How to break the news

thechristyfamily

my friend has been TTC for over a year. A few months back she was extremely upset that our coworker mentioned she was pregnant after only TTC for a short time.My husband and I just found out that I am pregnant after only one month of trying. I figured I'd tell everyone after our first trimester , but I'm nervous that I'm going to upset her. Any ideas on how to break the news gently?

penelope4612

I have no personal experience with this, but I have read in other places that it is sometimes helpful to break the news via text, so that she can have whatever reaction she is going to have without you standing there.  It will give her some time to cry and then put on a happy face if that's what needs to be done.  It also gives you some time to get a sense of how she is responding before being face to face.  I probably also would limit the information passed on, and not elaborate that you got pregnant your first month of trying, or how far along you are, unless she asks.

als1982

penelope4612 said:

I have no personal experience with this, but I have read in other places that it is sometimes helpful to break the news via text, so that she can have whatever reaction she is going to have without you standing there.  It will give her some time to cry and then put on a happy face if that's what needs to be done.  It also gives you some time to get a sense of how she is responding before being face to face.  I probably also would limit the information passed on, and not elaborate that you got pregnant your first month of trying, or how far along you are, unless she asks.

A text message is never an appropriate way to convey information like this. At least be thoughtful and caring enough to pick up the phone.

LavenderBrown1018

My SIL was in this same position. She had been trying for a year and her best friend got pregnant after a month. No matter how sensitive you are, it's still going to be a struggle for her but she'll be happy for you. I agree that you should tell her over the phone or in person. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you'd like to be told if the roles are reversed. You're clearly already considering her feelings so that's great. You're a good friend. Congrats on your pregnancy!

RiverSong15

als1982 said:

penelope4612 said:

I have no personal experience with this, but I have read in other places that it is sometimes helpful to break the news via text, so that she can have whatever reaction she is going to have without you standing there.  It will give her some time to cry and then put on a happy face if that's what needs to be done.  It also gives you some time to get a sense of how she is responding before being face to face.  I probably also would limit the information passed on, and not elaborate that you got pregnant your first month of trying, or how far along you are, unless she asks.

A text message is never an appropriate way to convey information like this. At least be thoughtful and caring enough to pick up the phone.

I've seen several threads on here where women struggling with IF have stated that they much prefer a text. Even over the phone, there is pressure to respond in the "right" way, and controlling tone of voice can be hard when something stings a bit. With a text, there is no pressure to sound happy right away, and they can process their emotions first.

Maybe other women will chime in, but I don't think you can apply the same rules to this situation that you would to any other piece of news. I didn't understand this at first, but from lurking on threads, I can now understand this logic.

thechristyfamily

I have 6 or so more weeks to figure it out. Either way I know she will be hurt, but I'd like to minimize the damage as much as possible.

jnnfrrose6

RiverSong15 said:

I have no personal experience with this, but I have read in other places that it is sometimes helpful to break the news via text, so that she can have whatever reaction she is going to have without you standing there.  It will give her some time to cry and then put on a happy face if that's what needs to be done.  It also gives you some time to get a sense of how she is responding before being face to face.  I probably also would limit the information passed on, and not elaborate that you got pregnant your first month of trying, or how far along you are, unless she asks.

A text message is never an appropriate way to convey information like this. At least be thoughtful and caring enough to pick up the phone.

I've seen several threads on here where women struggling with IF have stated that they much prefer a text. Even over the phone, there is pressure to respond in the "right" way, and controlling tone of voice can be hard when something stings a bit. With a text, there is no pressure to sound happy right away, and they can process their emotions first. Maybe other women will chime in, but I don't think you can apply the same rules to this situation that you would to any other piece of news. I didn't understand this at first, but from lurking on threads, I can now understand this logic.

I agree. I'm not sure a text is necessarily right, but maybe an email or letter. Let her know you are pregnant and you wanted to share the news privately with her as you know she's been struggling and didn't want to put her "on the spot" with sharing it in a group setting or anything like that. Basically do the complete opposite as the woman in the "unsupportive family" thread and you should be fine.

Xstatic3333

RiverSong15 said:

als1982 said:

penelope4612 said:

I have no personal experience with this, but I have read in other places that it is sometimes helpful to break the news via text, so that she can have whatever reaction she is going to have without you standing there.  It will give her some time to cry and then put on a happy face if that's what needs to be done.  It also gives you some time to get a sense of how she is responding before being face to face.  I probably also would limit the information passed on, and not elaborate that you got pregnant your first month of trying, or how far along you are, unless she asks.

A text message is never an appropriate way to convey information like this. At least be thoughtful and caring enough to pick up the phone.

I've seen several threads on here where women struggling with IF have stated that they much prefer a text. Even over the phone, there is pressure to respond in the "right" way, and controlling tone of voice can be hard when something stings a bit. With a text, there is no pressure to sound happy right away, and they can process their emotions first.

Maybe other women will chime in, but I don't think you can apply the same rules to this situation that you would to any other piece of news. I didn't understand this at first, but from lurking on threads, I can now understand this logic.

I have heard this too, here and IRL. I would, however, go email over text. With email, she may have some clue what's up by the subject line and be able to wait until she's ready to open it. A text could accidentally "ambush" her at a bad time. Honestly, my close friends tend to share pregnancy news by email anyway, though perhaps we are unusual there.

usernameneededallaretaken

Whether it is done in person, over phone or via letter or text, lead with how much you love her and respect her emotions regarding this topic. Tell her you didn't expect to have this news to share before she did and that you will give her any space she may need from your pregnancy.

Consider telling her before the end of your first trimester (If she can keep quiet). This helped us in a similar situation. It was my sister I was dreading telling. We told her before anyone else so she had time to talk it out with her husband/be upset/adjust before she had to see other people congratulating/discussing/etc.

thechristyfamily

Well, I ended up doing it in person. I was put on the spot when her husband straight out asked us if we were pregnant yet

Xstatic3333

thechristyfamily said:

Well, I ended up doing it in person. I was put on the spot when her husband straight out asked us if we were pregnant yet

Yikes, sorry you were put in that position. Did it go ok?

thechristyfamily

Yeah. I can tell she was upset but she has been trying to be nice about it. We hung out the day after and I decided not to mention it, but she brought it up a couple of times, so I think she'll be fine.

HookEmNelson

Well you handled it the best you could and you were considerate enough not to throw it back in her face in any way. You're a good friend.

RiverSong15

thechristyfamily said:

Well, I ended up doing it in person. I was put on the spot when her husband straight out asked us if we were pregnant yet

I think that's kind of crappy of her husband to put her in that position! In any case, glad it went OK.

MNturnsVA

It's a hard position to be in for sure.  I think my best friend told me over the phone.  I'm so excited for them but so jealous too.  She's getting closer to her due date and it has not helped at all with my baby fever!!! 

Hopefully she'll be able to get over it and process it in her own time and be supportive.  

nerdymama15

Just for future reference. Just don't be surprised if she does not hang out with you as much in the future. I'm not saying it will happen, I just know how and what I did when my BFF got pregnant.  And if that does happen, it isn't due to her being mad at you or disliking you.  I speak from experience.  My BFF got pregnant twice before I did.   She lost her first and her second was a rainbow baby.  Then I got pregnant and lost mine and still have not gotten pregnant again.  I know during the times she was pregnant I was super jealous and did not want to hang out with her much because I could not control my emotions (or my pity party as I liked to call it sometimes lol).  It is still hard watching all the FB posts she has up of all her baby's firsts, etc.  But it's not as bad as it was.  If she does back away some, just give her time.   It is possible to be polite and act normal somewhat to your face and then burst into tears later.  It gets harder and harder to hang out with someone who is pregnant when you really want to be pregnant. 

paisleybrown

I am currently struggling with infertility. My FB feed is blowing up with babies and pregnancy announcements, which is pretty common for anyone my age. I also work as a case manager for people on welfare. I swear, I am the only one in the world who has a vacant uterus. I'm pretty reasonable about all of it, but it's challenging not to feel jealous. Regarding the texting idea, I've received this news via text from some of my very close girlfriends and I have to say, it made it a bit easier. I don't have any difficulty feeling excited and happy for my friends who are pregnant, but it's nice to be able to have an initial reaction that might not meet their expectations privately. That being said, I've also been told over the phone or in person and I appreciate that as well. Ultimately, I think it depends on the person. I have one acquaintance who is also struggling and she has actually informed people how she'd like to be told when her friends become pregnant. She wants to be told outright, either in person, phone or text and just doesn't want to hear it through the grapevine. 

Unfortunately, you were put on the spot, but I'm sure that weight was lifted. Even though I'm experiencing my own struggles, I would hate for one second for my friends and family to feel their happiness be minimized because they have to tip toe around my feelings. I would think a true best friend would share this sentiment.