My dad calls me stupid

Badger85

First let me say that I am trying to keep a level head and truly find some resolution to this that won't end in me completely isolating my father. I am turning thirty next week and my son is a year and a half. I am also 34 weeks pregnant with my second. Nothing I have ever done in my life has been good enough for my father. It's just who he is. I have accepted this and even though it bothers me it is all I've ever known. He belittles me at ever turn and thinly veils it with sarcasm. When it was just in front of my husband I tolerated it but now my son is getting older and I know that it has to stop. So far the prescence of my son has done nothing to stop it. I just don't know how to go about addressing it. He has never "heard" anything I've ever said about things like this in he past and always blames it on my perception of what he's saying. Help me find a way to deal with this. I'm desperate. Last night in front of my son he called me stupid in one way or another at three different times.

toccoaparker

Is there any way that you can just not be around him? My dad and I are on good terms now but we have had a difficult relationship for sure! I found that when we didn't see eye to eye it was best for me to just back off for a while(few months) with no contact.

Michi4240

I agree, space may be the right answer. Expecially now, you don't need the stress or negative attitude. Explain that your taking some space and why you are doing it, he may not realize what he's doing and just needs to hear how it makes you feel.

mommyofX

Wow sounds like we have the same father! I'm desperately trying to just not have him in my life or my babies, as soon as I'm financially able to move out from his roof.

Lmk if U find out anything good! I'm sry to hear ur dealing with an asshole father too

hclzmm14

I would tell him straight up that what he says makes you feel bad about yourself (even if it doesn't anymore, I'm sure it has in the past. I have a similar problem with my dad but he doesn't even veil it with sarcasm) and that if he can't control how he speaks to you he will not get to spend time with you and your son. Tell him once he proves that he can talk to you in a respectful way then he can get time back with the whole family. It's important your son sees how you interact with your parents and that it's positive.

Saratiff

cllgarrison said:

I would tell him straight up that what he says makes you feel bad about yourself (even if it doesn't anymore, I'm sure it has in the past. I have a similar problem with my dad but he doesn't even veil it with sarcasm) and that if he can't control how he speaks to you he will not get to spend time with you and your son. Tell him once he proves that he can talk to you in a respectful way then he can get time back with the whole family. It's important your son sees how you interact with your parents and that it's positive.

This exactly. He can shape up or ship out. I would not stand for it and it's unacceptable in general but even worse in front of your child. And plus also my husband would lay into my father if he heard him speaking to me that way. I would also add a snide well you raised me.

puccagirl77

This is tough. My father repeatedly insisted on bringing up something that might seem innocuous to someone else, but actually caused me pain. After repeatedly asking him to stop, I sent him an email and explained why it caused me pain and that I wanted him to stop. He hasn't brought it up again, so I guess I got through to him.

I completely get where you are coming from. My father does what he wants regardless of what anyone else thinks.

But I would make it clear to him that calling you stupid or belittling you in any way is unacceptable.

Miz_Liz

Here is the problem...we spend our lives growing up thinking our parents are always right and they can do no wrong and we need to make them happy at all times (at least that is what they want us to think). The truth of it is, they are just people. Every one of them started off in the same position we were in at one point - without kids. Every one of them then had us along the way, some of us were planned, some of us may have been a mistake (some happy, some not), but either way, we were born and they were our parents. We did not choose them, we were born into them. We have to try to remind ourselves that while many of us have INFINITE reasons to be forever grateful to our parents, not everyone does. Does a child who was molested have something to be grateful for to the parent who molested them? Absolutely not. Now am I saying your dad did that to you? No, please don't take it that way. What I am trying to get you to understand is that parents are human. They have to make decisions every day just the same as you or I do, and some of them don't make good decisions. You are making a decision as a mom that you don't want your son seeing that type of behavior and thinking it is acceptable. I applaud you for that. Now you as a mom/person have to make the decision to not put up with it and not allow him to treat you that way. Remove the fact that he is your dad and ask yourself what you would do if this was a co-worker, a friend, or an acquaintance and you will have your answer. Handle it the same. Good luck!

Badger85

Unfortunately there isn't really a way of distancing myself from him as he and my mom bought a house 5 minutes away lol. My mom is kind of crucial to me right now because she will be taking care of my son while I'm in the hospital and she has been keeping him while I go to the doctor each week so I really don't want to isolate her too. It's so frustrating because he literally hasn't spoken to his mother in years because she does the same kind of crap and he just got fed up with it. I don't want to be disrespectful but I feel like calling him by his mother's name sometimes just to see if he would get the comparison.

Saratiff

I mean he may not realize he is doing and he may need to be clued in to his behavior. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Sit down and talk to him. Give him examples.
See how he reacts

visualcircus

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

Can you do a direct confrontation or email with him? If you can share how you feel and how much he is hurting you when he calls you stupid, it could help. The guideline I like to use is for speaking in private, "Can we talk for a few moments? I just wanted you to know that I feel _____ when _______ happened the other day, and am requesting you to stop ______." 

This method is hopefully direct, productive, and doesn't lead you down a perception arguing trap. If they argue, just focus on "I" statements and how their action makes you feel a certain way, and repeat firmly and calmly that their behavior must stop. Be prepared to have to say it a couple times.    

beeish

I think if you have a talk about it and tell him that you will point it out to him as soon as it happens it'll help. As soon as he says something tell him how you feel.

MouseMama817

If he says the issue is how you're perceiving his comments, you should ask him right then and there to translate. If he says something that makes you feel like he's insulting you, stop him and say "What does that mean? Because it sounds like you're saying XYZ." Direct confrontation may be the only way to go with a personality like that. Good luck!

gokahne9

All good advice from pp. Try those first and if all else fails, remind him that you get to pick his nursing home one day.