Motherhood Doubts

BabyRut2015

I am 27, been married happily for 2 years, my husband is nothing but supportive and I am super in love with him. We decided a while ago that we would start trying in spring to have a baby. I got pregnant right away, and I was thrilled.

I am happy, but sometimes I kinda freak out/worry that I jumped the gun and I'm never going to have my independence again (I would go out with friends a lot -not even drinking just girl time...and am a fairly independent person).

I worry that my life will never be the same in bad ways instead of good....then I feel super selfish for thinking that way. It's not all the time....just sometimes when I am restricted by pregnancy I think....lord I won't be able to do this again until....uhh I guess whenever I'm done breastfeeding ...

Don't get me wrong I'm also very happy and looking forward to meeting LO.

Anyone experience this? Normal fears and doubts? Or am I selfish and immature?

vidatorr

Yes, but I'm young. I'm 20 so I haven't even lived life to the fullest. I get panic attacks thinking about it. However, like you, I am excited and happy.

BethP321

I'm 19 and I can relate... all my partner can do is talk about getting drunk or going out with his friends. A: I have no friends to go out with besides him. B: I obviously can't do anything until I'm finished breast feeding, which I realized won't be for another 12 months at least. I am not risking a thing for this baby, but he can stop rubbing it in my face. I'll just be happy when we're not living in his mom's basement anymore. :P I feel like I've missed out on a ton of things since I've started high school, so missing out on going to college and getting all those experiences that my old classmates are doing kind of nips me in the butt... but I just want to finally feel happy having my baby in my arms.

adcc43

I went through the same thing. My husband and I were very social and had people over all the time for BBQ or just to hang out especially in the summer. With our first, we go married in May and found out we were expecting in late June. Just like you, we had not been trying for very long. It took some time to adjust as we were the only of our friends and family expecting. It was a hard adjusting summer for me. There is nothing wrong with the way you we feeling. You need to moran your "old" you and embrace what you have now. This will not happen overnight. Take your time and don't feel bad for the way you are feeling now. Here I am today expecting baby 3 and am as happy with how my life is as ever!

emzie54

I am 32 and have those thoughts sometimes. I think about the fact that my relationship with my husband will be different. We will have other priorities now. We will have less disposable income. Our ability to be spontaneous and impulsive will be hampered. We love the life that we led and are absolutely crazy about each other. It is scary to take something that worked blissfully well and throw it in to total upheaval. Change is really hard, and having a child changes everything. Many of the changes are going to be wonderful but that doesn't mean that we don't mourn what was and won't be anymore.

The way that you are feeling is perfectly normal and I think it is great that you are giving voice to it instead of stuffing down, hiding it and feeling ashamed. I hope that you are sharing these feelings with your husband and your real-life support system too!

Vamason89

I'm about to turn 26 and know exactly what you mean. I have a feeling that once baby is here I'm not going to mind giving up those freedoms. Like now, if I want to do a weekend trip somewhere I have to consider our dog. This doesn't bother me because he's the greatest dog in all of the world. So hopefully I think my kid is pretty decent too.

BabyRut2015

Thanks for the input ladies!!! I feel like it's just maybe hitting me a little now because I am on vacation, and we have another one booked in august... and its summer time! I'm also very social and I am excited to be enjoying our new home (deck and patio for entertaining) this summer but I thought I'd have a few months left of normalcy lol.
I thought a lot about having a baby, but not a LOT about being pregnant lol.

I also had a miserable 1st trimester (im 11 wks now) so I'm hoping it eases up more and more and I am able to do more and feel better in the 2nd....I'm sure that will help!

mcrane8

I totally understand where you're coming from.  We've been married for two years but almost a year of that time he has been deployed.  I'm 28, I've been working for the same office for 5 years and I'm done grad school in August.  I expected to feel 100% confident with all the planning that went into when we would try to conceive.  But like you, it did happen fast (def not complaining).  Most of my friends are not married and not even close to thinking about kids.  Military life is the opposite (I'm the oldest of my friends without kids and we got married the latest at 26).  You really can't win!  

My parents and my husbands parents are VERY social people.  I try and remind myself that their social life didn't end when they had me, so why should mine?  You adjust.  Instead of going to bars, my parents joined an adult softball league with a ton of friends, who switched off hosting a party every weekend after games (kids all run around together while the parents enjoy some cocktails).  My mom started doing book clubs and bunko groups with her girlfriends (wine, wine, wine some more).  Sometimes your social calendar just fills up with trips to the pool with other moms, its all good, right?!  Just because your life changes, doesn't mean there aren't fun times ahead.

And again, speaking for my parents..once your kids are grown up, you get to be a 20 year old all over again!  

Beverly0628

emzie54 said:

I am 32 and have those thoughts sometimes. I think about the fact that my relationship with my husband will be different. We will have other priorities now. We will have less disposable income. Our ability to be spontaneous and impulsive will be hampered. We love the life that we led and are absolutely crazy about each other. It is scary to take something that worked blissfully well and throw it in to total upheaval. Change is really hard, and having a child changes everything. Many of the changes are going to be wonderful but that doesn't mean that we don't mourn what was and won't be anymore.

The way that you are feeling is perfectly normal and I think it is great that you are giving voice to it instead of stuffing down, hiding it and feeling ashamed. I hope that you are sharing these feelings with your husband and your real-life support system too!

^^ I'm 31 and also ALL OF THIS. Your feelings are normal and you are smart to aknowledge them. Try not to freak out over the big picture though. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and the baby isn't even here yet! I just have to remind myself to take one day at a time and make a consious effort to have a positive outlook on things.

BabyRut2015

I don't even know why I'm worried so much about my social outings/get togethers....we are the LAST to have kids lol and often hang out with our friends and their children...

My best friend has no intentions of having children anytime soon...but everyone else already has em... so when I think about that...I guess there may actually be MORE opportunities to do things with them...

Thank you ladies for the different perspectives!

Karenin

TOTALLY normal! I had my first at 28, and most of my friends did not have kids yet, and I felt that, although I was happy and had planned this, I started to freak out a lot. the thing is, having a baby is a major life change, and like any other major change, of course you'll have mixed emotions. I think people just don't broadcast the doubts/ambivalence enough, so women feel like we are supposed to feel nothing but elated. Also, remember that you haven't even met your baby yet, so depending on how bonded you feel (I did not feel bonded at all until my son was born), this hypothetical baby you don't know if about to come and kind of ruin your life as you know it.

leahabattle

This is completely normal.  I was 33 with my first and my husband and I are both extremely independent.  We made the deal that he gets to go do his guy things as long as he lets me go and do my girl things.  As soon as I felt the balance wasn't right, we sat down and had a discussion about it.  We both travel for work, so we have to do a lot of coordinating and scheduling.  Let your partner know what you need.  Get a babysitter when you can.  You'll find the balance that works for you.  Don't stress about this!  It's totally normal and you will find your groove.  You're a better mother to your kids when you are happy and fulfilled.

Written by the person who is guilty of sending her child to daycare and taking a half day off work for herself so judge away

lyannast

I can't wait haha... My partner and I don't drink or go out much anyways.. I'm 22 & he's 23.. We met when I was just 14 and are lucky enough to both be antisocial and nerdy haha. Plus I come from a gigantic family with nine younger siblings so I'm just very used to being around babies. I feel kinda weird for not wanting that freedom, my friends don't even come over anymore cause I go to bed early now aha. So I guess not staying up late is the thing I kinda miss... But I figure, if they can't make time to hang out before 10pm, they're probably not worth it anyway.

SummerOH

Um, I'm 33 with 2 kids and still wonder if I'm ready to be a parent lol. I think you will always question yourself. What's that saying? Bad parents don't wonder if they'll be a good parent?

Totally normal. You're facing a huge lifestyle change and, for FTMs, don't have the hindsight yet to realize it's gonna be just fine. Yes, your lives will change. Your relationships will change. You will probably occasionally miss spontaneity and freedom, but what replaces it is so amazing that you won't dwell on it for long. My relationship with MH has definitely changed, but it's so much stronger and closer. And my kids...they are just amazing.

Try not to stress too much, though I remember feeling the same way. It will all be OK!

tuitwo

I definitely remember feeling this way during my first pregnancy. I think it's normal to have doubts, even when the pregnancy is very much planned and wanted. A baby certainly changes your life. The hardest thing for me to get used to was not having the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted. But you adjust.

CaraBoonie

I know plenty of parents who still have social lives, you just have to adjust. Some even are still into the exact same things they were into before, they just calm down on the drinking unless there's a DP (designated parent, lol) around to watch the kids. Plus, you'll make new friends when you have kids, especially once they go to school...my mom's best friend is the mother of somebody I was friends with in pre-school 25 years ago. I'm no longer friends with the girl, but she still sees the mother pretty much every week. You can still have girl time, you just need a babysitter or an understanding husband...or understanding friends! Your friends will also love your baby, especially if it's the first in the group (my older brother was a god amongst my mom's girlfriends since she was the first to have kids), and may even request your baby's presence at outings to coo over it

peppercorn16

Yes! I think we all go through such a range of emotions, this is totally normal. I don't go out a lot, my husband and I mostly hang out with other couples and they have kids, so that part of the transition should be on the easy side for us. However, I worry about my freedom of sleep!! It also selfishly upsets me that I am having to get rid of my treadmill to make space for the baby. Obviously I love my baby more than I love running, but it's hard to let go of parts of ourselves sometimes!

ChrissyD1203

I'm so freaked out - worried about not having enough time to sleep, workout, do my work, see my friends - and then I feel selfish. I'm 30.

ChipMonster

Yes, yes, YES!!!!

I absolutely felt this my first time. We bought our house in April, got married in July, went on our honeymoon and came back and found out I was pregnant. We had said that we'd see what would happen because I didn't want to put any stress on conceiving and it happened RIGHT AWAY!! So when I came back from my trip, the honeymoon was really over!! Literally and figuratively! I felt exactly like you. I was happy to have conceived so easily and to be pregnant but sad at the same time. Like I've said in a couple other posts, you have to mourn your previous life. It isn't always easy and wasn't for me. And I felt sooooo guilty about feeling that way. It took me a while to mourn. Everyone says that it gets better once the baby is there, and it does, but that didn't help me to feel better about my lost life. Time will make you feel better. And although it might not help the way you're feeling right now, it is all worth it once you hold that cute little baby in your arms. The things that mattered before, don't anymore. Your priorities really do change!

Honestly, I still feel guilty admitting that I felt that way. I feel like I sound self-absorbed and that I was ungrateful but I wasn't. I had some spotting at 20 weeks and cried thinking that I had somehow cursed my pregnancy with negative thoughts. Everything turned out ok thankfully!

Paige6410

It's totally normal to feel this way, no reason to feel guilty. I was only 20 when I had my first. I was worried about my independence and DH and I are complete introverts. There is a period of time when it is all about your LO, but you do get some freedom back as they become more independent. Then if you're like me, you'll miss those itty bitty baby days and want nothing more than to snuggle up all day with your LO, and I LOVE my alone time.

failuretofly

Can i just say thank you so much ladies for sharing this. I was feeling really down and guilty for having the same thoughts and feelings. We tried for 9 months before conceiving and I had kind of resigned myself to the idea that maybe it wasn't going to happen and made peace with it.... and then I got my BFP. I was elated... then the panic set in. I am so happy with my current life I just can't help but wonder what it's going to be like after LO arrives. The hormones don't help and I think hubs thinks I'm crazy...

BabyRut2015

I'm so glad I posted this, to share and because you all made me feel so much better!!