Advice NEEDED...

andreachristine81

I am 10 1/2 weeks pregnant with my first baby... I am not married and the father and I have not been together very long at all. I am 33, have a successful career and an amazing family... My boyfriend on the other hand is NOT so amazing. In fact, I broke up with him 5 days before I found out that I was pregnant and the only reason why we are together right now is because I am pregnant. I want this baby without a doubt. With my background in dance and gymnastics I didn't even think that I could get pregnant to be honest. When I was 24 my significant other and I tried to get pregnant for a year and NOTHING happened. My current boyfriend has two other kids. One he sees once a week and the other one he has absolutely nothing to do with because he "can't stand" the mother. He pays child support for one and has nothing to the other (the child he has nothing to do with is only 15 months old - girl). For the record, I had NO CLUE that he even had a daughter until the week before I found out that I was pregnant and that was one of the reasons that I broke up with him to begin with.

I want to end things with him because I don't think that just because I am pregnant that I should have to be with someone that I dont love and causes me more stress than anything good. I don't need his money. I don't want this baby to have his last name and be thrown into the drama of his already chaotic life. I am afraid of the legalities and that he will try to get joint custody after the baby is born. I am not afraid to be a single parent, however I am afraid of him. He is spiteful and has a terrible temper.

Is anyone in a similar situation? I have been hesitant to post anything about this, but it seems like some woman on here truly care and I really need advice.

chelsea41887

Well I'm sorry to hear that you are in the situation first off... my best advice is get a lawyer now, leave his ass, and be a proud single mother. From the sounds of things you seem like a strong woman. Don't let this idiot ruin you and your babies future. Take charge!

babym418

I'm in a similar situation. I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 29. I actually don't really consider him that. We've had our share of difficulties since we found out I was pregnant. He is not an abusive person but he is less then supportive. Just a lot of negative comments and he is trying to do his best but he's just so overwhelmed by it all. My biggest concern is that he drinks a lot. One area yhat I'm lucky is that he and I do have pretty open communication. It's very obvious at this point that he and I don't love each other. He told me the he wants to be together because that's the right thing to do, which I think is stupid.

He was definitely taking a huge toll on me and my stress levels. So I did a few things
We don't live together so I limited the amount of time that we spend togrther. We still are trying to figure it out so I haven't completely cut him off but have considered it. Also I decided to get some counseling. It's been helpful I helping me make good decisions.

I'm sure you've tried talking to him, but if it doesn't appear that you and baby are safe do your best to keep out of harms way. Is there someone you can take refuge with if he really gets out of control? And I would suggest consulting with a lawyer for custody issues. I'm not one to plan for the worse but you need to make sure your prepared.

I'll be sending prayers your way. It's all going to he okay. Make sure to take care of yourself and your baby.

teachmegs817

My step sister was/is in the same situation as you.  She is only 23 and her ex is maybe 25-26.  She broke up with him about 2 weeks before she found she was pregnant, and then about 3/4 of the way through her pregnancy he told her; SURPRISE! I have a 3 year old Daughter.  She of course had hope that maybe he would want to stay with her, she did want to raise her son with a father in the picture, but taking him to court and having this documented legally was the best thing she ever did. The baby has her last name, and spends all of the time with her.  He is  now 7 months old and I think the father has seen him twice maybe.  He makes a lot of promises about seeing him and giving her $ and he never follows through.  While she's young and financially it's a struggle, she is starting to see how much better off without him, she is. He'd make a lot of threats about taking her to court and demanding that he'd get to see the baby.  It was pretty awful and really immature on his part. I'd say, do what your heart is telling you to do and get yourself a good support system if you feel that you may need it.  Being set in a career and having your finances in check is a great thing for any parent, but especially those who may be starting off as a single parent. Good luck to you!

mcrane8

All I can say is if your instincts tell you to get out of the relationship, they're probably right.  You sound like a responsible adult while he sounds like he has a few issues to deal with.  I'm sure you're excited to be a mom!!!  Don't let him rain on that parade

Thinking of you!

willashbaby

I'll also go with contact a lawyer ASAP. You might be able to get him to give up parental rights while you are pregnant, especially if you don't want child support from him. He's already done it once he may be pretty relieved to be able to do it again.

nickicb7

I agree with what most of these ladies are saying. First of all get a lawyer, then end the relationship. There is NEVER a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. It is unhealthy for yourself and it will be unhealthy for your baby. Even sharing custody with him will be more healthy then having to stay in a relationship with this man.

I've been in an abusive relationship and what I learned from that is, no one should have control over your decisions or choices. Sounds to me like you are a successful and strong woman! Take your future into your own hands and do what you know is best for you and the babes.

andreachristine81

I am so touched and grateful for the responses that I have gotten from you ladies . It was a relief to finally put my feelings "on paper" and the feedback that has been given so selflessly from all of you is very much appreciated.

I am definitely going to discuss things with a lawyer. I have thought about asking him to give up his parental rights, but I want to go about it the RIGHT way. I know that he won't want to spend the money to fight me in court. He barely gave up a fight when his first sons mother gained full custody of him, had made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with his 15 month old daughter and I don't think a judge would look favourably to him for going after this baby when he abandoned his little girl. I would rather take care of this baby by myself than to have to tolerate him for the rest of my life and whatever child support he could offer.

We most certainly did NOT plan on getting pregnant (we have been dating for 5 months and I am presently 10 1/2 weeks pregnant). When I became aware of the fact that he had a daughter that he is a COMPLETE dead beat dad to I ended things shortly after. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he had a baby girl that lives 15 minutes away who he has nothing to do with!!

He's five years older than me and is probably never going to grow up. The thought of co-parenting with him scares me to death. He has been home all week (his place) and it's the first time I have been at complete peace in forever!!! We were going to get together last night but then he started with the attitude and I pretty much told him to piss off! So we haven't talked all day and I am just going to leave things this way. I have a super busy week next week and don't need him to add to my stress. One thing definitely on my list is to meet with awayer ASAP.

I hope that all of you ladies are having a nice weekend . Surprisingly I am having a great weekend... I just feel relieved.

Monilee1017

Sorry you are going through this. I feel like there is no "right" answer. Just make sure that what you choose to do is what you think is best for your child at that moment in time. It may change as your child ages.

danasphillips

chelsea41887 said:

Well I'm sorry to hear that you are in the situation first off... my best advice is get a lawyer now, leave his ass, and be a proud single mother. From the sounds of things you seem like a strong woman. Don't let this idiot ruin you and your babies future. Take charge!

This, exactly. You will do fine and are MUCH better off ending things now than down the road. The fact that he has a temper worries me. I'm not sure I'd even break up with him in person (honestly sounds like he's not worth the hassle), or if you do, make sure it's in public with people around. Also make sure to change your locks if he has a key to your place or anything like that.

EC2016

I doubt he will fight you in court considering he has not fought for his other children. I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm sure you will be an awesome mother without him. Good luck!

SummerOH

I was a single mom for 12 years with DD. It was fine! And you will be fine, too. Never stay in a bad relationship because of a child. It sounds like your baby will be better off without him, anyway. I do agree with PPs that you should consult a family attorney, but he probably won't put up much of a fight. Congrats are your pregnancy! Being a mom is amazing and you sound like you are going to be a fantastic one!

andreachristine81

You ladies have no idea how happy you have made me with all of your encouraging words. I will break up with him in a public place and will be meeting with a lawyer beforehand. I have already discussed everything withy parents and they support me 100 percent. My Dad is more understanding than my Mom, but she will come around.

The more I have thought about it, the more I am certain about all of this. At first I thought that it might be hormones and that I was overreacting, but I am not. Speaking with a good friend of mine earlier this week, and getting feedback from you ladies had helped immensely. The fact that I broke up with him 4 days before I found out that I was pregnant (and was very sure about it!) says a lot. I broke up with him for many reasons. We are very different. And the situation with his other children really, really bothers me. I don't want to bring my baby up with that baggage. And he makes me unhappy.

nickicb7

Good for you! Im so glad that you are feeling good about your decision! I have been thinking of you and your situation since I read the feed yesterday. 

Best of Luck!!!

cyanope

Your last comment was very telling. "He makes me unhappy." I think that sentiment should show you that the decision you are making to end things is the correct decision. Good luck!

andreachristine81

I saw this on Facebook last night and if this wasn't a sign... I am going to his work today (hospital) to drop off his things that I have. He has quite a temper and I know he won't flip out on me at work. Thoughts and prayers appreciated!!

nickicb7

Good luck @andreachristine81. We wi be thinking of you!