Vent .. Need advice

justyh

sorry in advance for how long this post may turn out and thank you to anyone that reads the whole thing.

A little background: I was raised by my grandmother until I was about 14 due to both of my parents being on drugs and never attempting to gain custody of their children. They became clean when I was 14 and I decided to move in with them. It was a horrible experience and I moved out at 16, I am now 21. It's been a huge struggle for me. I've had a full time job since I was 14, and although it's been hard I've always managed to survive. I suffered a loss last year at 20 weeks and moved back in with my parents (1bedroom apt) because I am now high-risk and on bed rest.

So me and my boyfriend (22 y/o) are constantly arguing because I feel like a terrible mother, 1. I feel terrible that my body can't carry a "normal pregnancy" (due to incompetent cervix) 2. Being on disability only leaves me with $100 to save after paying my bills. We planned on getting an apartment and preparing for baby but now on his income I doubt it is possible (he brings in about 1500/month). He joined the cement Union almost a year ago but has not gotten a job within the union yet. I'm constantly asking him what his plan and goals are before the baby comes, sure enough turns into an argument. It's always a "bad time" to bring it up. He feels he shouldn't have to tell me his plan (which honestly I believe is an excuse for not having one!). He tells me hopefully it will all fall in place. How am I supposed to "hope" things fall into place! And what if they don't, what then ?!!!

I don't feel I'm being unreasonable at all. I would like to know what our plan is and to have one together. I know I can't contribute much being on bed rest but I would still like to be included, maybe figure out how I can help! Idk what to do to get through to him that time is ticking. I'm ready to get a plan of my own and not include him in it (which is not what I want to do at all), maybe get into a shelter/assisted living for single moms and live on welfare until baby is old enough for day care, ( unfortunately don't have anyone to watch her).

happywifemomofone

Sorry that you are going through all this. I am an older mom, 46yo and has my oldest child in my 20s-never married his Dad, we stayed together for just shy of 2 years after baby was born-then I was a single mom for 13 years. Only your BF can decide when he is ready to step up and be the Man/Daddy that your child needs. You cannot change him, and it doesn't seem like he's really on board with the "we" mentality that is needed to successfully raise a child together. Do you speak to your grandpArents who raised you? I would seek out their thoughts about what's going on in your life right now. I know for me, meeting the needs of my son's Dad just became one more thing I was no longer willing to do. I was attending school FT (during day with baby in daycare) and working evening shift (baby with my parents, helped a ton by my siblings). I tried to work MWFSatSun and schedule all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I was able to minimize daycare by only needing 2 days/week and maximize my time with my son. I sacrificed a lot when my little guy was small to create a better future for both of us....and I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again. My son has little recollection of this time period, he knows his mom as a working mom-but often recalls vacations we took, moving into our first home. We were in it together, always. Trust your gut, if you BF cann't/won't step up, maybe it's time for a break to see what your future holds. There's a single mom's group on the bump that you might find helpful and supportive. Good Luck!!

PlainJane8350

Being able to provide is a big one for most men my age, 35, and your boyfriend's only 22. He has a baby on the way so that's a lot of motivation, but he's still young. I didn't know, or care, what I wanted to do at 22 so I wouldn't give up hope on him. I'm also on bed rest, so I can relate to feeling useless and I promise you that's not helping the way you feel about everything! My neighbor's daughter-in-law is pregnant and she's always telling my neighbor how "lucky" I am, I don't think people realize how helpless and frustrating it really is. We're doing the right thing for our babies, though. I have bad days, but I try to focus on that. I was raised by my grandparents, too, so I can relate to not having that relationship with your parents. Are they helpful at all, even if just emotionally? What about his parents? Now that I'm on bed rest, I accept my aunt and uncle's help a lot. You guys are so young, please don't feel bad about asking people for support. My husband and I are 35 and its stressful! Thinking of you.

justyh

@PlainJane8350 unfortunately my grandmother past away of lung cancer in March and although my grandpa said if I need anything to let him know, I feel bad because he has a whole house full (my brother, my aunt and her two kids as well as my uncle his wife and two kids!) and I feel like emotionally he needs my support more, he is retired just lost her wife and is housing his adult step children. being on bed rest just makes me feel like a burden on everyone and just plain useless/helpless. Your definitely right, people tell me all the time how lucky I am to be in bed rest, and in my head I'm wondering do u know how it feels to think about not being able to provide for my daughter once she is here?! How hard it is to even enjoy this pregnancy?! Thank you for the encouraging thoughts, definitely give me hope and makes me feel less alone

PlainJane8350

You'll be able to take care of her when she's born, this is only temporary, and you are taking care of her now by following your bed rest...it doesn't feel like we're "doing anything," but we're doing a lot! I'm always bored, so you're welcome to email me any time:

Plainjane19792001@gmail.com

Both of my grandparents passed, so I know how you feel. Even if you feel like he's helping you, I'm sure it helps your grandfather just to hear from you. I'm sure he's excited about the baby, that's probably giving him something to look forward to!