What would you do?

furelise93

My husband's wonderful stepmom, and her daughter are hosting my baby shower. I'm so happy that they asked to throw me one. I can't wait! However, I have just been faced with a dilemma, and maybe I'm just overthinking it.

My husband's mom and dad went through a very nasty and bitter divorce a long time ago. They have both remarried and his dad has moved on like it never happened. However, his mom still clings to the bitterness and hatred towards her ex-husband because he's the one who wanted the divorce. Needless to say, every family event is very awkward because she sits back and is mad the entire time, and then starts drama because in her mind, there's no such thing as being civil, when everyone (including her ex's family) are extremely nice to her and her new husband and try to make them feel welcomed and comfortable.

Whew! Anyways. Here's the deal:

The shower is going to be at my FIL and Step-MIL's house. It just makes sense because it's big and accommodating to the amount of guests that will be there (approx 50). However, my SIL insists that we move it to her tiny, tiny house because my MIL will throw a fit that it's at her ex-husband's house. She's going to be pissed anyway when she finds out that my step-MIL is hosting the shower anyway. Am I being insensitive to want it to be at my FIL's house? Should I ask the hosts to move the location so my MIL doesn't throw a fit? Chances are, she won't come anyway, but she'll still throw a massive fit about it to all of my husband's family. Sigh. It's a "Damned if you do, and damned if you don't" type of situation, I guess.

danixbanani24

Honestly, it should be where your host wants to throw it and if that's her house, then that's it.  You should just say to your SIL "sorry they offered to throw it there and it is the most accommodating".  Trust me, I get family drama but it's not about them and their wants.  If your MIL wants to throw you a separate shower at your SIL's or wherever, then she can.  

furelise93

@danixbanani24 That's what I think too, it's just nice getting a perspective from someone who is on the outside looking in. Thank you!

Edit: stupid autocorrect.

BlueTopazBride

You can't make everyone happy. You are not doing anything wrong by graciously accepting an offer from someone who cares about you. Take it from someone who has a lot of experience worrying about trying to set the perfect stage to avoid conflict. If your MIL wants to make your baby shower about her divorce, and not about the exciting arrival of your baby, there is nothing you can do to stop that. Don't let her bitterness ruin the day.

Thunda88

We have the same issue in our family and the way we are dealing with it is by having two separate showers. My husband's step-mom is throwing one for us and inviting her family and his dad's family. His mom and sister are also throwing one and inviting his mom's family and friends

DylansCandyBar

danixbanani24 said:

Honestly, it should be where your host wants to throw it and if that's her house, then that's it.  You should just say to your SIL "sorry they offered to throw it there and it is the most accommodating".  Trust me, I get family drama but it's not about them and their wants.  If your MIL wants to throw you a separate shower at your SIL's or wherever, then she can.  

This. Your SIL is not the hostess. She needs to butt out.

FrozenMommy

Seriously, I go through this with mine. My MIL at least fakes nice though. But if she doesn't want to come, or she acts up, just ignore it. I have to ignore the passive aggressive comments my MIL makes, because if I didn't, I would rip her damn hair out!

JaqiDec04

The shower location is up to the host. If your MIL isn't happy about it, and can throw her own shower.

ErinLily44

It should be where ever you think is best and at the end of the day it is your shower so the host should do what's best for you!

LiveNLove44

I have a fit-throwing MIL, too, so I get it. It's so annoying and you want them to just grow up a little, right? PPs are spot on when they say that it should be where the hosts want it. You do not get to determine where the shower is thrown, IMO. Your MIL can attend if she wants, and if she'd rather stay home and pout and doesn't offer to host her own, then it's on her, not you. I know it's hard to let that happen, and you can always acknowledge how she's feeling, but at the end of the day, you are not throwing the shower. Your hosts are already being kind and gracious, which is far more than I can say for your MIL, so I'd go with it. Good luck!

kaya1111

My MIL is also a concern when it comes to joint family functions. I feel your pain. Bottom line is she didn't offer your step-MIL did and she has made a very generous offer. I think when your MIL starts to say anything she should be reminded of that. In addition, this is the first of many get togethers regarding your child. She can choose to be a positive participant or continue this self destructive path. Either way your child is going to see that behavior and associate with her for the rest of her life. Her choice, not yours, do not let it ruin your happy time!

smiles1212

It's your shower. If she can't be happy for you, that's her problem and reflects poorly on her, not you. You can't control other people and you certainly shouldn't need to cater to them over such petty things.

caffeinatedkat

She is being a stupid child. Treat her as one. Tell her since she does not accept the fact that someone wants to throw you a shower then you will have a second one at chuckle cheese for her. She can take photos with chuckle and wear the big girl crown.

saintpaulJess

smiles1212 said:

It's your shower. If she can't be happy for you, that's her problem and reflects poorly on her, not you. You can't control other people and you certainly shouldn't need to cater to them over such petty things.

This.  She can come to the shower or not.

LilliesMommyA

My mom refuses to even go to my shower regardless because she and my grandma got in a huge fight recently. She'll go if I say grandma can't, and I won't do that, she's the one acting like one of my 8th graders (I'm a teacher). The fact is you can't please everyone, so focus on what you think is best. The larger house is obviously better for your party size, if MIL doesn't like it, offer to go out with her separately and she can get something for the baby then. Family is crazy!!

furelise93

Thank you all so much for your input! I really appreciate it. The hosts told my SIL that we were not having it at her house, and if my MIL wants to be a child and pout, she can do so at her own house. Family is definitely crazy! Weddings and babies bring out the crazies, for sure.

jenspeake

Just gotta love family!   I understand why it might be awkward for your MIL to go to her ex-husband's house for a shower (or for any reason).  But Step MIL offered to throw it so it's her choice.  And I know them throwing a separate one, I assume would be an issue as well, because then it turns into a "which party are you going to?" controversy!  I would just go with the flow and with what's planned out for the day.  Let them argue about it.  I come from from a "broken home" and we just always made our parties at neutral locations to avoid having multiple parties or awkward situations.  And where's DH at with all of this?  I would be making him talk to his mother and staying out of it!

jefinley1

furelise93 said:

Family is definitely crazy! Weddings and babies bring out the crazies, for sure.

Having just had our shower at my mom and dad's house this weekend, all I can say is yes and yes to this. My husband's family is the exact same setup (very happily remarried dad, very bitter mom). To give a little gem from the day, while we were opening a gift from my FIL and step-MIL, I informed the room that the baby bibs they gave us had obviously been handmade by my step-MIL. They were so cute. At that point, one of my MIL's sisters yelled across the very intimate room to ask my lovely step-MIL "wait, who are you?" They have been married for nearly 10 years, and it was a small group of people. My husband had literally JUST said who the gift was from. 

It's fun isn't it? You're totally on point. Good luck!

furelise93

@jenspeake thank you! I agree. I told my husband that he's dealing with his mother and to have fun with that, lol. He agrees and thinks his mom just needs to suck it up and be civil. He's tired of all of the issues she tries to cause with family.

@jefinley1 that's awful! I hate that people have to be so petty. How awkward for your step-MIL!!

furelise93

@BrooklynBroussard hahaha, yes!! I agree!