Advice needed-not about pregnancy

ErinLily44

The father of my baby girl who is due in October has recently turned up saying that he wants to be a part of it. When I told him he walked out on me and I had to manage on my own. He's saying that he wants to help out with the kid but not be in a relationship. I'm worried that he might disappoint me again but I feel like I can't deny him access to his child! I really don't know what to do. My mum just wants me to forget about him but I can't. Please give me your opinions, the more the better

Telebell

Well at least he's being honest about not wanting to be in a relationship, although it would hurt me too if my partner said that. By support, what does he mean? Child support? Visitation? He can have visitation without a relationship with you- it's likely his right unless there's a history of violence or abuse. And I hope you're planning to get child support from him! If he's going to give it voluntarily, that's wonderful, but if not or he's inconsistent about it then through the courts.

I don't think you can legally deny him the right to see his child out of fear of you getting emotionally hurt, at least not here in NY. It's about what's best for the child.

eat111315

I agree with @Telebell about having your baby's best interest in mind, and I don't doubt that you do.

The way I look at it is: he doesn't have to have a relationship with you but walking away from you when you told him you were pregnant is a real jerk move. I would want to know what changed his mind.

Then, I would suggest thinking about what your expectations are of him regarding the baby (not you), and have a sit down meeting with him. Find out what his expectations are, figure out what will work best for your situation. Get it in writing from him. Even if you don't want to go through the courts now at least you'll have something in writing about your agreement in case you need to take him to court down the line.

J1D

Whatever you decide, do it through the courts! Legal, legal, legal! You owe it to yourself and your child to not be jerked around.

If he's a good guy- aside from the part where he walked out on you- it could be good for your baby to have a relationship with her dad.

If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, that sucks but at least he's being honest. I would suggest that if you are going to try and work out a way for him to be in his child's life you really focus on that - the relationship between him and his daughter.

Good luck! And please, please, please remember to get legal through the court agreements! Please trust me that you want it legally in writing for your protection. And consider talking with an attorney about issues like you retaining the right to do things like enroll your child in school, make medical decisions, or move without consulting him.

ErinLily44

Thanks so much for all the advice! Never would have thought about any of this and thanks for the support.

s&jeggerton

I agree w/ a previous poster who said to write everything down and to have a sit down discussion about expectations. I would give the guy a chance to be in your daughters life. Having a good father role model in a little girls life is a big deal. Hopefully he can fill those shoes for your daughter. Good luck  

ErinLily44

Really appreciate all the advice and suggestions guys! Thanks so much

przemosbabe

I unless you feel he will be a danger or abusive to his child, then he has just as much of a right to be in his child's life as you do, give him a chance is my vote,

knottymomma

Definitely go through the courts! Read everything and make sure that you can make life decisions without him. Don't let him put restrictions on you at all. My sister got screwed over by her ex who put in the court documents that she can't move more than 50 miles away from her ex as long as their daughter is under 18. Any more than that and she would have to get permission from him.

It's amazing the petty stuff people put in their custody papers. Good luck to you and don't let this guy walk all over you!

I would honestly make him prove that he wants to be part of the baby's life from now till baby comes. Total up all the expenses you've incurred pertaining to the pregnancy and tell him that if he wants to support his daughter this is what it has cost so far and he can pay you back. If he does, great! Drop it into a saving account in case you need it or for her college fund. But by doing this you will be able to make sure he is going to support her. From now on, half of all costs incurred. Medical bills, copays, prescriptions, anything major. And he should make an attempt to be at all appointments from now on.

ErinLily44

Thanks so much. I have spoken with him and he has agreed to meet up on the weekend to talk about it! You guys are great, thanks