anyone bring or plan on bringing little ones to the birth?

papeete

Hi, there,

I'm due in four days, and we're planning on bringing our 3-year-old to the birth. We know it's controversial and not that common, and we have a back-up plan if this totally blows up in our faces, but I was wondering if anyone else has done this and what your experience was or if you were planning on doing this and have any stories to share. 

Thanks in advance! :-)

ElRuby

I can't think of anything more traumatic for a three year old.

kbbtah

No. Just no.

katyertl

I don't think I would have any child of mine in the room. And at age 3?! To see that happen to their mom? I can only imagine how traumatizing that would be

henrytviii

Due to unforeseen circumstances (ie everyone answering the phone was at work and no one could get to us fast enough) our just turned 3 son came to the hospital with us.

One on hand it was a very cool experience for him to see the hospital, park in the big garage, take the elevator and drive his transformer car down the hallway. He settled me into the hospital bed, meet the nurses, saw the baby warmer. But I was already in a lot of pain at the peak of contractions and it was added pressure to hid this.

At 5cm he and DH went on a hunt for a treats and brought back some m&m's for them and Junior Mints for me. Cute but I was left laboring alone with a nurse I had just meet while my labor partner insulated our son from the fact that mom was in pain. He was picked up shortly after, thank goodness.

We definitely would not have had him stay longer. Watching me labor this time was traumatic for everyone involved and would have been terrifying for someone so young. As well we had a few heart rate dips and a baby stuck improperly positioned at 9cm. Even at his young age he would have read and understood the seriousness of the room at those times.

I am undecided if it was a good or bad thing that he came to the hospital with us. One on hand he had a very clear understanding of where I was while I was away for a few days and he meet the people keeping me safe and helping his baby brother be born. On the other had he's been asking me if my ouies are okay, if I am feeling good, if I have to go back to the hospital. I feel like we've created a role for him as my protector. And while I love the expression of empathy and concern from a 3 year old, he's a 3 year old. My recovery from childbirth is on his mind a little more than I am comfortable with. And this all happened even though we removed him from the situation, and I worked hard to hide my pain. If he had stayed just 10 minutes longer I would not have been able to do that.

So a very long answer but I wanted to explain why I would say no absolutely not. Even if you are planning on a medicated birth l, they may see you in much pain before meds arrive or if they aren't effective. As well if you have complications things could get very scary very quickly for a young one. Please reconsider.

EDIT: Sorry for all the typos, "one on hand" issues. Early am, typing while nursing, phone won't let me edit.

Kresla

This is something I would never do, especially at that age. However, it is an intimate family moment. If you feel like it's a good idea go for it. It is good that you have a back up plan. Just remember you and the new baby come first. Your husband should and needs to be there for you. If your 3 year old is causing problems or distracting, just remove the kid. Although it is very controversial, I can see both sides. Good luck and I hope it works out in your favor

Jennym2b

I think it's selfish and unfair to put a child through watching you in that pain. You're their mother, between the pain and the blood they are going to be trtraumatized.

ElRuby

Jennym2b said:

I think it's selfish and unfair to put a child through watching you in that pain. You're their mother, between the pain and the blood they are going to be trtraumatized.

Selfish was actually the first word that came to my mind... A 3 year old will not understand what the birth means other than "this baby is trying to kill my mom". Totally unfair to impose this experience on such a young child.

dancegurl1118

I have seen it firsthand and it is incredibly traumatic for the child. They are way too young to understand the concept of labor and productive pain. I don't think "controversial" quite covers my thoughts on the subject.

Sammy K

All kinds of crazy sh!t can happen during labor that you can't predict. The risk of trauma under good circumstances (to me) outweighs any potential loving moment. Labor with my first was horrific and I could never imagine putting DS through watching that. That was an additional reason I opted for an early induction - I didn't want DS to see me in that much pain. Things can go wrong quickly and even with backup you might still scare your LO in the worst way.

ETA just let me swear, autocorrect!

virginiaunicorn11

*

almakie

Look I understand how you want it to be an intimate family moment but do you want to run the risk of your 3 year old having the idea that this baby caused you pain and being traumatised?

Also what he plays up and your DH has to keep leaving you to meet 3 year olds needs, how would you feel being constantly left by yourself?

papeete

I'm surprised by how strongly negative the majority of responses are, and I guess I just had a very peaceful birth with my daughter. My labor was long (somewhere between 32 and 44 hours, depending on how you count), so I did have an epidural, never made any noises that would scare or upset a little one, and frankly, had a very pleasant birth experience. I was exhausted, so I slept all day and night, pushed (silently) for an hour, and gave birth to my daughter around 4am. There was no blood, and it was a thoroughly happy experience with no crises or mishaps throughout.

I wouldn't wake her up if it ended up being another middle-of-the-night birth, and I know things might not go as smoothly/perfectly this time around, but I'm also surprised you all think it's selfish. It would obviously be easier for me to just have my husband there-- I just didn't want my daughter to feel abandoned for days, so I was thinking she'd prefer to be with us. As a family, we usually stick together and travel together and so on, so she's generally used to being with us and has only spent one night away from both of us so far in her life (at a sleepover with her cousins). 

Our backup plan is for her to go back to her cousins' for a sleepover, and my in-laws are lovely people who have said to call them anytime/that they're happy to pick her up right away if things don't go as planned, so we felt comfortable giving this a try. My midwife said her four-year-old enjoyed being there for her birth, and I've heard of other older siblings who treasure these special memories and really liked feeling like they got to be a part of the amazing family experience, so I was just looking for more stories, but I obviously looked in the wrong place. 

On the one hand, I'm surprised that only one person (Kresla) was "nice" about this question. On the other hand, I guess that's what anonymous online forums are for-- brutal honesty. So, I can accept that I put myself out there and asked for it.

I guess it's just timing, but I just came across a lovely reminder to consider if what you're saying is true, kind and necessary before you say it, and the hostility from this group surprised me.

I'm more than happy to reconsider our choice, and we're lucky that we have local family who can appear in a moment's notice should things not go as peacefully as my first birth went.

Thanks for your feedback.

charliepepper

Personally I wouldn't be so quick to judge negatively. I've been present at many births where older sibs have stayed through the actual birth, and I've seen it go both incredibly well and not so well.

I think the key to making it a positive (or possible positive) experience for everyone is to be very honest about how you handle birth and how your well your child handles stress. I've seen 2-5 yr olds do amazingly well because of a relatively calm mom and because of their own personalities. It was obvious that they were prepped well before hand, too. Another thing that seemed common to the good experiences I saw was that there was a trusted family member or friend who was in charge of the sib and had been involved with prepping them. Also make your medical team aware of your plan and make sure they are on board!

Good luck! I have to say that the first time I saw this I was very skeptical. And it's still not something I would do personally because I wouldn't be able to handle it! But the times I saw that went well were absolutely beautiful. The times that didn't go well were still fine for the sins as long as they had a specified support person that whisked them away calmly and at the appropriate time.

ElRuby

papeete said:

I'm surprised by how strongly negative the majority of responses are, and I guess I just had a very peaceful birth with my daughter. My labor was long (somewhere between 32 and 44 hours, depending on how you count), so I did have an epidural, never made any noises that would scare or upset a little one, and frankly, had a very pleasant birth experience. I was exhausted, so I slept all day and night, pushed (silently) for an hour, and gave birth to my daughter around 4am. There was no blood, and it was a thoroughly happy experience with no crises or mishaps throughout.

I wouldn't wake her up if it ended up being another middle-of-the-night birth, and I know things might not go as smoothly/perfectly this time around, but I'm also surprised you all think it's selfish. It would obviously be easier for me to just have my husband there-- I just didn't want my daughter to feel abandoned for days, so I was thinking she'd prefer to be with us. As a family, we usually stick together and travel together and so on, so she's generally used to being with us and has only spent one night away from both of us so far in her life (at a sleepover with her cousins). 

Our backup plan is for her to go back to her cousins' for a sleepover, and my in-laws are lovely people who have said to call them anytime/that they're happy to pick her up right away if things don't go as planned, so we felt comfortable giving this a try. My midwife said her four-year-old enjoyed being there for her birth, and I've heard of other older siblings who treasure these special memories and really liked feeling like they got to be a part of the amazing family experience, so I was just looking for more stories, but I obviously looked in the wrong place. 

On the one hand, I'm surprised that only one person (Kresla) was "nice" about this question. On the other hand, I guess that's what anonymous online forums are for-- brutal honesty. So, I can accept that I put myself out there and asked for it.

I guess it's just timing, but I just came across a lovely reminder to consider if what you're saying is true, kind and necessary before you say it, and the hostility from this group surprised me.

I'm more than happy to reconsider our choice, and we're lucky that we have local family who can appear in a moment's notice should things not go as peacefully as my first birth went.

Thanks for your feedback.

There was no blood? That sounds like a pretty interesting news story....

papeete

@charliepepper: Thanks. That's really helpful. :-) 

I'm not married to having my daughter with us at the birth, and I'll talk with my husband again tonight to see if he has any second thoughts, too. I am a generally calm mom, we had super mellow instrumental music playing throughout my last birth (it really was a sweet and peaceful birth!), and my daughter is also quite calm, so maybe we are the exception to the norm, but I also don't want to traumatize my sweet little girl in case things don't go quite as smoothly and peacefully this time. 

So, thanks again for the reality-check reminder that each birth can be very different. I'd hoped for an all-natural birth last time and was fine letting that go when things didn't work out that way, but I would definitely regret it if we brought our daughter, and it ended up being a scary experience for her. And since we're lucky enough to have family offering to help, maybe it would make sense to take them up on their offer. (Of course, one of the reasons I hesitated with that option is that they seem to always be sick and will come over/invite us over without telling us, and I really don't want my newborn around sick people who are going to want to hold and kiss him/her...) :-p (Anyway, that's another story that better communication should take care of.)

JessHeppell

i feel like a 3 year old would be bored waiting for that long. getting jumpy and impatient that their sibling is taking so long (but your kid you know it best). i dont think i see a problem with letting her be there, but i would have a relative or close friend there to nanny her while your partner stays with you. i also would keep her up by your head while pushing as i can see a lot of kids playing "house" a little.. uhh.. differently after seeing their mom push a baby out of her.
if your birth really was mellow and nice then i dont see why not. (these ladies are talking from experience and may not have had such mellow times. hence the "negativity"

i can see it being traumatizing if something goes wrong. it could give your child the mindset of "you did this to her" if something big were to go wrong. (which obviously nobody hopes for)

if you really want her there then do it. in my opinion though just have someone else there watching her, and maybe even give her the choice to be in the room for pushing.

papeete

@Jess: Thank you for your message. :-)

So far, my daughter is super excited to be there for "our" baby to come out, and she knows I am going to push it out (she finds this funny). We also don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl, so she's really excited to find out.

I definitely wasn't going to have her watch the actual birth details-- but I like the idea of her being there and close (she's a big snuggler) when the baby is cleaned up and put on my chest. 

As for the long wait, we don't watch TV at home, so we were planning on bringing a bunch of movies for her to watch to pass the time. On a long international flight in December, she watched "Frozen" about five times in a row (practically without moving!) and loved it. And recently, we took her out for ice cream, and she was so engrossed in watching the TV they had there, she didn't even notice when my husband and I snuck out of the room (to see if she would look away from the TV for a second-- nope!). So, we figured it was a good time to let her indulge in some Pixar movies. ;-)

Anyway, thanks again. :-)

annatta79

I had a pretty quiet labor with my son; I didn't really start making any noise until I was pushing. I'm planning to keep him with us as long as possible and putting my mom in charge of him. When (if) the time comes that either my husband or I think it would be better for DS (19 months old) to not be there, either my mom will take him out or pass him off to my dad. I figure they can go get ice cream or something. Once the baby is here, we want DS to be with us as soon as possible. If we have to head off to the birth center in the middle of the night, then my folks will come stay with him at our house.

We've talked some about having a baby and mamas needing to make noise and I watched a lot of "Call the Midwife" with him around. When the ladies on the show would start moaning or yelling he would point at the video and say "baby?" I think you have to do what you can to prepare them, but it doesn't have to be a traumatic event. As long as you've got someone there who can take over and take the child away if it is needed, then I think it could be great.

papeete

@annatta: Thanks for the supportive message. :-) I've never heard of Call the Midwife-- will go check it out! This is sweet: 

We've talked some about having a baby and mamas needing to make noise and I watched a lot of "Call the Midwife" with him around. When the ladies on the show would start moaning or yelling he would point at the video and say "baby?" 

charliepepper

papeete said:

@charliepepper: Thanks. That's really helpful. :-) 

I'm not married to having my daughter with us at the birth, and I'll talk with my husband again tonight to see if he has any second thoughts, too. I am a generally calm mom, we had super mellow instrumental music playing throughout my last birth (it really was a sweet and peaceful birth!), and my daughter is also quite calm, so maybe we are the exception to the norm, but I also don't want to traumatize my sweet little girl in case things don't go quite as smoothly and peacefully this time. 

So, thanks again for the reality-check reminder that each birth can be very different. I'd hoped for an all-natural birth last time and was fine letting that go when things didn't work out that way, but I would definitely regret it if we brought our daughter, and it ended up being a scary experience for her. And since we're lucky enough to have family offering to help, maybe it would make sense to take them up on their offer. (Of course, one of the reasons I hesitated with that option is that they seem to always be sick and will come over/invite us over without telling us, and I really don't want my newborn around sick people who are going to want to hold and kiss him/her...) :-p (Anyway, that's another story that better communication should take care of.)

I would recommend to have your in laws there to watch her. Your husband needs to be there for you, and even if they can come at a moments notice, if your daughter needs to leave due to her preference, your preference, or God forbid a medical reason, it should be immediate. Good luck!

OnWayto3

I can definitely see multiple sides to this, and can appreciate your desire to include your daughter in the whole process. It sounds lovely to involve her as much as possible. That said, I do worry about the potential for negative things to happen. My sons are older (12 and 10 years old), and I briefly considered letting them attend the birth. Having gone through that now, I am SO GRATEFUL they weren't there! It was scary for them to see blood running down my legs when my water broke-- no matter how calm I remained, they sensed an urgency and began to feel panicky and worried.

I could have had them present through everything up until it came time to push-- I handled the contractions pretty well and remained calm; however, when I needed to push, all caution flew to the wind and I was in a massive state of panic. Granted, this very well may not happen to you, and I would've never expected it to happen to me, but it did. With the first two births, I stayed calm through it all; with this one, I had a psychological break down of sorts at that last moment, which wound up continuing for two hours. They used a vacuum extraction on me, which would've been scary as hell for my kids... and all things considered, this is a minor intervention. 

Please consider how your daughter will react if something unexpected happens; where will your dh be? What will you want from him? What will he be able to provide if your daughter is there? How long will it take family/friends to show up in an emergency? How will you feel if your daughter does witness you needing interventions (c-section, vacuum, blood transfusion, oxygen, etc)? What if she sees something bad happen to her baby brother/sister?  Again, these scenarios likely won't pan out, but what if they do?

Elieshar

My 10 yr old DD wants to be at the hospital and my 15 yr old SS isn't sure if he does. I'll allow DD to be there, as I want her to feel included in the birth of her baby brother, however, there is no way I want her in the room. She's old enough to understand what is happening but I just don't feel comfortable having her witness the whole process. I also don't want to be focussing on how she is doing rather than what I'm supposed to be doing. SS will come to the hospital whenever he's ready but DD wants to be one of the first to hold the baby.

To each his own... Whatever you feel your child is comfortable with and what YOU are comfortable with, I say go for it.

mrs1374a

What if you need an emergency c section? Like go right now. That happened to me with out first. Your husband would not be able to come in because no one is there to watch your 3 year old.

papeete

Thanks again, everyone. We have decided to have my in-laws take care of our daughter for the birth. It sounds like it *could* be this awesome, fairy-tale experience, but it sounds too risky when we think of everything that could go wrong. So, I'll be more relaxed (not worrying about my daughter's well-being while in labor), my husband and I can just focus on getting this next baby out, and our daughter can come meet her little sister/brother afterwards. It'll be great this way, too.

Thanks again for your opinions and feedback.

HoosOnFirst

I'm glad you found a solution that makes you happy and comfortable!

papeete

Thanks. :-)