hmmmm, I agree with @notasycophant here. I think you are overreacting a bit and picking the wrong battle. It's not just about you... He seems quite responsible and you sound bitter and jealous. What is wrong with him checking his work schedule before going to an appointment? That is the responsible thing to do when you have a job. You sound super selfish and immature. My DH had to work during my first scan but I'm not going to divorce him for it. BTW, I moved from Los Angeles to London and have 0 friends and family here. That's 10,000 miles away, 11hr flight. Get a grip, get off his back and take care of yourself. You don't need a man to get through life or pregnancy. I hope you guys can work it out!