Question about avoiding stealing someone's thunder

Karenin

My cousin is getting married when I'll be 13 weeks, and all of the family is traveling to be at the wedding, and we'll be together a lot as we will all be at the same hotel. My mom thinks that DH and I should tell the family that weekend since we will all be together, but I don't want to take any attention off of my cousin so I think it's better to not say anything unless I'm clearly showing or someone asks me privately. I know the baby would not supersede anything, I just think the weekend should be all about my cousin. My mom worries the family will be hurt if I tell them over the phone later instead of in person when I have the chance. Opinions?

katie0613

If you close with your cousin I would maybe talk to her a few weeks before the wedding and tell her and ask how she would feel about you telling your family and how you dont want to take anything away from her and her special day..  I would think by you doing it this way she would not feel as you are taking away her spot light.  Good luck!

GhanimaAtreides

You are absolutely right! It should be all about your cousin. Your mom is probably a bit more excited to gloat about being a grandmother in front of family, but just like you can recognize it's not about you, it isn't about her either. She's just projecting about the phone reactions, it's because she won't be there to see/hear the reactions.

You may have to have a very serious conversation with her forbidding her to share the news at the wedding. I would also deny if asked point blank. You DO NOT want your cousin finding out later that everyone was all abuzz over your pregnancy at her wedding.

mollyj931

katie0613 said:

If you close with your cousin I would maybe talk to her a few weeks before the wedding and tell her and ask how she would feel about you telling your family and how you dont want to take anything away from her and her special day..  I would think by you doing it this way she would not feel as you are taking away her spot light.  Good luck!

Agree with this. You know your cousin and how she is and may react. I would think as long as you are not making a huge showy surprise it wouldn't be a big deal. If you are just telling people one on one it would be fine.

BethP321

Talk to your cousin. It's her wedding, and her feelings can't be hurt if you talk it through with her first. Maybe she can help you pick a time to announce your big secret. Like at a big dinner before the wedding? I definitely wouldn't do it AT the wedding. But just talk to her. She can't be too upset. She'd be mad too if she heard it through the phone when she just saw you at her wedding.

BBEA2006

katie0613 said:

If you close with your cousin I would maybe talk to her a few weeks before the wedding and tell her and ask how she would feel about you telling your family and how you dont want to take anything away from her and her special day..  I would think by you doing it this way she would not feel as you are taking away her spot light.  Good luck!

This all the way!  And if you aren't close to her, then I would suggest just waiting.  I think that your family would understand you not telling them to their faces.

rbourassa99

I went through something similar... my mom wanted me to announce it at my aunt's retirement party! I know it was just because she was so excited, but I thought it would be a little tacky and I declined.

I don't think anyone will be hurt if you tell them over the phone. However, some people might figure it out at the wedding, esp because you won't be drinking! In that case it may come out naturally and slowly, which won't steal your cousin's thunder, but just add a little bit of specialness to the weekend.

Mamabeagle

My SIL told everyone she was pregnant at her brothers wedding (I was best friends with the bride). That was 5 years ago and she is still upset. Its rude. Unless you are visibly pregnant, you don't need to say anything at all. Also, why do you feel the need to tell extended family in person?

I would just announce it at 12 weeks and they can congratulate you if they want during the wedding weekend, but it won't be brand new news to them. I'm sure your mother can help spread the news.

steph_pegasus

I wouldn't tell everyone at the wedding. Just not the right time and place imo. If it were a family reunion that'd be fine, but like you said, it's your cousin's weekend.

CaraBoonie

I would definitely at least talk to your cousin to see what she thinks, since it is her day. If you can find a way to tell them a few weeks prior to the wedding so that you don't have to hide it but you aren't also stealing focus, maybe that would be best? My cousin got engaged about a month before his brother's wedding and it was nice because then those who hadn't seen him and his fiancee since the engagements could say a quick congrats, let me see the ring, etc, but the focus of the day was still 100% the groom and bride.

DaphneMoon1

I agree with you. I think the weekend should be about the bride. If you want announce at 11.5 or 12 weeks, that's fine. Otherwise I'd keep it to yourself.

I think it would be a little awkward to ask your cousin because I would feel obligated to say, "of course, it's fine". But inside I'd be upset.

Your intuition is right on this one. Tell grandma she has to wait a little longer.

Karenin

DaphneMoon1 said:

I agree with you. I think the weekend should be about the bride. If you want announce at 11.5 or 12 weeks, that's fine. Otherwise I'd keep it to yourself. I think it would be a little awkward to ask your cousin because I would feel obligated to say, "of course, it's fine". But inside I'd be upset. Your intuition is right on this one. Tell grandma she has to wait a little longer.

Yeah I think if I asked my cousin she's just be very gracious and I don't want to put her in that position- I think I should just wait. I highly doubt anyone will be offended if I call them later, and if they are, I can just say the truth- I didn't want to tell them at the wedding because that weekend was about the bride and groom!

makeshifwings

We told my hubby's family on the weekend of his brother's wedding, because we were all in a house together for the weekend. We didn't really make a big deal of it, and told everyone separately on the night before the wedding. I knew it wouldn't bother the bride, and it was fine. It depends on your cousin! But I wouldn't do it at the wedding.

Blueyedsky

My brother is law is getting married when we're fourteen weeks, so I just asked him if it would bother him or my sister in law if we announced it a week earlier. He said it was totally no big deal, so we're going to go ahead and announce then I think. If he said it would bother him, I totally wouldn't mind waiting another week or so though.

mamaksweez

I like what a pp said. Announce it a week early, then your mom can chat all she wants about it, but the wknd is still all about your cousin.

allisonraereeves

My cousin knew she'd be showing at my wedding last year, so she sent out an email to the extended family announcing her pregnancy a few weeks before the wedding. She explicitly said she would accept hugs at the reception but she didn't want to steel my thunder. I like to think I wouldn't have been upset had she made an announcement the day-of, but I really appreciated her consideration and forethought. No one will be offended, and your mom can openly gloat that day.

SummerOH

I wouldn't be bothered at all if it were my wedding, so maybe your cousin won't either.  Ask your cousin if she minds.  If she does, then save it for later.  But a baby doesn't overshadow a huge event like a wedding, so I think most normal brides wouldn't care and would be happy for you!  It's not like the bride spends any more than a fleeting moment with each guest, anyway, so guests could congratulate you as you mingle without detracting from her one bit.  (But this is coming from a bride who got married on her BFFs 30th bday and had a separate cake with sparklers just for her as a surprise!)

l4rk

I am wondering the same thing! My love and I have two mutual couple friends and the six of us get together fairly often (but not too frequently becausr we are a 2 hour drive apart). One of the couples is getting married this summer and they have an open bar. I was gonna just explain when we're there, because it's the next time we'll be together in person. But it recently dawned on me that they might think I'm trying to steal attention and the bride is the member of the group I know the least (plus we have had some weird interactions in the past). I might just text them the day before. Not as personal but then she can't start any drama. I was also considering not telling them at all, because they will probs be too wedding crazy to notice. But I would have to tell the other couple... Dilemmas...

imaclutz89

I had this problem where I got engaged and the next family function was my cousins wedding. We took it upon ourselves to call everyone ahead of time to not take the day away from them.

SullyN

l4rk said:

I am wondering the same thing! My love and I have two mutual couple friends and the six of us get together fairly often (but not too frequently becausr we are a 2 hour drive apart). One of the couples is getting married this summer and they have an open bar. I was gonna just explain when we're there, because it's the next time we'll be together in person. But it recently dawned on me that they might think I'm trying to steal attention and the bride is the member of the group I know the least (plus we have had some weird interactions in the past). I might just text them the day before. Not as personal but then she can't start any drama. I was also considering not telling them at all, because they will probs be too wedding crazy to notice. But I would have to tell the other couple... Dilemmas...

You can always fake drink! That's what I did at my cousins wedding just order a virgin drink but ask for it in an alcoholic glass

amyelise25

Can you get some of the family together the next morning for breakfast and announce it then?

Also remember that the bride may say she is fine just to be nice, but might really feel offended.

apinkpelican

We are in same boat and are telling family a week early because my SIL is getting married in 3 weeks. We'll announce it to the immediate family them let the word spread from there.

MrsTeacher25

I would announce a few days before around 12 weeks and that way everyone knows and it doesn't steal anyone's thunder.

ChipMonster

My husband's coursin told people that they were expecting their 4th on our wedding day. I didn't mind at all. She had apologized to me. It had been a while since we had all gotten together and she was already almost 4 months I think. Honestly, it didn't affect my day at all. I was happy for her. I did know before my wedding though, someone slipped and told me so I still acted like it was a surprise. I think it depends on the person. Plus, I don't think that anyone remembers that day as the day she announced it, only as my wedding day. But then again it wasn't her first... So maybe that changes things.

SummerOH

Chiming in again...I honestly do not understand why ANYONE would be offended by you telling people at this time, especially when it's rare that you see all of your family in one spot.  If you were to, say, give a toast and announce it then - sure.  But casually telling people as you see them isn't announcing imo...it's just telling people about your life and what's new.  Are you supposed to NOT update friends and family about goings on in your life?  Are you supposed to just be quiet and admire the bride?  Of course not.  People talk at weddings - it's the only thing that makes them bearable!  Seriously, only a bridezilla would be ticked off (again, as long as you're not jazz-handsing around the room shouting it at the top of your lungs).  I'm sure your cousin will be just fine with it.

Mommyduclos

I didn't read the other responses but could you plan a morning after breakfast or something with your family- assuming the bride isn't already doing something like that- and tell them then. Then they get to have all their wedding festivities and you can make your announcement before they leave town