ZING!!

heytallmama

At the suggestion from the UO thread, let's share our best zingers/ one-liners/ comebacks to rude comments by strangers.

Mostly because I need some more original material in my arsenal and am not that clever (unless you count telling someone to F off).

abbythebigdiehl

To my male boss: I guess you would know whats really going on with my body after all your personal experience. (No children)

And: let's see how the legal system appreciates your opinions about my pregnancy.

(Ok, those are definitely personal to my situation. Lol not sure I'm being helpful.) but it did help to get it out instead of just thinking it.

eat111315

Me (under my breath walking away): asshole
Dh: don't call me an asshole.
Me: then stop acting like one.

I read this one somewhere but have never used it, would love to though:
Person: are you breastfeeding?
Mom: do you shave your vagina?

devonsd315

I have not used this one, but it is prepared if someone I don't know questions a decision I am making while pregnant:

Stranger: are you supposed to be doing x?

Me: I'm sorry do I know you?

Stranger: uh no..

Me: are you a doctor? 

Stranger: uh no...

Me: oh good (walking away)

at least that's how I see it playing out in my head.  I have it ready because I want to be quick on my feet when the unsolicited opinions start.

devonsd315

I wish I had a good one for strangers wanting to touch my bump. It only happened once and I just started backing away as the hands came towards me. For this one I'm leaning towards the very direct "please stop touching me" and then physically removing the hands if they don't.

Krysta6

When someone touches the bump who I am not close to.. Grab their stomach and ask is this how we are greeting each other now?

Or I like to say stranger danger and I'm being touched!

I need something snarky for if someone asks if I'm due soon! X(

heytallmama

@devonsd315 Love it! I also have mini "what if someone said x??" arguments in my head!

heytallmama

A friend of mine used to go for the boob/ball tap if a stranger did a bump grab to her! I wouldn't have the guts to do that, but I would definitely reach back and try to touch their belly! See how THEY like it!

eat111315

@BrooklynBroussard totally adding that one to the arsenal!

Sbrouwer0706

Kind of like what @Krysta6 said, but I had a friend who whenever someone who she wasn't comfortable with would touch her belly she would take both of her hands and place them on either side of the person's face without saying a word. The people she did it to never touched her belly again. 

I haven't used many zingers but I did have a lady tell me "Single parenting is so rough...and you're so young!". I had been cleaning most of the day and my fingers were swollen so I didn't put on my wedding ring before I ran to the grocery store. I just responded with, "Thanks, I will let my husband know." 

I do want to start responding to inappropriate questions with an inappropriate question. That would be fun!

Leabyrd

I was in the elevator with couple of contstructuon workers:

One man: twins!!????

Me: nope! Just one tiny girl and a shit ton of beer!

They turned as red as tomatoes! They thought I was dead serious, it was awesome.

bbiutmcph

I can't say Zing without picturing this thing

(Big brother nerd here)

tate62610

Husband's Friend: Are you sure that's good for the baby?

Me: Start over.

CaitLewis15

I usually just endure the belly grabs, but once when I was in clinicals as a young student nurse, I had taken my precious 15 minutes of 'break' to pump. There was no established place to go for this, so I had gotten into the habit of going into these empty patient rooms that were being remodeled. Well, two construction workers, who had seen me going into this room another time, decided they needed access to my room NOW, and started banging on the door, repeatedly, despite me calling to them to give me a sec. 

I was like, 2 weeks post-partum and super crazy sleep deprived, so when they wouldn't stop, I finally yanked open the door, scrub top around my armpits, pump suctioned to my left boob, and waived my precious 2 ounces of liquid gold right in their faces, yelling, "Do you mind if I @!#%ing finish pumping??"

I have never seen grown men look so mortified. They were all kinds of red, but they never bothered me again 

LiveNLove44

devonsd315 said:

I wish I had a good one for strangers wanting to touch my bump. It only happened once and I just started backing away as the hands came towards me. For this one I'm leaning towards the very direct "please stop touching me" and then physically removing the hands if they don't.

(I'm stuck in your quote box!) I would be tempted to startle them by yelling, "HOT! Don't touch!" and swatting their hand like I would to DD if she was about to touch the stove or something.

tate62610

BrooklynBroussard said:

@eat111315 I love the idea of responding to an inappropriate question with another inappropriate question!

Them: Are you circumcising? 

Me: Do you enjoy bestiality?

PAHAHAHAHAHA!! Omg I just died.

LiveNLove44

I have a set of regulars at the gym in the morning who I'd talk to if I wasn't so busy working out (see UO thread). We exchange pleasantries once in awhile, but when you're at the gym at 4:30 in the morning, that's as good as it gets (and I like it that way). When I was pregnant with DD, one of the big grunter guys (who happens to have quite the belly for a regular lifter) looked at me, gestured with his hand a big round belly, and said, "You're getting big! When are you due?" I responded with, "September. You?" His smirk went from coy to sheepish in no time. 

heytallmama

Omg. I love all of these. )

leighann1

I've got a whole mental list of responses to "How are you feeling?" questions from strangers/acquaintances.

"Great, except for this horribly uncomfortable constipation. Any tips?"

"Well, I could do without the excessive vaginal discharge, but okay other than that."

"I just puked up all my lunch actually! How are you today?"

"I feel like I have a cantaloupe bouncing on my bladder. Mind if I cut ahead of you for the bathroom?"

taralohse

When people tell you how hard a baby is, how you're life is going to change forever, or how you are never going to sleep again...

"Wait, You're kidding right?!? OMG - what did I do????? I can't have this baby!!! MY LIFE IS OVER." 

ellasnow

I hate that question..."oh and how are you feeling??" (Always a weird concerned look on their face while im smiling really big) I literally get it at least once a day. I stare at them and say "i feel great but gosh...how are you feeling today?" (With a concerned look on my face) always turning it back on them

jenspeake

I just must be weird and like being asked how I'm doing.  No one cared before so I'm soaking it all up!  And being called momma from random people now and being told I look cute pregnant!  After the kid is here I go back to low man on the totem pole!

Birdee212

Anytime someone gives me parenting advice, all I hear is this:

I just dryly say, "Thank you for your input," through clenched teeth.

leighann1

jenspeake said:

I just must be weird and like being asked how I'm doing.  No one cared before so I'm soaking it all up!  And being called momma from random people now and being told I look cute pregnant!  After the kid is here I go back to low man on the totem pole!

I was really surprised by how strongly I disliked it. Rationally, I should think it's nice, but for some reason, it drives me insane! I think it's because it comes mostly from people I don't know well or at all, and I feel like the question implies that something is wrong with me. I'm lucky that I've had a pretty easy pregnancy, so maybe that's part of it, but I also don't like being treated like an invalid. I wish I could enjoy it because it sure does happen a lot!

MommyPhoenix

leighann1 said:

jenspeake said:

I just must be weird and like being asked how I'm doing.  No one cared before so I'm soaking it all up!  And being called momma from random people now and being told I look cute pregnant!  After the kid is here I go back to low man on the totem pole!

I was really surprised by how strongly I disliked it. Rationally, I should think it's nice, but for some reason, it drives me insane! I think it's because it comes mostly from people I don't know well or at all, and I feel like the question implies that something is wrong with me. I'm lucky that I've had a pretty easy pregnancy, so maybe that's part of it, but I also don't like being treated like an invalid. I wish I could enjoy it because it sure does happen a lot!

Yep, I feel the same way! I get really annoyed with this! Drives me crazy! I keep telling myself that they only care or they wouldn't ask but it's usually the same individuals asking this same question several times a day! I wanna yell "I'm pregnant, not sick!!" So I've just started doing what @ellasnow has been doing - They ask, "How are you feeling?" Me: with a puzzled, concerned look..."I'm fine, are you ok?!" They're not getting the point though  8-|

MommyPhoenix

I forgot to add my ZING!!

So this isn't one I came up with (I think I heard it off of Jerry Springer or something...) but I always thought it was clever to combat those who wish to comment on your baby weight or weight in general.

...Person makes some nasty, dumb*ss comment about your weight..

ZING: "I can run around the block and lose this but ugly will stay with you fah-EVA!" 

 

MamaOwl15

If asks me "are you SURE it's not twins?" I'm going to come back with "are you SURE all your kids have the same father?"

As for the questions like "how are you feeling?" It depends on whose asking. Friend or friendly acquaintance? I'm guessing you actually somewhat care and are trying to make conversation. And while the fact I put on make-up and real clothes and showed up to this event is probably evidence enough in feeling alright, I'll oblige you and respond. Perfect stranger? Not so much.

Same goes for, "so do you think you'll have any more after this?" I don't mind if my mom friends ask, because that's not an unheard of thing for us to discuss amongst each other. It's not like she asked, "so are you planning to get your tubes tied or will your hubby get snipped?" But if it's the cashier at CVS asking, I just want to be like, "so do you plan on this being your career for life?" In other words, MYOB.

jefinley1

leighann1 said:

I've got a whole mental list of responses to "How are you feeling?" questions from strangers/acquaintances.

"Great, except for this horribly uncomfortable constipation. Any tips?"

"Well, I could do without the excessive vaginal discharge, but okay other than that."

"I just puked up all my lunch actually! How are you today?"

"I feel like I have a cantaloupe bouncing on my bladder. Mind if I cut ahead of you for the bathroom?"

Yes! I used to think it was actually really nice when my husband's family would ask me this. But then they would get this weird "Why are you telling me this" look on their faces when I would respond honestly. I was never crass or overly detailed, but I pretty much puked for four months straight, and little girl now likes to use my bladder as her personal trampoline at inopportune moments in addition to other lovelies. So my answer isn't going to be, "OMG so amazing! Pregnancy is the most beautiful experience of my life in every way!" My mom and my grandmas and I have actually bonded over this question in a way I hadn't before experienced. They genuinely wanted to know and empathize and share their experience without being know-it-alls. I'm slowly learning how awesome my family actually is...

I tend to think of really good zingers after the fact. I can actually have quite the creative sailor's mouth and it is my default setting, so when I'm really mad in the moment, I generally try to keep my mouth shut for fear of more than a bit of sass coming out.

jefinley1

@taralohse Your comment reminded me of one that I actually did give my MIL the other day. I had mentioned that I was really excited for baby to just be here as although this has been a really interesting process so far, I will never be one of these women who wish they could always be pregnant. She told me, "You'll see, once she gets here you're going to want to shove her back in again." WTF?! I was so pissed, mainly because she's by default talking about not enjoying being a mother to my husband at all, but also because it's that horrible "I've already done this so I'm always right and my experience is representative of everyone's" attitude. 

So I just looked straight at her and bluntly said "Ya, I feel like once you decide to have kids, you kinda chose what you're in for, so you can't really whine about it at that point." 

AmyB421

Leaving a concert last night group of drunk guys yelled to me "you're fat lose some weight" I turned and said "actually I'm pregnant and that only lasts 9 months but you'll be a rude inconsiderate ass forever!" They looked shocked and embarrassed. I was really proud of myself though because I usually don't think of a good response til way later.

kfry22

eat111315 said:

Me (under my breath walking away): asshole
Dh: don't call me an asshole.
Me: then stop acting like one.

I read this one somewhere but have never used it, would love to though:
Person: are you breastfeeding?
Mom: do you shave your vagina?

Oh my gosh I used something like this on my husband!!!! We have a mini donkey and he sat on her one night in our barn during a heated discussion we had. I was angry at him so I said, "oh look the ass is riding the ass." Totally not pregnancy related but had to share that.

Now back to pregnancy zingers....
My younger brother asked me when we would plan for our next kid even though this one isn't even born yet. So I told him about the same time he starts paying his own bills and moves out of our parents house I'll answer his rude question. Boom!!!

Celly2015

A lady asked me if I was having twins. I just stared at her harshly until she turned beet red. Then I turned and walked away.

Later saw me in line and let someone cut Infront of her.

I said nothing. Just a face.

That said enough.

DeeGreer

I definitely rubbed a lady's stomach back and I did it to my aunt too. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME, IT'S WEIRD! I'm not close to this particular aunt and the lady at work, I didn't even know her name. Then a plump guy at work said "oh man you're getting big" so I said "soon I'll be your size!" I'm not pleasant at all when people make comments about my size. And for the record, I still fit a size 2 with a hair tie through the button hole. Next time someone asks if I'm breastfeeding I'm definitely asking if they like anal.

SarahAnne1101

The two that bother me are "Have you dilated any yet?" and "are you planning to have more kids?" I respond with, "How big is your vagina/penis today?" Or "Hm, are you using protection when you have sex?"
You wouldn't ask that to anyone not pregnant so I just make them uncomfortable too.

midge519

Lately everyone's been on a huge twin kick. They swear one is hiding and that I'll suddenly have two at birth. While I know this has happened in the past (my aunts were only supposed to be one child) this is not my case. It doesn't hurt my feelings as much as it annoys me. I've started responding with "Nope the tech was positive there is just one baby. He sure does like his space to move around though!"

adcoxmt

midge519 said:

Lately everyone's been on a huge twin kick. They swear one is hiding and that I'll suddenly have two at birth. While I know this has happened in the past (my aunts were only supposed to be one child) this is not my case. It doesn't hurt my feelings as much as it annoys me. I've started responding with "Nope the tech was positive there is just one baby. He sure does like his space to move around though!"

I have a couple of ppl who when I refer to my child - singular -  immediately say "well, you never know, could be twins in there!" Even after I snarkily assure them that I've had MULTIPLE ultrasounds and there's no way there's just a random, extra baby hiding in the shadows. They aren't convinced. WTF?  8-|

Knottie1445378742

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was shopping with my husband and two sons and the lady checking me out asked when I was due. I said, "July." She responded, "Oh, you're a pretty good size." I said, "Yeah, so are you." She had the most puzzled look on her face like, "Did this woman not understand me or did she just insult me?" I also had a female mail carrier in the lobby of my office building ask - while we were waiting for the elevator - if I was having twins. I had never seen her before and said, "Why would you ask me something like that? Unless someone tells you they're having twins, that is a very rude thing to say. Do you have any idea that it's hard enough to carry a baby around for 9 months? The last thing I need is someone insulting me on top of that." By the time the elevator arrived, she let me get on and waited for another:) This pregnancy, whenever someone asks when I'm due, I start by saying, "Not for a LOOOOOONG time...October." They're thinking I'm going to say December or something, so I usually get "Oh, that's not too long." It changes the train of thought from, "Wow, you're huge," and prevents me from having to rip anyone's jugular out.