Thanks for listening..

kgeiges

I'm 9 weeks pregnant with our third baby. I have two beautiful daughters who are both about to turn 5 and 3. This pregnancy was a surprise, but I'm now very excited and was very happy to find out all looked well at our 8 week first appointment. Here comes the but, my husband and I are not getting along. It's been years actually. The real problems started on super bowl Sunday. He got physical with me so I ran the girls upstairs and locked us in the bathroom and called the police. They were here in minutes and after awhile they got him to leave. I was scared he would come back, I had the girls in my bed but I was up all night. I was on Facebook and this guy I work with started chatting with me about the football game. He was a friend and I was so heartbroken and scared I ended up telling him what had happened that night. He asked if I needed anything, but we kept chatting throughout that next week. It was never, ever my intention.. But feelings started to develop. I looked forward to seeing him at work, I looked forward to chatting with him on my phone. And things with my husband just got worse. He is very angry, loses his temper. My neighbors have seen it and have asked my many times if I'm ok. Long story short. My husband found all of these messages with this guy and he flipped. He told everyone in both our families, threatened this guy. It was horrible. He told two of my friends, one of which I work with. It was bad. But I was not me at that point. I felt beaten down. I felt numb. I kinda still do. Anyways. Fast forward. I'm nine weeks pregnant and he can't drop it. He constantly yells at me and puts me down. I know it's wrong, but I just wish for that friendship, and Maybe it was more, from that guy. All I do is cry. And all my husband does is yell. I feel so broken and I just want to be calm for this little one in my belly. I'm sorry, thanks for listening.

Vamason89

Your story reminds me a lot of my friend's. She left her husband and has been happier ever since. Her daughter was 4 at the time and has adjusted quite well.

I'm not saying leaving is the only option but if he isn't willing to change himself then for your safety and your children's safety, you need to go. I'm guessing the relationship you have with your husband is not the kind you want for your kids. What they see you do is often an indicator of what they will do. Maybe see about counseling as a family, a couple or just for yourself.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find the strength to do what is necessary!

ChrissyD1203

I watched my mom be physically abused by my dad from about ages 5-7 until they separated. I am so sorry for your pain and struggle. I can't imagine and can't even begin to fathom how hard it would be to leave. However, if you need a reason, please do it for your kids. My life has been forever affected by my experience- my sisters and I have struggled with our relationships with men, trust and intimacy our whole lives. I have also had a resentment for my mom for being what I considered weak and not protecting me (not that I was ever abused- I just felt unsafe). I am so so sorry for your situation and do not judge you at all regardless of what decision you make - I merely hope to give you motivation to leave if that is what you are thinking of doing.

winnie1122

I don't have any good words or advice for what you're going through, other than I'm sorry you're going through it. For what it's worth, praying for you and your girls and I hope the situation gets better for your family and precious new baby!

lyannast

My biological father abused my mumma for 14 years of marriage. If it's not the first time it's happened, get out. If it is the first time bit it happens again or the psychological abuse keeps up, get out. As a child who lived through that, I can definitely say I am glad my Mum left him. I was ten at the time, seeing my mum happy is the best thing ever. At the time of the separation there were seven of us, between the ages of 13 and 3. It's hard,but my mum did it and I wouldn't have it any other way.. Kids pick things up, they don't like to see their mum sad.

flutepharm87

Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, especially when the abuser is the father of your children. However, think of the example that you're setting for your girls. They're getting to the age where they're noticing what's going on and remembering things. You don't want them to grow up thinking that it's OK for a man to treat his wife like this. Not to mention, what if he turns on them? Get in touch with your outside support system and get those precious girls out of that situation. I know that I'm not you or in your shoes, this is just my two cents. No one should have to live in fear of abuse at the hands of someone who is supposed to take care of them. I'm so sorry you're going through this

CanDGrrl

I’m sorry.  You did the right thing by removing yourself from the situation. The safety of your girls and yours is what’s most important here.  Was this the first time he became physical with you?  What set him off?  You know those details; that’s enough.

You need some marriage counseling. Have you discussed that at all?  It sounds like you’re seeking out some kind of emotional connection that you’re not getting from DH.  If it’s been years since you really had a great relationship, it’s time to do something about it.  Do you discuss that loneliness you’ve been feeling?  Do you even feel safe to do that right now?

There’s no easy answer here.  I’d definitely encourage you to seek out some professional help.  A great counselor can get you where you once were.  Do you both own up to mistakes?  Are you both willing to do the work to get past this?  Hurts don’t go away on their own; you both have some things to work on.  Expecting him to forget about the messages without talking through all the emotions may be too much to ask.  Again, I’m not condoning his behavior, but I’m trying to see both sides of the story. 

If he’s not willing to work on his anger, you’d have no other choice than to keep yourself safe and away from him.  I hope you’ll speak up and let him know what you need from him.  Communication is so important in marriage.  *Hugs*  

~Candie~ with an -IE

Snoopylovesbelle

If you don't feel safe it's time to go. If you feel alone and beaten down it's time to go. Gather up your girlfriends and other important people to help you pack while he's at work and leave.
My mom left my dad on my birthday when I was 9. It was the best brithday that year. The yelling, fear and sadness was going to stop. It's hard and it won't be an easy road but it's an easier and safer road than the one you are going down.

Blueyedsky

His behavior is definitely wrong, but if you actually want things to work out with him you can't go other places for the emotional relationship. You need to decide what you're going to do about it. You have to talk to him about how things are going. Put a camera recorder up and address the issue with him. If he gets physical, you'll have evidence for court. You might be able to work things out at this point, but only if both parties are interested. Explain that you've both done things the other didn't like (whether or not they're comparable) and ask if he wants to move on. Give yourselves a time deadline so you're not in limbo forever, and make ground rules like no physicality and no talking to other men you might have feelings for.

This is also all assuming you actually want things to work out. If you're already gone, doing any of this isn't going to help at all. And he has to want it too.

It can be really helpful for couples to go through their wedding albums together and remember the "good times" if they're trying to make it work again. Just remember that abuse is never ok, but most couples who decide not to go through with a divorce and work on it instead find their happiness again within a couple of years.

*source: studying to be a marriage therapist. You have to decide what's best for you and your family though.

ElleJay82

I don't really have advice for you- although as a child of divorce, as much as it stunk, I had two homes where the parents were pretty happy- and that was far better than some of my friends who had one unhappy home.  Mostly I just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do will be the best thing- and best for the kiddos.  Everyone deserves someone who makes them happy most, if not every day. And there is someone out there for everyone that will do that.  Sending good thoughts your way and I hope whatever you do you are happy with the decision!

mrussello

That's a terrifying situation that you're in. I am sorry that you're in it. You seem to already know what you need to do and soon. You just have to realize that you are worthy of better. Psychological, emotional and physical abuse is nothing easy and it stays for a very long time. He's trying to make it uncomfortable for your friends and coworkers to isolate you. That's controlling and it will continue to get worse until one of you seeks help. Your kids do realize and they want you to be happy too. I know this because, like others here, I've lived it. You e felt what a supportive friendship is like from the other guy and that's what relationships are meant to be. I do hope you find peace and support. Our board seems pretty amazing for that too.