Unreasonable not to want visitors straight after birth?

AiramJ

my husband and I have totally different views of when to have visitors after the birth of our boy. He wants his parents at the hospital to see baby on the day and they then would come home with us. Even if they came the day after, it's too early. I always pictured us going home with baby and spending time just the three of us and lying in bed staring at him. We also have 3 dogs so I want to have time to introduce baby to them. Also, I think it's quite likely I am physically not going to feel up for doing much and don't want to have to make sure his parents are fed and have drinks. Just want my husband and baby! Am I being unreasonable or selfish?! When are you having people visiting?

momming247

Will your parents be there? My support consist of my mom, husband, and sister. Dad and brother in law in the waiting room. I don't want any visitors until the next day mostly bc I am.a very private person and am.not comfortable.enough to have anyone there until i'm rested and cleaned up (too overwhelming for me).

AiramJ

My family are abroad and even if they were closer, I would not want them there during birth. I do feel like I want a couple of days to myself and baby.

batmom05

My husband and I had a big debate about this a few weeks back. We agreed that no one would be at the hospital while I'm in labor. After baby comes, I will have time to meet the lactation consultant, shower, eat and sleep. Once I'm feeling up to visitors, the grandparents (and only the grandparents) can come to visit.

My parents know I don't really want visitors until we get home, so they are going to wait until we get home to come visit. We also agreed that our 10 year old will be the first to meet his new brother/sister. We don't want him to feel like he's being left out and it's more important to us to have our family of four together for a little bit.

We basically told family that if we don't feel that they can respect our request, they won't get a phone call until we are home.

As a side note, my husband was dead set against this plan... so I spammed him with a bunch of youtube birth videos (including birth gone wrong) and a bunch of articles about what a woman's body goes through during labor. It took him about 2 articles and a video before he sided with me In this case, my body means my rules!

rms924

I am having my parents there at the hospital (not the room!). There's no way they will take no for an answer because they are so overprotective, but they are also super respectful, and are helpful around the house. My in laws are a different case. I feel so bad for my double standard but it is what it is...

AiramJ

Told my husband about what state my body will be in and about leakages from certain parts and being exhausted. I said I will just be lying around with baby and not wanting to entertain his parents. He said he doesn't mind as long as they get to see the baby. So not the point! This is really causing me anxiety about the birth. He says he will be so proud and wants to show off our baby, I understand that, but I feel like it should be my decision. Urrgghh

vamomtobe

You're not being unreasonable or selfish at all.  I would especially not want anyone coming home with us, that seems really intrusive.  Our in-laws live 5 minutes from us and came the day after our son was born.  I was still a tired mess but I didn't care at that point.  It was wonderful to see their reactions to meeting their first grandchild.  They only stayed a half hour or so, so that was fine.  I can't remember when they visited at our home, but we definitely had at least a day to ourselves to soak it all in and it was a beautiful, perfect time.  When we did have visitors, we kept visits short.  It is really hard to keep people away from new babies, go figure, but stand your ground on what you want.  Those first days and weeks are so, so special.

AiramJ

That's more like I want it to be, vamomtobe! My in laws live about two hour away...

rue:D

It's not unreasonable! I personally won't mind having the grandparents visit (after babies are delivered, not during labor), but I don't know that I'll want a bunch of other people around - just will have to see how I feel.

I would hope that your husband's parents know that if they do come home with you, not to expect YOU to ensure they're taken care of. Their job should be taking care of YOU and your husband, and getting to know their grandchild.

Stand your ground, hopefully you and DH can come to an agreement - maybe that they come visit a day or two after you go home, instead.

smiles1212

When that baby is 24 hours old and he hasn't slept in 48 hours, he will likely change his mind. I was a postpartum nurse and saw this happen all the time. First time parents who had no idea what they would physically go through during birth and the first few days after would have visitors all lined up. Then they would ask us to kick out their visitors.

AiramJ

That's brilliant, smiles1212! I will definitely tell the husband about that!!!

momming247

@rms924 You and me both [-(

JaqiDec04

smiles1212 said:

When that baby is 24 hours old and he hasn't slept in 48 hours, he will likely change his mind. I was a postpartum nurse and saw this happen all the time. First time parents who had no idea what they would physically go through during birth and the first few days after would have visitors all lined up. Then they would ask us to kick out their visitors.

This is exactly what I was trying to get across in my comment in the other post. People going into this assuming they'll have this baby after an easy labor, and they'll feel happy and excited and walking out of the hospital like the Princess did, with her hair all pretty, her make up done, and in a dress.

NEGATIVE. Chances are you haven't slept, ate, or showered in 24 hours, let alone put on real clothes. Your sweaty, your hairs a mess, your bleeding, your boobs are leaking and killing you.

eat111315

We have a no hospital visitors policy. With our first we added no visitors for the first couple of days. With my second and this one my mom and mil will help out with the kids. My mom will stay for a few days but she's good at kid wrangling and ordering take out and understands that's her role.

I don't think your being unfair. As a mother, I would respect any mothers desire to want alone time with her new family regardless of how strongly I wanted to be there. Even if everything goes amazingly well, your baby needs to bond with you and your partner first- not your in laws.

SarahAnne1101

We are going with no visitors during labor and no one In waiting room. Once baby arrives, I want a nap, shower, meal, and the first two or.three feedings under my belt. Then our two older babies will be brought by my parents. After that the grandparents can come. No longer than a half hour visit. No one else until we get home and then very limited list of who can come and short visits only. I have had a very complicated pregnancy and a previous delivery that was very dangerous so I want as much quiet private tone as possible after.

amberrmariee20

I had a lot of visitors after my last son was born. But he was kept in the NICU for a week and not in the room with me. I pumped milk and brought it down throughout the night for him. But having so many people cooped up in the hospital room sucked ! Even after the baby I just wanted alone time to gather myself and spend time with the baby. I wasn't in any amount of pain and I felt great but I still just wanted me and baby alone time.

P.s why is this thread posted twice ?

AiramJ

I have no idea! I noticed it too. I tried deleting it but isn't working :-/

giavanna0712

My mother was very pushy about being in the delivery room if our VBAC plan had worked out.  I had to tell my mother to respect my wishes but if we had a chance of a VBAC that NO she was not allowed in the delivery room, after all I am not a teen mom and she certainly wasn't there when this baby was made so NO.. only my husband and I.  Since then, my previa is causing me to schedule a c section with this baby like I had with my first, so of course that is a non issue now.  I have however expressed to my husband that I am absolutely adamant this time about only our son meeting his new brother first.. so the four of us have time alone and then after that the family can come around but only then.

310mbr

I'm having a c section. So only my husband will be in the operating room. My mother in-law and teenage son will be in the waiting room. No visitors for at least 2 days. Except my brothers and sisters.

MrsN092714

We are planning on being alone for the birth, havent decided whether or not to allow anyone in thr room while i labour. Once baby has arrived my mom, my husbands parents and his brothers will be allowed to visit and then the next day maybe a few of our close friends. We are kind of hoping for a 2 am birth just so we can have a little extra time alone with our baby but i dont think that will stop both of our moms from sitting in the waiting room! It is their first grandchild and they are over the moon excited. We will have a bit of time to ourselves before anyone is allowed in but i will be excited to share our moment as well. This baby will be flooded with love!

Marinewife1988

My in laws came to my daughter's birth. I loved being able to share that with my mother in law as she was not able to have children, and my husband is her step-son technically but she raised him. They stayed until baby went off for 1st bath then let us have time alone. We didn't have visitors the first day (baby was born at 330pm) we asked friends to wait until the following day to visit, but it was a lot in that little hospital room. This time i think we are going to ask friends to wait until we are home and settled in as we have 2 other kiddos, 8 and 4, who will be needing attention and getting used to the new baby.

basdenjn6

Not unreasonable- I agree. I have no idea how I'm going to be feeling post birth and I want some time to ourselves. HD was a little surprised at this at first, but I just explained my feelings/fears and asked him to think about it. A couple of days later it was a much easier conversation.

lilmagic00

To be VERY honest I'm not really interested in seeing anyone at the hospital either and HOPE no one asks because I'm NOT offering. You can see the Tolliver's at our new HOME

elizabethmarie11

I agree, I told my husband that I just want it to be the 2 of us when we deliver. Especially since we're team green, that moment should just be us. My Mother on the other hand has it in her mind that she will be there too but the thing is she lives over 3 hours away so I'm thinking I can avoid that as long as my labor isn't forever.

Also no visitors the first day since I'll be recovering and most likely be exhausted. I did make a rule to follow, if you haven't called or texted me or my husband the entire pregnancy or even asked about it you are not allowed to come to the hospital period.

Knottie16288692

I don't think its unreasonable at all. I'm dealing with this myself. My husband and I were married last December and found out we were pregnant in February. So I'm a newlywed, a first time mom, and also looking at a lot of changes as far as becoming a stay at home mom. I'm thrilled about it all and love my husband and my child, but everything has been so rushed! That's why when the baby is born, I want it to be just my husband and I. My parents completely understood. Its my sister who is being unruly. I tried to explain to her that things kind of sorta change when you are pregnant. You carry a child for 9 months and that child is solely yours. You want to keep it to yourself as long as you can. And once its delivered its separated from you. Its no longer just yours. (This is how I see it anyways and why I feel so strongly about it) I don't want people flashing cameras in its face or trying to take turns holding it. I really want to be with my husband as we experience one of the most awesome things ever in our first year of marriage. Her reply was: You cant stop me from visiting if I want to. I'll go to the nursery. I'll talk to your husband. etc.

My husband thought I was being a little unreasonable at first, but I told him he didn't really get a say seeing he had no idea what labor felt like and that he most certainly doesn't  have a vagina that would experience the sensation of going through a meat grinder. I guess he couldn't argue with that so we agreed that we will let people visit the next day as long as they understand they cant stay all day, no cameras, and they must text before coming over.