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October 2015 Moms
Birdee212
member
Navigating Relationships with Assh*le Parents
Birdee212
member
This is too long for Monday Moan so apologies in advance for the novel.
My dad is the biggest dick alive. He and a friend are in Seattle for the U.S. Open so we met up in Portland for lunch yesterday. These are all the things he did/said:
He *told* my husband to hire him for a position at his organization (he's been mostly unemployed for the last 12 years because he's a difficult employee and is either fired or quits after the first few weeks).
He told his friend how neither my husband nor I completed college.
He repeatedly commented on how many "freaks and weirdos" were around. (Portland was celebrating Pride Month). Then he'd try to overtly take pictures of lesbians holding hands, of people in costume, and those that were risquély dressed.
He paid a homeless man $5 just to take a picture of him holding his sign.
He made comments about the unisex bathroom at the restaurant in front of a trans woman and "why don't we all just go in together!", Caitlyn Jenner, "maybe I'll decide to be a woman for the day", and so on.
He hinted that we should pick up the check.
He wandered over to the pride parade to "spectate", so we followed him to try and steer him away from the crowd. He then loudly said how I better go back to the South to have my baby, how this must be where all those liberal college professors come from, and "Damn! Maybe I'll go gay so I can wear assless chaps, too!"
I'd told him before to keep his mouth shut and to stop behaving rudely, but that only encouraged him.
We finally told him that we were done and were leaving.
The most frustrating thing about his behavior is that he thinks he's being charming and funny when he says shit like this. Like, this is how he makes jokes. He's the type of person that you really can't call out on his bullshit because he'll say he's being discriminated against because he's a white man who has opinions. Seriously. You just can't tell him anything.
My dad is the guy who can't rent a car, book a hotel room, or order breakfast at McDonalds without having a confrontation with the person behind the counter. He's basically Michael Douglas in "Falling Down" and Archie Bunker rolled into one guy. When I was 11, he tried to use up the remaining roll of film by taking pictures of store windows at the mall, and after being told to stop by managers and mall security, he caused such a fuss ("I thought this was America!") that we were escorted out by police and banned.
Who else has an insane mom/dad/relative? And how the hell do you deal with them, especially now that they are grandparents to your child?
My dad is the biggest dick alive. He and a friend are in Seattle for the U.S. Open so we met up in Portland for lunch yesterday. These are all the things he did/said:
He *told* my husband to hire him for a position at his organization (he's been mostly unemployed for the last 12 years because he's a difficult employee and is either fired or quits after the first few weeks).
He told his friend how neither my husband nor I completed college.
He repeatedly commented on how many "freaks and weirdos" were around. (Portland was celebrating Pride Month). Then he'd try to overtly take pictures of lesbians holding hands, of people in costume, and those that were risquély dressed.
He paid a homeless man $5 just to take a picture of him holding his sign.
He made comments about the unisex bathroom at the restaurant in front of a trans woman and "why don't we all just go in together!", Caitlyn Jenner, "maybe I'll decide to be a woman for the day", and so on.
He hinted that we should pick up the check.
He wandered over to the pride parade to "spectate", so we followed him to try and steer him away from the crowd. He then loudly said how I better go back to the South to have my baby, how this must be where all those liberal college professors come from, and "Damn! Maybe I'll go gay so I can wear assless chaps, too!"
I'd told him before to keep his mouth shut and to stop behaving rudely, but that only encouraged him.
We finally told him that we were done and were leaving.
The most frustrating thing about his behavior is that he thinks he's being charming and funny when he says shit like this. Like, this is how he makes jokes. He's the type of person that you really can't call out on his bullshit because he'll say he's being discriminated against because he's a white man who has opinions. Seriously. You just can't tell him anything.
My dad is the guy who can't rent a car, book a hotel room, or order breakfast at McDonalds without having a confrontation with the person behind the counter. He's basically Michael Douglas in "Falling Down" and Archie Bunker rolled into one guy. When I was 11, he tried to use up the remaining roll of film by taking pictures of store windows at the mall, and after being told to stop by managers and mall security, he caused such a fuss ("I thought this was America!") that we were escorted out by police and banned.
Who else has an insane mom/dad/relative? And how the hell do you deal with them, especially now that they are grandparents to your child?
Re: Navigating Relationships with Assh*le Parents
I'm glad it's not just me who has family like this. @LiveNLove44 I also am amazed how children grow up to think so differently than their close-minded parents. I've gotten better about voicing my distaste for his behavior when it occurs, though sometimes it's easier to let it slide.
Hopefully my son can have a positive relationship with his grandfather that does not involve such incidents like yesterday, but he will most likely be exposed to his difficult personality. Perhaps the silver lining is that grandpa's antics will create teachable moments for our new little family.
He's always been a giant jerkwad, but as a teenager my parents separated, and it became worse. He put my younger sister and me in the middle of his fights with my mom and based the way he'd treat us off of how his relationship was with her at the time. It was difficult.
I stopped talking to him for almost a year, until I got engaged March 2014. I decided to start to rebuild a relationship with him with my now husband's support. It was going really well, and I felt like we were starting to build back some trust.
During wedding planning, I asked my mom to walk me down the aisle and give me away at the wedding. She was thrilled with being asked. She's always been nurturing, supportive, and willing to offer guidance in everything I do. My dad was never even close to that for me. He never felt like a parent the way she did. With the vicious history of my relationship with my dad, one would not be surprised that my mother would walk me.
A week before the wedding, my dad called me to ask who was walking me. When I told him, I knew his feelings were hurt, but he tried to play it off. Within five minutes of us being off the phone, my mom called me to tell me he just called her and cussed her out. He spent the next day or so cussing at her and telling her she better talk to me and making demands on MY wedding. He said he wasn't going to come to the wedding and said he wanted the money he gave me at my shower back. My mom said to me that maybe it'd be better to just let him do it. I was so crushed by her saying that. I told her that I wouldn't give in to his tantrum and if he didn't want to come to the wedding, he didn't have to. I was eight weeks into this pregnancy at this point. I wasn't going to stress myself and my baby over his childishness.
I haven't spoken to him since. He's rarely been there for me through the course of my life. Anytime he's provided anything for me, it has been held over my head like I owe him for it.
I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. I don't need to bring that stress into my new marriage. I don't want my child exposed to his manipulative behavior.
I've got a fairly new stepdad who is wonderful. He came into my life a few short years ago as an adult and has loved my sister and me like his own children since the start. He is so thrilled to be a Paw-Paw again (his daughter has a 7 year old). I'm very blessed to have him. If I didn't, I wouldn't stress about Baby not having a grandfather from me though. It'd be better for us to not have one than to have a crummy one.
DH has a very present and active dad. Seeing how involved my FIL is in the lives of his children (two of four are still teens at home) makes me wonder what I missed out on as a daughter, but it makes me so excited to see what DH will bring to the table as a father himself.
TLDR?: It's okay to have limited contact with difficult family members if that's what makes you happy. All Baby will know is that you're happy, so he/she will be happy too.
For our catholic wedding (which we only did because his parents are extremely catholic) our preist told us if a lot of the guests would not be catholic he suggested that we do not have communion. So we didn't have it and when DH told his dad he said "that's not a real wedding. You might as well just get married at city hall then"
He also went on drinking binges that made him end up in the hospital. He never told DH it was from drinking but he did blame DH when he went to check on him in the hospital saying he was in there because my DH caused him stress. The reason he was "stressed" was because he kicked my
DH(fiance at the time) out because he and I were going on a weekend trip together...and then the next day he said he changed his mind and would allow my DH to stay at home(this was because MIL changed her mind about her first child leaving home). But it was too late we had already put the deposit down on an apartment.
Also when it came out that my FIL was an alcoholic and in AA he didn't even tell my husband. My SIL told DH one day by text and told him he wasn't allowed to tell me...they were trying to get my husband to keep secrets from his wife?!
So many things like that piled up with his parents and we didn't talk to them for awhile until we told them in February that I was pregnant. We really hope they will be good grandparents and not get back into their bad habits.
I swear sometimes the most religious people are the least kind.
I wouldn't say my FIL is an asshole, but he is not self sufficient at all. He keeps quitting his jobs and moving around. He puts himself I the awful position, then guilt trips my husband. My husband has given him some money, but mostly he is just always worried about his dad. His newest thing is that he moved out of the place he was living (renting from someone, who is suddenly a crackhead... He has excuses for everything he does. We don't know what is true and what isn't) and is now going to live in his van. He is getting a Y membership so he can shower. And he expects my husband to be proud of him for 'getting out of a bad situation.' He has disability and retirement, but blows his money. He could get an apartment but won't. It is so frustrating. I hate how it stresses my husband out so much. He is so worried about his dad.
Maybe they should move in together! Ha ha they sound very similar in personality. Generally he is a good guy and I know he loves his sons, but he seriously needs to pull up his big boy britches and act like a man.
It's making me sad.