The waiting is the worst part..

lyannast

I'm generally okay with anxiety lately but last time I got an ultrasound, I didn't sleep well for a week beforehand... My next one is in five days and I'm experiencing the same thing again... Ten years ago, I went to my Mum's ultrasound for my sister Eden Grace at 18.5 weeks and they couldn't find her heartbeat. I was twelve at the time and it was one of the most confusing, heartbreaking moments of my life. I was at her birth, I held her and loved her and my memory of her will never fade.. I have her life sized little handprint tattooed on me... I had never felt loss like that, and being pregnant for the first time brings that back so clearly. Ultrasounds terrify me. My brain goes crazy over the 'what ifs'. With my first scan I couldn't bring myself to look at my peanut until they found a heartbeat. This pregnancy still seems to good to be true. I'm excited for my 12 week scan but terrified that something will be wrong.
I didn't expect the terror that comes with pregnancy. Watching my Mum go through a loss, and feeling the loss of our little bird hurt so bad... I can't imagine the pain of losing one myself
To all the ladies who have experienced a loss, you are so amazing to me.

I know this is overly personal, but I'm even more terrified of loss because I don't think I could handle it at all... I have a history of mental health issues and have been detained for attempted suicide in my past... I've come so far but I don't think I could hold it together if it came to the worst...

I just want my baby to be safe and well..the love I feel already is overwhelming.

Sorry for pouring my heart out, I feel a bit silly. Probably just the late night and heightened emotions. I just can't seem to stop crying.

aphilli8

Are you talking to a therapist about these issues it on any mediations? I think it would be really beneficial to talk through the grief you're still experiencing, because sometimes tough times need a little more work than normal. This level of anxiety isn't normal and you shouldn't have to live like that. Im so sorry you're going through this and hope you feel better soon. Just remind yourself that right now your baby is healthy!

nanamp

Despite all the nausea etc, we aren't really thinking about me "really" being pregnant until it's safe to tell others. It may help a bit to think about yourself having a potential pregnancy as opposed to having a baby in your belly. (Which it isn't anyway until it's born.)

thereisalight

I'm so so sorry about your baby sister, you sound like a wonderful big sister to that little angel. Your post brought me close to tears.

The waiting does suck, especially with a past like that. Try to stay positive and channel your love for your little one into good vibes.

I haven't experienced a loss and often think of the women who have. My heart breaks for them but I'm
So amazed by their strength to keep trying. They are all amazing mothers in my eyes.

Good luck with everything, I hope the ultrasound goes well and gives you some more peace!

GhanimaAtreides

Do you think getting a Doppler for at home use would ease your mind? They aren't very expensive.

lyannast

Yeah my psychologist is quite concerned about my level of anxiety. She's worked with me for a couple of years and a lot of rough times. At the moment she considers me to be at a higher risk and wants to see me weekly, but I'm not on a mental health care plan at the moment so it's just too expensive. ($210 p/h) which sucks. But my partner and I first got together 6 years ago, so he's pretty in the know, which is good. @aphilli8

Hm, we haven't been buying anything as of yet. Probably won't until the halfway mark just incase anything goes wrong. But the dating scan threw the 'don't think of it as a baby' out the window.. The second I saw that heartbeat, I was much too aware that we had made a little life that was growing inside me. Didn't help that our little peanut was a wriggly worm haha! So adorable. @nanamp

We call her our little bird without feathers
She came out with ten fingers and ten toes, a little button nose, eyes, ears and a chubby tummy. She just looked a bit different to a full term baby, but she was still our baby.
I know, I see so many women on this site pregnant after a loss (rainbow baby I think) and I admire them so much. I saw firsthand how hard it was on my mum. She's amazing for keeping on going.. One tough lady, raising seven other kids at the time.. Thank you for your kind words, and I'll definitely try for those positive vibes! I feel better this morning, I just get a bit emotional at night.. @katherinerisk

I have thought about getting a Doppler but I'm a bit paranoid about if it will affect the baby at all? That's probably really silly but I do worry. @Lizzie5831

enkb

So sorry for your feelings of anxiety, thinking about you and wishing you well. 

A little later down the road if you think you'd like the benefit of hearing the heartbeat regularly but aren't sure about the frequent ultrasound risks, you can also buy a fetoscope online for about $12 that is just a specially designed stethoscope with no ultrasound at all.  I don't think you can hear anything until 18 wks or so, but its probably a route I will go down as I get closer to that point. You might want to discuss it with your therapist and dr first, though, to make sure it won't be more stressful if, due to baby position, one day the heartbeat is harder to find (a concern with a Doppler also).

lyannast

@enkb that's a good point... I'm hoping after my 12 wk scan my anxiety will subside a lot. Cause yeah, if I did buy one and couldn't find anything, I would probably drive myself insane and go into full panic mode