Help telling a friend (loss mentioned)

saraawlbr

Ladies, I really need your help. My best friend of over twenty years found out she was pregnant around the same time I found out and was due within a week of my EDD. Unfortunately, the baby stopped developing and she had to undergo a D&C. Because hubby and I were holding off telling people, I hadn't told her that I was also expecting. I'm coming up to the 12 week mark and we're gearing up to share the news and I'm hoping you ladies can help me with how to tell my friend without causing too much upset for her. I want to be sensitive to her loss but, don't want to be so sensitive that it seems as though I'm assuming she won't be happy for me. Do I mention her loss? Do I tell her in person, in an email, a text? I just don't know the gentlest way to go about this and I really need some help. I love her so much and want to share the happy news without making it seem like I'm rubbing it in her face. I so appreciate your help. Thanks, ladies. 

SummerOH

I'm on the other side of this. A friend and I had our 2.5 yos on the same day. Coincidentally, we had the same EDD again of August 17. I lost mine in late January. While I knew already that she was pregnant, it didn't stop me from being happy for her continued pregnancy. Seeing her hit milestones still stings, even though I'm pregnant again. It's natural.

Your friend will be sad for herself, but happy for you. Just don't be surprised if she's quiet or distant for a bit as she processes and grieves her loss again. It's not just you. She will feel like this with any announcement.

I would definitely give her the respect of sharing it with her before most others, but it sounds like you had planned on that already. How you tell her depends on what type of person she is. I would prefer a text or email because it would give me time to process it in private, but maybe others would prefer in person. I might mention the loss in something like, "I know this news may take some time to process and I understand and love you."

mcrane8

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about her loss.  This must be very hard for her, and difficult for you as well.  My suggestion would be to tell her in person.  Depending on how sensitive of a person she is, I may suggest telling her before anyone else.  Letting her know that you know this is difficult, know she is excited for you and your husband as you've been friends for so long, but understand if it's a difficult conversation to have right now.  Personally, I would ask my friend what she would like.  Would she like me to give her some time?  Help her smile through the pain?  Is my pregnancy and hers something that she wants to link, or something she wants to keep completely separate.  People deal with loss in their own way.  Although bringing up the heartbreak may be difficult, it may be way harder for her to pretend like it didn't happen.  

I would express that above all, you want to be there for her.  Ask her how you can best do that.  You're not rubbing anything in her face.  However, that doesn't make this any easier.  

Good luck and my thoughts are with your friend...

steph_pegasus

I wouldn't mention her loss unless she brings it up. There's really no need.
If she is as dear of a friend as you say, in person would be best if that's possible for you to do. Gentlest way is probably just straightforward - I'm going to have a baby, due in January. And just go from there. Probably in private is better in case she does get emotional, at your home or hers.
Good luck!

winnie1122

I would simply be very sensitive to how and where you tell her. I honestly think acknowledging her loss is very important, because I think it would be easier to hear your news knowing that you hadn't forgotten about her pain. I know when I went through my losses, the worst thing was having close friends pretend it never happened. If my best friend had announced to me after my loss without sensitivity to my grief, I don't think I would have handled it well at all. I actually dreaded how I might respond. I think she will be happy for you no matter what because she's your best friend, but just don't have any expectations about her immediate response. Make sure it's in a place that's private enough where she can process during and after...not like in a coffee shop before she has to go do something else. She may hold it together at the time, but I would probably want to go straight home to my husband and cry. I think it's wonderful of you to be thinking so kindly of how to tell her gently.

fragglemom

One of the hardest parts of my loss that I still haven't come to terms with is that one of my closest friends was due around the same time and she ignored my loss. Please make note of how you realize that she has just experienced a terrible loss. Be honest. Tell her how you are very concerned about her well being and didn't know how to approach sharing your news. She's your friend and she loves you. She will be happy for you. Please be patient with her. It may be difficult for her to be around you at times but she still loves you. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to acknowledge her loss. One of the most painful aspects of miscarriage is the lack of acknowledgment from friends and family who are attempting to spare your feelings through silence. It invalidates one of the deepest losses a person can face to act like it never happened.

Lemonpig1

Already lots of great advice here, and like others have said it sounds like you're a very kind and caring person - which will go a long way in making a bittersweet conversation happen smoothly. My sister-in-law found out she was pregnant about a month after I did, and once she had her first ultrasound it was discovered our EDDs were only three days apart! At first I was annoyed and then I got super anger at myself for being so petty. When I lost my baby at 25 weeks, it was devastating to have someone so close to me, who was part of my family and who I really loved, be going forward without me. It's still hard today now that she has a healthy baby girl and I'm back to dealing with the anxiety of early pregnancy. But what I've learned is, we all have a seemingly infinite capacity for feeling all sorts of honest and strongly-held feelings at the same time, and even though some might appear to contradict each other, they can all be part of one person's experience at the same time. Your friend will DEFINITELY love and be happy for you. It would also be totally normal for her to feel sadness and jealousy, and need to distance herself from you a bit as she works on healing and maybe TTC again. She also might not yet know if her lose was a one-off, or if it was a sign of some greater problem that might make carrying a healthy baby to term easy for her in the future (you don't mention whether this was a first pregnancy for either of you) - anyway, for me, that period of not knowing if I was going to be faced with further issues was a particularly stressful time, and other people's happiness was hard! But with your understanding - which you've already shown - I bet you both will be back to normal over time. Your friend is lucky to have someone who's thinking about her needs.

TinyDancer51510

You are a good friend. Ultimately, after 20 years, you know her best. You know better than us whether she would want to know in person or have some time to process first. And I think acknowledging that you know it will be bittersweet for her and that you understand if she needs time is a good idea. She will probably feel guilty for any jealousy so knowing that you get it and don't expect her to be all sunshine and smiles will probably help.
I wish you both well in your journies.

cyanope

I agree with PP's. Do it in private, and tell her first. I had a loss in late December, early January. My SIL and I had talked about getting pregnant together, but I secretly wanted to get pregnant on my own (my first, her second), so DH and I started trying without telling anyone, and announced on Christmas. She was SO happy for me, but jokingly said, "you jerk! We were supposed to do this together. Now we have to start trying." Within a week, I had miscarried. I had to wait to start trying again, but she started trying right away. She was very sensitive to my loss, but part of me was still angry that she was trying when I was not able to. She told me in April that her and my BIL were expecting. She was very sweet about it. Mentioned my loss, told DH and I before anyone else, and did it in private. It was still REALLY hard, and I was very resentful. I think I said something like, "she stole my pregnancy from me," to DH. It wasn't really fair, but that's how I felt. Luckily we found out we were expecting a month later, but it was still hard for me. I couldn't be around her, and I was irrationally angry. Part of me still thinks it was insensitive of them to start trying when we had JUST had a loss, but I also know that they shouldn't have put their lives on hold for me because I was having a rough time. I think you just need to let your friend deal with her emotions however she needs to, and try not to be offended if she doesn't seem excited for you. It will take time for her to come around, and it will be REALLY hard for her, but be patient! Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Sovvy

"I wanted you to know that I'm pregnant. I love you and want you to know however you feel is okay. I'm here for you always and if you need to step away that's totally okay. I'm sorry if this causes any pain or sadness."

I'd tell her via email or text so she can react how she wants to.

willashbaby

Speeding on the friend I would either do it privately in person or by text. This is such a hard situation.

mcrane8

All this being said, I do think you have a level of understanding that a lot of people don't.  As this is my first pregnancy, I didn't understand what it felt like to have a loss.  I still don't, but I understand what it's like to have something there and feel immediately attached to something you can't feel or see.  I have vivid memories of friends coming to me years ago and saying casually "well I miscarried a few months ago" over a glass of wine.  My response was "are you ok?" and if they said yes, conversation over.  Looking back, I can't believe I dismissed something so big, so quickly.  I just didn't get it.  they probably were NOT fine, and I should have pushed harder.

Maybe she will have an easier time talking to you knowing that you could easily picture how she is feeling.  There's really no telling.  As others have said, however she feels is justified.  I think the biggest thing is letting her reaction be the right one.  You sound like a great friend and you shouldn't have any problems giving her what she needs. 

saraawlbr

Thanks, ladies for all of your suggestions and thoughts. We got together last night and after hours of chatting about non-pregnancy related things I told her I had some news and she immediately guessed that I was pregnant. I nodded my head and she squealed with excitement and gave me the biggest hug and told me how happy she was for me. I told her I didn't want her to feel sad with my news and if she did we didn't have to talk about it...but, she said of course she's not sad but rather so excited for us. We're both really sad that we're not pregnant together like we could've been but agreed that we've got tons of time to be pregnant together. We talked about her loss a bit, and all of the ups and downs of what she went through. I listened. Some tears were shed. But, she always came back to saying how truly happy and thrilled she was for me. 

She sent me a really sweet message last night too  - after I had gone to bed -  about how happy she is for hubby and I. I'm really lucky to have such an amazing friend. 

fragglemom

Beautiful :x

Sovvy

So glad!

winnie1122

So awesome, glad it went well!

cyanope

Yay! Glad it went so well!

steph_pegasus

I'm so glad it went well, you are lucky to have such a wonderful friend :x