Dealing with friends not respecting house rules

intheversa

I'm sure we all have a friend like this. My best friend refuses to honor my house rules. I've known her since we were five and she's always been above the rules, but as an adult I'm kind of getting sick of it. We have two dogs. When we have people over we keep them contained in a certain area while people are coming into the house. Because they're dogs they bark, but once they see me letting the person in, they're fine. In high school we had a bad habit of just walking into friends houses unannounced. It always bothered me, but it was what everyone did. One day one of my guy friends walked in on two of my other friends having sex and that finally ended that bad habit and taught everyone a lesson (it was her way of putting an end to it, drastic, but it worked). Except my friend. When she walks into the house unannounced my dogs freak out and growl and bark because they think she's an intruder and every time she's over, she's mean to them. I've asked her repeatedly to ring the bell like everyone else, let my dogs see that I'm letting her in and then everything is fine. She says she shouldn't have to. The dogs should know better than to bark. She will then yell at them, threaten to kick them, and she's actually hit them before which really upset me because she should have no right to do that. I've explained to her that if she walks in like that, their instinct is to protect me and while they would never attack her, they will panic. I've even locked the door when I know she's coming over, but she will actually complain about it when I let her in.

Most of the time I keep them locked up downstairs when she's over. I feel bad. They're fine around all of our friends and always behave, but because of how she treats them they bark at her. I've also asked her to let me discipline them, they won't respond well to a stranger doing it. She won't listen. She's never been around dogs for the most part so she doesn't understand or care to understand how they work. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. My DH holds his tongue, but he doesn't want her over if she's going to be like this, but he knows she's my best friend so he's trying to look the other way. And she is a good friend, just doesn't want to respect people's house rules. I should also mention that because her husband doesn't like people walking in he installed code locks on his doors so you can't just walk in, you have to be let in. Figures right? Anyone else have a friend like this?

rue:D

Can you just lock your doors and force her to ring the bell? That seems like the easiest solution to me. You didn't seem to mention any reason why that isn't a possibility.

Other than that, I'd just be frank with her. Tell her you've asked her nicely many times, you don't appreciate how she treats your dogs when she does let herself in, and if she can't respect that then you won't allow her to be in your home. You can also just hang out at her place instead?

intheversa

We've locked the door and forced her to ring the bell, she just throws a fit about it and will complain for the rest of the evening. But it seems that is our only option. We usually do go to her house, but it's always dirty so I can't stay long because of my allergies. I've been frank with her in the past but it doesn't seem to stick. I may just not be having her over anymore. 

McRad

I'm only going off what you posted, obviously, but she doesn't sound like a best friend to me. I can't imagine walking into my best friend's house unannounced and I've known her 20 years. I may knock and poke my head in with a "hello?" call but that's only if she knows I'm on my way or close by.

I'd be very frank with her. It's your job to protect your animals. If you're like me, pets are family members, not just hairy barking alarms. Id tell her that this is your dogs home and not hers. She does by have the right to enter your home without being let in due to the fact that your dogs freak out.
She most certainly does not hold the right to discipline your dogs. She should not be laying a finger on them, unless of course she's petting them.

I'd be completely upfront and honest and say if she can't understand the line she's been and has continued to cross, she is no longer welcome in your home and you need to find a new place to meet up. Sometimes it sucks but if she's "above the law" then, well, eff that. It's YOUR home!

jennylynn103

I would either not have her over or continue to lock her out if you must/want to have her over. If her rudeness and lack of animal savvy created a situation where one of your dogs bit her, it would be your pups that suffered the consequences (she could probably have them quarantined at a minimum, depending on your local laws). Also, if she has so little respect for you/your boundaries when it comes to your house and your pets, part of me wonders what she would do with your child (would she feel free to spank your child, etc.).

naka92

If a friend of mine were kicking my dog, they'd not be welcome in my home anymore. My dog is part of my family and you'd best not lay a hand on my family. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but someone kicking a dog doesnt need to be handled with care. Tell her whats what and if she doesnt listen, sucks to be her. There is no reason to be kicking a dog, let alone one thats part of your friends family, in their own darn home. Nope, not done. 

leighann1

What a brat. I say keep locking her out. If she keeps complaining, tell her to get used to it or stop coming over. When baby gets here, I certainly wouldn't want someone (even a good friend) popping in unannounced.

And don't even get me started on her disciplining your dogs when she chooses to ignore your boundaries you have set with them. I can't even. No one messes with my pups.

jenspeake

I would just let her know not to come over without calling first to see if it's ok.  You do have a baby on the way and like PP said I would not just want someone popping over.  I would definitely tell her for that reason.  And it sounds like she is not that great of a friend.  I know you have been friends since age 5 but people do grow apart.  And you shouldn't have to resort to locking yourself inside your own home just for this fact.  If she pops over I would politely ask her to leave and tell her this is not a good time...call first.  I know all of these are easier said than done...especially with a friend!

slhawkins25

I must say that your definitely a better person than I. If a "friend" of mine went against any rules I had set in place for my home I would not hesitate to repeat how wrong it is. Constantly. If boundaries continued to be crossed, I would simply disinvite said friend from coming over at all. I can totally understand the loyalty of having a long term friend and not wanting to stir up issues. Seemingly though it comes down to respect, and your friend obviously seems to lack it. So tough love may not be so terrible. Or installing those same locks as they have to passively and aggressively avoid the issue.

As for the fur babies. This makes me livid. My dogs are and always will be part of my family. My first born and second born. Again I think confrontation and a stern rule outlining are in need. Or just simply tell her what you have stated above, about how they will react if she crosses that boundary. Especially because dogs have a pack mentality and may not always respond well to a different person attempting to punish them. In rare cases even the best of dogs can bite if they panic. There would be no love lost in that instance for me. My dogs, their companionship, the love and bond we share would never be worth jeapordizing. All because my best friend felt she was entitled. My home is their home over ANYONE visiting.

wildbutterfli2001

Good friend or not she isn't respecting you. If it were me,she wouldn't be coming to my home.

dparker721

MelMel92 said:

If a friend of mine were kicking my dog, they'd not be welcome in my home anymore. My dog is part of my family and you'd best not lay a hand on my family. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but someone kicking a dog doesnt need to be handled with care. Tell her whats what and if she doesnt listen, sucks to be her. There is no reason to be kicking a dog, let alone one thats part of your friends family, in their own darn home. Nope, not done. 

I agree. She isn't respecting you at all and it's hard to imagine someone being such a good friend if they don't respect you. Also, anyone that hit or kicked my dogs would not be welcome in my home nor would I consider them a good friend.

intheversa

Thanks ladies. She's never popped in unannounced thank god, but when we're having people over she lets herself in. I'm going back to the locking of the front door. When she complains about it I'll tell her why. My furbabies are my kids. She knows that. Thankfully she's only threatened to kick the dog, but the one time she hit them I went off on her about how they are my dogs to discipline and she will not hit them or she could leave. It was her fault anyway, she kept putting her plate on the floor and my dog was curious so he kept coming over to her. It's what dogs do. I put him downstairs after that, but told her she could put the plate on the table like everyone else so that he wouldn't bother her in the future.

 I will have to have another conversation and just tell her, my dogs are a part of my house. When you come over they will be there. They bark, they're dogs. I went off on her Friday when she yelled at them to shut up and went off on me about how badly behaved they are. They really aren't. They just bark when she walks in.

@slhawkins25 I would love to install those locks, but my DH despises them.  I can't not invite her over because when we hang out with my high school friends she's part of that group.  I can tell her that if she continues to have an issue with my dogs then she can either not come over, or I can stop having people over all the time. With my LO on the way I don't see us having friends over much anymore as it is, but it doesn't make how she acts right. Sadly my mom told me that as kids she learned early on that my friends parents taught her that she was above other adults rules and could do whatever she wanted. Hence she is the way she is. My mom said as a parent, having her over was a nightmare. Remind me to never raise my kids that way. 

intheversa

P.S. I love these two! 

furelise93

I can't get past the fact that she's mean to your dogs! If any "friend" is mean to my dogs, they're not really my friend, and aren't welcome in my home. My husband's friend hit one of my dog's pretty hard when all AJ was doing was coming up to sniff the guy when he walked in. I flipped out! He hasn't come to our home since.

I would have a talk with her and "lay down the law" so to speak, and if she doesn't like it, then she doesn't come to your house anymore. What if she comes barging in your home right when you get your baby to go to sleep and then your dogs freak out because they think an intruder is in the home and they wake your baby up? She needs to learn boundaries and respect!

tate62610

Your friend sounds like a jackass. Just lock your doors so you have to let her in.

Krysta6

It sounds like you have a hard time keeping boundaries (A lot of women do!). No one would even consider threatening my dog or doing something I asked them not to do. That is called respect in a friendship and I would flip out if someone treated my home, my dogs and myself in this manner. People are going to push your boundaries and its up to you to enforce it. I would simply say, if you do this again you are no longer welcome in my home until you can prove to be respectful of my wishes. If she argues or says anything, I would simply say I don't care what you have to say as I have brought this to your attention many times, get out. It is our responsibility to keep our pups safe (and soon our kids) if someone can't respect something so simple as ringing a door bell I can only imagine the other lines they cross.

slhawkins25

@intheversa I wholeheartedly understand! If she has to be around I would just advise you to be firm with your convictions. She just sounds pushy, bratty and a little negative. Controlling also comes to mind. Those three combined get my mama protective instinct to flare! lol The whole puppy issue would surely send me over the edge! As you said though, locking the door sounds like a great idea and an awesome plan!

P.s. Your pups are gorgeous!!

EllioCor

we're a "the dog lives here- you DON'T" household so if she's threatening, intimidating, or actually abusing your animals, she needs to go. To the dogs, you are pack, you are family, and choosing her over them is just plain wrong when you've taken responsibility for them.

It may be easiest to just start locking your doors and avoid the confrontation, but anytime she showed hatred or aggression toward my furbaby it's a "oh, hell no!" You can try to be polite or you can be blunt, but your friend should know that it is not okay, you do not accept that behavior from her, and if it continues then she really isn't welcome.

People who mistreat animals will also mistreat people. She is already selfish and entitled by taking ownership of your space, she mistreats your family pets, your husband dislikes her- how will she be around a child? would you really trust her alone with your child? If I can't trust someone with my dog, I absolutely don't trust them with my baby.

tinabellfuller

everyone else has pretty much said it, this person is not respectful enough to be your friend. had she hit my dogs out of anger, she might have got it back. she definitely wouldn't be allowed to continue to disrespect me. lock her out, make her ring, let her complain, or get her out of your life entirely. it's obviously enough of a problem for you that you post to strangers for advice. I wish you luck in dealing with this disrespectful dog abuser.

adcoxmt

intheversa said:

P.S. I love these two! 

(messed up the quote box haha) The black one on the left is mine and the sweet pit is BD's...needless to say, I'm a fan of your dog combo haha. I'm such a dog person and your's look so sweet! 

That being said, I would lose my mind if one of my friends was ever that disrespectful to both myself and my dog. Although he only ever cowers, never reacts aggressively (never barks, ever) he is TERRIFIED of ppl he doesn't know/doesn't interact with frequently. I have to be vigilant to avoid extra trauma to his nerves from pushy "strangers." 

Our pets rely on us to look out for them and have their best interests at heart; they trust us to speak for them when they can't. I know it makes things super awkward to have to confront a close friend, especially one who clearly doesn't adhere to the conventionally expected manners, but she needs to realize that if she loves you and considers you to be one of her good friends, her respect is necessary. It sounds like she isn't an animal/dog person so it's harder to make her see things your way, but maybe if you present it as they are family members, and that you need to be able to keep your house both secure and calm once your human baby arrives, maybe she'll get it? At least get it enough to not get so personally affronted when you lock your doors. In this day and age it can't seem that crazy a notion to her that in general you'd like to keep your doors locked... I hope! Good luck! 

intheversa

@adcoxmt omg they really look similar. Our big one is a boxer lab mix, hyper and loud, but so gentle and loyal. The little one is a boston/rat mix. He was abused by his original owners. They would kick him and beat him (we think based on his injuries). They dumped him in front of the humane society with a broken leg and the size of a skeleton. He was 12 lbs (now he's 25 and the vet is suggesting he lose a few, but at least he's in a good situation now). It's taken years to get him to warm up to people so when she threatened to kick him I blew up on her. She's been sweet to them when they're not barking but that doesn't make her hitting my boxer mix or threatening to kick my Boston mix ok.

I'm only having her over one more time this year for our fall BBQ. I avoid inviting her otherwise. And that day we'll be locking the door! I can't just drop her as a friend because she's in my social circle and after 25 years of knowing her you just kind of get used to her rude personality. It's not ok, but it's how she is and I just roll my eyes at her rude comments these days unless it involves my dogs.