I Think We're About Due for a MIL Rant...

JandJ62914

So I need to get this off my chest and see if I'm overreacting...

Yesterday my husband's side of the family got together for Father's Day.  It was my husband's parents and his sister, her husband, and their kids, but also my sister-in-law's husband's family.  There were about 15 people there all together.  Anyway, while we were at the get together my MIL had all kinds of comments about not seeing us enough, how she'll probably never see the baby and how she's sure we won't call her when I go into labor...she's usually dramatic, so I'm used to the annoying comments.  But then I noticed her looking me up and down and was especially eyeing up my stomach. (Which, as you can imagine, is bloated.) Then she cups her hand around her mouth and lowered her voice a notch to a pretend whisper and feigning discretion she says, "So, let me ask you...how much weight have you already gained?"  IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.  The way she said it, it was clear she thought I've put on weight, but it was also clear that she knew she shouldn't be asking.

I was shocked and I wish I had reacted in a way that let her know I didn't appreciate the question...but I had just been to the doctor a few days prior and I've maintained the same weight so far. So I told her how at my appointment that I found out I hadn't gained any weight yet and then to hide my embarrassment I made a joke about how I always make DH turn around when I get on the scale because I don't want him to know the number. The fact that I haven't gained weight yet immediately shut her up, but the more time that passes, the more upset about it I am! What If I HAD gained a lot of weight already, does she really think I want everyone to know how much? I feel like it was rude and insensitive, but I also know that I'm hormonal and don't know if I'm overreacting.  I just know that I would never say that to someone. Whether they're a man or a woman, pregnant or not pregnant, I would never...

jem8407

I just ranted about mine sharing our news! MILs can be great and they can be jerks. I am sorry she was rude to you in front of everyone and was a drama queen.
My revenge plan is to avoid her for a while and let her be the last to know anything else we hear evil, I know, but it makes me feel better.
Good luck!

JandJ62914

@jem8407 UGH, no she didn't!! That is not cool.  Mine is so pissed that we haven't let her say anything yet, but I have to say she HAS kept our secret so at least I have that going for me!  So sorry that yours shared your news. That's really disappointing that you can't trust her.  

I like your revenge plan though. I may have to do the same. I mean, she already thinks we won't call her when I go into labor anyway lol.

mamaksweez

You're so polite I would have answered, "and this is why we avoid seeing you." And walked away. Ugh. Sorry, you are not at all over reacting!

jem8407

@JandJ62914 oh she did! We told her to keep it secret and she told everyone!
Lol your MIL deserves to be left out of the loop!
Even more naughty; you could point to her stomach and grasp your mouth next time lol

jferrer1212

Agh....MIL are terrible ....what makes them inherently terrible!!!! I like that whole, yea, ull just be the last to know any future info & news Idea. I can't stand mine at all. Niltch, nada. It feels so forced, uncomfortable, & spiteful or with an adjenda. OK, those feelings out haha. Glad we can atleast vent our problems out here & get support! Hang in there ladies...We're not alone in this haha ;-)

ChipMonster

Oh man, my MIL used to ask me this constantly throughout my entire pregnancy last time. I would just shoot her a dirty look and say I don't know, then quickly walk away. I usually tell her everything last and I don't talk to her about anything unless necessary.

steph_pegasus

Haha it just depends on how snarky you are willing to be.
I hate when anyone asks me any questions or makes comments about pregnancy/newborn plans. Doesn't matter if they're relations or not.
You could have said back, "none, how much have you gained?"
I had an obnoxious coworker last time I was pg who said, "you're getting big." Needless to say I didn't take kindly to it, and replied "at least I'm pregnant so I have a reason. What's your excuse??" He didn't have an answer.
Try to be patient though, even though its irritating as hell it's usually coming from good intentions because they're excited. And from experience, its going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

l4rk

OMFG, I wouldn't have been able to hide my horror. The worst thing my MIL has done is say that she will let us share the news with others and then look bothered when I said, "thanks, but we also aren't telling anyone else until at least the second trimester". (Okay, I'm just bragging; my MIL is the best!)

willashbaby

Oh boy. I have a wack a doodle MIL too. I usually just respond to her by dispassionately answering Her questions and moving on. The less of a reaction I give her the less satisfying it is. She's learned that she doesn't ruffle me so she's backed off A LOT. Especially once she realized we were keeping her out of the loop. Problem solved.

teachmegs817

That is pretty rude.  My MIL was in shock when we told her, which kind of took me by surprise. It's as if she didn't think we were ready, or ever would have kids, kind of reaction.  She did apologize and said she is happy for us and was just talking with DH's sister about how it would only be a matter of time before we told them; SURPRISE.  So I asked DH afterwards, why she was in such shock then, if she knew it would be something she'd be hearing within the next year?  My SIL is the one who actually irritated me the most with this reveal.  We bought her an Alex and Ani "Aunt" bracelet, because she has quite a few and sent it to her with a card and everything announcing our pregnancy.  Her response was in a group text to DH and I that said these 3 things; "Holy F***" , "Wow, just wow...congrats" and then about 5-6 hours later on in the day she said "Wow...." again.  I almost wish we just sent her a text saying; "Hey we're pregnant" instead of making anyone wait to blab it to her or send her any sort of gift.  She has since to even acknowledge our pregnancy. 

DaphneMoon1

No way! That's so over the line! I can't believe she had the nerve to ask you that period, much less in front of people.

She's obviously going to keep asking you, so you need a game plan. I would lie and tell her I lost weight. "I've lost 5 lbs and the doctor's concerned." That way she will never tell you to watch what you eat or criticize your choices. What a bitch!

I don't see my mother in law that often. We did see her for Father's Day and she was obviously trying to force feed me strawberries. I get it lady! Back off!

JandJ62914

@willashbaby That is the EXACT term I use to describe my MIL...wack a doodle! Glad I'm not the only one. I usually brush it off or ignore her comments, but this one stuck with me!  She's definitely making me want to keep her out of the loop though.

claireloSC

OMG so horrible. We told my MIL we would find out the sex and she goes "Oh you can't wait" in a super nasty tone. I realize it wasn't an option when she was pregnant, but don't knock it till you've tried it! I just told her "don't say that, that's not nice" and she stopped.

JandJ62914

@teachmegs817 That's disappointing.  Definitely NOT the reaction you want from the baby's soon to be aunt. That bracelet was such a sweet way to tell her the news too!

JandJ62914

@daphnemoon1 You're right, she probably will continue to ask, especially as my belly starts to actually grow.  I LOVE that game plan. Thank you! 

And thank you to everyone for validating my feelings! You guys are awesome. So happy we have each other to help us navigate all the ups and downs of our pregnancies.  

ashin121

I don't think that's hormones. You should be upset! I was shocked/upset for you too when I read your rant!

Don't mil know that if they want to see their son or grandkids, they better be nice to the dil? There's a saying that you should always have one daughter because it's usually the daughters that take care of you when you're old. Most men choose their wives over their family as they take lead and care for their own family. So in a family argument most men will side with the wife. I know since my husband and I started dating I've been making him call his mom at least once a week because I really value family relations (before he was horrible at calling her).

Hang in there op

mommaSimpkin

When we told my MIL I was pregnant she responded with "I figured she was". Because it was known that I had my birth control removed two months prior to us telling her the news.
Instead of saying she was happy, or telling us congratulations, it was "I figured". Ugh...

And a total non pregnancy topic.
DH and I are going home for the Fourth of July. (We live in Texas, traveling home to michigan).
EVERY single day she contacts DH with new plans she's thought of. She doesn't even ask if we have plans or not. She just says "oh, you need to come out to the camp site", or "oh, we're going to see your uncle".
Like we are adults, and DO have plans to see other people other than her!!!
Not to mention, that whole family definitely makes me feel discluded. They say things like "I miss my brother" or "I miss my son". Rather than "we miss you both".
The only reason I can even think of that they may want to see me, is because I'm pregnant with HIS baby. As I know that's how they see this baby.

I don't know why my MIL peeves me so much, or why I let her get under my skin, but damn it. I could scream at her some times.

ChelseyBels

Oh no. So not okay. I'm sorry she was so rude. Maybe ask your husband to be in charge of handling her for this pregnancy? That would probably make your pregnant life so much easier. What does husband say about all this?

BethP321

It seems to me like MILs feel like it's THEIR pregnancy. Lady, you had your turn already! Back off!! We are young mommy/daddy to be and we live with his family for the meantime until we get on our feet. As much as I'm grateful for their support and hospitality, I can't even wake up in the morning and get breakfast without a 30-45 lecture on things she's said about 20 times already. I just want cereal.. not a speech. I appreciate everything she's done already, and it's obvious my rant is not nearly as bad as others, but she's already dictating this entire pregnancy and I'm not even out of the first trimester yet. Fingers crossed...

BritDillinger

mamaksweez said:

You're so polite I would have answered, "and this is why we avoid seeing you." And walked away. Ugh. Sorry, you are not at all over reacting!

This. This x100. You reacted very well in that situation. What she said was incredibly rude and very out of place.

ljalmeida

All of these posts make me so sad for you guys! I can't imagine having to deal with that on a regular basis. I've never really thought about how extremely lucky I am to have a wonderful MIL, but I won't take it for granted now. I hope things get better OP, I would be furious if ANYONE said that to me... Let alone family.

raychelmarie33

Wow I'm so sorry!! You have every right to be upset and irritated! I am definitely not a confrontational person and don't like conflict so I usually end up being more passive than I would like...but if it continues to be an issue maybe it's worth saying something to her in private and give her the benefit of the doubt to shape up and chose her words better!
If not? Spend majority of your time with positive people around you and try not to let her negativity effect you too much!

missperky

Bless all you ladies who still deal with their awful MILs. We choose not to communicate with DH's mother, she'll be lucky if she finds out about LO before they're born.

Edit: being derpy and leaving out key words.

MollyA1011

Haha yes!!! I'm with you on this one! I don't tolerate rude people very often!

hbonwes

If it makes you feel any better, my mil rubbed my belly at my husband's cousin's baby shower and asked if there was anything I wanted to tell everyone (in front of everyone)!!! And i wasn't even pregnant at the time!!! Ugh....needless to say, I avoid being in her company

sjames2

My MIL is just annoying. Always has been. I'm obviously bloated and fat to start. When we told her the news she said "I saw you were gaining weight so I guessed it". Since then, 3 weeks it's been every day "How's mommy to be? How's momma? How are we doing today? You are expecting you need to eat more or eat for 2". All of these while she's touching my fat belly. I did tell her that all she's doing is touching fat, there is no baby that high up yet.
Sorry MIL can be so weird, mean, annoying....
My mom won't leave me alone about my diet which is almost just as annoying. I had GD with my daughter so she's trying to make me eat tons of protein. I can't stomach meat right now but she keeps pushing it on me and taking away my carbs.

JandJ62914

@chelseybels Husband always says his mom is wacky...he apologized several times that it happened and said sensitivity and discretion are not her strong points. Which is true lol.

SullyN

That's terrible!! My MIL was ridiculous with my first but I've learned her ways. I now understand that with her she is insecure to the max so if she even thinks she's been left out of the loop be prepared for tears. We lived with her during DH's deployment and all I heard about was how we lie with her yet she never sees us. Every time we see her, it's that we haven't seen her enough. Every time you call it's you haven't called enough. Also, if anything is bugging her she won't come out and say it. I just found out a few weeks ago that she was never getting any of my updates I was texting the whole family during DH's deployment 4 years ago so she thought I hated her and cried herself to sleep every night. Mind you, I was living with her and would leave handwritten notes for her with updates on his leave, etc but she knew I was texting everyone and instead of asking to be included when she realized she wasn't getting them or mentioning it to anybody else she instantly decides you hate her. Once I realized that's her instant reaction to everything I've been obsessive!

JandJ62914

@hbonwes NO...HOW RUDE!!! What is wrong with these women?! It really is shocking to me that there are people out there that behave this way!

bmclairey

You're definitely not alone OP (or anyone else). My MIL lives with her foot in her mouth. She recently told my hubby it was selfish that we weren't hurrying about getting pregnant. Selfish because she is under the impression a grandchild will fulfill her empty nest syndrome. We are planning to tell the outlaws this weekend- after our 12 wk scan tomorrow. I actually don't want to tell her. She will make it all about her and will try to Molly- coddle and will def give her opinions on whatever comes to mind. I stopped hockey this season because we were TTC and she keeps asking if I miss it and will I play anything else. She ran for a lot of her 4 pregnancies so I'm sure I will continually get comments about my weight/exercise etc etc. I am just going to say 'I'm doing what works for me'. 'My doc supports my behaviour so far ' and 'actually I'm not concerned with a few extra kg's on me- I'm more concerned about our unborn child than my vanity.' I'm still going to do my own exercise but I'm not her, and I don't want to be. I hope your MIL backs the fire-truck off.

bella2210

Wow do I belong on this page! My SO and I just finished a therapy session because of MIL. We now have an assignment on setting an agreed set of boundaries! I recommend this highly as it has eased much of my discomfort! My heart goes out to any other ladies in this predicament. This lady had been a nightmare since I became pregnant.

hillkat2

I know this sounds awful but I'm thankful you guys also have crazy MILs. It makes me feel a bit better that I'm not alone. 

My husband and his mother have a toxic relationship and I'm often in the middle. My latest example is she called him this weekend and didn't say anything about Father's Day (my parents had sent a card and gift to my husband). When he kind of prodded her, she said she forgot because we aren't allowing her to post on FB about it so she feels like she can't tell anyone and the baby isn't real. She was at my house two weeks before feeling my belly. Plus we know she told her whole family and most of her friends. It's like she says stuff to make you mad. And now I have little to no patience for it. UGH.

kemerson531

We haven't even told my MIL yet. She is literally the last to know about our pregnancy (my DH's choice, not mine.) She has a long history of drug abuse, and her mental reasoning has been dramatically altered. She cries literally EVERY time I see her, and I just don't think we're ready to deal with her whirlwind of irrational emotions. We need to tell her soon though or I'm going to be visibly pregnant the next time I see her...

claireloSC

bmclairey said:

You're definitely not alone OP (or anyone else). My MIL lives with her foot in her mouth. She recently told my hubby it was selfish that we weren't hurrying about getting pregnant. Selfish because she is under the impression a grandchild will fulfill her empty nest syndrome. We are planning to tell the outlaws this weekend- after our 12 wk scan tomorrow. I actually don't want to tell her. She will make it all about her and will try to Molly- coddle and will def give her opinions on whatever comes to mind. I stopped hockey this season because we were TTC and she keeps asking if I miss it and will I play anything else. She ran for a lot of her 4 pregnancies so I'm sure I will continually get comments about my weight/exercise etc etc. I am just going to say 'I'm doing what works for me'. 'My doc supports my behaviour so far ' and 'actually I'm not concerned with a few extra kg's on me- I'm more concerned about our unborn child than my vanity.' I'm still going to do my own exercise but I'm not her, and I don't want to be. I hope your MIL backs the fire-truck off.

THISSSSS!!! My MIL tried to get me to take some weird enzymes because she didn't have morning sickness or even realize she was pregnant with either of her kids. Like, morning sickness is normal, there's nothing wrong with me, F off. I get to choose what I put in my body lady, not you.

lyannast

Oh god, yes. My partners mum is a nightmare sometimes... He's from a rough family and isn't close with anyone but one of his brothers but I try to keep his mum in the loop because I feel sorry for her. My partners older brother is a drug addicted, woman bashing loser and his gf got a restraining order against him so he can't see his daughter anymore (good on her) but neither can my partners mum. So this is the first grandbaby she'll have whose life she'll be allowed to be in. I invited her to my 12 week scan in a couple days and she's coming down but bringing her youngest son who just fights, swears and is generally just not well behaved... Sucks for me because scans really worry me due to bad past experiences so I just want quiet and to hear all the details peacefully. I feel guilty saying it but I wish we hadn't told her. She's already annoyed at us because we're not telling anyone til the second trimester and she's been slowly telling people. And yesterday she got annoyed because she asked me when my partner was going to tell his older brother.. I said 'he's not, he doesn't want that negative influence in his child's life' thats our decision. My biological father and his big brother are complete f**kwits. No way either of them are a part of our little ones life. She's just stressing me out. I'm now not looking forward to my scan

Sahara26

Thankfully, we no longer communicate with DH's mother. I can only imagine the crazy she would bring to this pregnancy. She and DH didn't have an awful relationship previously. But he decided to completely cut off the relationship with her and her side of the family after a family tragedy shed some light on them (and not in a good way).

But I do have a great relationship with my step-mother-in-law!

mrsgetz4000

Sorry you ladies have difficult in laws. I love mine, and she is thrilled we are expecting our first, and her fifth grandchild. My rant is that we rent her big house in the country. When we relocated from Florida to Pennsylvania she had this great big house all to herself. When we started looking for our own home she thought it would be best for everyone if she moved and we rented the house. Well, she has a gorgeous condo and stores piles of stuff her. She moved out three years ago and we still have antique furniture, totes and boxes of useless stuff that I should put in a dumpster. Filing cabinets. My husband and her have fought about it and she just gets hysterical. My home is incredibly cluttered with junk and now we have a baby coming and her junk has to go. She better get a move on it before I go into bitch mode

TinyDancer51510

You're all evil and I love it! ;-)

Girl, you have every right to be pissed. That was rude and she obviously knew it. Keeping her out of the loop sounds like a great plan to me!

MissMheMhe

Usually my MIL is great!! Until she starts offering up outdated pregnancy advice! My DH was telling her about our cloth diapering venture and the first thing she says is "You need to convince her to use pampers, not cloth!! That's just gross!!" Then she goes on about rubber pants, pins, swishing in the toilet. All I said was how different they are now and that they are pretty much as easy as sposies and that washing them really isn't that big of a deal. Then we are talking about what we are going to eat. DH starts naming off restaurants and each one she has something to say about the food..."Oh you shouldn't eat any pasta because of GD" "You shouldn't eat hot sauce, it could cause heartburn" "You should really only eat veggies so your baby gets the good stuff from them" GAH!!!! Lady, just shut up and let me enjoy my hot wings, will ya???
In all honesty, I think she is really excited to have her first grandchild join the family. Thankfully my mom isn't like this at all!

leahabattle

What is it about the MAN'S mother?  Obviously they were all pregnant at some point in time!  OP: You are totally right to be upset about it!

I love my MIL, she is sweet, but we really don't see her very much at all.  I think distance is key!