@20thirteen hi!!!! I'm good! I had the baby!!! On 6/7 after 32 hours! She was 7.5, 21 inches...girl named Mila. Dad was not there for delivery but my support team was. He showed up after. She was in NICU for four days and he didn't come to see her. Now that we are home he has scheduled to come and see her two evenings a week. Makes me mad. Must be nice to check it off your list and be done. I'm with her 24/7 with no help from him. And when he visits he is useless. He washes the dishes and takes the trash out because he doesn't know any other way to help. I know your BD didn't help at all and i should be grateful mine even comes around but I honestly feel like why does he even bother.
June babies are the best! I'm 6/16 so I received an early bday present this year! He has awkwardly held her twice in two different occasions. It just feels like it's a checklist for him. So in the future he can say he visited with her.
Eeeesh. Just doesn't know how to deal with babies/children, eh? Well, hopefully things with him get better. If not, I'd tell him he doesn't have to be involved if he doesn't want to or if he's going to treat her like a puppy with a dead bird in her mouth. LOL
Spoke too soon! We got into it last night during his hour "visit". He said his goal is 50/50 and he wants to bring her around his friends and new significant other. She's two weeks! She can't go anywhere!!! And he's like well can't you pump a bottle for me? He doesn't even have a car seat and his car isn't safe at all. He threw the fact that I have money in my face. Said he will be picking cheap brands for her and I said you can't do that, you have to keep things consistent. He doesn't care. He got mad that I didn't text him happy Father's Day on Sunday and said it shows I have no respect for him. I don't. He's not a father. He left and slammed the front door- I texted him to never slam the door when a newborn is sleeping. Just proves his cluelessness and immaturity, he cared more about storming out than Mila. He's a complete incompetent idiot! He's not a U.S. Citizen, he's not on the birth certificate - how much damage can he do? I'm in CA. I have a lawyer already should it get there. I just want him out of the picture. For good.
Talk to your lawyer and see what (s)he says. He's not on the birth certificate so I don't believe he has much of any options without bringing you to court. He hasn't done anything to warrant a restraining order, so you can't do that. *sigh* I know I did say that there was a chance he might change his mind about the LO after she was born but I didn't think he'd actually do it. But at the same time, he's going about it like a 10 year old. If you don't mind me asking, where is he from? Like, ethnic background. Tempers like that I see a lot in Eastern European (my sister's current boyfriend is Polish/Croatian and pulls stunts like that).
Yup! You were right, he actually is trying. He's British but Nigerian. He wrote an email last night where he's positioning himself as the good guy who wants to be involved and that he has wanted to be there from the start. He's clearly being coached on putting things in writing. I wrote back, kept it unemotional and just laid out facts. I did say his words were not true. He cancelled his visit today because he thought I needed time to think about things. Again, he's the good guy and I'm the crazy one. I knew he would cancel. Now it's just a day to day. I have to wait and see what his next move is, if he even tries to go get a court ordered DNA test. Luckily, I have my lawyer in deck. Ugh. What a nightmare.
Oh man. What a sticky situation... Do you have proof of his behavior prior to DD being born? I know that sounds kind of weird, I know you and him were going to counseling together and stuff. But did you document his behavior or save texts that prove that he was not out to be the good guy in bad light? And I'm still trying to figure out how "time to think about things" is going to make you think better of him (if that was his desired outcome).
Thank god you have your lawyer on deck. Sounds like you'll need her/him. I don't remember, does proving paternity in court automatically open him up to CS in CA?
I have everything saved! Texts, emails, I documented every conversation and visit. Proving paternity would make him have to pay CS, yes. My biggest worry is him getting any kind of custody. Visitation is fine, but overnights and weekends and holidays...makes me sick to even think about it. He did say he was going to move in with his mom, I can only pray that happens because he wouldn't get any kind of custody. You need to provide your own dwelling. In addition, I have the stable career and income that is four times what he makes. I don't see how he would get any type of custody.
He wrote again. His email seems coached or that someone else is writing it for him. That scares me. Like he's seeking legal help? He said given the environment of our visits (my house) and the current status of our "relationship" he thinks it's in DD best interest if he reduced the frequency of his visits from twice a week to ONCE a MONTH. Maybe this is his fade away. But the overly analytical part of me is worrisome that it's him buying time to get $ together to go to court. For now it gives me some reprieve but not without worry.
That does sound dubious. You should tell him so. He can't form a relationship/bond with your DD if he doesn't see her more than once a month. And what about the environment of his visits makes him feel that this change from twice a week to once a month? And the relationship between you and him shouldn't be an issue, you guys went to counseling so that you guys could co-parent together civilly... I gave my BD the option of visitation and after 3 visits he just disappeared from our lives so my advice isn't going to be from experience, so I apologize.
Even if he takes you to court, you have proof that his behavior has been inconsistent. If he doesn't move in with his mother, where does that leave him? You should ask your lawyer what would happen if he fought you for any kind of custody. Especially with a newborn, and especially while breastfeeding, I don't believe he would be allowed more than visitation for the first few months. But, again, I'm not sure. The reprieve is great, but I'm skeptical about everything.
Just seems shady. One day he's here saying he wants more time with her and now it's once a month. He doesn't like that he has to visit at my house and it's uncomfortable because I give him "attitude"... He hasn't been around at all, I'm not going to roll out the red carpet for him because all of a sudden he wants to be father of the year. If he doesn't live with his mom he is in a studio apartment that has s moldy bathroom and is a complete sty.
That sounds like a whole lot of shady. Is there someone who could be like a neutral 3rd party when he visits? When BD visited DD, I made sure there were people around us to keep the tension relatively low. BF is very level headed, and if I said something out of line, he'd let me know in front of BD to show BD he was going to be neutral. And, in all honesty, I really only said one mean thing. After that, I left the room and let BF monitor the visits. Not sure if that's a possibility for you two.
And don't ever feel obligated to roll out even a dirty, ratty, old grey carpet, let alone a red one. Dude is trying to manipulate you. Be mama bear. This guy has nothing to stand on.
Ahhh! I was just coming on to write you! Well, he showed up in 7/15 as promised with a money order for $250 memo'd "July 2015 Child Support" (HA!). I was very nice. Killed him with kindness, even showed him how to properly hold DD to burp her. She did not like it, cried when he held her and stopped when he handed her to me. I could tell that bothered him. My child hood best friend was here and she's very drama free so she was a great barrier should we have needed it. But we really didn't. He stayed about an hour and a half. Baby girl was super gassy and fussy so I really had to soothe her while he just watched. He said he would contact me for next months visit and thanked me for sending him pictures of her. Afterwards I realized - he said he was going to "continue to check in on her" but other than his replies to MY emails with pictures he did not and has not initiated communication or a "check in" at all. Proving yet again, he never does what he says he will. I honesty don't know what he's trying to do here but I figure if this is how it's going to be for now and for awhile it will at least build an unflattering pattern for him. I would hope any judge would see that once a month visits are not showmanship of a man who wants to be there for his child and is capable of anything more than visitations. He honestly can't handle it. He barely knows how to hold her! And the older she gets the more her recognition gets stronger...so it will be that much harder for him.
What would happen if you were to "forget" to send one email? Do you think that would prompt him to contact you? I don't know how often you are sending him pictures, and I don't want you to do anything that would jeopardize your situation (though, I doubt missing one email that he's not asking for would jeopardize anything), so, if you want to test those waters, have at it.
It's good that you have the barrier, the barrier is what saved me from strangling my BD (haha, kind of kidding) and I'm glad that things went smoothly for his once of month visit. Which, the whole once a month thing still kind of confuses me, like what is he hoping to get out of it? A bond that won't form because he's not there?
Especially if he lives close enough, any judge will see the lack of effort and take that into account. Has he been saying that he's for sure pursuing the 50/50 custody? Because I'm sure that would be laughable to any court, for a guy who thinks once a month visits makes him capable of 50/50 custody.
We're doing good, DD is in the "terrible twos" age and I'm waiting for all the things every says happens at this age... So far, maybe one tantrum... She's so laid back and easy going that I don't think she's going to go through a phase that will be "terrible". She's talking more, which is great because daycare was worried that she wasn't talking as much as they thought she should have been (I was a late talker and she was selectively talking at daycare). So far, our summer has been going great! We're planning a trip to the zoo this weekend, my BF's *AMAZING* parents bought us a family membership for the "good zoo" for his birthday and we try to go as often as possible. DD loves the play vet area.
I hope outside of the D-bag situation you're having a great summer with your DD!
Well...it happened. I just got an email entitled "The next step". He is asking that we take DD to a clinic to do a paternity test. A freaking clinic?!? No way. And he's asking if we are still "on track" to do it in a couple of weeks. I never said anything about that! He's putting things in writing to make it seem like he's in control and he is trying to one up me. I'm furious. He hasn't been there, he's seen her five times since she's been born and that includes the hospital!!! He thinks he's going to establish paternity and get custody. What if I just don't reply? What if I just say no and don't agree to the test. I want him out of our lives. He's not in they birth certificate and it's his word against mine at this point. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.
Have you spoken to your lawyer about it? That is some serious bullshit right there. Tell him you and him did not discuss a paternity test. Remind him that he didn't want/need one before and you need some time to think about it, and also remind him that you two did not decide on getting one, so there is no track that you two are on, since a track was never laid down. Then, immediately call your lawyer and discuss what are the possibilities for him if you guys were to get a test that proves he's the father. Remember, he's playing cards to make him look like a good guy. You have to play the same game, however, you have to show his cards are bullshit. Don't give him any ammo, straight up denying him the test will give him just a little bit to show a judge that you are being unreasonable (even though, I totally don't believe you are being unreasonable). You have written proof that he has chosen to reduce the amount of time with the baby from like twice a week to once a month, which is not helping his case. And no where is it written from you that you wanted him to do that, right?
Sounds like you're going to be heading for a rough patch. I'm so sorry, just take deep breaths, you're going to come out of this so much stronger. Sending love your way
Girl you need to write a book, get a show or become a lawyer yourself!!!! You are absolutely spot on with EVERYTHING my lawyer said. You are right about not giving him ammo or denying him anything, in fact I'm supposed to encourage him and wave him in. I saw my lawyer yesterday and he help me to draft an email back that pretty much takes the control and shows who is really in charge. And that person is me. We gave BD two options - do a paternity test with her pediatrician once she is four months and has had all her infant immunizations OR do an at home kit for his immediate reassurance. if he wants to start court so be it we have enough documentation that would prohibit him from getting any kind of custody for a very long time - the biggest being his reduction of visits. My lawyer is so confident and so good at this but he believes that I can even represent myself he gave me security that I needed to know BD is not going to take my DD for visits anytime soon. And God willing I'm going to BF until she's a teen! Haha I can't thank you enough for your support. Isn't it such a shame that two great women come together because of men who simply cannot handle them? Or life in general?
So sorry to hear about the terrible twos!!! How do you manage it on your own?? Your BF is very helpful I suspect.
I work in a lawyer's office, so that could be part of what helps me be so helpful
I'm so glad to hear about that email. It sounds perfect. The custody thing I wasn't too worried about because he kind of screwed himself there from the sounds of everything so I'm glad your lawyer agreed. And this lawyer sounds really good, keep him. LOL. So now we sit tight and wait to see what he has to say. GOOD LUCK!
And, no, it's not a shame. Bad situations happen, you have to find the good. You found this board, I'm the good. LOL. It's only a shame on them that they couldn't handle us
My BF is very helpful, and I'm so grateful for that. We don't live together, though. He lives north of me and his work is further north, he is over 3-4 days a week, less if someone is out for vacation (he works in a retail car shop). I'm mostly playing everything by ear. Backstory... Before DD, I was very anti-children. I mean, I was nice to kids because only an asshole is mean to children, but I never wanted one. So, when the doctor told me I was pregnant, she asked me if any of my symptoms rang a bell. I was so firm on my stance on children that I didn't really know what all the symptoms were, aside from missing a period. I'm not interested in parenting books, too many conflicting parenting do's and don't's. So when it comes to age-appropriate discipline and stuff like that, I just wing it. But she's so calm and relaxed most of the time, that I don't have too much to worry about. I'd like to thank Bob Marley for that. I listened to a lot of Bob Marley when I was pregnant, his music keeps me calm and relaxed when I have trouble handling my anxiety/stress. DD got exposed to a lot of Bob Marley, so if she starts getting fussy, I'll either put it on or sing it to her. Do you have a special song/artist for your DD?
I love it!!! Love your back story! We listened to a lot of different types of music, but I think the most recognizable for her are some baby songs set to real songs. There's this company - Rockabye Baby - and they set baby lullaby type music to the tune of famous songs from Queen, Beatles, Elton John, David Bowie, etc. I made a playlist of these and listened to them during pregnancy and labor. Every time I play them now she stops and stares. So cute.
I knew you had some kind of legal smarts about you! I just sent off the weekly email of pictures and updates of DD to him. We still haven't heard back and that is totally fine but I want to make sure I'm covering my ass and doing my part.
Your BF sounds amazing. Not that I'm ready for it but I hope when the time comes I meet someone just as understanding and supportive.
Oh wow, I wish I had known about Rockabye Baby sooner! That sounds like all sorts of awesome!
Keep up with the updates to him RE: DD, even if he doesn't respond. Here, I think I'd wait for a response from him for you to stop before stopping. All just to prove that you were not keeping info about her from him. Annoying and a drag, I know.
And, yes, he is . We're going to be looking for adoption attorney (family law is practiced at the firm I work at, but not adoption) and we're planning to get that ball rolling soon. I hope we don't need to do anything (like serve papers or whatever) to BD, because then I'm pretty sure he might reappear just to be an asshole. He's not on the birth certificate, so it would be quite the uphill battle for him to prove paternity and then, I believe, start child support and he'd have to pay back child support, and then a fight to get him to sign over his rights... blah blah blah... I get anxiety thinking about it. But either he won't do a damn thing or he'll do whatever it takes to fight me. So, I try to keep my mind at ease because we haven't even sat with an attorney yet. Hahaha, the joy of living with anxiety...
God nail on the head - living with anxiety!! I've been keeping up with the emails and he replied to one saying he's sorry he hasn't checked in but he's been busy researching a way for us to meet in the middle on a paternity test. Whatever that means.
All is stable for now...well, stably unstable. Haha!
Hahaha, "meet in the middle on a paternity test". Wtf? Is he researching where there is a facility between the two of you? Why is he so bent on a paternity test? He knows this is his kid! Oh, wait, yeah, the 1% doubt. LOL. Does she look like him? That was one thing that was a little hard to deal with when DD arrived. She looked JUST LIKE BD. She's 2 now and looks a hell of a lot more like me now, which is such a relief, but in the beginning, they looked like each other. I also think it's kind of funny that he said he was sorry about not checking in. You aren't sending emails to catch up and see how his day was or anything, you're doing your part to keep him updated on the LO.
It's unbelievable. He emailed me a huge lengthy email about how he will have his own relationship with her and I won't dictate the nature of it and that he wants to start taking her on his own or have "unsupervised visits" once a week for a couple of hours. I knew right then from the tone that he is definitely consulting with an attorney. He may not be able to afford one but perhaps his sugar mama is helping him? Or he has a friend of a friend type of thing. My lawyer and I drafted an email that addressed a ton of his issues and sent it off. He hasn't replied back other than to say thanks for your response and thanks for taking such good care of our baby. Wtf. Like I'm doing HIM a favor! I hate that every reply or email from him he somehow twists to have the power. Like he is the good guy in all of this. It pisses me off!
But, I have to just be the bigger person and put a fake smile on my face.
Holy shit. Wow, you guys discussed visitation, right? Don't you have that in writing? There's no way you can allow him to have unsupervised visits. Especially so early. You're breastfeeding, right? It's important she's by you so you can feed her! Also, you might want to say something like he needs to rebuild the trust between you two before you allow him to go off with YOUR baby.
I don't know. This guy is a real piece of work... All I can say is hang in there, mama. You got a rough road ahead of you.
hahaha these memes!!! Yes! It's going to be a battle but I'm positive it's going to be for the better. My biggest concern is trusting him alone with her. Hopefully he can put aside his resentments and be around us enough for me to know that he knows how to handle her. I am breastfeeding and God willing I'll be doing so until she's 5 if it means delaying his solo visits! Plus it's best for her He is a piece of work because he's all over the place. When she was first born he wanted to be there and try to be helpful and he asked me to help him learn, we got in one fight and then he just went exteme. Didn't even attempt to figure it out amongst us. I know it's going to be a long process and a while before we are even going to be in a court room so until then I'm taking it one day at a time. Meanwhile his monthly visits aren't going to help his case. I asked if I could reach out to his mom and take DD to see her and he basically said no. Said he had a different idea of how things will be going forward. I don't know what he means so I just didn't reply. At least I have it in writing that I'm trying to expose DD to his family. And I haven't heard from his mom since the day she was born so who knows what on earth he has told her. She was always in communication with me prior to this. So I'm just leaving it alone. Going to enjoy the rest of my maternity leave soooo don't want to go back!
How on earth do you manage working full time and spending Time with your daughter? I am scared she's going to forget me. I know that's silly but I'm really feeling it!
Wow, yeah, that's good that it's all in writing. He is being manipulative, does that come across in his emails? And, in the end, it will definitely be for the better! I'm so glad you are being so strong right now, you are going to be such a great role model for your DD!
And I can (almost) not believe all it took was 1 fight to knock him over the edge. It doesn't matter what the fight was about, if he were a "grown ass man", one fight would not make or break a co-parenting relationship. Jesus. And I like how he's still trying to sound like he has all the control when he clearly is losing all his footing, legally. Also, you might want to look into the grandparent's rights in your state. Where I live, I wasn't obligated to inform my ex's parents and they have no legal claim to my DD since BD is not on the birth certificate and him and I were never married. I mean, it may look good for you to reach out, but it also might be a moot point. Again, that depends on the laws in your state. I found out on accident when I was looking up something else.
And it's hard. After working a full day, I just want to sit down or take a nap or just relax. DD climbs all over me and wants to cuddle and play and sometimes I just don't have the energy. I have a little mom-guilt that the last couple of days after work, her and I cuddled up and watched Wallykazam. Which is an educational show, so at least it wasn't like Fairly Oddparents or whatever. And that feeling is normal for any working mother. I felt it, too. But breastfeeding secures a bond, being with her secures a bond, so that when she's in a daycare setting, she won't forget you. DD cries for me when I drop her off and RUNS to me when I pick her up. She has a lot of fun at daycare, she has a lot of "friends" (she's almost 2.5, "friends" are kids who play next to her, not necessarily with her), but there's nothing she wants more than me. That time apart, though, will be good for your DD. There are so many benefits to daycare including socialization and early learning that she may not fully get otherwise. I try to keep that in mind when I'm at work.
Very manipulative. But again, he's not making himself look good so I'm letting him dig his own hole and in the meantime just loving this little bundle of joy! I know you're right about the mother/child bond, especially with breastfeeding, but I think I'm just going to miss her so much. I decided to do a trial run for a couple of days the week before I actually go back. I figure this will help my anxiety and be a good way to see if I miss bringing anything for her or how I should set up her bottles, what works, etc. Not to mention I can use the alone time to organize myself, shop, and groom before heading back into the real world. I should probably do my eyebrows soon! Hahaha. I seriously am so grateful for this boards but mostly you. I notice you help a lot of us on here so I hope you feel appreciated because you are!!!
That sounds like a solid plan. I think when you find your bearings and get used to it, it'll help you a lot more than just dropping her off the first day. I totally did not do a trial run and when I got to work on her first day at daycare, I about drowned in my tears. You'll get used to it though, and so will she. And it won't be so bad to drop her off.
And thank you. The bump blew up a couple months ago and things got heated and kind of bad (all over, not on SP) which caused a LOT of people to jump ship. I'm one of who knows how many that didn't completely ditch this place. I try to help the best I can.
I totally remember seeing that!!! Tons of threads about people leaving and hating the new wave of posters. I just ignored it all and searched very old threads for advice but it completely subsided now. Thank you for not leaving us!!!
So I asked BD if we can establish his monthly visit for the second Sunday of each month rather than the 15th as we had been doing. Realizing that once I go back to work the 15th could fall on a weekday and it will be too hard to have a visitor especially since I'll be attempting to have a schedule with LO. I said I can do Saturday or Sunday whatever works for you, he works on Saturdays so that's why I suggested Sunday. He said the 13th of this month doesn't work for him so then suggested the 16th which is a Wednesday - way to pay attention to detail buddy. I restated why it would be best for DD on a weekend and he said he will have to get back to me on scheduling his next visit in a couple of days. ??????? I now realize Sundays are now Football Sundays.
LOL, oh dear god. Football season. Because a GAME is more important than a child.
Well, geez, I got nothing. I can't stop rolling my eyes at this dude.
Ok, I think it's out of my system now...
Anyway, he needs to be more flexible, especially since he's pretending to be the good guy here. LOL. It's all in writing, so a judge will see right through this big bag of douchery. If he can't agree on something that works for the both of you, it's on him. You're trying to work it out, he's being a dick.
Hahaha, the gifs? Right click on an image, click on copy image, and paste into the text box.
And, no, we didn't have big plans. There was the town fest down the street but I hate going to that, it's like a high school reunion every time I go, also, it was unbelievably hot and humid all weekend so just no to outside. LOL.
I'm not a heat person, I cannot wait until it gets cooler outside. We did make it to the park a few times but we couldn't stay long because I was sweat-raining and couldn't drink water fast enough to stay hydrated and I'm pale-as-f*ck and like none of the parks near me have any shade!
I should probably also say I don't have a computer at home and I use my work computer to check this board when I can which is like once a day, lol, which is why it takes so long for me to respond.
OMG love the gifs!!! And no worries I take forever to reply as well!! We are doing great!!! Enjoying the rest of my maternity leave, been walking at different parks, took her to the aquarium and Friday we are going to a lovely garden walk! Now that she can ooh and ahh it's fun! We are going on a month plus if BD bit seeing her. I am still writing my weekly emails and updates, sometimes I get a reply sometimes I don't. When I do it's, oh hey things are crazy I'll let you know when I can see her. My gut says he's up to something. Probably getting his shit together to file for custody? I pray it's not. I pray it's him bailing. I am trying not to let it stress me out but I'm up at night tossing and turning. Ugh. Living in anxiety is the worst. I know you feel me on that!!! In a way you're lucky. He's just gone and you don't have to deal with the bullshit.
Have I ever mentioned his mother is in my life? And she has to comment on every picture I post on Facebook. And she says weird stupid things when she comments, too. Thank god she lives far away. I don't know if I could handle her coming over frequently to visit! Also, she likes to give me updates about BD every now and again.
Although, I do spend nights awake freaking out about her coming up to visit, which she has no plans as of yet to do so. And she does try to get me to make plans to go visit her. She lives in FL, and just no. It's fucking hot and bright and just no. Hahaha
So, that's the bullshit I do have to deal with, LOL.
That's awesome that you're getting out and about with her! I honestly spent my maternity leave indoors because it was in the 90's and humid as hell until late September that year. And my boyfriend was like "maybe we should go somewhere with her" and I said "sure, if there is A/C" and we never went anywhere. LOL.
Fingers crossed he's just doing the "fade away". Keep your guard up, though. Never, ever let it down. I wonder what he'd have to "get together" to file for custody? Has he mentioned anything to you about moving again? I remember you saying something about him wanting to move in with his mother or something...
Hi! Sorry! Been soaking up the final days with LO! It's been mega hot but I've tried to get her out in the early mornings at least. It's kind of good that your LO has his mother in her life but extra good for the distance! Haha! I definitely have my guard up...I'm not sure what his desk is but I'm really trying to let go and let God. He hasn't mentioned moving anymore but for all I know he could have already! One week left before it is back to the grind! And omg before it's October!!! What is your DD going to be for Halloween?
We haven't really talked about Halloween, so I'm not sure. There's a show she loves called Wallykazam, and my BF was saying that we should all go as characters of the show. Hahaha, so there's one idea... but there are no other toddlers on my street so no other parents would get it. Hahaha, but I might get her something with a mask, she loves masks
Re: BabyBean54
Dad was not there for delivery but my support team was. He showed up after. She was in NICU for four days and he didn't come to see her. Now that we are home he has scheduled to come and see her two evenings a week. Makes me mad. Must be nice to check it off your list and be done. I'm with her 24/7 with no help from him.
And when he visits he is useless. He washes the dishes and takes the trash out because he doesn't know any other way to help.
I know your BD didn't help at all and i should be grateful mine even comes around but I honestly feel like why does he even bother.
Hope you're well! Thanks for checking!!!
He has awkwardly held her twice in two different occasions.
It just feels like it's a checklist for him. So in the future he can say he visited with her.
He's a complete incompetent idiot!
He's not a U.S. Citizen, he's not on the birth certificate - how much damage can he do? I'm in CA.
I have a lawyer already should it get there. I just want him out of the picture. For good.
He's British but Nigerian.
He wrote an email last night where he's positioning himself as the good guy who wants to be involved and that he has wanted to be there from the start. He's clearly being coached on putting things in writing. I wrote back, kept it unemotional and just laid out facts. I did say his words were not true.
He cancelled his visit today because he thought I needed time to think about things. Again, he's the good guy and I'm the crazy one. I knew he would cancel.
Now it's just a day to day. I have to wait and see what his next move is, if he even tries to go get a court ordered DNA test. Luckily, I have my lawyer in deck.
Ugh. What a nightmare.
Proving paternity would make him have to pay CS, yes.
My biggest worry is him getting any kind of custody. Visitation is fine, but overnights and weekends and holidays...makes me sick to even think about it.
He did say he was going to move in with his mom, I can only pray that happens because he wouldn't get any kind of custody. You need to provide your own dwelling. In addition, I have the stable career and income that is four times what he makes. I don't see how he would get any type of custody.
He said given the environment of our visits (my house) and the current status of our "relationship" he thinks it's in DD best interest if he reduced the frequency of his visits from twice a week to ONCE a MONTH. Maybe this is his fade away. But the overly analytical part of me is worrisome that it's him buying time to get $ together to go to court.
For now it gives me some reprieve but not without worry.
My child hood best friend was here and she's very drama free so she was a great barrier should we have needed it. But we really didn't. He stayed about an hour and a half. Baby girl was super gassy and fussy so I really had to soothe her while he just watched. He said he would contact me for next months visit and thanked me for sending him pictures of her.
Afterwards I realized - he said he was going to "continue to check in on her" but other than his replies to MY emails with pictures he did not and has not initiated communication or a "check in" at all. Proving yet again, he never does what he says he will.
I honesty don't know what he's trying to do here but I figure if this is how it's going to be for now and for awhile it will at least build an unflattering pattern for him. I would hope any judge would see that once a month visits are not showmanship of a man who wants to be there for his child and is capable of anything more than visitations. He honestly can't handle it. He barely knows how to hold her! And the older she gets the more her recognition gets stronger...so it will be that much harder for him.
How are you and DD? Having a good summer so far?
I want him out of our lives. He's not in they birth certificate and it's his word against mine at this point.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.
I can't thank you enough for your support. Isn't it such a shame that two great women come together because of men who simply cannot handle them? Or life in general?
So sorry to hear about the terrible twos!!! How do you manage it on your own?? Your BF is very helpful I suspect.
I knew you had some kind of legal smarts about you!
I just sent off the weekly email of pictures and updates of DD to him. We still haven't heard back and that is totally fine but I want to make sure I'm covering my ass and doing my part.
Your BF sounds amazing. Not that I'm ready for it but I hope when the time comes I meet someone just as understanding and supportive.
All is stable for now...well, stably unstable. Haha!
But, I have to just be the bigger person and put a fake smile on my face.
Looooovvve Clooney!!!!
He is a piece of work because he's all over the place. When she was first born he wanted to be there and try to be helpful and he asked me to help him learn, we got in one fight and then he just went exteme. Didn't even attempt to figure it out amongst us. I know it's going to be a long process and a while before we are even going to be in a court room so until then I'm taking it one day at a time.
Meanwhile his monthly visits aren't going to help his case. I asked if I could reach out to his mom and take DD to see her and he basically said no. Said he had a different idea of how things will be going forward. I don't know what he means so I just didn't reply. At least I have it in writing that I'm trying to expose DD to his family. And I haven't heard from his mom since the day she was born so who knows what on earth he has told her. She was always in communication with me prior to this. So I'm just leaving it alone. Going to enjoy the rest of my maternity leave
How on earth do you manage working full time and spending Time with your daughter? I am scared she's going to forget me. I know that's silly but I'm really feeling it!
I know you're right about the mother/child bond, especially with breastfeeding, but I think I'm just going to miss her so much. I decided to do a trial run for a couple of days the week before I actually go back. I figure this will help my anxiety and be a good way to see if I miss bringing anything for her or how I should set up her bottles, what works, etc. Not to mention I can use the alone time to organize myself, shop, and groom before heading back into the real world. I should probably do my eyebrows soon! Hahaha.
I seriously am so grateful for this boards but mostly you. I notice you help a lot of us on here so I hope you feel appreciated because you are!!!
Thank you for not leaving us!!!
So I asked BD if we can establish his monthly visit for the second Sunday of each month rather than the 15th as we had been doing. Realizing that once I go back to work the 15th could fall on a weekday and it will be too hard to have a visitor especially since I'll be attempting to have a schedule with LO. I said I can do Saturday or Sunday whatever works for you, he works on Saturdays so that's why I suggested Sunday. He said the 13th of this month doesn't work for him so then suggested the 16th which is a Wednesday - way to pay attention to detail buddy. I restated why it would be best for DD on a weekend and he said he will have to get back to me on scheduling his next visit in a couple of days. ???????
I now realize Sundays are now Football Sundays.
And yup, ball is in his court!
Any plans for the long weekend?
We are doing great!!! Enjoying the rest of my maternity leave, been walking at different parks, took her to the aquarium and Friday we are going to a lovely garden walk! Now that she can ooh and ahh it's fun!
We are going on a month plus if BD bit seeing her. I am still writing my weekly emails and updates, sometimes I get a reply sometimes I don't. When I do it's, oh hey things are crazy I'll let you know when I can see her.
My gut says he's up to something. Probably getting his shit together to file for custody? I pray it's not. I pray it's him bailing. I am trying not to let it stress me out but I'm up at night tossing and turning. Ugh. Living in anxiety is the worst. I know you feel me on that!!! In a way you're lucky. He's just gone and you don't have to deal with the bullshit.
It's kind of good that your LO has his mother in her life but extra good for the distance! Haha!
I definitely have my guard up...I'm not sure what his desk is but I'm really trying to let go and let God. He hasn't mentioned moving anymore but for all I know he could have already!
One week left before it is back to the grind! And omg before it's October!!! What is your DD going to be for Halloween?