How best should we tackle this... what a longwinded mess

kaykes86

Hey all.
So my question is about how to tell my SD she's gonna be an older sis.
We will be hitting 12 weeks in a few days and following our appointment/scan etc making announcements to family and friends.

So heres the background story.
My DF and BM have a relationship solely around the care of their child.The BM is often abusive and rude and my DF ignores this as he feels she is bitter and trying to anger him resulting in him not seeing his DD. I have no communication with BM and the 1 time I did DF and i decided at that point to leave it and not make any more effort. SD is now 7 and was 4 when her mother kicked my DF out. SD has been spending most weekends with us since we got a decent home in the last year. She would deny her dad hugs and kisses and answer no to whether she loved him. Until recently.... She calls midweek whereas before he always called her and she shows affection to us both and says she loves him. Now we have the inkling that SD may not be happy at home. Theres a new man living in the home and she now shares her room with his daughter (she has her own room with us, due to double up as a nursery.) She has always said she wants a sibling and BM unfortunately had several ectopics and has been told she can't have any more babies.

My fears are that the way we tell her about this baby will greatly affect relationship with DF
It will also break the relationship ive started building with her
She will have no happy place/ home (this is more speculation)
If the above happens BM will have something more to turn this little girl against DF if she expresses this to her.
We just don't know how to tackle this!?!

blended10

This could go a few ways, she could be thrilled to be a big sister & excited to further develop her relationship with her dad & you, or she could feel she's being "replaced" and doesn't know her role in your new family, or she could feel a combination of things. No matter what 7 is very young & she's probably going to need a lot of support dealing with this change. I would use this opportunity to align her, phrasing it as "her" new sibling, how you know what a great sister she will be. Include her 100%, take her to a scan if you can, involve her in nursery color choices or crib bedding or whatever.
If she has a bad reaction don't take it personally & try not to react. She's a child. None of any of this is her doing. If she's sad, let her be sad. Make sure her dad takes her (alone) to do special things & gets special one-on-one time. When my sd was young I would arrange daddy/daughter dates to the movies or dinner or whatever. And also arrange dates for us, just us, to shop, get nails done, whatever. She's 19 now & although it wasn't always easy (she was 5 when we met) our relationship is better bc I always put her relationship with her father first.

WildMagelet

@kaykes86 - How did it go?

I think @blended10 gave you some pretty solid advice.

Kids are going to feel how they're going to feel.  The only thing you can do is let it happen and then continue to focus on your relationship with her, both together and individually.   Like PP said, make sure she gets her daddy-daughter special time and get some girl time in with her if you can.  

Likewise, you can't control what BM does or says.  

As the time gets closer, see if she wants to be involved.  There's plenty of things a 7 year old can do to "help" prep for baby.  

kaykes86

Hi @WildMagelet sooo my DF still hasnt spoken to her... despite the fact that im showing and she's spent the last 2 days with us...
i feel so awkward, i refuse to hide my bump but yet also feel its making the situation worse still

kaykes86

So he told her, shes excited... BUT BM has refused to pick up the phone since. To tge point we think shes purposely switched off SD's phone as well!!