Angry step son

lilly2424

please do not write mean judgmental responses. This is a very sensitive situation. My 14 year old step son has never been fond of me. His father and I have been together 5 years. His mom and dad split when he was very little. Since becoming pregnant he has grown super hostile towards me and has made it very clear that he is pissed off we are having a child together. He has let his dad know that he dislikes me and wishes I was out of the picture. You may think this is adolescents and he will grow out of it but I feel that since it has been going on since he was 9 yr old it might be more than that. He has threatened to hurt the baby but then back pedaled and made it sound like a joke (not okay). His dad has talked with him numerous times & I have expressed my hurt as well. The therapist he has been going to seems to think it is anger about other things being misplaced onto me. So, that's what's going on. I'm hurt, my partner is hurting & I fear for my baby. Any suggestions?

batmom05

To start, I think that it is good he is seeing a therapist. I think that is the best place to begin.

As for his apparent hatred for you, I'd be interested to know what the terms of his parents divorce was, what his mom thinks of you and if he has ever communicated why he doesn't like you. Have you ever tried to sit down with him and hear him out? I know that now might not be the best time, but would it be possible to take him out on a "date" for lunch and to just talk?

I also would be curious to know if he is having trouble in any other ways. Does he have trouble in school?

lilly2424

His mom and dad split when he was very young . They get along just fine. She seems to like me as well. Never has she shown otherwise. I have tried as well as his dad (seperately) to here him out as to why he feels this way. He cannot express why. All he says is , I just feel this way and then gets really angry if you try to push the conversation further. He started getting in trouble at school this year but never had before (I think that part is adolescents). Thanks for the response.

gograce

Maybe you and your husband should sit down with his ex-wife and her SO if she has one. Talk about what goes on at your house, ask what goes on at her house. Open that line of communication if you haven't already. See what kind of changes you can make as parents to help him work through whatever he's working through.
I think the next step is having his mother talk to him one-on-one. Maybe he'll open up to her more than you or his dad. I know it sounds silly, but maybe he feels resentful towards you and his dad because his mom and dad aren't together anymore.
I think after that, a big family talk comes into play. You, Dad, Mom, and Mom's SO sit down with him and talk. "This behavior isn't acceptable and this is why." Things like that.
If you three (or maybe four) feel it's necessary, maybe call on the help of a family therapist. Start with the parents going, maybe while he's a therapy. Express concerns, talk about goals for your family, etc. You could decide to bring him in, also. This way he's got a safe place to communicate.

I think it's really important to remember to make sure the environment feels safe for him to communicate how he feels at all points. If he feels like his parents are ganging up on him, he's going to shut down or lash out.

Good luck! I hope it all works out.